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If they really want more of us to join the army, they should just pay her to travel to bars signing us up while we’re drunk. It would work a lot better than those commercials where soldiers are being screamed at in the dark while driving a jeep over a cliff. Comments/Enlarge | See all



What if she is a reclusive art nun who dedicated her life to writing about 18th-century neoclassicism and she’s never been touched by another man before but for some reason you’re the one she chooses? What if that happened? Comments/Enlarge | See all







ERIK LAVOIE'S EX-GIRLFRIEND
And 13 Other Girls Talk About Their Priva...
ERIK’S MOM
An Interview with the Virgin Mary






LOST IN SPACE
M83 Was Discovered in 1751
SOMETHING LIKE AN ANOMOANON
Is Something Like Will Oldham
DEAR DIARY
Entry: 1990
SPITTING MAD
Nasty Crew Set the Pace at 600MPH



Dude, old Jews bawl their eyes out every time you walk by. Eat a burger or put some pants on. [Click for video] Comments/Enlarge | See all







Christi Bradnox: Hello, we’re interviewing New Yorkers about Erik Lavoie, this gentleman here. [introduces Erik]

Suraphon Chanphanitpornk: Hello.

Erik: Whazzup, whazzup, whazzup?

Where are you going?

Christi: You know who would answer the phone like that? The blonde guy from 90210. Steve, I think his name was. Erik is a genius. Don’t you think?

Where are you going?

Erik: Tenth and B.

Christi: Holy shit! What the fuck is that!? That is a fucking name, my friend, Jesus Christ. Chan...Phan.

Chanphanitpornk.

Christi: That thing is, like, fifteen letters. Are you crazy? What are you trying to do, kill us?

It is very long, yes.

Erik: Man oh man!

Yes.

Christi: What does your fucking ID look like? It must be nuts! What do you have—a little part that folds out with the rest of your name stuck on it, like a pop-up book?

It’s a problem. On my driver’s license my second name pushes my first name right off the edge. On my passport they abbreviated it to Chanphanit.

Christi: But they can’t do that. That’s a different name. That’s not you. He’s not Erik Lav. That means Erik “Wash.” He’s not Erik Wash––smell his balls. I’m kidding, Erik. Seriously, what do you do with a name like Chanpanporkpanpork? You can’t let them change your name!

I know. I tell them that, but they say there is no room. They just cut it. Lots of people do that. They get angry. [laughs] My first passport had the last name go down the side when it came to the edge, understand?

Christi: Yeah, like when you’re a kid and you make a Valentine’s Day card for an Indian kid. You’re like, “Will you be my Valentine, Rajiv…Mini…Bhat…Nager?” [motions like she’s writing down the edge of something]

My whole family have problem with this. Back home, my mother and my brothers, everybody have problems with this.
What kind of name is yours? [motions to Erik] French?

Erik: It’s French Canadian, yeah. I’m from Montreal.

Oh, I have a cousin there. It’s very beautiful there at this time of year.

Erik: Yeah...This is us. Right here.

OK.

Erik: Can you give me…$3.50, $5, $10…Can you give me $5, please?

Here you go.

ERIK LAVOIE AND CHRISTI BRADNOX
Recorded and transcribed via cell phone answering machine by Christi Bradnox.

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