Want to know about all the different kinds of friends? Welcome to the Friendship Forest. It can be a treacherous place, but its rewards are warmth, hugs, understanding, and chuckles. The ultimate goal is finding your BFF, but you'll really have to do some spelunking through thorns and brine to meet the magical unicorn that shits ice-cream cones and cries daffodils.

If you do find her, she will promise to be your best friend forever. If you ever betray her you will have to leave your whole scene and end up all Sex and the City with some cackling JAPs from your office that you hate (plus their assorted shitty dogs and moms) for the rest of eternity.

Here are some surefire guidelines to tell if the type of person you're hanging out with is a friend or just some douchebag using you for your car/other friends/money/couch.

FRIENDS MAKE YOU THINGS
Starting in ancient times, girls made each other friendship pins and stuck them to their shoelaces. These are just safety pins ornamented with plastic beads, sometimes sparkly! They mark your friend territory. Think of them as the platonic girl equivalent of tomcat pee. As we grow, friendship pins develop into mixtapes and then mix CDs (although iPod-sharing is now ruining this fine tradition by turning everyone into mix sluts). My friend Cindy makes dresses for a living for lots of money but she gives them to me for free. Not because I deserve it, but because I don't and she loves me anyway.

Friends like to exhibit friendship by returning from thrifting expeditions bearing gifts that pertain to your special obsessions. For me, that would be owls. Extra good friends will even make you a little book of photos of you guys together.

Friends will also give you clothes that maybe they got too fat to fit into but they fit you and your friend is actually happy to be able to have you wear them and she's not jealous at all.

FRIENDS ANSWER THE FUCKING PHONE
This is a friend prerequisite. I hate when people screen calls. Everyone thinks they're a drug dealer with their cell phone. Like my call isn't important enough to take while they're in the middle of checking Friendster? It's stoops in charge.* Either pick up the phone or call me back that day. You are not that busy, Donald Trump. What do you have to do, get ready for the Governor's Ball? We're all fucking occupied, but we make time for what counts. Like friendship.

Also, if they genuinely can't get the phone, a real friend will leave an outgoing voicemail message with a joke that only all their friends will get. Which leads me to…

FRIENDS ANNOY EVERYONE ELSE WITH THEIR STUPID PRIVATE JOKES
Would you know what I meant if you heard me say, "Dazzle, dazzle, scoop de jour, pride!" to my friend Derrick, or "Paint yourself a picture of an afternoon delight" to my friend Ben? No? Good, you shouldn't. Those jokes are private.

Secret languages can also form an ironclad friendship bond. For example, consider Hanna and Emily, two BFFs since high school. They communicate in their own magical tongue. It's called Swedish, and you can't learn it from a book! Together they use it to talk shit about people in front of their faces, and it brings them closer every day.

FRIENDS KEEP SECRETS
Well, the important ones anyway. Like Jennifer really didn't want me to tell anyone she had an abortion, but we're not friends anymore because she stopped taking my phone calls. So I told everybody. To test out a new friend, tell them you used to have a weird little nubby tail, but make it a real sob story so they believe you. Then see how long it takes to ride the gossip express back to your station. If they don't tell anyone, they're a keeper.

Wait, they actually might just be boring. If it does get back to you that you had a tail, don't trust them, but keep them handy for spreading rumors about other people.

FRIENDS COPY EACH OTHER
This is another ancient ritual, dating back to the Egyptians, when Ramses II totally copied the way Ramses I tortured the Israelites (with sticks). Ally Sklover, my BFF from high school, copied my Adidas Sambas, but I got her back by rocking a pink tracksuit. We're BFFs, so it's all good. Friends also copy words and claim they started them, which led to a great war among my friends in 1999 over who started the word fagét (which means "an effeminate straight guy").

This is not to be confused with friends who claim they started trends that they clearly did not, like my friend Peter who said, "You know how everyone is moving to L.A.? I totally started that!" Er, what?

