Had enough? No? OK, let's get The Onion's Amie Barrodale to pump out 100 more.

1. Do joke around with immigrants and toddlers the same way you joke with your friends. Generally, this is a private kind of fun and nothing more, but when it's 4 a.m., and you're screaming and yelling to your friends in back, and then you get a hold of yourself, square your face, lower your voice, turn to the cab driver and say, "I'm just riffing," and he understands you, the heavens open.

2. Do admit it when you don't like people. I know Dale Carnegie told you not to and you're trying to get the band off the ground and you're working out the whole dress socks question, but just stop it. Look me in the eyes and tell me the guy in the McSweeney's shirt doesn't suck.

3. Don't dress like it's some other era when men wore suits and women wore hats and you're a baffled tourist who just hopped out of a dust-filled time machine that stained your left breast pocket and frayed your shirt cuffs.

4. If you're the low-status individual in a situation, don't make faux-angry jokes. You know, like the one where, if someone accidentally bumps into you, you say, "I was standing there." It's bad because in addition to not being funny, everyone can tell that you're pissed off, too cowardly to say so, and too lacking in self-restraint to keep quiet.

4. Picture this: it is 3 or 4 a.m. during finals time at the library, when all is quiet, snow is falling, and there are Entenmann's boxes everywhere. A Chinese man enters the room. He is about six feet tall, and he wears a white tracksuit that swishes with every step he takes. Additionally, he's listening to music on headphones loud enough so he fills the room with tiny tinkling sounds. And while it may not be true, let's say that his shoes (white Nike Air Jordans) are squeaking as well. When you're trying to get someone in bed, keep this in the front of your mind: My motivations have the subtlety of that Chinese man.

5. Giving that man a piece of paper that read: "Everyone can hear your headphones" was the cruelest thing someone could have done. Keep this in mind when someone is trying to seduce you.

6. If you are an advanced philosopher type, you don't ask questions you know the answer to. But if you're like me then be like me: once you go ahead and ask those questions, accept the answer you get.

7. If the question is a pushy one, like "Are we dating?" then the answer, if it's "No, we're not," will come in the form of a lot of elaborate backpedaling and grimacing and flattery, not in the form of just plain old "No." Don't act like you never got a straight answer.

8. In the above situation, have some dignity and take the person out of their misery. Change the subject.

9. Don't talk to the girl you want to bone about the fabulous women you want to bone. It doesn't make you seem like a connoisseur or a guy who's tough and knows what he wants and often gets it. It's just wounding. Not because it should be, just because it is.

10. Wounding the people you want to bone doesn't pay off in the long run. In the short run, neither here nor there, probably.

11. Don't be a wussy about fooling around. Once a man told me to crawl out from under the covers and put my butt in the air. I don't know why he thought of that, nor do I think that it could be recreated, but it was funny and amazing. My advice is to go ahead with those impulses when you have them. Oh, but don't pretend to have them. That's really awful. It's like, ugh, some monster who just saw that movie with Nick Nolte or Bertolucci or what's-his-name? Marlon Brando. You know the one.

12. Don't talk slowly. I hate that.

13. Don't always be going on and on about your fabulous prospects and how you're just about to hit it big. It's depressing. Get a hold of yourself.

14. Unless you're looking in your mirror, don't make your My Little Pony pretty mirror face.

15. If you're a man and you're growing out your hair, don't pull it back into one of those Samurai half-ponytails.

16. Some people don't understand what sympathy is. It isn't, "I'm sorry to hear that you're sad." It's, "Begin at the very beginning, this man you're in love with now's job is he delivers leaflets around F.I.T.? Ha-ha-ha! No, I'm sorry, tell me. I want to know." It's not, "Geez, that's awful," it's, "How did she even get her feet down onto the pedals?" Put another way: unless you're a genius prodigy Bobby Fischer of feeling, it's kind of an intellectual endeavor.

17. If you think that such a thing as cool, expensive sunglasses exists, you are not allowed to wear cool, expensive sunglasses.

18. If someone invites you to a party you've already been invited to, the correct answer is, "Thanks, I'll try to come."

19. If I eat your food out of the refrigerator, shut up and quit being such a baby.

20. A good bar game: try to make someone laugh without saying anything. Puppy-dog eyes—like those faces 11-year-old girls learn off TV—are good. Drooling isn't funny. Drinking all your drink in a lot of sips without taking a break might be, if you do it well.

21. Hey baby blue, that's awesome you remember I like large iced coffee with milk even after four months I wasn't in this Starbucks. (Re-read that sentence.)

22. Don't make fun of the crazy old people who audit your classes and always raise their hands to talk about Derrida. Just let them be. That's low fruit. That's beneath you. You make fun of the girl up front who's got her outfits.

23. Hey Progressive Dentist: No. I don't want a pair of wireless headphones so I can listen to "Turn the Beat Around" while having my teeth drilled.

24. Do refer to things that are messy as "Dresden." Coming out of the bathroom of a messy boy's apartment: "It's like Dresden in there."

25. Do, if you're Chinese and don't speak English and are a man, get one of those junior-high American boy haircuts where it's sort of spiked at the part and a little bowl-ish on top.

26. Witty urbane thespian who the DJ went down on you in a cab last night: that's awesome. But we're at Cosi now, and I'm just on the other side of that trash can, so can you please, please lower your voice? The DJ? A cab?

27. Hey comedian who hasn't read a book for twenty years: don't put down Catcher in the Rye or people who like Catcher in the Rye. I can promise you don't remember it right.

28. Do use the bathroom if you're at a club where the bathroom is up by the stage. It's fun, you can sit there and pretend you're the shitting King of Sheba and the band is your personal bathroom entertainment and the crowd is all your minions.

29. Do say, "Bless you" after someone sneezes. Unless it's your friend, in which case it's really not necessary to say, "Bless you." You can hiss, "Disgusting," but that's really only funny once.

30. Do, if you're a man and you have to go into a dark hallway or a scary basement or an abandoned alley, say you almost got raped and murdered when you get back. That never stops being funny.

31. Don't, if you're going to be a businessman alone at the Olive Garden, be the one at the bar listening to his headphones while he eats. Not that you would ever do that, but yesterday I sat beside someone doing that, and oh, I wanted to cry.

32. Okay so when you're on Friendster and you've bookmarked someone… I can't go on. I just puked. Right here, sitting at my desk, typing that, I puked a little. Do I have to spell this out?

33. Do, if you know how to write snappy emails, stop doing that.

34. If you're going to make amusing indefensible assertions, don't then turn around and defend yourself laboriously, endlessly, when, inevitably, some dim-bum Carl doesn't understand what you're talking about.

