NEWSLETTER

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Flesh Hunter
Dir: Jules Jordan
Evil Angel
Rating: 10
I’ve been fucking Christina Aguilera for almost two weeks now, and although she won’t let me stick it in her ass I must say she’s pretty good in the sack. For a white chick. Sometimes while she’s on top of me I wish she’d invite Britney Spears over (are they even friends?) and let me bend both of them over and put my index fingers in each of their assholes so I could pretend that I was holding two 9mm pistols. Then I’d be like, “Buck, buck, buck! My 9mm, my 9mm, my 9mm goes bi-louw!” And you know they’d be all reaching around and fingering each other’s pussies and shit. Or no! Wait! You know what would be great? Since both Britney and Christina have their own toy dolls and shit maybe they could fuck each other’s pussies with their dolls. That would be better than some bullshit black dildos. I hate black dildos anyway, they make me feel inferior. Can you imagine how fucked up it would be, though, if the doll heads snapped off inside them and they both went into shock that caused their assholes to tighten up so much that I couldn’t get my fingers out? I mean, who can you even call at that point? Do the girls have to call their respective publicists, A & R guys, and/or assistants? Britney and Christina can’t just go to any old hospital, can they? Especially not with doll heads in their pussies and a dirtbag’s fingers up their ass. You know they have to have their own private doctor, like Elvis. Elvis must have had the best pills. I wouldn’t care if we went to the hospital or not cause you know I’d be secretly videotaping that shit anyway and as soon as I got my fingers out I’d be calling motherfucking Hard Copy.*

Ass Worship 2
Dir: Jules Jordan
Evil Angel
Rating: 8
I was raised hardcore Catholic and it totally sucked. I was forced to attend a private school from kindergarten through eighth grade where the nuns beat me with a ruler in hopes of improving my penmanship, the priests would give me wine and have long conversations about nothing in particular while massaging my shoulders and neck, and we were made to go to church at least once a day, usually to confess our sins. Since confession was on such a regular basis I began to lie and make up sins to confess. It was all pretty bad up until third grade but it got severely worse when my teacher/principal/priest and mother insisted I become an altar boy. I’m not ashamed to say I was the most fucked up altar boy ever. Ever. I’d fall asleep during mass. I’d drink tons of wine and zone out. I’d eat the “Holy Eucharist” as a snack when I was hungry. When I served at funerals I’d always poke the dead body before they shut the coffin. I’d take money from the collection basket and use it to buy comic books. God, now that I think about it, I was kind of a fucked up little shit of a kid and am probably going to get severely punished in the afterlife for it. But I think that’s just what happens to kids when they are force-fed anything, especially religion. They end up as drunken thieves or really bad plane pilots that smash into buildings. That’s why I have chosen a life dedicated to ass worship, because no one is getting drawn and quartered over a little ass- fucking.

Kung Fu Girls
Dir: Slain Wayne
Kick Ass Pictures
Rating 7
When I was young I spent most of my time around my grandparents and aunts and uncles due to my mom working insane hours and my father being dead. Most of my relatives only spoke Portuguese so until I was seven I really didn’t know how to speak English, which was great because my first-grade teacher didn’t expect anything from me. Aside from Portuguese I learned a lot of the typical life lessons from my family that parents usually teach, like respecting others and yourself and shit like that. On the other hand, Sunrise Adams, the star of this flick, is the niece of porn starlet Sunset Thomas. Her aunt must have taught her how to be a slut because she’s really good at it.

CHRIS NIERATKO

*Krystal Steal stars in this movie and she looks exactly like Christina Aguilera and that’s as close as Chris has ever gotten to her or Britney.

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