WHO PUT THE H IN COUNTRY? - A Few of Our Favorite Fuck Ups

THIS ISSUE:

GOD BLESS THE WEST

OLDER THAN COELACANTHS

THE MERITS OF WAR

WHO PUT THE H IN COUNTRY?

GET OFF THE STAGE

IT’S GOT A GOOD BEAT BUT YOU CAN’T DANCE TO IT

YOU CAN TAKE THE BOY OUT OF THE THEATER

HOT, EURO & GAY

REGULARS:

BEATS AND RHYMES

DOS AND DON'TS

ELECTRIC INDEPENDENCE

NOT FIT TO PRINT

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Photo by Tim Barber.

Sid Vicious was a woman’s blouse. You know him as a punk legend who couldn’t play bass and used to cut himself on stage and got hooked on junk and stabbed his girlfriend and then OD’d a few months later on some dope his mom bought him. But let’s face it: The guy was a submoronic fashion plate who died of pussy-whippedness. Country kills punk. Check it out…

Born: April 6, 1937
Died: Still alive
Wives: 5
Biggest Hit: “Okie From Muskogee”
Best Song Title: “I Made the Prison Band”

Prison’s always been a big part of the country mystique, but Merle Haggard’s one of the few crazy sumbitches to have actually done some serious time. He was nine years old the first time he broke out of a detention center, and at thirteen he was on the lam, playing music at a bar called the Fun Center, where he was paid in beer. Before he made it big in 1963, Merle and a couple of shitfaced buddies decided to burglarize a popular Bakersfield, California, restaurant. They were positive it was three in the morning, but when they broke down the back door they were greeted by a full kitchen staff. It was 10:30 p.m. Merle was arrested the next day, but escaped prison for long enough to run home and apologize to his wife. Then he got caught again. Being in jail just made him that much hungrier to do crime, so he started brewing beer and getting all his convict pals pie-eyed in the yard. (That’s a lot harder than passing off a joint to someone near the weight room.) One day he got too high on his own supply and they threw his drunk ass into solitary confinement, where a man who was sentenced to die convinced him of the obvious: Jail sucks, get out. Merle cleaned up his act and was released two and a half years later. The world rewarded him for his good behavior with fame, fortune, and tons and tons of blow.

Born: Nov. 5, 1946
Died: Sept. 19, 1973
Wives: None (died at 26)
Biggest Hit: None, but he’s been canonized by both country-music fans and people who don’t actually listen to him.
Best Song Title: “$1,000 Wedding”

Gram Parsons was one of those talented, lovable fuck-up types whose premature death from a heroin overdose was not a shock to

anyone. After all, he spent his vacations with the Stones trying to match Keith Richards drink for drink, line for line, etc. He also reinvented the look of the Nudie suit (a must-have outfit for country stars since 1947) by having his custom-made with pot leaves, pills, and naked babes embroidered all over it. His last day started with a liquid lunch at the airport near Joshua Tree, California, then back to the hotel with two gal pals for more Jack Daniels and some heroin and morphine. At some point that night it became pretty clear that he had overdosed, so one of the girls began sticking ice cubes up his ass (a trick that’s supposed to bring junkies out of an OD). At first, it worked. Parsons came to and muttered something like, “Hey, what’re you gurls doin’ with mah pants down?” before getting up and walking himself around the room. After about an hour of that, he died. Parsons’ stepfather had made plans to fly the corpse home to Louisiana, but Gram’s good friend Phil Kaufman knew the singer wished to have his body burned up in the Joshua Tree desert. Kaufman and a buddy managed to grow a big enough pair of booze ballz to steal Parsons’ body from LAX, drive it into the desert in a beer-filled, unlicensed shitbox with no windows, and torch it. The whole story of the Gram Parsons corpse-snatching is now being made into a bad movie starring Johnny Knoxville.

Born: Jan. 17, 1955
Died: Still alive
Wives: 6
Biggest Hit: “Copperhead Road”
Best Song Title: “The Week of Living Dangerously”

When Steve Earle’s 1986 debut album, Guitar Town, morphed from country smash into pop-crossover hit, Earle celebrated by smoking a lot of crack and shooting speedballs with Dilaudid. Run-ins with the Nashville authorities were everyday occurrences for him, and a 1987 altercation with a security guard in which he was choked with a nightstick permanently damaged his singing voice. Around that time, his answering-machine message went like this: “Hi, I’m Steve Earle. I am not at home. I’m out beating up cops, shooting heroin, and chasing 15-year-old girls.” He took a four-year vacation from fame and fortune in the early 90s to live in seedy South Nashville motels, where he was content to spend his days listening to hip hop, glass pipe in hand. Sometimes he would pick up a few bucks as a security guard himself, only at a crackhouse. He skipped a meeting in 1992 with some L.A. record executives who wanted to offer him a multimillion-dollar deal. Apparently, he had sold his plane ticket for $100 and was holed up somewhere with a huge bag of rock. In 1994, he failed to show up for sentencing on a heroin charge and was thrown in jail, where he freaked out and sobered up when his folks visited him. He’s still a totally interesting and talented guy, going on Larry King Live to talk about abolishing the death penalty and writing songs in the voice of American Taliban John Walker Lindh. But pre-comeback Earle is some harrowing, hardcore shit.

