TIDBITS

LOST AND FOUND – A SPECIAL EDITION OF TIDBITS

Two weeks ago I went to a bar on Avenue A to see if I left my black knapsack there. I’ve had that bag for 14 years and am extremely bummed that it’s gone. As I was rummaging through their lost and found box I spotted something I’ve wanted for a long time: a tiny Wrangler jean jacket that would fit me perfectly. I couldn’t just grab it. I was allowed to see the lost and found box on the condition that I was looking for a black bag, not a blue jacket. Then it occurred to me, I could make a mental note of its existence and send someone else to go pick it up later pretending they had lost a tiny Wrangler jean jacket with four pockets on the front. And why stop there? Why not tell every bar and restaurant in New York you’re looking for a black bag? After each lost and found examination you could go outside and jot down their address and what particular goodies they have. Once the list was complete you could give it to your sister Marcia, for example, and send her out on a free shopping spree.

We did and it went smashingly.

Of course, there were some things we hadn’t thought of. One of the problems with “the list” (as we called it) is, the more kind and considerate the staff is, the more you are wasting their time. Assholes just say “no” and ignore you but nice people get way too involved. One French restaurant owner insisted on taking me and a friend through the kitchen (where we were introduced to everyone), through his office and into the wine cellar, desperately looking for our bag in each spot. I saw a good pair of gloves there but couldn’t bear to put them on the list.

There were pleasant surprises, too. One bar, a bar I’ve never been to in my life said, “Oh yeah, we got it right here,” and handed me a $150 North Face backpack. She didn’t flinch when I accidentally went “Score!” and pumped my fist in the air. I saw this as an omen and decided God wanted us to steal.


Our favorite scores include:

LOUIS VUITTON WALLET
Why was this totally empty? Was it the staff? Did a fellow patron empty it before turning it in? Why wouldn’t the thief take the wallet, too? My new “portefeuille” doubles as an excellent conversation piece.

STRIPED MITTENS
My sister says they seemed happy to be found. They were brand- new and homemade. When they were originally abandoned at the restaurant they cried little mitten tears.
Marcia said, “You’re safe now” as she picked them up.

TAPE RECORDER
Excellent for recording farts. See what Skunk bassist Matt Quiggley had to say to Billy Corgan about recording farts on p. 77.

EARRINGS
After noticing all the jewelry in these boxes, we discovered there were also all kinds of earring backings and scrunchies and hair elastics (if you dug deep enough).

JAY-Z CASSETTE SINGLE
This is a good song that we hadn’t heard before. It’s become our soundtrack for the whole event. We even changed “Feelin’ it” to “Stealin’ it.”

FUCK-YOU LIGHTER
A very sturdy and reliable lighter that even has a fuck-you ring on the fuck-you finger in case you didn’t get it the first time.

RATTLESNAKE EGGS
We have absolutely no fucking clue what this is. Possibly some sort of sub-moronic and totally unfunny joke-shop thing, this sealed package purports to contain rattlesnake eggs but actually contains a cheap slingshot. Ha ha?

BASEBALL HAT
These are “in” these days and the fact that we got it from a lost and found makes it even more authentic.

PORTABLE YAHTZEE GAME
Not the funnest game in the world but really hot to bust out on the train when everyone is checking their Palm Pilots.

CHRISTI BRADNOX