10 "SEMINAL" BANDSThat You Say You Love but Never Actually Listen to
OK let’s cut the bullshit. Nobody’s heard Brian Eno before, The Talking Heads are crap, and, besides one album and one other song, Sonic Youth are unlistenable noise. Right?
The Boredoms and Guitar Wolf look great, but who actually listens to them? They sound like Sid Vicious having a temper tantrum. They are what we call in the music business “shitty bands.” Or what about Daft Punk’s second album? Great for magazine covers (as XLR8R pointed out), but “One More Time” sounds like something you’d hear at Club Med for Kids. 808 State, Big Black, Swans … they look great on a T-shirt, but if that was the only CD you had to listen to on your next bus trip you’d go “aw, fuck!” and stare out the window thinking to yourself “fuuuuuck!”
Why doesn’t the music press talk about bands you actually like?
10 BANDS YOU’VE NEVER HEARD
If you don’t agree with this list, if you’re saying to yourself, “Aw that’s not cool. I love The Jesus Lizard,” just ask yourself, honestly, “When was the last time I actually listened to them?” That’s right. You never did.
 10 Siouxsie and the Banshees
Early British punk was cool to look at but nobody listened to half of those bands. You know that song by Siouxsie and the Banshees? The one where she’s like, “weeraaaw eaaw”? Me neither. I never heard her before. Had her T-shirt when I was 14 but I never heard the ugly bitch. I heard The Damned do “New Rose” and they tore it up, but what else did they do? Nothing. Bauhaus were shitty too. All those bands were just a pile of talentless hairdressers with great PR and zippers on their pants.
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 9 The Beta Band
I love experimental European bands like Chicks on Speed and The Beta Band. Wait a minute, no I don’t. I’ve never even heard them before. The Beta Band is one of those bands that looks great next to your CD player but sounds like self-indulgent noise if you ever press play — which you don’t. You don’t give a shit about them.
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 8 Biz Markie
He’s cool because he’s ugly. He keeps it real. Holy human beatbox, that guy’s crazy good. Great to play as one song in a DJ set, but did you ever sit down to a Biz Markie album? No you didn’t, because you don’t have one. Don’t worry, nobody has a Biz Markie record. He sucks.
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 7 venereal warts
You knew it was going to be bad. The whole drunken, shitty lay you were like, “This is not smart. I really should be using a condom.” And now look at you. Off to the clinic every month to have your genitalia scorched with liquid nitrogen. Nice.
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 6 Fela Kuti
Very cool. African rebel. Weed-smoking revolutionary. Sexy guy. Can you bear to listen to it when you’re all alone? No. You tried it once but were embarrassed to have it coming out of your apartment door when your neighbors walked by. That’s because, no matter how cool the guy was, it’s still world beat and world beat music is mom music.
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 5 Slayer
Fucking great to get tattooed by. Great to play at a bar to show how badass you are. But try to name one song by them. You can blare them with your friends when you’re getting ready to go out but I’ll give you ten bucks if you ever put them on when you get back home. They are a T-shirt band. Like Motörhead. A band you want to be known to love but are secretly bored shitless by.
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 4 The Beatles
Without exception, every “Greatest Bands of All Time” ends with The Beatles. What about the part where they suck fucking shit? What about “Rocky Raccoon”? What about that “will you still love me, when I’m 65” song? That sounds like an ad for Almond Joy. John Lennon sucks too. He “Imagines” a world with no possessions and then dies with $275 million. They were the Coca-Cola of rock and roll bands and they can kiss my ass.
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 3 The Fall
Great band, right? “Mr. Pharmacist” is the jam, right? What about the other 99.9% of their songs? Have you ever heard that album they made up on the spot? The one where he goes, “I am curious orange, curious oh-rawnge”? What the fuck is that? Those guys suck. They’re one of those bands your big brother totes because nobody’s ever heard them before and they seem like some heavy shit. Like Brian Eno. Or Roxy Music. How gay are they? All these groundbreaking bands like The Residents or Throbbing Gristle or Captain Beefheart or Pere Ubu or Cabaret Voltaire are essentially nonexistent. Music critics always cite them as a huge influence but nobody’s ever heard them play a note. I wouldn’t be surprised if none of them even have any albums. I’m not going to look into it, though. I checked out Gang of Four, Love, and Frank Zappa after hearing how influential they were and all I heard was a bunch of gay weirdos going “pajama people, pajama people.” Fuck that.