Born: Sept. 12, 1931
Died: Still alive (he’s playing Kelowna, BC, on March 21)
Wives: 4
Biggest Hit: “He Stopped Loving Her Today”
Best Song Title: “I Ain’t Got No Business Doin’ Business Today”

Waylon Jennings said of George Jones, “If we could all sound like we wanted to, we’d all sound like him.” He’s considered country music’s greatest singer, and it’s sort of weird that he’s still alive considering the legendary status he’s achieved and all the fucked-up things he’s done over the years. Because he’s been high on booze pretty much from childhood on, there’s no shortage of famous George-Jones-loves-to-party tales. His famed marriage to country star Tammy Wynette produced two especially mind-blowing gems. One day, she foolishly tried to put a stop to Jones’ drinking by hiding his car keys from him. Jones climbed behind the wheel of his lawnmower and used that to get to the bars. Another time, George stocked up the orange grove behind his house with hidden bottles of vodka so that he could hide in the branches and suck down screwdrivers without having to be judged by that unreasonable hard-ass. Things got especially weird for “No Show” Jones (a nickname he earned from blowing off concerts in order to rage) after booze introduced him to its closest pal, cocaine. After that, he would get lost in loud and stuporous arguments with Deedoodle Duck and the “Old Man,” two buddies who lived in his brain and loved mischief. He wrote a book in 1996 celebrating the joys of sobriety, and then almost killed himself two years later when he got wasted and slammed his car into a bridge abutment. I guess he’s straightened up now, but who knows…

SHARKY FAVORITE

- Reader Comments -

Subject: porn
Date: Jan 13 2006 10:02:48 AM
Author: lulu and dazil

hi we love sex on the beach and we are goin there to night we want males at hte beach and lots of them plz luv ya us ps come and bring men and cock tails plz

Subject: rehashed politics and you.
Date: Nov 20 2005 03:10:51 PM
Author: jerod

that's great. quoting shitty NOFX lyrics is an excellent way to make your voice heard.

Subject: FUCK ALL THE WHITE MEN
Date: Oct 17 2005 05:20:37 PM
Author: DON'T CALL ME WHITE

Mooeyeah mooyeah, kill all the white, man.
Mooeyeah mooyeah, kill all the white, man.
The white man calls himself civilized, cause he knows how to take over.
The white man come to my village, and tell me to bend over.
Mooeyeah mooyeah, kill all the white, man.
I don't like the white man above me, he rape my people as well as he rapes my country.
Mooyeah mooyeah, kill all the white, man.
Mooeyeah mooyeah, kill all the white, man.
------------------------------------------
FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING FARMERS! KILL ALL THE WHITE MEEEN! KILL ALL THE WHITE MEEN! KILL ALL THE WHITE MEEN!

Subject: singing his way out of jail for kil
Date: Jul 20 2005 01:20:19 PM
Author: jimmy rodgers

Subject: singing his way out of jail for kil
Date: Jul 20 2005 01:20:19 PM
Author: jimmy rodgers

Subject: country or not
Date: Apr 17 2005 02:36:29 AM
Author: agitprop

Steve Earle owns all genres. Obviously you have not heard his crossover collaboration with Blackalicious.

Subject: correction....
Date: Mar 07 2005 07:24:21 PM
Author: Richter

Those aren't DAC songs....Johnny Rebel sang them, as well as "Nigger Hatin' Me".

Subject:
Date: Dec 25 2004 09:06:38 AM
Author:

Subject: david allen coe RULES!!!!
Date: Apr 17 2004 05:34:04 PM
Author:

some niggers never die and no niggers in our schools are the best songs

Subject: david allen coe RULES!!!!
Date: Apr 17 2004 05:34:04 PM
Author:

some niggers never die and no niggers in our schools are the best songs

Subject: what the fuck?!
Date: Jan 22 2004 10:42:17 PM
Author: george bush

yeah, where the fuck is D.A.C.?

Subject: Where the fuck is David Allen Coe?
Date: Nov 29 2003 03:55:30 PM
Author: bogz

Yeah, c'mon now.. Where the hell is David Allen Coe? He's one of the very first that comes to mind when concernin' this type of shit. Get with it, man.