FRIENDS CALL POISON CONTROL WHEN YOU OVERDOSE ON RED BULL
Let's say you're at a party, and the only free drinks are vodka and Red Bull, and you are currently on the wagon. So you proceed to drink Red Bull after Red Bull. By your sixth Red Bull, you start to believe that you are in fact, a red bull, so you go home and repeatedly ram your head into the wall. You start to panic when you can taste your heart beating. So you call your BFF and she races over at 4 a.m. with Xanax in hand. When you don't calm down, she calls Poison Control, who tell her to take you to the hospital immediately. But you don't want to go, so instead she rubs your back until you fall asleep, and then she quietly leaves.

FRIENDS CUDDLE
Or make out. On rare occasions, they even fuck. It's true! Some friends can make love in the name of friendship and having orgasms, and it will still be cool. It does happen. Especially on road trips. In seedy motels. In Alabama. With a dildo you bought "as a joke."

The best thing, though, is making out with your friends "for practice." If you develop a crush on your friend after a steamy game of Seven Minutes in Heaven, you might get lucky and end up in a full-on Monica-Chandler love explosion. If not, get ready to cry 4-ever. Well not forever, but for a really long time (five days).

FRIENDS BEAT PEOPLE UP FOR YOU
I was at a show, standing on a chair, and I didn't know where to put the bottle cap from my beer. I thought it would be hilarious if I silently placed it on top of this random dude's head. And it was! Until the guy saw me laughing hysterically and realized what I'd done. Then he was like, "Stop laughing at my expense!" (He literally said that.) And he pushed me off my chair onto the floor. My friend Gus got right up in his grill and was like, "Dude!" and he pounded him, even though Gus just got out of jail. Now that guy and everyone around him know that shoving a girl is different.

FRIENDS ARE AT LEAST CORDIAL TO YOUR BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND EVEN IF THEY THINK HE/SHE IS BORING, ANNOYING ON COKE, NOT ABLE TO PLAY "CELEBRITY," OR A FUCKING JUNKIE LIAR
That's all there is to say about that one.

FRIENDS TELL YOU WHEN YOU'RE BEING A DICK
For instance, just a minute ago my roommate, Christi Bradnox, made an AIDS-baby joke, and I was all, "Whoa, dude, not cool. In a different context, maybe, but not this time." Then she made another joke about cancer, but that one was actually pretty good.

Conversely, a real friend is not allowed to get mad at another friend's goofy and pointless jokes, like the time Amy stormed out of an otherwise fun Japanese dinner just because Gavin made a joke about not liking girls with asymmetrical labia. Come on, Amy. That doesn't even mean anything. Asymmetrical labia?

They were in a fight for a year after that.

FRIENDS GIVE YOU A SECOND CHANCE, MAYBE EVEN A THIRD
Like my friend Judi, who let me work at her store. My first day there I showed up an hour late wearing a ripped Van Halen T-shirt and cutoff jean shorts, my eyes basically sewn shut with crackhead crud. She looked at me like, "What the fuck?" and I slurred, "Dude, if you give me a bump of coke or a bong hit, I'll be fine." She looked at me sadly and said, "Lesley, go home." To this day, she is still my friend, and she even lets me work at the store sometimes. Also, I used to intern at Vice and do bumps of heroin in the bathroom every 15 minutes, and look, they still love me! I believe that true, true friendship is unconditional. I've seen guys hook up with their best mate's girl, and sooner or later they forget about it, cuz most of the time you like your friends better than you like your slutty girlfriend. Holding a grudge is pretty annoying, and it sucks to ignore your funniest friend. Think about all the good times you'd be missing out on and all the giggles you won't get to share.

Why are you crying? I'm being nice.

LESLEY ARFIN
*stoops in charge: adjectival phrase meaning "stupid." Comes from "gnarls in charge," an adjectival phrase meaning "gnarly" that is based on the title of the popular TV show Charles in Charge.