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 2 Sonic Youth
When a girl is into some weird indie hardcore band like The Jesus Lizard or Slint her boyfriends’ buddies start using words like “wife material.” Too bad all those bands are as boring as talking about cats. Sonic Youth are the worst. Goo is fun and that song “Teenage Riot” is nice, but the rest is fucking crap. When was the last time you decided to put Evol on while you cleaned your room?
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 1 The Talking Heads
The Talking Homos, more like. They are the worst. Why the fuck are a bunch of art students with funny suits mentioned in every single “history of punk” article? Just because they played a local dive called CBGB’s? Ooooh “psycho killer, qu-est que ce?” I’m so scared. What are you going to kill me with, Mr. Oversized Guitar? Pretentiousness? Come to think of it, a lot of those supposedly really important New York punk bands were crap. Patti Smith was a self-obsessed folk singer, The Ramones are Bill Haley, Television are unlistenable after the first five seconds of their best album, and Richard Hell only had “The Kid With the Replaceable Head.” The rest of his shit sounds like that “Doug and Mary Whiner” skit from Saturday Night Live.
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COMPILED BY VICE STAFF
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 Anonymous, on Oct 25, 2009 wrote:
if you’ve never heard any beatles then you have been missing out on great music. no matter what musical taste you have, you’re bound to like a few of their songs from their vast collection. look them up on youtube. elenor rigby,strawberry fields forever, lucy in the sky with diamonds, norwegian wood, helter skelter...etc | | Anonymous, on Jun 5, 2009 wrote:
you have shit taste | | Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote:
Are all of you people actually serious? I love the Banshees, but let’s be honest, she does go ’weeraw eawww’ on like every song. All these ’influential’ bands people just name drop to sound important and special. | | Anonymous, on May 17, 2009 wrote:
seriously, talking heads, television, gang of four, television, guitar wolf, patti smith, and pretty much 25% of the rest are awesome. besides, wtf are you listening to, the new cat power album? exactly. | | Anonymous, on Mar 25, 2009 wrote:
I listen to 808 State, Throbbing Gristle and Roxy Music all the time so what the fuck are you talking about??
Having said that, I actually liked this article. True that re the Beatles, if they’re the greatest band ever, how come I’ve never in my life been around someone that actually put the Beatles on? Ever?? | | Anonymous, on Feb 9, 2009 wrote:
talking heads , the fall and the beatles all made really great music. | | Anonymous, on Jan 7, 2009 wrote:
sonic youth is really hit or miss, they do the whole alternate tuning shit on guitar and have those sound collages, but really are far from seminal nothing is really brilliant, my favorite song was stones but no one else likes that song. | | Anonymous, on Dec 26, 2008 wrote:
dead on
you. you got what i need,. | | Anonymous, on Dec 25, 2008 wrote:
leave television out of this. | | Anonymous, on Dec 15, 2008 wrote:
Take some good acid, put in Daydream Nation then tell me Sonic Youth sucks. They’re what the sun sounds like if you could get close to it without burning the fuck up. | | Anonymous, on Nov 24, 2008 wrote:
i like pere ubu! a lot! and i also like beyonce’s new single so fuck off! | | Anonymous, on Nov 14, 2008 wrote:
The Fall and Throbbing Gristle are both really really good to LISTEN to, and Boredoms are amazing! (who doesn’t want to listen to Sid Vicious have a temper tantrum?)
All in all though I think this article is so unbelievably petulant that its actually pretty funny. I remember being 14 and the guy who played the bass in our awful band and his spotty friends all suddenly announced that they loved The Beta Band. I promptly went on Napster, heard 3 minutes of the most boring crap I’ve ever encountered and never looked back.
Fela on the other hand was the best music in the world when I was 17 and getting stoned driving around the countryside in my friend’s fucked-out fiesta. He’ll always have a warm spot in my heart.
| | Anonymous, on Nov 8, 2008 wrote:
With the exception of Sonic Youth, dead on! | | Anonymous, on Sep 26, 2008 wrote:
doug and WENDY whiner | | Anonymous, on Sep 24, 2008 wrote:
this was the worst music article ever | | Anonymous, on Sep 9, 2008 wrote:
you don’t listen to siouxie? you didn’t love her performance in "out of bounds"? | | Anonymous, on Sep 8, 2008 wrote:
Holy Jesus, you guys are terrible. | | |
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