35. Just because you were able to add "cut from" to the end of some sentence about "Matthew Paris's map of the forest where the tree from which the boards from which the crucifix was constructed was" etc., doesn't mean you know Latin. This is hard to explain—I'm saying, very simply, don't act like you know more than you know just because you're quick witted.

36. When your ex-boyfriend who was mean to you gets mugged, you have to stay at his house. If his DVD player is broken, you have to get him a new one. If it stinks like blood because he bled all over his sheets, you have to throw those out and go buy him some sheets from the K-Mart.

37. Hey pretty lady, don't date high-status disgusting individuals.

38. Don't, even though it feels like nothing at the time, say stuff like, "Wow boss, I don't know why you ever worry, you're so talented." It will eat at you later.

39. Don't, right before the waiter brings out the food—and this really happened—talk about your dad's funeral when your uncle raped you and you had an orgasm for the first time. It's awkward.

40. Don't interrupt yourself with, "And this is a true story." You're not in front of a microphone, this isn't the Tonight Show.

41. You know those expensive designer pants where it's like, just to squeeze into them is to be a member of some exclusive beautiful fashionable Italian lady club? It's actually a lot harder to get into that club.

42. Boy or girl, nothing beats messy dirty short growing out fucked-up boy hair.

43. Either give your change to homeless junkies or don't. Both are fine. Just don't tell me your reasons. Your reasons are stupid.

44. Do moan and say, "Somebody pooped in my drawers."

45. Do moan and say, "I pooped my desk."

46. Hey Mr. Bitter And Pissed Off, quit modulating your voice. "Yeah. So, I was talking to this guy the other night, and, at the local bar I go to, my wife and I, and, wow, lotta hostility." You sound like a psychopath.

47. Don't, if you've gone through a lot of family therapy or whatever, expect me to say, "I don't like it when you," when I mean, "You always." I'm not the one who dragged you into an office by the freeway every week because your mom got old and your dad didn't, and I'm not going to say, "I don't like it when you."

48. Do talk about books, your dad who never got old—all the things you're not supposed to trot out. I mean, not exclusively. What I mean is don't have a knee-jerk rejection to certain topics, because, fuck it, man, that's not in the moment.

49. If you're a short man, don't wear those high-heeled man heels.

50. Do have knock-offs of your favorite shirt made. A good tailor is—I know this name is dumb—Jenny Couture. She's this nice black lady on the sixth floor of this building.

51. An apology should never have the word "dewd" in it. I would have thought that would be self-explanatory but just this morning, there it was in my inbox: "Sorry about the misunderstanding, dewd."

52. If you notice some weird subtle social dynamic that most people wouldn't notice and you want to point it out, you might as well begin your sentence: "That person and me both" etc.

53. One day, when I was doing laundry, the usual attendant wasn't there. In his place was an Eastern-European man who struck me as the sort who would be a doctor specializing in seashells back in Bulgaria, but here he washes my shirts. He was tidy, wore socks and sandals, and had a serene manner. When was taking my clothes out of the dryer, he didn't realize I was there behind him, and he casually dropped two quarters he'd found in a pair of dress pants (he was sorting for wash-and-fold) into his own pocket. As the quarters clinked, he realized I was standing close by, and he started—actually jumped two inches off the ground. I just tell this story to break up all the Do's and Don'ts. What did I do? Obviously, I acted like I hadn't seen.

54. Hey Whistling Johnny, that's some whistle. Don't whistle in public.

55. Don't make a show of your discretion. Like don't say, "I'm having a hard time due to troubles with my girlfriend, troubles of which I'd prefer not to speak." If you're so very classy and old-worldy, then why'd you bring it up at all, Gatsby? I sort of think in almost any case, it's ridiculous to even use the word "discretion." It's an idea—like "shirtwaist" or "spats"—that doesn't really exist anymore.

56. Aren't the best relationships those ones with the silly throw-down wordless games that involve pantomiming and, like, you both pass the urologist and don't have to articulate why it's funny? Or that one time that dog was going into the headlights like an alien abduction? Right? Don't pretend that you're in one of those when you wake up with a one-night stand.

57. Do learn how to prat fall. You'll get hurt a little at first, but it's a good skill to have.

58. Do make that joke where, while someone's talking to you, you start rubbing your butt on the wall behind you. Not in a sexual way, but in an autistic kid way.

59. Don't diagnose yourself with autism. Christ.

60. If you're one of those short men with hypertrophied arms, what on earth are you doing going around insulting women you don't know for having big noses and ugly sweaters? You're acting like there aren't nuclear warheads of personal appearance insults directed right at your chest, at the ready, every moment of your life, for any person with eyes to detonate.

61. Do play dumb.

62. Don't talk yourself out of stupid, generous impulses.

63. Don't hire someone to hold a guest list at your Soho loft party. Don't buy a leather couch. All around, on every count, just quit being so proud of yourself.

64. Hey, dumbass! This isn't Dead Poets Society, and even if it were, you'd be cast as the groundskeeper, so take off the tweed coat.

65. I heard from this lunatic teacher—one who, to illustrate some finer point of ancient Greek grammar used an example sentence about Said and politics and post-modernism—that the best answer to any question is always the most rudimentary. I think that's a nice idea, but I had to include the source.

66. This is golden wisdom. When I was 22 or so, I was all into this thirtysomething-year-old who used to come over and we'd talk about whatever. When I finally professed the whole thing he said, "Oh I know that. I mean, nothing doing—you're way too young, it's disgusting, but don't you see? What we have here—it's the best. You just want the caress. What's that?"
Now, I've tried saying this to people when I've meant, "Not interested, not at all, not in a million years, I loathe and pity you," and it didn't work. But when it is in fact the case, like say you're into someone but you can't do it for whatever cinematic reason, keep that speech in mind.

67. There was another story this same guy told me. He was a TA and this girl student came to him the second week of class and professed her affection. He said, "Well, hmm. Do this: wait until the end of class and I'll tell you how I feel." So class went on, she wrote engaged papers and tingled with anticipation, and so on, until on the final day when she came to him, and he said, "Ah, nothing doing."

68. Don't ever write a note like this, "I'm off to work now—just wanted to let you know that I would most definitely be interested in more activities of that nature. With you. And stuff." Either allude to, or preferably don't, all the dirty stuff that went on, but don't under any circumstances describe it with a State College honors dorm word like "activities." (Don't say "beverage" either.) But, primarily, don't make your writing voice sound like that of some wide-eyed corn-fed musical dreamer from Menudo or Idaho. I know all about what you're like (remember?), so that whole "Um, uh" business makes you sound schizoid at best. Also, I hate to say it, but spare me the letter of intent.