Subject: Country killers
Date: Jul 01 2003 07:36:33 PM
Author: Diablo Jones

It's nice to read a cleverly written article that tells a good story. No Paycheck or Jerry Lee IS a mystery, I agree with that. Love the speed-pride and hunting David Crosby for sport platforms and the shout out to the Cramps. Live at the Peppermint Lounge. Genius. I disagree about Townes though. Live at the Old Quarter, my man, is blues, country, folk, AND guitar picking, AND he's funny. Take it, it's good for you.

Here's a guy: Spade Cooley was a kickass western swing bandleader in the 40s and 50s. He has some great songs that anticipate rock 'n' roll, but when the real thing came along it pretty much ended his career. He celebrated that fact by stomping his estranged wife to death in front of their 14 year old daughter. He was furloughed from prison 8 years later to play a gig for cops and died backstage of a heart attack.

Subject: the real deal, fools
Date: Jun 17 2003 01:41:54 AM
Author: bobby able

johnny paycheck is legit... real deal,m unlike johnny "fake convict" cash... david crosby is a fucking douchebag hippy, david alan coe is a fucking dull singer-songwriter (and so is townes van zandt!!!!!!!)... and go old school: hank williams and jimmy rodgers were some crazy fucks.... again,johnny cash is obvious, but he did burn down a national forest while raging on speed.... actually, more credit right there..... unlike merle and george doing yuppie scum blow, johnny had the blue collar pride to be doing SPEED..... and gram parsons is about as pure country as john fogherty..... should have put Waylon in instead... and where's the fucking Killer??????? jerry lee lewis had a country career for 25 years and actually SHOT HIS BASS PLAYER IN THE STUDIO.... that's fucking gangsta, punks!!!!!!

lastly, MERLE HAGGARD WAS NOT IN THE AUDIENCE FOR JOHNNY CASH'S "LIVE AT FOLSOM PRISON"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY? BECAUSE THAT FUCKING ABLBUM WAS RECORDED IN 1968, AT WHICH POINT MERLE WAS ALREADY A HUGE STAR....... SORRY, CHUMPS!!!!!!

Subject: fuck up
Date: Jun 01 2003 08:27:21 PM
Author: fuck names

not revolution, revelation.

Subject: fuck up
Date: Jun 01 2003 08:27:21 PM
Author: fuck names

not revolution, revelation.

Subject: Thankyou oh master of the obvious
Date: May 02 2003 01:07:52 PM
Author: pAstOrFuZz

Wow thanks for the insight. Country singers like to get fucked up?..what a revolution! Major ommision concerning Merle Haggard: He was front and center for Johnny Cash's recording at Folsom Prison (yes as a inmate). Oh and where the fuck is David Allen Coe?!?....hes the real deal...a true outlaw.

Top 10 David Allen Coe Song Titles:

1)Homo Truck Drivin
2)Nigger Hatin Me
3)Cum Stains On My Pillow
4)Nigger Fucker
5)Anal Sex
6)Marijuanaville
7)Hot Wet Tight Bald Pussy
8)Leroy the Big-Lipped Nigger
9)The Most Rascist Song in the World
10)Some Niggers Never Die

All this and the guys drummer is black and hes spent decades in prison and reportedly did time on death row and he used to drive a hearst with his name in rhinestones on the door around Nashville when he played the Opry and hes a fucking magician and a fucking ventriloquist.....fuck putting him in your stupid little country music book-report you should do a whole issue on him..let me know if you need some help

Subject: the H in countree
Date: Apr 26 2003 09:39:19 AM
Author: montgomery peanut

...but the music still sucks.

Subject:
Date: Apr 26 2003 02:21:10 AM
Author: carl

funny shit! it's ashame some dimwits can't appreciate real classic country music. where do you think 1/2 of your dillhole music got their ideas from? and anyway, i'd bet money that merle haggard could kick trent reznors pussy ass anyday

Subject: "The H in country"
Date: Apr 24 2003 04:52:58 PM
Author: Farmer John

Now this is the kind of writing Vice should be all about. And DanT's mom must have drank too much mouthwash when she was pregnant with his misguided ass--otherwise I doubt he would be capable of writing such utter nonsensical bullshit.

Subject: Forget C& W
Date: Apr 19 2003 06:54:10 PM
Author: DubDrX

What about The Cramps?
Rockabilly meets the Butthole Surfers in a cramped gararge.
Lux , Poison Ivy, Nick Knox and Congo Powers can out do just about anyone mentioned except for maybe Johnny Ca$h. anyone who can do that with a guitar and Trent Reznor's lyrics is worth mentioning.

Subject: AINT NO H IN COUNTRY
Date: Apr 17 2003 11:33:42 PM
Author: GANGSTA

WHO'S THAT HOTT BITCH IN THAT POSTER?

Subject: What about Willy
Date: Apr 15 2003 10:40:05 PM
Author: DAB

Did you forget about willy Nelson? "The Original" familly man, weed smokin' shroominand tax evadin' hippy from way back. His "private" 3000 person birthday party is still a big orgy every year.

