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| The author shortly after strangling a man into unconscious | | THE VICE GUIDE TO GETTING BEATEN UP
Don’t be a victim. If some huge fucking Coke machine of a guy tries to attack you, grab his right arm with the forefinger of your left hand, then twist it behind his back and kick in the back of his knees from behind. If he has a knife, use your elbows as side fists and smash his temples at 45 degrees until his pupils dilate. If he gets you into some kind of a headlock, then sit down on one knee so that he’s forced to sit on your lap and then implode his kidneys using the heel of your left palm against your right forearm… blah blah “nose bone into his brain” yadda yadda yadda.
Yeah, right.
If a huge fucking Coke machine of a guy tries to attack you, that’s it. You’re dead. He is going to break your nose and you’ll be lucky to escape without head trauma. Any attempt to use some bullshit fighting tips you read in FHM or Maxim is only going to add to the humiliation. Professional street-fighting tips are for professional street fighters. What about us 90-pound weaklings?
After watching the singer of Oxbow (the greatest art-rock band of all time) strangle a heckler into unconsciousness at a recent Leicester show, we had him write a VICE Guide that deals with the reality of fighting, i.e. how to minimize the inevitable pounding you are about to receive.
Here’s what he sent us. (It’s totally unedited because we were told that making any changes would result in having our bodies “twisted into a ball of misery.”)
IT’S NOT SO BAD
First of all, let’s cut the bullshit. Getting fucked up really bad isn’t that bad. Thanks to the anesthetizing tendencies of adrenaline it’s not even that painful. It’s more a pain in the ass than anything. You know as soon as that nose bone cartilage snaps you are looking at a long and boring 12-hour wait in the emergency room. When someone says, “I am going to fucking kill you,” think of it more as “I am going to audit you,” because all he’s really doing is adding a huge mundane thing to deal with into your next 24 hours. The truth is, the three-week-long pain of regretting that you pussied out is a hell of a lot worse than the dull nonpain of getting in a fight, so there’s no need to be scared. And hey, if you’re that calm you might even win.
DON’T GO CRAZY
More fights are lost from the biophysical functioning of stress-induced fatigue than they are from inferior technique. In other words, relax. Exhale. Like you would for a bicycle crash or an anal rape. If you can fight with as much brio after five minutes (an eternity in fight time) as you can after 20 seconds, you will probably win.
STAY INSIDE
Bar fights are typically fought by drinkers. That is, drunks. Play the odds: Boris might actually be drunker than you and the limitations of indoor fights can’t be underestimated. There’s the errant barstool either swung or tripped over to mix things up a bit, the strategic positioning of reliable friends who can move in if you’re losing, and finally, the simple truth that it’s going to be broken up in less than 10 seconds, leaving you free to posture, scream imprecations, and hope to god nobody takes you seriously when you shout, “Let me go! Let me go!”
The author relaxing at home with his hair off.
Photo by Todd Hester.
CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES
You want to lose a fight? Start one. Every single fight I’ve picked I’ve lost. No one picks a fight they think they can lose, and overconfidence is your worst enemy in a battle. If someone gooses your sister and you have to start a fight, try to avoid men with scarring around the eyes and the ears. Men sporting cauliflower ears and scar tissue on their eyebrows only get that way from training.
BE INTO IT
The most important thing about fighting is to feel passionate about it. That’s why you had all those sick fantasies about that skinhead Pat O’Connor punching your mom in the stomach. You realized a brawl based simply on boots wasn’t enough to get you sufficiently amped. If you just accidentally burned him with a cigarette, fucked his old lady, and smashed into his car, you might want to let this one go. He’s got at least three good reasons to kick your ass and you have... well, none actually.
DON’T MAKE THAT STUPID POST-FIGHT FACE
That fake smile guys do after they’ve been Ass-Kicked has got to go. It’s the same face guys make when their girlfriend catches them cheating. It’s the face of “The Complete and Total Inability to Deal With The Fact That You Might Be Thought to Be a Pussy.” The most notable thing about this face is what the guy says as he’s making it—“Did you see that? The fucking guy sucker-punched me. What a bitch.” Then, four hours later, you come back to the bar and you hear the guy boring some other poor bastard to death with “The fucking guy sucker-punched me. Did you see that?” Get over it. All you should do after the fight is quietly call him a piece of shit and then go get a drink. You’re not going to be able to talk normally (feel your heart) for at least another three minutes, so don’t bother trying.