69. Don't worry about balding. I know it may be weird to lose your hair, but, as it's not something that happens to girls, it really doesn't even phase us at all. If you're gay, I guess you should worry.

70. There's always some don't about, "Don't put your hands on the girl's head when she's doing the you-know-what." I guess that is a good rule of thumb, but whenever I read that... well, draw your own conclusions.

71. Don't correct anyone's grammar ever.

72. In general, just don't correct people. If the guy at the antique store tells you all about the "terracotta cord" on the toaster, you don't need to tell him he means—whatever the word is for that old fashioned rubber material. Not Bekelite. It sounds like terracotta.

73. If you can afford bespoke suits and shirts and those little handkerchiefs in one pocket, and you wear cufflinks, and you teach ancient Greek and Latin and play piano and review music for the Hoo-hoo and so on, don't describe yourself as "eccentric." You might try narcissistic boy genius stalking insane "I have cancer" liar, but "eccentric" doesn't really cover it. This one applies to all of us.

74. Is it always this way with you? Would it kill you to eat a salad? Would it kill you if you did your dishes right after?

75. This is so familiar and tired: Don't spray air freshener everywhere after you poop at work. I'm not going to trot out the business about shit and roses (which is exactly what it does smell like) but I do wonder, bone-thin girl who works up front, why does your shit smell like dust?

76. Would it kill you to not live like depressing Satan? Pedestal ashtrays piled with butts and a roommate named Andy who lives in a diaper he folded out of his curtain are totally unacceptable.

77. If you offer something to someone, like all your leftover Vicodin from the ghetto dentist or $20 for yelling "Mexico," you have to give it, even though you don't want to, even though you don't know why you offered it to begin with.

78. If you're able to eat gracefully and say hello politely and make pleasant small talk, by all means do so. You're living the dream. Do you think we act like savages on purpose? Yeah, and black people would shake hands that way if they were able to do it normally. Come on.

79. If you've been planning for weeks to ask someone out on a date, at least have the decency not to try to act like it all came up at random. "You were mentioning, a moment ago, how you like to treat yourself. Speaking of treating oneself, would you allow me to treat you to dinner?" Oh my god, and this really happened.

80. Once you have the person sitting across from you at a bistro you like to treat yourself at, please don't start talking about how writing is a liberating exercise. Also, don't drop your fork on the floor several times.

81. Don't go around the streets like happy-go-lucky all is right with the world brow lifted weird ocular "beaming" muscle engaged, light in the tip of your toes, hey look at him, hey look at me: I'm a fucking fraud leprechaun.

82. Hey, Mr. Famous Author: How about we shut up about how criticizing books is bad. Failing that, let's take this whole line of argument to its logical conclusion and replace the nation's editors with a one-eyed, one-armed geriatric in a wheelchair. His job will be he points. Yours will be you publish the manuscripts he points to.

83. You really can't beat that chummy ironic Nabokovian mien. The guy who gave me my root canal was like that, and I swear to you I loved him. I came out of there, face swollen, trembling from that numbing stuff, cotton wadded in my cheeks to absorb the blood, giggling and beaming.

84. A week ago, I was buying iced coffee. I buy it from this abandoned gourmet deli, the type with all the different sorts of cheese, but it's odd, because it, the deli, is sort of in the middle of a black area, and so seems under-shopped. The man who works the deli counter resembles an older, more Italian singer from Blues Traveler. So, the other day, while he was over getting my coffee, he started singing. My first thought was that he had a beautiful voice. I wondered if he sang in jazz clubs one night a week. I got a picture of him at some sort of jazz club, wearing a Mexican wedding shirt, singing. I then started to think, I don't know, that I should get some salmon. I drifted off, and when I snapped to, I noticed he was still singing. It was just he and I in there, and he was several phrases (as in stanzas) into a song now. There was something self-conscious and oppressive in it, because it continued, on and on, he was really singing it, really giving it his all. I don't know how long he sang, but it was so long, I felt I was going to vomit. I felt like I was being molested. When you are trying to seduce someone, say this to yourself: I have the subtlety of that man from that deli.

85. Don't tell people about how the guy on whom Charles Swann was based is your cousin seven times removed. Do you hear that? Look at yourself.

86. Do say "asshole" when you mean "jackass."

87. Do imitate your family members for me, even though I've never met them.

88. Do be good at giving massages, but not creepily, complicatedly, I-read-books-about-this-in-high-school good. If you've already read those books, just conceal that knowledge.

89. Do grab the butts of strange attractive ghetto creatures in such away that it appears your quiet overweight friend Robert did it.

90. If you should earn the nickname "Butt Grabber [your name here]" and you are a girl, then you have done well.

91. Do smile at women on the street if you're a woman, or if you're a man, sure, but nothing warms my heart like a girl my age who smiles at me first.

92. Do call Mattress Mac of Gallery Furniture in Houston, TX. (713) 694-5570. Ask for Mac. He's this recovered coke addict who runs this discount furniture store in Texas. When I was growing up and he was on cocaine, his commercials had him jumping around like a maniac waving handfuls of hundred-dollar bills in the air. Now they have him slowly easing out of one of those old-guy mechanical-assistance-getting-out-of-your-chair chairs, murmuring about savings.

93. Do be the type where, if you're forced to go to a stupid puppet show and people are paying too much attention to the puppets, you break your shin afterwards showing everyone how you can jump over a stick better than the puppet did.

94. Don't take pride in your shitty work. You're like that Curlis Cue redhead my mom was dating who gave me a Curlis Cue toothbrush and windily explained how the curled bristles stimulate the gums.

95. Do, if you're going to be a psychologist at a women's college, wear one of those drugstore foam neck braces for an entire year. This will save countless women from entrusting you with their mental health.

96. Do, if you're a big turtle-shaped Russian man who just had heart surgery, stop strangers on the street to explain the whole process. Bonus points if you gesture with your hand up your left arm to your heart and say, "They go through like this."

97. Hey, picture a burro. Those little horses. OK. Sorry. I thought something would come.

98. Is this too urbane, I can't tell: describing a magazine as more read than respected? I like the reversal. More read than respected. Oh, funny stuff, funny stuff.

99. Don't read like, say, Nabokov on Literature and then come around parroting him and acting like you had the brains on your own to recognize Crime and Punishment as a potboiler. Besides, that's not even true.

100. Do go look up the word "poshlost" in Nabokov's book on Gogol. Sorry, but it's worth it, honestly, and I'd just make a hash of it here.