COMMENTS

Subject: yaaay Date: Apr 27 2007 08:43:02 AM Author: gnarly Talking shit in swedish with a friend is awesome. Riding schoolbuses in Sydney and describing just how you would fuck with all the teen schoolgirls riding it when they are like 2 feet away from you is the best experience ever. Subject: wow Date: Apr 26 2007 10:31:00 AM Author: rosie FRIENDSTER hahaha Subject: girl/boyfriends Date: Apr 22 2007 04:17:16 PM Author: sum1 If your slutty girl/boyfriend has cheated on you with your best mate, it's a time to, ah, maybe revaluate your life's standing. Subject: .. Date: Apr 19 2007 06:49:31 PM Author: iik It's always funny to find out that stuff you thought was local jokes like "stoops" is international. Lesley is a good writer too. Subject: Girlfriends/boyfriends Date: Apr 08 2007 06:52:10 PM Author: Persun I agree in principle, but it's hard to stay cordial to their junkie, liar, deadbeat, certifiably insane S.O. when that person starts rooming with y'all and is around all the fucking time. Subject: yup Date: Jun 29 2006 03:09:22 PM Author: mad grinder funny but true!!! Subject: vice sucks sometimes (sometimes) Date: May 27 2006 02:19:36 AM Author: yo motha fucking momma I feel all weird when teenagers at 'indie' parties in the valley talk about Vice. vice gets good, vice gets bad. lesley arfin is pretty good. Subject: a sort of drag. Date: Jun 02 2005 04:20:38 PM Author: Synthia Blues one uh my bullshit friend hates my guts cuz her jerk ex boyfriend has a crush on me. damed shame. oh well shes always been a slut-face and hes like fourteen "and a half". Subject: what the fuck do you think? Date: Apr 04 2005 09:05:02 PM Author: rob the fucking articel dipshit. i hate stupid questions. anyhoo good work. but you sound like a bit of a junki bumps of harry at work? shit working at vice cant be that bad. anyway can you or sombody write one about blokes best mates? such as wen i text my mate telling him i just dumped his girl on his beharf so i could fuck her and he was totaly cool with it. or wen your mats beats the fuck out of the guys beating the fuck out of you. and your both all bloody and thinking shit we better get the fuck outa here before they call more cunts down. but as you run away your so happy cos beating the shit out of sombody that started your mate is the best feeling getting pissed and pissing on random objects together eg. thats 16 beers my bladers going to rip wanna piss on carlos and see if it wakes him up? (it dident) joining the army together going to rugby training/indoor soccer then going to the pub staying up all night printing t shirts or making porn movies talking about how chicks sleep around so much. talking about girls you sleped with or wish you could sleep with. talking about vaginas breasts and bums and viginas. yep anyone got any others? Subject: I hope Someone Out There kNOWS Date: Jan 14 2005 03:39:07 PM Author: Ventura "fLAT bLACK iTALIAN" Subject: is this Vice or YM? Date: Oct 18 2004 02:01:33 PM Author: mooseraggle I was laughing at the intro but then it went all Goofus and Gallant, try writing for Highlights sweetie. Subject: i wish! Date: Oct 08 2004 09:16:34 PM Author: pimpJEWz why dont my friends hook me up with xanax!? Subject: out of touch Date: Sep 16 2004 01:33:19 AM Author: jaystein I don't think true "BFF's"(whatever)would "fuck" each other. gross Subject: What!?!?! Date: Sep 13 2004 10:37:39 PM Author: party monster i fuck all my friends! Subject: to be continued Date: Aug 12 2004 09:32:22 PM Author: janimna encore madamoselle your work is perpetuating, bravo and to the rest of us good luck :p Subject: truth Date: Jul 05 2004 04:07:30 AM Author: T good article Subject: Wuzzy Date: Jun 30 2004 01:31:14 PM Author: Fuzzy I feel all warm an fuzzy inside ... thnx lesley Subject: . Date: Jun 19 2004 01:56:40 AM Author: mememe I like this article. Subject: kathy and karla are kuter Date: Jun 14 2004 02:15:46 AM Author: konstance Have a klear dream today. ketamine now on ebay ---- Show me and I'll forget Tell me and i might remember Involve me and