TIDBITS

VICE FOR HOUSE OF COURVOISIER
Here’s the story: Courvoisier (the fancy drink that P Diddy and Pharrell told you about) now has its own design label called House of Courvoisier. HOC recently had a bunch of New York designers compete for this super-high-paying job designing their shit all year ’round. We made them this T-shirt of Napoleon (who used to take bottles of the stuff with him into battle) without skin on his face and they liked it so much they made us do a limited edition of 100. Things were going really well until they started asking us about purses and boots and other Louis Vuitton-type haute couture stuff which, they could eventually tell, we knew fuck-all about. They ended up hiring Jeremy Scott instead, but we still got the T-shirts, which we like because there will only ever be 100 and it’s a good story.
Available at all VICE stores.

LEGAL CIGARETTES
Normally we would never consider putting cigarettes in the Tidbits section, but this is the fashion issue, and for some ethereal and European reason the design collective As Four has been handing out this weird Colombian brand at parties and art openings all over the city. That’s fashion. Get it?

ELECTRO BREATHALYZER
Move over pager, cell phone, and pocket knife, there’s a new accessory coming to this belt, and it’s called the CA2000. Holy shit, is this thing ever fun. First, you hit a button that gives you about twenty seconds to take a deep breath. Then you put your lips around the little hole and just fucking give ’er. We learned that “kind of wasted” is 10–20, “slurring words” is 20–30, “bombed” is 30–35, and when it just starts flashing the word HOT, you know you’re going to need a Xanax to survive the next day. Ironically, this thing prevents hangovers because when someone asks you if you want a beer you just put your finger up in that “hang on” kind of way and then ask the CA2000 what it thinks. If it says more than 30, you opt out. That way you can keep your buzz at the perfect level all night long, thereby avoiding things like fistfights with your best friend and anonymous ass-grabbings.

COKE PILLOWS
Remember Jennifer Lew, the artist/designer who makes pillows out of everything from pieces of toast with bunny faces to pieces of shit with no faces? Well, now she’s really “blown” our minds by making a series of cocaine pillows with matching stuffed razor blades. You can get them as a joke, but we find these pillows especially consoling on those apocalyptic Mondays after the eightball when each diarrhea feels like a liquefied abortion.
Available for about $80 from newmuseum.org

SHOE WHITENER
“OK, I got it. How’s this? We put a picture of a gray smudge on the box with my kid’s face on it.” I don’t get it. What has that got to do with shoe whitener? “It’s a white baby, get it? Gray gets overpowered by the ultimate white thing––a baby!”

You know what, Allan, it’s late and we’ve been working on this all fucking day. Let’s just submit your idea so we can say we met the deadline and we’ll deal with it tomorrow.

CHRISTIAN EYEBROW PENCILS
When you make it to that Tammy Faye world of fucked-up Christian ladies who put so much makeup on their faces they look like scary clown prostitutes, you also make it to that place where your face is gone. Your eyebrows are plucked off, your mouth is a red-stained hole, and your hair has become straw. That’s when you’re forced to buy Christian fake eyebrows. Ironically, God hates that. He hates fake flowers, and He hates that.

CRAZY SHOES
We bought these when we were in Japan and added the World Industries red laces when we got back here. It’s not great wearing them on the bus because guys will nudge their girlfriends and point at you, but if you get them really dirty in the pit they make you look both homeless and magic at the same time.
Like that dude in the Glastonbury “DON’Ts.”

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