COMMENTS

Anonymous, on Sep 26, 2008 wrote: Writes for the Onion or SMELLS like an onion?

exitement, on Sep 21 2008 08:25:36 PM wrote: this reads like it was written by someone who wishes they were Enid from ghostworld, and the lameness is accentuated with poor grammar, stupid inside jokes and repetition. disappoints as a reader of both Vice and The Onion, two STELLAR publications. Subject: Hilarious Date: Aug 26 2007 03:32:12 PM Author: Katie This should be made in to a book. Great stuff. Subject: Hilarious Date: Aug 26 2007 03:31:40 PM Author: Katie I loved this article, I will probobly reference it fomr time to time when I'm bored, it's saved in my "favorites." This should be made in to a book. Subject: Hilarious Date: Aug 26 2007 03:31:17 PM Author: Katie I loved this article, I will probobly reference it fomr time to time when I'm bored, it's saved in my "favorites." This should be made in to a book. Subject: dont Date: Jun 14 2007 04:57:44 PM Author: ahem dont tell people you just met that you remind them of "so and so" from wherever. it makes you look like an asshole who isnt paying attention Subject: I Heart Vice Date: Jun 11 2007 01:06:53 AM Author: neologista Shocking, really, how many people this stuff just flew right past. And per'aps not so surprising how many angry dumbfucks there are out there. Yeesh. I like this list a lot, just have one question, thanks. Is the writer now that barista at Starbucks who wrote that hilariously frightening Craigslist rant? I no longer drink out, thanks. Subject: Still don't get the tall chinese man Date: Jun 10 2007 11:07:59 PM Author: Julie Wow, this was really bad. Self-indulgent in-jokes and sentences that looked edited four times over. How long did it take her to write this? Subject: I love these kinds of articles Date: Jun 09 2007 07:07:54 PM Author: andrew Once you get past the sarcasm and irony drenched 'advice' here and figure out which things were said only for humor's sake or other such superficial reasons, a fascinating (if limited) window into the author's personal life and the way in which she chooses to observe/interact with the world opens up. Fortunately, this isn't some irritating piece of shit article where the especially interesting stuff is hard to draw from it and the wit easily carried my interest from start to finish. Subject: lsut Date: Jun 07 2007 05:27:54 PM Author: psuh Oh. I thought she misspelled "Google." Hey I just turned 30, I think I'll go KILL MYSELF. Subject: cunt Date: Jun 07 2007 12:30:11 PM Author: laser jimmy <When you are trying to seduce someone, say this to yourself: I have the subtlety of that man from that deli. Who gives a fuck that you have the subtlety of that man from the deli you stupid cunt? Subject: this is just shit Date: Jun 07 2007 12:27:47 PM Author: orgon asshole what made the original 100 funny was that (most of them) were true and had a connection to stuff that happens in real life. in this one there's advice like "38. Don't, even though it feels like nothing at the time, say stuff like, "Wow boss, I don't know why you ever worry, you're so talented." It will eat at you later." What kind of a fucking asshole would ever say shit like that? The bitch who wrote this shit needs to stop being such a stupid bitch. DO! Subject: but why Date: Apr 07 2007 08:28:41 AM Author: alexa man, i like the vice kids because they're ironic and witty but not to the point of unnecessary pretentiousness. even though the onion is awesome, i think this lady had a little too much irony and wit in her to write for kids just trying to chill out, enjoy vice, and read something on the subway. in other words, this article kind of sucked ass. Subject: This was crap Date: Feb 11 2007 07:47:01 AM Author: Amy H I couldn't understand this, even after several attempts. Subject: buh Date: Dec 09 2006 01:06:49 AM Author: fwuh which of these rules dont make sense? fuck yall for not thinking this is nice. Subject: Gimmie kissie Date: Oct 27 2006 06:54:30 AM Author: Bea bea beckyboo i heart you, vice xxx Subject: You stepped on peoples toes Date: Sep 27 2006 04:21:38 PM Author: Maucca Beeing persceptive about how people should at by pointing out weakness doesn't make you friends:D hahaha. Die by the sword man. But for me, I enjoyed your humour a lot. And really there is some truth to this. Too bad I've tried a lot of them already. Subject: oh, you guys! Date: Jun 02 2006 12:41:16 PM Author: paul pott i thought this thing was hilarious and was shocked at all the negative comments. Then I realized that maybe this just isn't your type of comedy. May I suggest collegehumor.com for you idiots? Subject: crap Date: Sep 18 2005 04:17:59 PM Author: d worst article i never read Subject: dick shit Date: Aug 09 2005 08:12:05 PM Author: jenna jamison i got it babe Subject: i know it's a year later, Date: Jul 07 2005 07:29:28 PM Author: but i want to keep the hate going this article SUCKED! Subject: Let my people go Date: Jun 20 2005 09:38:19 PM Author: Moses Hey man! If Whistlin' Johnny wants to whistle let him whistle. Subject: obviously written by some girl Date: Jun 06 2005 01:42:30 AM Author: dk none of this shit makes any sense Subject: mandy moore Date: May 23 2005 06:04:35 PM Author: cigarettes 12. Don't talk slowly. I hate that. i think its funny, one of my freinds talks slow, you would probobly like her Subject: FOREVER Date: Apr 22 2005 10:56:39 PM Author: BERLIN don't think your witty asshole comments here will make vice ask you to write for them; they won't. Subject: playin it stooopid 101 Date: Mar 23 2005 08:37:34 AM Author: poonam a do...hole punching way to many pieces of paper at once; while your ancient should be house wife supervisor with a fancy title but no substantial position rushes over looking horrified at the sound the the 300$ hole puncher makes while it attempts to make its way through a phone book, and shes all "maybe..if you..ah..dear..i think..thats too..." and so on. continue by standing up and putting your entire body into it, your knee is a great tool as well..and you look up..smiling and out of breath..i think i put to many...then take one out..and go for it again, makin i havent shit in a month faces..contracting every muscle in your body..the kind of thing against the law in naked town. these are the things that make my day bareable, and for those really into hole punchers..the ones for bindings, with 20 of those little rectangle hole punches..they make a wicked noise, the whole office will be checkin you out. awsome Subject: from a nabokov interview Date: Jan 21 2005 05:55:15 PM Author: poshlost INTERVIEWER What is most characteristic of poshlust in contemporary writing? Are there temptations for you in the sin of poshlust? Have you ever fallen? NABOKOV “Poshlust,” or in a better transliteration poshlost, has many nuances, and evidently I have not described them clearly enough in my little book on Gogol, if