DON’T GO TO THE HOSPITAL
Unless he removed one of your fingers, do not let the word out that you pissed off some guy so bad he put you in the hospital. Have a beer and settle down. Accept a fake phone call on your cell and pretend you have to go. Shit, pretend you have to leave to go find him but you have to do it on your own. Just make sure that NOBODY finds out you actually went to the hospital instead. If you get stitches, cover them with a huge Band-Aid and say you had to put it there because you were getting blood on your food.
RUN FROM ANGRY GIRLS
What the fuck are you going to do—pound her? Unless you are also a female, you should run away covering your head if a girl has a problem with you. It looks kind of cool, actually. Like you’re a heartbreaking bad boy. If she wants to take you on and you stand there defending yourself, there are two possible scenarios: 1) she beats the shit out of you in front of the whole party and you leave with a black eye and a future as laughingstock of your town; 2) you beat the shit out of her, and you’re forever remembered as the guy who sat on Linda’s chest pounding her bloody head into the ground as the crowd looked on in total and utter disbelief.
HOPE FOR THE BEST, EXPECT THE WORST
I know you’ve been told that people who are willing to say anything are not likely to do anything, but that’s bullshit. Most humans who are not psychotic use a psychological technique called ramping immediately prior to conflict. Through a series of words, or language structures, they get themselves warmed into the prospect of violent activity until, voilá, they’ve arrived at Fight Time. Get there before they do. Pop him one early. Which brings us to our next section…
ACTUAL PLAUSIBLE MOVES
OK, it’s going down. You are a little Timmy. What to do? We’re not going to bore you with impossibly ninjistic moves you’ll never have the gumption to use. We’re going to give you invaluable little tips, like how you should repeat the words “kill, kill, kill” in your head before it goes down. Things like:
THE HEADBUTT
Headbutts are great because they take almost no accuracy and the risk of accidentally hurting yourself is nil. The secret to smashing open his nose is to focus your attention on his two front teeth on the way in. If you’re in North America, he will be totally taken by surprise.
Drawback: As it is for sharks, you can’t see what’s going on as you hit him, so you’re never sure if you really got him.
THE KNEE TO THE HEAD
Most people never think of this, because most people haven’t taken the deadly Southeast Asian art of Muay Thai, and your knee seems too far away from his head for this move to come naturally. Wrap your hands around the back of his head, yank down with an authoritative snap, and leap upward knee first. As you leap your downward snap will meet the rising of your knee, and when his head and your knee meet? Well, it’s nothing short of magic.
Drawback: You have to do it fast because people tend to figure out something’s up when you grab the back of their head.
THE REAR NAKED CHOKE
If, by any sheer luck, you end up standing behind him, it’s time to choke the fucker. Wrap your right arm around his throat, and squeeze it closed by grabbing your left shoulder. Now with your other hand you can push his head into the hold thereby squeezing his neck even tighter. The best part of it is you can talk to him the whole time.
Drawback: You could easily kill him, in which case there’d be “a whole lot of splaining to do.”
THE UPPERCUT
If someone is delivering a knockout punch, nine times out of ten, it’s the uppercut. I don’t know whether it’s the sharp clicking together of the jaw or the stimulation of some sort of nerve bundle, but this punch is relatively easy to do and guaranteed to slip him into sleep. Throw your whole body into it and keep it tight against yourself at the beginning, like a jack-in-the-boxspring. A great way to administer this blow is to be waving your left hand in his face saying something like, “Whoa, whoa, I don’t want any trouble. This is all a big misunderstanding,” and then POW with the right.
Drawback: If your hand speed is slow, don’t even THINK about trying this one.
THE MAD COUNTER
You are going to think this is strange, but it works every time. You tell the guy you’re going to count to five. You don’t say why. You just do it. “ONE,” then, while apparently inhaling for “TWO,” you fucking tear out of there and run as fast as you can. No idea why this works, it just does. There’s a three-second interval where he’s thinking, “Hey, he said he was going to count to five,” and that is all you need to make your getaway.
Drawback: You will be known as a pussy if there’s even a remote possibility you could have won.