I'll understand Subject: irritating Date: Jun 09 2004 01:21:06 PM Author: irritated For some reason I cant get "Dazzle, dazzle, scoop de jour, pride" out of my head. It's irritating the fuck out of me! Subject: Nice Date: Jun 08 2004 11:09:00 AM Author: SouthP Friendship could be defined quite easily. Don't dick your friends around. Trust your friends, don't lend them money or borrow any off them. Set them up with the girl or guy they dig (who you happen to know) and go with it. How hard can that be? Subject: Genius Date: Jun 07 2004 07:39:08 PM Author: Melinda Lesley, I absolutly LOVE this article! I sent it to all of my friends b/c i knew that they would love it as well. For all the pompous assholes who dont like this article, its probably b/c you dont nor have you ever had a best friend. If u did, this would make total sense and you most likely wouldnt have that huge stick still shoved up your ass. Get a grip and loosen up! Subject: Spot on Date: Jun 06 2004 04:28:02 AM Author: Monkey Damn right with the screening calls thing. Arseholes, the lot of them. Just pick up the phone or ring back and stop wasting my time! Subject: Right, right Date: Jun 04 2004 05:52:58 PM Author: BenGay You people are kidding right? This article is dope. Enough, you insecure haters. It walks a fine line between experience and sarcasm. Fucking Brilliant Subject: more lame writing on-line Date: Jun 04 2004 11:17:07 AM Author: clemence Maybe nobody answers your phone calls, Lesley, because you are not their friend, but a bitch. If you did have real friends, they would have told you that your pretentious attempts at being "cutting edge" are embarrassing. I'm sure you try really really hard to be bisexual, because that would give you extra "cutting edge" credentials, but something tells me you've never been to an Alabama motel and can't even find the state on a map. Subject: on point Date: Jun 04 2004 09:12:54 AM Author: vanessa lesley arfin, you do not suck. this article is genius. pure genius. Subject: make me sad Date: Jun 03 2004 06:06:04 PM Author: fsb two pizzas and a machete was an old favorite... my friend OD'd and it's not funny to anyone else. Subject: No surprise Date: Jun 01 2004 11:31:52 PM Author: Alex I used to read this magazine at my ex's. This article, like most of the magazine, is as useless as she is. OK, the magazine has it's moments...this article does not. Subject: what the f&#$ do you think? Date: Jun 01 2004 07:08:12 AM Author: Josh anyone who doesn't read this article and laugh silently to themselves or chortle out loud for all to hear hasn't had the blessing of true friendship in their lives.... this article brings back the good old days of summer camp and other fond memories of a childhood gone by... thanks for the memories.... Subject: I don't get it Date: May 28 2004 03:37:17 PM Author: Naomi Am I the only one that doesn't understand what the fuck BFF stands for? Best Fucking Friend ? Best Friend Forever ? Best Fucking Felacio ? Boobies Feel Fabulous? help me out here. Subject: tatu is not cool Date: May 27 2004 09:41:55 PM Author: jada ma and caty are my bff's. They fit most of these categories. Except we dont make out. Im ok with that. Subject: wow... the most annoying article ever! Date: May 27 2004 04:49:59 PM Author: bff Unbelievable that any person be it female or male could come up with an article as lame as this... i saw this in someones aim link and it made me sick, especially the abbreviation BFF... seriously, what in gods name was going through your mind lesley. Also this coming from a drunky and heroine addict cant be all that reliable can it??? Subject: BFF Date: May 27 2004 12:17:00 AM Author: hmmm thought BFF stood for BEST FUCK FRIEND. Subject: bff Date: May 24 2004 03:46:19 PM Author: blondwig bff = best friend forever! Subject: aww Date: May 23 2004 04:08:20 PM Author: SmashistPanties Now I need to call my friend Steve and make him my friend again. Subject: best friends that hit on your gf Date: May 22 2004 04:18:22 PM Author: your mama it sucks when a guy tries to get