NOT NYET

Russia's Dying Make Some Noise

Photo from TMWTG archive

Most extreme-music practitioners work in the comfort of their mummy’s house, fat asses propped up by mum’s gingham pillows, pudgy fingers clamped around steaming mugs of bedtime cocoa. When they’ve finished slaving away on their expensive computer for, oh, three minutes, they self-release their thirteenth-rate Throbbing Gristle bullshit on a 3” CD with a swastika or penis symbol on it. Done.

You know what? Fuck those losers. All over Russia there are thousands of starving near-corpses who make extreme electronic music so fucking raw that it caught the attention of the daddy of power electronics, Whitehouse’s William Bennett, who is compiling it all into something called Extreme Music For Russia.

By bribing them with Western clothes and hassling them on their primitive version of email, Bennett’s uncovered thousands of desperate musicians, some of whom are so short of decent gear that they make their noise music by rubbing rusted, long-empty borscht cans up and down the motor of their 1950s vacuum-cleaner fan while their mate Boris fiddles about with the dial on a totally fucked black-and-white TV that is showing the first season of The Simpsons for the first time ever.

This music is so foreign to our pampered baby ears that it may as well come from Mars, but after sifting through this psychic wreckage of a genre, here are the three bands that made us despair the hardest.

Tea Man For Tea Gum
Best song: “Music for the Kids Without Any” (recorded live on Airspace 103.2FM)
Members: Philipp Wolokitin, G. Fretrixon, Boroja
Sounds like: The tape was all twisted but it sounded like rape.
Other information: They never sleep.

Kryptogen Rundfunk
Best song: “Old Recipe For Modern Society”
Members: M.M., 21 years old, single.
Sounds like: A hundred mice trapped in a hundred tin cans
Other information: The song is dedicated to “oprichnina”—a system of internal political measures established by Ivan IV “Grozny” in 1565–1572 for abolition of probable treachery among the ruling class. It caused mass repression, bloody massacres, street executions, etc.
Other information: The guy told us, “I enjoy listening to natural sounds, especially radio waves.”

Gintas K.
Best song: “o)o(o”
Members: Gintas K, aged 34.
Sounds like: Abortion
Other information: “I playing my music because I feel big pleasure from it. On other hand I don’t want to hurt myself so I must to play.”


TIERNEY WILLIAMS

COMMENTS

Subject: Date: Dec 25 2004 08:59:02 AM Author: Subject: Date: May 16 2004 10:52:58 PM Author: kotovski russian underground music is the fucking bomb! check out the "zhelezobeton" label / distro, run by M.M. from kryptogen rundfunk: http://zhb.radionoise.ru/ it has mp3 samples and all that. Subject: Date: Apr 25 2004 10:34:03 AM Author: hey, i am not russian - i am KRASNOLUDEK and POLACOCKTAMAN. King size for everyone! Philipp Filipp Monopolka/ Tea Man with Tea Gum now at http://noiseweb.com/monopolka Subject: to Jess Date: Dec 21 2003 01:43:22 PM Author: gk to hear gintas k you can from: srfc002 http://surfaces.tinkle.lt/ http://www.retinascan.de/compactdiscs/fcd23.htm 192 kbs mp3 http://www.furtherfield.org/furthernoise/pastreviews/gintask.html Subject: gintas k. Date: Nov 30 2003 10:44:45 PM Author: sunshine sounds like abortion huh? right, not a lovely thought. thats jacked up Subject: monopolka st. pete micro noise Date: Nov 05 2003 12:19:14 PM Author: johnny lang soundsfromthepocket dot com get your tea man with tea gum aka wolokitin. also futuristically historic microcassettes and always lost never found sound, quiet noises, and tomasin, and organ donors Subject: janky teeth Date: Nov 02 2003 09:05:37 PM Author: Da Funkus Ras Joseph, I hope you run into some half bred Russian/Rasta pro-wrestler love child in your "shitty area of the world" to ream you a bigger arse hole. Apparently yours is too tight because there's loads of shit getting squeezed out of that smart mouth of yours. And what the fuck are "janky" teeth anyways? Subject: Ya na kaan romp wit man back inna yard Date: Nov 02 2003 03:36:16 PM Author: Ras Joseph Sorry, but when it comes to shitty areas of the world and making music Jamaicans have been doing way better for way longer (and I don't give a shit that dancehall is getting popular, it won't be this time next year, but the yardies will still be cranking it out through their 20 sub-woofers at the local soundsystem that's run off an amp made from parts found in a 50's Land Rover and a 30's tube radio). And you can actually dance to their music. These fucking Rooski's are just lazy and don't wanna work so they clank some pots and pans together and some art fag thinks it's cool. Although Russian women are way hotter than Jamaican women. I even like the janky teeth and the unshaved bits. Subject: music Date: Oct 27 2003 08:44:08 PM Author: shemp wow... i'm typing on a fucking p2 frankenstein computer, which we are still paying for, since like 1997, i live in a crumby townhouse with my parents that takes 3 full time incomes to fucking pay for... boo hoo. i find it exclusive to the electronic scene that we pigeonhole certain countries to have genuis artists. grow up. please don't kid yourself. I gaurantee you that there is a 90 lb 21 yr old mastermind working some crazy korg & roland & crazy gr.6 electronic science kit setup coming up with the craziest shit... it's just that they're too fucked up on speed to have anyone take them seriously. to those unsung here in canada and the us: don't worry... soon they'll forget about the dj's and look at YOU, the producer, if you make some really crazy shit. no dj funk shit, no dj assault, no icey, no bad boy bill, but REALLY. come up with some new shit. forget everything you've heard. Put lethal explosives in mom's brand new tv just to catch it on .wav you never know. Subject: Sneaky Russians Date: Oct 17 2003 01:18:50 PM Author: ke-laa Fish and Spyder took their club booking advance and 'missed the plane': Last time we ever book oscar the grouch russian street techno d00ds. Subject: fuck shit Date: Oct 16 2003 03:30:35 AM Author: Torasaburo Kobayashi / The Pederast What the fuck, this article is practically about me, I was just in a village with no running water near the Plesetsk cosmodrome making a few noise and breakcore tracks on a 233mhz laptop a month ago. Although I'm back in civilization now. An interesting note is how accurate the malnutritioned description is. I'm 120 lbs and 5'11, in the states I'm a freak, in mother Russia, I'm normal. Subject: i like wodka Date: Oct 05 2003 07:13:50 PM Author: mattleaxe In soviet russia....music plays you! Subject: Date: Oct 02 2003 10:57:09 AM Author: Oh yeah, and it's Tea Man With Tea Gum. Subject: Where to hear Date: Oct 02 2003 10:25:33 AM Author: Jess http://artists.mp3s.com/artists/395/gintas_k.html Subject: Date: Sep 29 2003 01:50:17 PM Author: mishka i am in russia, where do these motherfuckers play? then again, i am in comparatively "rich" st. petersburg where everybody is too busy wearing washed denim jackets and listening to and dyeing their hair like its 1997.