SKINEMA

Skate Trixxx 2
Dir: Christian D. Angel
Video Team
Rating: 6

I love skateboarding and I love porn. I also love bacon and ice cream, just not at the same time. If I want to watch good skateboarding, I’ll pop in Video Days, but I want my pornos chock full of sex. Make sure there’s nonstop fucking from start to quit. You can keep the make-out scenes and the footage from the skate park. The only reason this video is any good is because it’s not the first volume, which was really creepy. It had pro skating midget Poncho Moler fucking some broad and I couldn’t deal with it. I know Poncho and I never thought I wanted to see his cock, but when I got the video in the mail I had to know if the little fucker had a man-dick or a dwarf-dick. I was hoping he had a man-dick because that would look cool on a small-ass dude. But his shit was all short and nubby. One thing Skate Trixxx 2 has in its favor is that it’s all anal. My favorite term for butt sex is “bs/ts.” It’s a skateboarding term that refers to the backside tailslide. My girl has adopted “bs/ts” into her everyday vocabulary. It’s such a good code word. We’ll be in a grocery store and I’ll be bagging shit up while she’s paying and she’ll be like, “I’m in the mood for some bs/ts. We should have some in the car.” And no one else in the store knows that she just invited me into her butt hole. It also makes skateboarding more fun. Every time you’re with your friends and someone tells you which pro just bs/ts’d which famous handrail you can start giggling uncontrollably. As a skateboard-magazine editor, I wish every photo was of a backside tailslide because I have photo captions for days in my head. But life isn’t like that. If it was I’d be able to eat bacon all day every day until I died.

Wanted! Osama Ass-A-Hola
Dir: Vince Benedetti
Gotham Gold
Rating: 2

Can someone tell me what everyone’s problem is with Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein? What did I miss? Why are my favorite shows getting preempted by GW pissing and moaning? Doesn’t the government realize this is the beginning of the new fall season? And who’s the genius who thought it would be a good idea to go on internationally broadcast TV and tell the world we’re going to attack Iran or Iraq or whoever? Like they don’t get Fox? If someone said they were going to shoot up my house on Tuesday, I’d go to the mall that day. Bush should study Tony Soprano. You want Saddam dead? Be his buddy. Take him to the strip club. Get him loaded. Let him do some coke off a hooker’s tits. Then when he’s passed out, instead of drawing penises and swastikas on his face, slit his throat and dump him off the Turnpike. Then play it off. Get back on television and be like, “We’re not gonna bomb Iraq, but we’re still looking for Saddam.” I pay taxes so the government can go kill whoever they want, whenever they want, and not bother me with that shit. That’s why they’re in charge. Why are they telling me? I don’t care. I’m an American, I’m indestructible. I’ll die from high cholesterol long before anybody decides to start launching nukes.

CHRIS NIERATKO

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