with your chick by being the sensitive listener - after you just kicked her out your door. makes you want to kick both their asses out the door. Subject: bff Date: May 21 2004 10:49:09 PM Author: dankzephyr what the fuck is bff? Subject: my friend Date: May 20 2004 08:41:52 PM Author: george bush a real bff is someone you dont have to feel embarassed with when they're helping you retrieve that hamster from your ass after that drunken game went horribly wrong. you sound like you'd be a fun bff lesley - can i go to war on your ass? Subject: yo Date: May 19 2004 06:16:10 AM Author: yoyo i need a friend Subject: making babies in your area Date: May 19 2004 02:38:53 AM Author: tway tway same sex friendships are the only ones that count--(for straight people anyways)-- anything else is one person wanting to hump the shit out of the other person but too afraid to come forth. Subject: i'll do it again Date: May 19 2004 01:07:17 AM Author: random dude you're a bitch for putting that bottle cap on my head and then cackling like a hen being fucked against her will. take your bad ass BFF Gus EVERYWHERE you go cause the second i see you alone i'm shitting on your nose, princess. Subject: shut UP idiots Date: May 18 2004 03:50:10 PM Author: moi i love this article. i love all of lesley's stuff and i have impeccable taste. i want to be lesley's BFF. Subject: chicks Date: May 18 2004 12:28:26 PM Author: jizz monkey heres what i would do: fuck the the chick with the black hair in the ass, then pull out at the last minute and spray my jizz all over the blonde chicks face. or maybe ill just fuck the blonde, i cant decide. Subject: Article-Schmarticle Date: May 18 2004 09:35:44 AM Author: Homeless Cop How easy is it to write for Vice? "Also, I used to intern at Vice and do bumps of heroin in the bathroom every 15 minutes, and look, they still love me!" And you guys let her write an article? Ya know,...I'm tryin' to like this magazine. I've been there from the start,..but it's shit like this that makes me wanna start my own magazine. Lots of people are talented, this bitch isn't one of them. Kinda makes me sad for you guys...... Subject: keith and kathy Date: May 18 2004 12:15:28 AM Author: karla karing is sharing :) ketamine! now on ebay (i love it) the email back from the guy is worth the 2 seconds. Subject: smartbastard Date: May 15 2004 12:46:17 PM Author: THE VICE GUIDE TO BEING A WRITER WRITERS SNEER A LOT WRITERS USE "FUCKING" AS PUNCTUATION EVERYWHERE BECAUSE THEY'RE SO FUCKING CUTTING EDGE AND SHIT WRITERS TALK ABOUT PORN A LOT BECAUSE THEY'RE SO FUCKING CUTTING EDGE AND SHIT WRITERS ARE BORING LOSERS WHO THINK THAT BITCHING ABOUT EVERYTHING IN A SNIDE TONE MAKES THEM SOUND TOUGH AND/OR SMART Subject: bitches Date: May 14 2004 04:26:18 PM Author: Juan Stamos I can't decide if I want to fuck the bitches in the picture or beat the shit out of them. Maybe I'd like to do both. women write the WORST articles. Subject: lesley Date: May 13 2004 08:54:09 PM Author: ashley yeah i liked this one. good job lesley your shit always rocks. :) Subject: friends know Date: May 13 2004 06:43:43 PM Author: Richard Sucker Friends no when to tell their friend that they are writing a total crap piece of shit article and to stop, pick up the phone and tell vice to fuck off. Subject: chicks Date: May 13 2004 01:03:12 PM Author: Me dude, like let's have a party and we can crimp eachothers hair and listen to all those debbie gibson albums you have in your closet. I thought girls were only allowed to write astrology articles. Fuck progress. Subject: slim shady Date: May 11 2004 08:09:31 PM Author: fat brighty what are friends? friends are people you THINK are your friends, but are really your enemies with secret identities. l Subject: slim shady Date: May 11 2004 08:09:31 PM Author: fat brighty what are friends? friends are people you THINK are your friends, but are really your enemies with secret identities. l Subject: friends, obvi Date: May 11 2004 03:32:20 PM Author: turbo 9000 yeah, friends are pretty cool, and I'm glad i have