EUGENE ROBINSON
Robinson has a street fight record of 0 wins and 3 losses for fights that he’s started, 6 wins and 0 losses for fights he hasn’t, eight years of Kenpo Karate, two of Muay Thai, one of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, three of wrestling, and ten with his fight-prone band Oxbow (www.theoxbow.com). Their latest album, An Evil Heat, has been out for months but it hasn’t exactly made a dent on the charts, so go and get it. This month, Oxbow will release a movie, Music For Adults, which contains lots of footage of Eugene strangling people on tour in Europe.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Oct 2, 2009 wrote:
the swastikas not just a nazi symbol read a book you retards | | Anonymous, on Sep 14, 2009 wrote:
Great article.
But I am glad someone added that having friends in the mafia helps. And that real killers are stealth.
Boner. | | Anonymous, on Sep 14, 2009 wrote:
getting the first hit matters a lot.
| | Anonymous, on Sep 13, 2009 wrote:
one other thing: having friends in the mafia is a good thing (i enjoy such priveleges) being that if someone tries to mess with you they never hear the end of it. and it could be years later, but that guy that hit you out of nowhere and cut out your eyes, that guy was part of my tribe. anyone that would seriously kill someone else would not advertise it or do an interview. real killers are stealth. real death comes from people who have no fear. threats, intimidation, all mean nothing. the person to fear is not the guy claiming fight knowledge, or the guy taking kung fu wagitsu, the real person to fear is the guy that never responds to those people mouthing off to him. there is a 100% chance of violent retribution from the person who never threatens you, never mouths off to you, who sits and waits until you make an ass out of yourself doing an interview trying to look cool. | | Anonymous, on Sep 13, 2009 wrote:
the best way to win a fight is being the kind of person that people think "he would be crazy enough to kill me if he got mad". 100% sane people will never mess with you, they may mouth off, but since they dont do anything they just announce to the world what a bunch of idiots they are. if for any reason, despite all of this, someone does attack you... kill them. and when i say kill them, i say do it brutally so that everyone remembers you for it. do it with witnesses there so that streets scums will remember you. think of every fight as kill or be killed. if you are not that crazy, dont get in fights with people. even the best krav maga dipshit cant stand a chance against a 45 to the head. dont be a hero: kill and make an example, or fuck off. | | Anonymous, on Sep 6, 2009 wrote:
This is why you carry a knife and a gun.Pull out ur knife and while he or they are thinking whip out ur gun and shoot em. | | Anonymous, on Sep 4, 2009 wrote:
if your in a club/pub ive found shouting what the ’hell are you doing’ can help you not to get kicked out. also stop fighting as soon as you see bouncers. like the comment about grabbing their arms - ’’let go or ill beat you up’’. classic. | | Anonymous, on Aug 8, 2009 wrote:
THe guy who says that choking fails is wrong. I have choked people on many an accasion, and it is highly effective if you do it right.
But obviously you have to be behind him right?
Wrong, with a bit of practice you can go straight into someones throat from the front. Downside is it is even easier to accidentally kill someone this way. | | Anonymous, on Jul 30, 2009 wrote:
Choking it the worst mistake you can make. During a heavy fight that guy started choking me from behind and I just relaxed and waited for him to get tired. after 20 seconds or so he was so nackered that I managed to get out of the hug i completed the disagreement with a strong but accurate punch to his ear. | | Anonymous, on Jul 26, 2009 wrote:
spit in the cunts face, then grab him by the ears and headbutt him untill he stops moving! | | Anonymous, on Jul 6, 2009 wrote:
I got beaten up by a girl once....everyone called me a pussy...until I murdered her and ate her face. | | Anonymous, on Jun 30, 2009 wrote:
Actually, with a rear naked choke you do not want the "V" of your elbow as the point of contact with the throat because this will create space where your opponent can catch a breath or slip a hand in to break the hold. Rather, you want the bone in your inner forearm to be the point of contact so there is no space. Also, squeeze with your chest and shoulders and not your arms so you do not gas out your arms. This move is all about eliminating the amount of space between you and your opponent so they do not have the opportunity to catch a breath or escape the hold. | | Anonymous, on Jun 30, 2009 wrote:
This is a repost from the Book. Try again, Vice; hope you paid Eugene for the article this time. | |