you think one can ask anybody if he is tempted by poshlost. Corny trash, vulgar clichés, Philistinism in all its phases, imitations of imitations, bogus profundities, crude, moronic, and dishonest pseudo–these are obvious examples. Now, if we want to pin down poshlost in contemporary writing, we must look for it in Freudian symbolism, mothmythologies, social comment, humanistic messages, political allegories, overconcern with class or race, and the journalistic generalities we all know. Poshlost speaks in such concepts as “America is no better than Russia” or “We all share in Germany’s guilt.” Subject: from a nabokov interview Date: Jan 21 2005 05:55:15 PM Author: poshlost INTERVIEWER What is most characteristic of poshlust in contemporary writing? Are there temptations for you in the sin of poshlust? Have you ever fallen? NABOKOV “Poshlust,” or in a better transliteration poshlost, has many nuances, and evidently I have not described them clearly enough in my little book on Gogol, if you think one can ask anybody if he is tempted by poshlost. Corny trash, vulgar clichés, Philistinism in all its phases, imitations of imitations, bogus profundities, crude, moronic, and dishonest pseudo–these are obvious examples. Now, if we want to pin down poshlost in contemporary writing, we must look for it in Freudian symbolism, mothmythologies, social comment, humanistic messages, political allegories, overconcern with class or race, and the journalistic generalities we all know. Poshlost speaks in such concepts as “America is no better than Russia” or “We all share in Germany’s guilt.” Subject: lkjf; Date: Jan 06 2005 05:50:44 PM Author: lkjsf; i'm never going to read comments again. too depressing. Subject: Dressing For Another Era... Date: Dec 27 2004 03:33:02 PM Author: Mr. Tatterscratch My cuffs are immaculate, as is my breast pocket. Does that make it any more acceptable? I still like you either way. Subject: zzzzz Date: Dec 24 2004 07:37:26 AM Author: Rowan Do: Find it kind of odd that you can get free wireless internet sitting with your laptop in your girlfriend's apartment, looking out over the Bay of Naples, and randomly click something you bookmarked to read later back in Montreal in August, and it loads, and then see that the last comment was left a few hours ago on this very same day (which is also your birthay), the first one in two months too. The article was a little precious and self-indulgent too. Subject: do/dont Date: Dec 24 2004 12:21:44 AM Author: brent do: reference swivel-elbowed, ex-addict, millionaires from houston don't: reference more than 10 authors in a 100 bullet list Subject: fantastic fantastic fantastic Date: Oct 25 2004 05:31:50 PM Author: hiya! That was very well-written! If I could meet and speak with just ONE person this year on the same wavelength as the author of this piece, I wouldn't feel so alone anymore. :) Subject: if-y Date: Oct 11 2004 11:19:57 AM Author: dr. poop I correct people's grammar; I can't help it, and agree with the person that posted a comment about that Don't as well. Also, you might want to consider not saying the word 'like' every other beat of your poopy. Talking about poop and then using the word 'poop' obessively poop. Had I more poop and the poop-poop to be a (further?) poop, I'd count the number of times you used poop to drive my poop poop. I also agree with the person that said not to only use only one author for a poop (or something poop). It's poop poop poop poop, I poop, but there poop poop poop poop poop smart and well-read. Hope my poop wasn't too critical; I didn't mean to go on for so long... Subject: if-y Date: Oct 10 2004 05:01:40 PM Author: me Could've been better, could've been worse. I don't think I could take the time to write it, so that's one up on me. I correct people's grammar; I can't help it, and agree with the person that posted a comment about that Don't as well. Also, you might want to consider not saying the word 'like' every other beat of your sentence. Talking about Nabokov and then using the word 'like' obessively is sad. Had I more patience and the want to be a (further?) ass, I'd count the number of times you used it to drive my point home. I also agree with the person that said not to only use only one author for a cultural reference (or something along those lines). It's great that you read Nobokov, I enjoy him as well, but there are other awesome authors/theorists/works to reference to sound smart or well-read. Hope my constructive criticism wasn't too critical; I didn't mean to go on for so long... Subject: stay at the onion Date: Oct 10 2004 03:13:11 PM Author: kill me now hahahha that was so awesome, it was so much better than the orignial vice article. you are so witty amie. wow you should totally write for vice. no wait... it sucked. Subject: I liked it Date: Oct 08 2004 02:13:08 AM Author: Lulu I liked your list....it makes me want to be your friend. Subject: so bad Date: Oct 07 2004 11:07:35 PM Author: yeah this sucked. big time. really, really bad. so very bad. Subject: amee Date: Oct 06 2004 04:57:56 PM Author: shockmaster Shitonmydick Subject: best shit i've read in Vice for awhile Date: Oct 06 2004 12:41:03 PM Author: Chorker I liked the tone, the content, and the humor. I actually learned shit from this. I'm going to keep the 6-foot guy with headphones in mind. But writing can be liberating. Subject: This List Date: Oct 04 2004 11:57:36 AM Author: Templeton Peck Fucking shit compared to the article. really Subject: DEFINITE DON'T Date: Oct 01 2004 11:01:41 PM Author: hedberg NEVER EVER SAY "THATS JUST WHAT I THINK" AFTER EXPRESSING YOUR OPINION. ITS FUCKING STUPID AND REDUNDANT PEOPLE WILL THINK YOU ARE A DICKHEAD. Subject: this long list Date: Sep 29 2004 08:30:38 AM Author: ciaran my attention span is far too shirt to read either the list or the list of entries, damn ADD Subject: fiutdikucv Date: Sep 26 2004 02:14:25 PM Author: webb don't write this huge list about yourself.nobody cares and they probably laugh at you when you walk away !!! Subject: um Date: Sep 21 2004 07:10:23 PM Author: bzack i didn't like this shitty list article. the featured article is far superior. Subject: Mattress Mac Date: Sep 20 2004 04:18:22 PM Author: Albatronix hahah, i still look back on those days of sitting at my grandmother's, watching bad local commercials. Mattress Mac was actually my favorite. Subject: Ummm.... Date: Sep 17 2004 01:08:10 AM Author: Boutros Poor, stale, sufferingly boring drivel... Subject: what?? Date: Sep 15 2004 05:25:03 PM Author: jaystein You (Amie) should give up writing, and perhaps thinking. Shame on Vice for even posting that list. Subject: ... I really like this one. Date: Sep 15 2004 04:26:06 AM Author: Jimmie 40. Don't interrupt yourself with, "And this is a true story." You're not in front of a microphone, this isn't the Tonight Show. ... so true, thanks for reminding us. Subject: poshlust Date: Sep 06 2004 08:44:06 PM Author: lick asshot "Poshlost can mean many things. Its primary connotation is of vulgarity. Yet in Nabokov's words, "poshlust is not only the obviously trashy but also the falsely important, the falsely beautiful, the falsely attractive." An introduction to Nikolai Gogol's Dead Souls defines it as "a well-rounded, untranslatable whole made up of banality, vulgarity, and sham. It applies not only to obvious trash (verbal and animate), but also to spurious beauty, spurious importance, spurious cleverness." some aimee girl but with 2 e's Subject: a couple don'ts you missed Date: Sep 06 2004 12:01:41 PM Author: whodjyamacallit 101. If you're too drunk to remember last night, don't assume the guy next to you when you wake up is a rapist and call the cops on him. This actually happened to a friend of mine. A FRIEND GODAMMIT 102. If you're dating somebody you like a lot, don't step in dogshit in their presence more than once. Pay attention! If it happens twice or more they start thinking about all the little crumbs of shit lurking in your carpet. It's a real turnoff. 103. Don't make lists of do's and don'ts. It's fucking retarded. Subject: this author doesn't know jack shit Date: Sep 06 2004 12:31:06 AM Author: t fucking boring as. loved the vice guide to everything, but what's this fuckstick trying to do...top it? felt like i had to read the whole thing before i could reply, but seriously...big waste of my fucking time. Subject: aaaa Date: Sep 04 2004 12:59:24 PM Author: aaa a at obvious when I'm trying to seduce? Subject: . Date: Sep 02 2004 06:58:08 PM Author: nabokov so what does poshlost mean? I'm too lazy to do it myself. Subject: You must include a subject Date: Sep 02 2004 05:58:05 PM Author: Owen Vice should really get rid of these comment sections. They always end up breaking into two categories. It's either people who try to write like Vice and are all "reading this article was like a bum with AIDS eating razor blades and then shitting into my mouth" or it's people who are all "nuh unh, this was really good." Oh, I forgot the third category, and this includes the same people who talk about every band's first cd. The people who say "boy, Vice sure sucks now, I like volume 1 issue 4 a lot better, when it USED TO BE GOOD!" We fucking get it, you've been reading vice for a while, great. Subject: dammit Date: Sep 01 2004 08:45:40 PM Author: arrgh this article was funny but it really tore me a new asshole at times. Subject: happy happy etc etc Date: Aug 31 2004 10:50:01 PM Author: josh sucher the more i read these... the more i find myself wondering, why can't we all just smile and get along? naive, whatever, it'd be nice. Subject: I enjoyed it Date: Aug 31 2004 03:47:28 PM Author: Hammanaptra This was entertaining, which was all it was trying to be. Thanks Amie. The rest of you detractors should shut up and write your own list if your standards are all so frickin' lofty. From the comments I read, most of you aren't intelligent enough to follow along, and a few of you are too pretentious to ever admit you like anything that isn't Dostoevsky. Subject: Don't Date: Aug 31 2004 12:55:00 PM Author: Abigail Vona Read all of these posts. Maybe someone made that joke but I didn't read them so I wouldn't know. Also, I'm dyslexic. Subject: koko and charlie Date: Aug 31 2004 07:40:42 AM Author: tim I dunno, charlie, maybe vice does read this, and koko seemed pretty funny. koko: give us five. Five dos and donts, not, you know, five. Subject: 101 &102 Date: Aug 30 2004 04:54:10 PM Author: ehhh 101. Don't form mutant sentences out of randomly pinched- off brain turds. No one wants to re-read your aborted siamese scribblings. 102. Do be succinct. Subject: don't Date: Aug 30 2004 05:15:47 PM Author: don't ask ppl what they pay in rent Subject: , Date: Aug 30 2004 04:35:02 PM Author: , dont: make list about things you souldnt do. Do: Use your common sense, and be courtious unless you find good reason not to be, Subject: ??? Date: Aug 30 2004 01:15:28 AM Author: Custie McNewberson I'm pretty much lost for words. This sucked, big time. I enjoyed "The VICE Guide to Everything" a lot, but this... come on. And what type of writer, or person in general would fill up a 100-list with nothing but inside jokes, and every boring, drudging detail of their life (which, on paper, looks pretty shitty). I hope she enjoyed those twenty beers, but honestly I don't think she earned them. Subject: that idiot below me. Date: Aug 29 2004 05:56:03 PM Author: charlie its spelled pseudo. and figure out what a comma splice is before you call anyone unintelligent, Koko. you ass. do you really think if you bust out some funny shit phrased in an edgy way that vice is going to pick you up as their new star writer? honestly koko Subject: I close look Date: Aug 28 2004 05:20:57 PM Author: Koko She opened her skull and let it all spill out. What does your typical twenty-something female NYC hipster/writer care about? I was horrifed, and it confirmed what I think about these types: out of touch with the real world, too undereducated to be offering me do/don't info, and a bit too psudo-intellectual for her own good. Amie, learn how to write a clear thought, as opposed to impossible to read gibberish. I'll avoid your writing for the next decade, and then give it a second chance. Koko Subject: oh dawrling Date: Aug 28 2004 12:56:34 PM Author: dawrling this stuff is usually great. but this is taking it to far, now it's all cultish what do you think you are doing? giving out fucking life wisdon? god dr phil, this is just bad. don't fuck something as great as the dos and the don'ts up again. that's just retarded. Subject: 100 do's and... Date: Aug 28 2004 11:38:17 AM Author: big c warlord herb smokin neggerdom dont try to skirt the issue. Canadians are bastards, and neggers. Who has the patience to read thru a hundred yaddda yadda yadas? but hey, brown sugar.... your still a dumb arrrab and i still thank yooo stank Subject: heh Date: Aug 28 2004 01:00:45 AM Author: black gas DO shush people having a coughing fit, or tell them to be quiet like they can actually help it and are doing it to irritate you. only funny once. Subject: just be patient Date: Aug 27 2004 11:37:11 PM Author: faith_salon I have to admit I didn't laugh much the first time.. but if you go back and re-read some of the really strange awkward ones then it's pretty funny...funny in a 'what the fuck' sort of way. And I agree with most of them except for the don't correct people's grammar one- it gets me mad pissed when my 25 year old friends can't decipher the difference between your and you're and to and too. Something in me snaps when people pull that shit, it's so lazy it makes me want to puke. Subject: come on... Date: Aug 27 2004 07:56:33 PM Author: rosietranfan you guys are all sad fucking crybabies. the article was funny. so what if a few/many