plently of them. I'm a guy and guys are really cool to be friends with because we're all into cool shit and fucking chicks. Chicks can be pretty cool too, plus they got vaginas. and they can go crazy with little or no warning. You did, however, leave one part out of your guide. The type of friend like ERAN S, that seems like a normal guy that comes from a nice jewish family who you get to know a little and you have come over to meet some chicks and he steals one of your watches to finiance a crack binge and you never see again...in fact no one sees him again, but his one friend calls his cell phone to keep tabs on his downfall. that crack takes you down hard... after the money he got for my watch was smoked he stole his dads car, then he smoked that up and sobered up a day and went to some kids bris and smoked the kids foreskins... gnarly. last i heard he got a gun and a copy of the jewish journal and is planning on doing a stickup on sarah silverman's cousin's bris next week for the foreskins. it's just sad Subject: wait a minute Date: May 11 2004 12:52:16 PM Author: jo mama you forgot one...a real friend has no qualms about kicking your ass when you need to be checked. (see Charlie Murphy and Rick James) Subject: nuts and lips Date: May 11 2004 12:33:04 PM Author: Flat nuts It's true. My testicles are deformed like coasters and my balls look like flappy meat curtains. the girls love it. Subject: whu Date: May 11 2004 11:35:53 AM Author: huh i read about 1/4 of dis then realised i have a dick. wheres the shit about bff's waitin till youve passed out , squirtin toothpaste in your ring and leavin a wet condom on the bedside table Subject: That's what friends are for Date: May 10 2004 08:46:46 PM Author: aidsball I have a best friend. Over the past 12 or so years we have been lovers, enemies, acquaintences(?), confedants and the greatest of friends. In fact one summer we got drunk and stoned in the middle of the day and were this close to getting each other's name and "BFF" tattooed across our belly's in olde englishe fonte. Now we're getting married. Subject: Friends Date: May 10 2004 04:51:04 PM Author: ina my BBF & i have known eachother for 12 years. we've made out infront of my boyfriend, & everytime we see eachother, we grab eachothers boobs, like guys shake hands & shit. fact is, all the things written are true about friends. we also buy ridiculous amounts of alcohol & drink in her car next to the park. that's what a bff really is all about. Subject: nuts vs lips Date: May 10 2004 04:24:23 PM Author: ang i don't understand how girls always hate on a guy's nuts when their labias look like mangled kangaroo fetuses. Subject: ... Date: May 10 2004 09:03:59 AM Author: taylor this is shit. Subject: blah blah blah Date: May 10 2004 08:37:37 AM Author: Dave Hey Jaso, that's fucking bullshit. All the best articles are always written by the girls (mad props in a white boy manner to Christi and Donna too). Word. Subject: This article-what the fuck else? Date: May 09 2004 09:16:57 PM Author: Natasha I LIKE this article losers. Good Job Lesley blahdidah. Subject: Loppy Date: May 09 2004 06:26:50 PM Author: Kyla I think Gavin slept with Amy and knows about her lopsided nether-lips. Why else would she be mad at his joke? He had to have seen them. Subject: this sucks Date: May 08 2004 04:35:35 PM Author: Jaso This is crap. The articles written by girls always suck Subject: will you be my frind lesliy Date: May 08 2004 12:04:03 PM Author: rocker i always love lesley's stuff the most! she's so cool and funny! do you think stalking can make me a bff? Subject: sd Date: May 07 2004 06:21:04 PM Author: df they weren't israelites at that point. weren't you paying attention in yeshiva? christ. Subject: werm is not my friend Date: May 07 2004 05:18:48 PM Author: karch a friend is someone who even after repeated attempts at molesting your ass, you still sleep in the same bed with while on vacation in the mountains. i <3 you zach siegel. see also, "dan siegel". yah, the famous jazz superstar. his son is a molester.