THE VICE GUIDE TO ALL THE RACES
There are a lot of different races in the world. They range from the truly ugly (whites and abbos) to the infinitely attractive (blacks and Asians). Though our genetic structure is 99% the same, there are still some massive fucking differences. The problems come when you try to organize these differences into categories. Arabs, northern and central Europeans, and West Africans, for example, are lactose tolerant, while Native Americans, abbos, Far Easterners, all other Africans, and Southern Europeans are lactose intolerant. Blacks and Europeans have arched fingerprints, Jews and Indonesians have looped fingerprints, and abbos have whorled ones.
Are races to be sorted by culture, physical features, geography, or blood type? Who is the smartest? Who is the weakest? Who has the nicest hair? Until now these questions were unanswerable. Here is the definitive guide to every race on earth.
THE EVOLUTION OF RACE
52,000 years ago we were all Negroes. Then white people went north and Asians went to the Mongolian desert. White people became normal-looking because they needed to make the most of what little sun there was (humans get most of their vitamin D from the sun). Asians became squinty-eyed because it was so windy and bright in the desert they were squinting all the time. White people’s noses had to shrink because the big ones were getting frostbitten (wide nostrils are good near the equator because it’s easier to breathe the hot, humid air). Nobody knows why whites developed “spaghetti hair.” Some Asians went to Korea where their faces became less round and they grew taller and then some Koreans went to Japan where they became short and their features became even more angular (no idea why). A whole myriad of kind-of-white / kind-of-black people emerged all over the equator, but who knows how many?
Since then it’s gotten harder and harder to figure out. First Linnaeus, back in 1758, organized everyone in the world into: European, Asian, African, and American Indian. Then white people wanted to kick out Jews and Mediterranean types and everyone wanted the gays out of their races (maybe to form one big huge race?). Eventually, after Blumenbach in 1781 and Hooton in 1926, we ended up with nine definitive races. Here they are from best to worse.
ASIATIC
Asians are pretty cool. Only half of them can handle booze but they all have perfect toes. Some of the older Chinese people can be really mean when you’re just asking a simple question but that’s just because they are a more confrontational culture. Like the Jews or the French they are just arguing and you shouldn’t take it personal. The Chinese refer to white people (Americans mostly) as “fat and sentimental,” which is basically true. Japanese people are basically the best race. The women are babes and the men are incredibly smart. Want a computer invented? Ask a Japanese guy. Want to see a babe? Ask a Japanese lady.
Koreans are pretty bad, especially the communists. Lots of war has made them ruthless, and it’s perfectly normal to have your ass whipped right off your body for talking in class. Note that the worst Asians are still better than the best Micronesians. One of the few bad things with Asians, especially Chinese, is that they think sleeping is an indulgence and drink tea 24 hours a day to stay awake and that leads to general craziness.
INDIAN
These guys are pretty smart and resilient (see Gandhi starring Ben Kingsley). The women are also babes (except for the occasional fuzzy one) and the guys make good doctors. Unlike black people they CAN sunburn, which is a problem because a lot of Canadian ones will go down to Mexico and act all tough and then get fried (they go kind of purple). They used to stink but they don’t anymore.
AFRICAN
Blacks tend to have sickle-shaped blood cells, which is fine in hot temperatures where your blood is thin but can lead to trouble in colder places where the thicker blood cells will stick to each other and cause sickle-cell anemia. Another thing about them is that their heels tend to be right angles instead of bulging out at the back like normal.
In 1974 John R. Baker broke down the Africans into two categories: Sanids (Bushmen) and Negrids. This is too complicated. There are way too many different kinds to understand. In America, for example, there are the hard-working, educated ones that are even better than white people. They do all the good things that good white people do but they are less hokey and can party. The bad American ones are fucking scary and are rarely discussed. Abroad the same pattern follows but more exaggerated. In Africa the nice ones are so educated they invent entire cultures. The bad ones, however, would eat the bad American ones alive. If you’ve ever seen how fearless a Zimbabwean gas attendant is during the night shift in the heart of Queens you know what we’re getting at. They are used to watching lions eat their friends so it’s like “bring it on.”
The rest of the places—West Indies, Barbados, Jamaica—are just fun-loving jolly people with rich and interesting accents.
Incidentally, mulattos have an incredible metabolism. The same way a purebred dog is a weak one, mulattos take the best of being white and the best of being black and make a person that is smarter and fitter. The only drawback is the increased metabolism means more B.O. (see any Lenny Kravitz party).
Here’s another weird thing. They have this rule where if you have a drop of black blood you’re black. That means Arabs are black. However, Arabs are Semites like Jews, so Jews are black? They became white after moving to Europe so I guess they’re mulatto.
Mediterranean people like Italians are kind of mulatto too. There should be a new category here called HYBRIDS but fuck it.
AMERICAN INDIAN
These people used to be really cool but are basically fucked now. They used to only have to work 15 hours a week for food and shelter and therefore still love sleeping. Another interesting thing about them is that they have weird earwax. It is powdery and not waxy at all.
Soon there will be no American Indians because they will have been killed via disease and “culture smushing” by the white man (see bottom of chart).
Eskimos also fit into this category. They are capable of much lower temperatures than other races (duh).
POLYNESIAN, MICRONESIAN, MELANESIAN
These are basically Spanish Asians. That’s why they’re brown. Polynesians are the lightest of these tropical island people and Melanesians are almost black. So black, in fact, that they used to be considered abbos.
These three races include all those island people like Hawaiian and Seychelles people—the ones who wear hula skirts and can kill you with a blow dart. They are incredibly agile (note how all DMC champions are Philippino).
EUROPEAN
White people are a funny bunch. Many Asians will note, upon their arrival to America, that “white people smell like hamburger.” They did very well a few hundred years ago but are kind of over now. At best the good ones will own a lawn care company (or something) and like the Who, but they are drastically outnumbered by the bad ones. Unlike other races the bad ones fall into two groups. There are the rich ones: Jack Welch, Dick Cheney, and the like. These men would let the whole world sink into the sea if it meant another SUV for their daughter. The other kind is called white trash. They would sell their baby for crack no problem. Many use the phrase “good while it lasted” when discussing this group.
AUSTRALIAN (ABBO)
Not exactly killing shit as far as the babe population goes. Almost extinct thanks to white people, the abbos haven’t been doing well for about 500 years now. One weird characteristic about abbos is that they have this point in their life called a “walkabout” where, sometime around 18 years of age, they will just start walking and walking and walking. They leave all their stuff and start a new life when they get to wherever it is they end up walking to but they all do it and nobody knows why.
CHRISTOPHER PRINCE
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Anonymous, on Sep 18, 2009 wrote:
bizarre, but, well, quite funny | | Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote:
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and CHRISTOPHER PRINCE developed a micro-penis b/c white boy asses are so damn tight... | | Anonymous, on Mar 15, 2009 wrote:
This is the biggest pile of horseshit I have ever seen on vice. | | Anonymous, on Dec 16, 2008 wrote:
It’s all so true. | | Anonymous, on Dec 4, 2008 wrote:
wow how boring was that ? | | solareyes, on Nov 17, 2008 wrote:
lol i couldn’t stop laughing
I still think it could have been more racist though.. | | Anonymous, on Aug 16, 2008 wrote:
Funny how this is supposed to be clever. | | Anonymous, on Aug 11, 2008 wrote:
Couldn’t agree more about those Azns (especially the Japanese). | | Anonymous, on Jul 6, 2008 wrote:
o.k. that was good. i little politically incorrect. but one hell of an observation.... good job | | |
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