of them were a little enigmatic and esoteric and didn't make a whole lot of sense. it was still a funny piece and i doubt any of you could write a hundred cohesive sentences about one topic unless that topic was how unfair it is that this girl gets to write for vice and the onion and you still live with your parents and have to work at blockbuster at 27. Subject: vice sucks Date: Aug 27 2004 02:15:56 PM Author: bad touchee hardy har har. this was about as funny as your gay uncle who keeps trying to hug me. Subject: Depends on how you read it. Date: Aug 26 2004 08:11:42 PM Author: embodiedhate Once I started reading it as if someone was saying it (I would assume a typical caucasian female), worked beautifully. Nicely Played. Subject: dork Date: Aug 26 2004 06:20:36 PM Author: Paulie you are a nerd Subject: it just gets worse Date: Aug 26 2004 03:39:22 PM Author: disapointed reader So it's obvious this article really sucks. It's just plain bad, not funny, and not all that insightful. But hey, you can't be spot-on all the time, can you? So I was willing to give Vice a pass on this one. Then I checked out the link to NY Magazine (3 comments down). If Amie locks herself in a closet for the rest of her life, we are all better off. Horrible. Subject: mac Date: Aug 26 2004 03:08:10 PM Author: dog gone I called him and negotiated for a bed. 4 real I should get a life... Subject: Matress Mac Date: Aug 26 2004 02:27:03 PM Author: htowner I went to summer school in 97 with matress mac's son, he popped x pills alot..my friend kevin m. was really good friends with him, kevin was a coke head.. one time i went to a keg party in memorial where all the rich fucks in houston live and kevin and Mac's son were shit faced, everyone was shit faced in 2000 i used to talk to this guy that slanged dope and he was from northside, where mac's store is located , he mentioned matress mac was well known in the drug world... i forgot exactly what he said. Subject: check your heads... Date: Aug 26 2004 12:01:28 PM Author: i love amie B! all you flopcocks who are cranky about this article need to check this out...this is the reason i love amie http://newyorkmetro.com/nymetro/shopping/features/4400/ Subject: 100 Date: Aug 26 2004 11:01:44 AM Author: i knew an amie once... i'll bet this chick is hot. her brain already makes me tingly inside. what if she is tall, with short reddish hair and freckles. i just drooled on myself.... Subject: this 100 sucks Date: Aug 26 2004 08:09:49 AM Author: Sandra-la-la-la These 100 things really stink I didnt even understand anything. Seriously though Vice used to be so cool and I could never understand all the dumb people saying how Vice sucks and all cause I think Vice is so cool but then David Cross wrote he`d never write in Vice again in the party issue I think then this? Well Vice isnt bad I really like it but this article really REALLY sucks Subject: I ALMOST FORGOT Date: Aug 25 2004 08:21:27 PM Author: JOEY MILLIONS THIS BITCH THAT WROTE THE 100 IS TRYING WAY TOO HARD, IT SOUNDS LIKE LORNE MICHAELS SNIFFED THE GAS TANK ON HIS LAMBO AND DECIDED TO HAND IN A FREELANCE PIECE TO YOU NIGGAS. FUCK YOU "AMIE" WHAT A LAME BITCH, ITS SPELLED "AMY" IDIOT, GO KILL YOURSELF WITH THE SHOELACES FROM YOUR "BAPES" Subject: LIKE I SAID BEFORE Date: Aug 25 2004 08:10:05 PM Author: JOEY MILLIONS LET ME WRITE SOME SHIT FOR VICE, LET GAVIN FOCUS ON SNIFFING ANTHILLS OF COKE, ILL DO THE DO'S & DON'T FROM NOW ON. WORD TO JEEZUS NIGGA. HOLLA BAK JOEYHEADLINES Subject: Holla Date: Aug 25 2004 06:27:23 PM Author: Kittenface Crowley I can understand saying you like or do not like something, but please, for the love of ___________________, don't say "WHAT? I DON'T UNDERSTAND." It's called saving computer adventures for post-high moments, fuckkka. Saying you don't understand something doesn't make other people go, "OH THEY ARE RIGHT, WHAT IS THIS PERSON TALKING ABOUT? THIS IZ DUMB," it makes youuuu look dumb because you don't understand simple things. Personally I'm sick of everyone all of a sudden hating Vice. Go the fuck away, then. Go listen to some "not-speed-metal." Maybe Vice should get rid of these commenting things 100%, because it's annoying to see everyone complain every month about how "Vice is going downhill." It's like one kid felt he was too hardcore for this and was like "LAME" and everyone else was like "THEY CALLED VICE LAME AND THEY'RE NOT RIGHT-WING? They must be hip. I'll do it, too. VICE IZ LAME." Go back to cybering. :( Love, Kittenface Subject: ... Date: Aug 25 2004 05:44:31 PM Author: Jesus H. this fucking sucks... i can see why it is only available for the web. hey Vice, i think the writers from Nickelodeon magazine are available for some free-lance work; give one of them a chance Subject: ww Date: Aug 25 2004 10:31:09 AM Author: klit If your ex-boyfriend was mean, DON'T fucking take care of him when he gets mugged. Let him bleed in the street... unless he's gonna put out. Personally, I'd probably join in on the rib kicking. Subject: scheiss Date: Aug 25 2004 07:04:06 AM Author: mike come on! vice is getting really boring! why dont you do an issue with an idiomic contrastaty again...like....space...or..cats...or even skateboarding and fashion Subject: scheiss Date: Aug 25 2004 07:04:06 AM Author: mike come on! vice is getting really boring! why dont you do an issue with an idiomic contrastaty again...like....space...or..cats...or even skateboarding and fashion Subject: Yeah. Date: Aug 24 2004 11:56:14 PM Author: Ben I'll second the IQ ride-height thing; Amie Barrodale, you are awesome. (But don't say "black people can't shake hands" and then expect to recieve the benefit of the doubt for "is sort of in the middle of a black area, and so seems under-shopped". Obviously the latter isn't racist, but you lost 14% of your audience.) Subject: I don't get it Date: Aug 25 2004 12:43:09 AM Author: little gravy All this is is a nice girl telling stories. Why's everyone going nuts on her? Subject: Mattress Mac Date: Aug 24 2004 09:34:17 PM Author: Dave Because we save you money! 