Subject: All y'all is sum bitches.
Date: Apr 15 2003 01:55:13 PM
Author: Ronnie Dainja

I know it's probably pretty mainstream, but nobody's gonna mention Crosby??????
He's not clear cut country, but homeboy wasn't opposed to getting intimate with some glass.

Subject:
Date: Apr 13 2003 01:54:54 PM
Author: squirrel

who put the o in country?

Subject: I was country before country was cool
Date: Apr 10 2003 03:48:04 PM
Author: BR

Let's give them something to talk about...

Subject: what about townes?
Date: Apr 10 2003 02:22:57 PM
Author: bleen bleen

Townes van Zandt
Born: 1944
Died: 1997
Wives: a few
Biggest Hit: Pancho and Lefty (as performed by Willie Nelson)
Best Song Title: Waiting Around to Die

Townes Van Zandt was an Austin-based singer songwriter in the seventies who penned a lot of songs that people more famous than him made hits out of. Then he drank himself to death. Van Zandt was obsessed with death... Friends of the singer swear he often spoke of his own death, predicting it would come at 52, the same age his father was when he passed. Some say he even claimed he would die on New Year's Day, the same day his idol, Hank Williams died. He was right on both counts. He also wrote some of the most deeply beautiful songs ever.

Subject: Broader Horizons
Date: Apr 07 2003 03:40:51 PM
Author: Llami I

Shout out to "dick motherfucking cheney"
and DanT.....riiight.
One is a misogynist with an apt sense of what isn't good music, and the other is a misogynist who seriously lacks wit and and the ability to find new realms of listening pleasure, aside from his collection of blink-182.
Obviously, DanT, there is a lot more to country music than the dixie chicks and shania twain's breasts. (See above article)

Subject: shit nig
Date: Apr 07 2003 01:00:01 AM
Author: dick motherfucking cheney

what about lefty frizzell? that motherfucker did time for rape. i guess that makes him more of a man than roman polanski.

also, the dixie chicks are pretty hard. one night, they drank one too many cosmopolitans and wrote what is widely regarded as some of the lamest fucking music ever. also, one of them is fat. hardcore!

Subject: stick it
Date: Apr 06 2003 04:53:00 PM
Author: stick it

where the hell is Johnny Paycheck you dips?

Subject: F'in kick ass
Date: Apr 01 2003 04:22:45 PM
Author: TJ

H to the izo

where are all the country crack whores, though?

Subject: FUCK-UPS
Date: Apr 01 2003 01:21:48 PM
Author: I AGREE WITH YOU

Hard-core country music villians are what rock-n-roll is really all about, the road to nowhere and all that...but what I really wanna know is why if they are such dweebs then why do they (country fuck music stars) get sooo much pussy? And why is Nashville such a hot-ass music scene? Why were the Stones so heavily influenced? Or were they all just tripped out from drinking too much vodka and shooting heroin and smoking...

Subject: Country Music - Fucking why?
Date: Apr 01 2003 05:49:47 AM
Author: DanT

Shouldn't that be 'Who took the O out of Country? (and knocked the 'RY' off of the end)'? Country music is unholy shit - the kind of aural abortion that inescapably evolves when you've got too many white people with too much time on their six-fingered hands. Fucking stop it, now.

Subject: god bless you
Date: Mar 30 2003 05:16:44 PM
Author: stevie p.

yeah kids. yeah.

Subject: nice
Date: Mar 28 2003 12:44:26 PM
Author: Cowboy X

Nice to see an article about hardcore country greats that doesn't need to fall back on Cash and Jennings (both titans, but there ARE plenty of other greats).

Subject: ANSWER ME!
Date: Mar 27 2003 12:12:12 AM
Author: downlo ho

this reminds me that thing jim goad did in answer me (i think #2?) where he profiled all the serial killers. the only part missing was that brilliant key which had symbols for all the different kinds of freaky shit they were into.

Subject: CASH
Date: Mar 26 2003 01:35:36 PM
Author: tommy

Early one morning I was makin my rounds/ I took a shot of cocaine and I shot my woman down/ Shot her down cause she made me slow/ I thought I was her daddy but she had five more/

Subject: you left out David!
Date: Mar 26 2003 01:08:52 PM
Author: megan

what about David Allen Coe? He never plays the songs anymore, but X-hits is an hour of the raunchiest music ever. He might not be a big heroin junkie but song titles like "Masturbaton Blues" and "Fucking in the Butt" deserve some recognition.

Subject: pearl buttons
Date: Mar 25 2003 06:56:19 PM
Author: ashley

It's about time real country is getting a little attention.. This is music unlike the Dixie Chicks.. What's up with 65 years olds calling this shit country, when they were around when all the good shit was being played and heard.