NEWSLETTER

VICE: What’s with the lisp?
Queer: What do you mean?

You have no idea what I mean?
I guess I have a slight lisp. With enough discipline I can fight it.

Exactly. I think you get traits like that because gays grow up thinking they’re bad and they’re evil etc. and then, when they’re 18 or so, they realize they’re valid human beings but instead of coming out of the closet and being normal, they come torpedoing out of the closet and end up being totally self-indulgent, queenified versions of themselves.
So that implies we would all lisp if we indulged ourselves?

That’s what I’m saying. If we were totally self-indulgent we (men) would all be prancing around like a bunch of fairies.
Some friends of mine argue that there are biological differences in gays. Like you can tell a gay face from a straight face. They would argue that the reason there are lisps in rural Beijing gays and Arkansas gays is that we all have these same genetic traits.
If you’ve ever heard the expression “He walks with a lisp,” you’d understand what I mean — that particularly gay, light-in-the-loafers walk. It’s genetic and I could spot them from a mile away, even if you showed me an X-ray.

That sounds like hogwash. My grandfather still thinks he can tell the difference between a Catholic’s face and a Protestant’s.
You should look into it before you go off like that. I’ve even noticed with daggers—

What’s that?
Bull dykes — that daggers have thicker necks ... Ooh! A hummingbird!
I’m putting that in. I can’t believe you just interrupted yourself for a hummingbird.
Fine.

What’s the sentiment in the fag scene with these really fey queens? Personally, they get on my nerves.
There are two schools: the old school and the new school. The new school sees them as overindulgent.
The old school sees them as a giant “fuck you” to cultural norms. They are taking the hetero perception of gay and exaggerating it through the roof.

Which one are you?
I’m an assimilationist. I guess that’s new-school, but I’m older and I have a lot of respect for the old school. You have to understand that these fey fags are on the front lines of the gay battle. They are the ones getting their asses kicked and kicking ass.

Kicking ass?
Oh my god. Daggers and queens are some of the scariest fighters I’ve ever seen. Using broken light bulbs as knives, throwing people through windows, smashing faces into concrete. There’s a drag queen word — “fierce.” They use it as the ultimate compliment and it kind of sums up their whole value system.

The new school must see that as kind of cool.
Maybe. The thing about new-school gays is that the only time they want to hear about gay issues is when it’s time for bed. I’ve tried to discuss things like “the merits of fey gays” with them and they roll their eyes and walk away. They think it’s fucking gay.

Gay gay or gay gay?
Gay gay.

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