| Tubba Botox, on Jun 29, 2009 wrote:
Addendum: If you are ever cornered by more than half-a-dozen assailants, and a fight is unavoidable, the best way to avoid serious injury and/or death (pending certain variables) is to stun the nearest/smallest one, place him in some manner of headlock (rear naked choke would be ideal), then huddle in said corner with your back to the horde. Initially, this will infuriate them, and they’ll spend the next minute or so trying to knock you out. This is where the corner comes in; since there are so many of them trying desperately to cave your head in, and they only have access to 90 degrees of your back, they will mostly fall over themselves hitting each other. At worst, you will receive glancing blows to the back of your head while they tire themselves out. Use the now dead weight of their friend to keep yourself anchored in the corner. Staying conscious is very important at this juncture, you must bide your time. Though it may not be common knowledge among your foes that their compatriot’s brain is rapidly losing access to oxygen, they will probably figure it out when he stops fighting back and becomes motionless. If you stay on your feet, sheltered in the corner, and in control of your captive, somebody in the crowd may care enough about whether he lives or dies to begin negotiating instead of trying to overpower you. Take this opportunity to explain that you will gladly release your strangle-hold if everybody backs off and gives you a clear path to the nearest exit. Walk towards your escape with your back to the wall and keep control of the mark (you may have to drag him). When you are sure you can make a clean break, drop him and get the fuck out of there. Don’t ever go back. Disclaimer: This will only work if you catch everybody off-guard, and a (relatively) peaceful resolution comes before the pack mentality fizzles to the point that somebody remembers they have a weapon and/or how to perform a rabbit-punch. | | Anonymous, on Jun 29, 2009 wrote:
lol, It’s all about having the perfect ratio of being a cool dude but still looking menacing enough that you could kick someone’s ass. Chances are slim to none you’ll ever be in a fight. ;) | | Anonymous, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote:
Best to strike first, fast and hard...
And don’t throw punches - closed fists only break knuckles and wrists - use the heel of your palm and connect with the chin. Keep hitting until the other guy turns tail and runs, or goes down - in which case you then turn tail and run.
As for the other guys comment about using the V or your arm for a choke - that’s totally wrong - that gives them space to breath. Use your forearm. But never ever do this unless your life is in serious danger - and even then it might be better just passing away young than growing old in prison, getting your ass pounded daily. Literally. In more ways than one. | | Anonymous, on Jun 1, 2009 wrote:
he’s got satanist tatoo nazi tatoo and jewish tatoo
he’s rude | | Anonymous, on May 23, 2009 wrote:
eugene says "Buy my goddamned book FIGHT: Everything you ever wanted to know about ass kicking but were afraid you’d get your ass kicked for asking." | | Anonymous, on May 22, 2009 wrote:
hero | | Anonymous, on May 16, 2009 wrote:
Nice tat you fucking nazi | | Anonymous, on May 16, 2009 wrote:
Machismo trash. | | Anonymous, on May 16, 2009 wrote:
you missed out that once someone has broken your nose and has your blood all over them you act all concerned for their well-being and tell them and everyone else in the bar that you have hep C. | | Anonymous, on May 16, 2009 wrote:
Swastika Tattoos always unsettle me. | | Anonymous, on May 14, 2009 wrote:
If a girl has stilettos in her hand, actually run for your life. Those things are lethal. | | Anonymous, on May 14, 2009 wrote:
The key to the sleepr/choke is to get the v of your elbow on the middle front of their neck (their adams apple). Then squeeze inwards by flexing biceps, thus cutting off blood to brain and boom - unconscious. If you fuck this up, you can crush windpipe - that’s murder son.
| | Anonymous, on May 13, 2009 wrote:
Brilliant | | Anonymous, on May 11, 2009 wrote:
i want to hit someone. grrrr.... | | Anonymous, on May 11, 2009 wrote:
You’re all cunts. | | Anonymous, on Apr 5, 2009 wrote:
fighting is alright fun even though i would not do it anymore cause ive learned its a dick move. ive learned this start by punching then try to grab his head if you get it head but. if hes tougher grabhis arms nobody kicks in a street fight with any real effectivness and people will break it up if they get bored. | | Anonymous, on Oct 15, 2008 wrote:
This is magical. I want to print it out and hang it on my fridge. | | | Next 30 comments > |
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