100 dollar bills fly, Dave laughs. I remember that guy, I need to buy him some coke. Subject: I gave up reading after step 3 Date: Aug 24 2004 09:03:20 PM Author: unowho This was pretty bad man. I mean, was there any sentences that actually made sense?? NO! It was a rethoric question bitch! Subject: Yes. Date: Aug 24 2004 07:24:51 PM Author: Jake I thought this list was hilarious. At the risk of being too proud of myself, I am proud that I disagree with most of the posts here. Subject: Shh Date: Aug 24 2004 06:48:32 PM Author: Hobo de Bono You miserable, whingeing qwerty sniffers. Do I shit in your eye, or don't I? Shh. Is it Shh? Should there be a few extra S's. Sshh. Ok, I got my mouth in the 'Shh' shape right this second. Don't be afraid of adding that extra S. Sshh. You could always do that instead. Subject: talent.... Date: Aug 24 2004 02:47:14 PM Author: Wutang While I do think that the author my have a shot at one day being funny, I do think that she needs to work on being coherent. Lastly I did read all 100, I did think that they pretty much all sucked, and the only reason I did read them all without quitting halfway through (I'm not really a quitter anyhow) is because I was appalled and amazed all at once that she could make it all the way to 100 without making one decent humorous thought. I digress. While there was some amount of humor, there was nowhere near the amount per reading required for it to be remotely worth posting for others to view. Subject: 9 stories Date: Aug 24 2004 11:22:09 AM Author: eeliio that's good, but it's sort of cheesy too -- it has too much of salinger's idealization of youth in it (like the young genius one -- like that duck crap in C and R) -- but what about in c in the r when the history teacher keeps throwing that magazine and missing? or when holden tells those two girls they look alike and they're both insulted? it's not over-rated, it's just mostly dummies like it. Subject: nice idea, poor execution Date: Aug 24 2004 10:28:09 AM Author: bobby I couldn't even make it more than half-way through this drivel. Please return to freshman comp and recall the concept of "audience." And by the way, Catcher in the Rye did suck compared to Nine Stories. Catcher was the most overrated book I ever read. Subject: DON'T Date: Aug 24 2004 06:47:29 AM Author: David DON'T use one intellectual for all your cultural references. Subject: Fart juice-aunts Date: Aug 24 2004 02:13:28 AM Author: Microbe This thing read like some mid-life crisis bitch manifesto. Fucking boring and completely self involved. What? am I supposed to reat to a 30 something dyke who frequents cosi? Waste of time. Subject: hook me up Date: Aug 23 2004 06:10:24 PM Author: st. sergeant I wanna meet those 10 year olds. are they hot?above the belt, nothing kinky, scouts honor Subject: terrible Date: Aug 23 2004 05:19:40 PM Author: joseppi Wow, I know 10 year olds with more wisdom than this hipster. Terrible. Like a bad parody of a McSweeny's list. Subject: Smarmy girl writer not wanted Date: Aug 23 2004 03:39:13 PM Author: Schatzy I'd like to tie this girl to a wall and throw shit at her. Even the shitty Vice articles I manage to read entirely, but after 20 of these incoherent self-absorbed turds of DOs and DON'Ts I was spent. The only redeeming thing was to skip the rest and cut right to the comments that reamed her work. And what ONE guy kept posting the positive comments over and over? You know it sucked. One comment per. It was probably the author anyway. btw--the onion needs to do a massive overhaul. They have one funny headline every three months and who the FUCK could ever read the stories w/o hanging themselves? Subject: Ride Height Date: Aug 23 2004 02:39:53 PM Author: JellBean I think this article had a ride height of one-hundred and ten, IQ points. Anyone smaller than that just couldn't "see over the fence". So, you didn't not-like-it because it was bad or poorly written; you didn't like it because you aren't very bright. There, I hope this helped! Subject: shut up Date: Aug 23 2004 10:31:25 AM Author: smack if you don't like it, quit reading. how many times does this need to be said. shit, if you have time to read the whole thing, you suck. if you hate it and read it anyway, then post little comments about how it sucks, you suck even worse. Subject: bring it back Date: Aug 22 2004 09:26:04 PM Author: j. kennedy fucking vice bring back the old article. this one is faceless and deserves to be shitted on by a 58-year-old HIV-infected hooker Subject: wtf Date: Aug 22 2004 09:06:40 PM Author: wtf I CANT UNDERSTAND WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT Subject: yawn Date: Aug 22 2004 08:08:14 PM Author: pastuilio couldn't really finish this boring jibber. next. Subject: my throbbing cock Date: Aug 22 2004 04:22:58 PM Author: dav LOFL=laughing out fucking loud #26 is fuckin hilarious Subject: ? Date: Aug 22 2004 02:36:15 PM Author: airline why the fuck did you "update" this. it was fucking hysterical before, now it's all "proper" and shit. way to lose a lot of this issues lustre, vice. Subject: yellowmenace Date: Aug 22 2004 09:35:06 AM Author: Charles the III that apology one was number 51 einstein Subject: I think I get it Date: Aug 22 2004 05:09:54 AM Author: Yellowmenace I hated this article when I first read it. And I didn't read it all after about 10 I could see where it was going.. Now some would say ' ahh, you see this article made you react'. Well yes but because it was so god awful.. I just had to say something.. It was almost anti-writing. I felt like I was less intelligent for the reading of less than half of it. But, now I think it was supposed to be the 'Bizzarro Superman' version of 'the vice guide to everything'. For example, 'don't talk about yourself' and she goes on about her mugged botfriend and some apology letter with the word 'dude' in it. I'm sure there's more but I just can't bring myself to look at that 'thing', which is generously referred to as an article. Vice... U B slippin' like some hip hop one hit wonder. Seriously, 2 or 3 years ago vice was air tight but you've had some circuits loose for some time and gettin' looser, Subject: heh Date: Aug 22 2004 01:24:37 AM Author: William James You guys should whine for a change. Subject: Damn I love energy and brilliance Date: Aug 21 2004 07:15:34 PM Author: Smiler ! Subject: ... Date: Aug 21 2004 06:58:16 PM Author: california sucks why update a published article? how will that fix the damage that's already been done? Subject: dooz unt dontz Date: Aug 21 2004 01:41:04 PM Author: William James I have committed every single don't in that article. Amie, we compliment one another, like male and female reproductive organs. I LOVE iced coffee TOO! Subject: 76 Date: Aug 21 2004 01:02:48 PM Author: tyler some of them are weak and yes a few do not make sense but anything that includes this gets a pass 76. Would it kill you not to live like depressing Satan? Pedestal ashtrays piled with butts and a roommate named Andy who lives in a diaper he folded out of his curtain are totally unacceptable. Subject: sfghfsghsg Date: Aug 21 2004 10:49:29 AM Author: sfghsf "but I do wonder, bone-thin girl who works up front, why does your shit smell like dust?" HAHA, that's fucking funny, the whole article was worth reading just for that one line, what the fuck is wrong with all "you people", why do you all continually read vice and then post witty, semi-funny-terrible comments about how much the magazine sucks? could it be that vice actually has its finger on the gspot of your miserable existence and you just can't handle it? is this witty to? fuck this western bullshit, i'm off to be a cleric or some shit with that alsadr motherfucker, pisstains and poopshoots.