LOST AND FOUND – A SPECIAL EDITION OF TIDBITS
Two weeks ago I went to a bar on Avenue A to see if I left my black knapsack there. I’ve had that bag for 14 years and am extremely bummed that it’s gone. As I was rummaging through their lost and found box I spotted something I’ve wanted for a long time: a tiny Wrangler jean jacket that would fit me perfectly. I couldn’t just grab it. I was allowed to see the lost and found box on the condition that I was looking for a black bag, not a blue jacket. Then it occurred to me, I could make a mental note of its existence and send someone else to go pick it up later pretending they had lost a tiny Wrangler jean jacket with four pockets on the front. And why stop there? Why not tell every bar and restaurant in New York you’re looking for a black bag? After each lost and found examination you could go outside and jot down their address and what particular goodies they have. Once the list was complete you could give it to your sister Marcia, for example, and send her out on a free shopping spree.
We did and it went smashingly.
Of course, there were some things we hadn’t thought of. One of the problems with “the list” (as we called it) is, the more kind and considerate the staff is, the more you are wasting their time. Assholes just say “no” and ignore you but nice people get way too involved. One French restaurant owner insisted on taking me and a friend through the kitchen (where we were introduced to everyone), through his office and into the wine cellar, desperately looking for our bag in each spot. I saw a good pair of gloves there but couldn’t bear to put them on the list.
There were pleasant surprises, too. One bar, a bar I’ve never been to in my life said, “Oh yeah, we got it right here,” and handed me a $150 North Face backpack. She didn’t flinch when I accidentally went “Score!” and pumped my fist in the air. I saw this as an omen and decided God wanted us to steal.
Our favorite scores include:
LOUIS VUITTON WALLET
Why was this totally empty? Was it the staff? Did a fellow patron empty it before turning it in? Why wouldn’t the thief take the wallet, too? My new “portefeuille” doubles as an excellent conversation piece.
STRIPED MITTENS
My sister says they seemed happy to be found. They were brand- new and homemade. When they were originally abandoned at the restaurant they cried little mitten tears.
Marcia said, “You’re safe now” as she picked them up.
TAPE RECORDER
Excellent for recording farts. See what Skunk bassist Matt Quiggley had to say to Billy Corgan about recording farts on p. 77.
EARRINGS
After noticing all the jewelry in these boxes, we discovered there were also all kinds of earring backings and scrunchies and hair elastics (if you dug deep enough).
JAY-Z CASSETTE SINGLE
This is a good song that we hadn’t heard before. It’s become our soundtrack for the whole event. We even changed “Feelin’ it” to “Stealin’ it.”
FUCK-YOU LIGHTER
A very sturdy and reliable lighter that even has a fuck-you ring on the fuck-you finger in case you didn’t get it the first time.
RATTLESNAKE EGGS
We have absolutely no fucking clue what this is. Possibly some sort of sub-moronic and totally unfunny joke-shop thing, this sealed package purports to contain rattlesnake eggs but actually contains a cheap slingshot. Ha ha?
BASEBALL HAT
These are “in” these days and the fact that we got it from a lost and found makes it even more authentic.
PORTABLE YAHTZEE GAME
Not the funnest game in the world but really hot to bust out on the train when everyone is checking their Palm Pilots.
CHRISTI BRADNOX
Anonymous, on Nov 7, 2009 wrote:
Hm-m-m, such a nice magazine were all the shit from over the world placed. Keep on |
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Anonymous, on Jun 9, 2009 wrote:
golliwog candies!
if packaging in the us was that awesome, we’d have just about everything we need. |
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Anonymous, on May 25, 2009 wrote:
sit on my face |
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Anonymous, on May 6, 2009 wrote:
Tims makes the *best* Salt & Vinegar chips--and its amazing with Cabernet ;) |
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Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Correction asshole: MUSICIANS benefit humanity. The industry benefits nobody but the industry. |
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Anonymous, on Apr 3, 2009 wrote:
Fuck you Vice for promoting music theft and fuck snot-nosed whiny babies with an entitlement complex who cant shell out fucking 0.99 for a song you can play for the rest of your life and don’t care if they’re comlpetely destroying an industry that benefits humanity immeasurably. Cunts. |
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| crimewave, on Feb 8, 2009 wrote:
i recognized those xanax from a thumbnail. fuck. yeah. |
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Anonymous, on Feb 5, 2009 wrote:
aw i love this |
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Anonymous, on Feb 2, 2009 wrote:
i drove past sambo’s in santa barbara in april 2000 and everyone in the car had exactly the same reaction. the fact that there was a storm coming, so it looked like a ghost town just added to the "did we just drive back to the forties?" feeling. |
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Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
nacism? |
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Anonymous, on Dec 2, 2008 wrote:
Don’t you know SHIT is the shit? |
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Anonymous, on Dec 1, 2008 wrote:
POT
"Me and my girl rolled about three joints before watching The Ring and oh my god did we ever get scared. bollocks !!!
smoke 3 joints and walk around glasgow |
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Anonymous, on Nov 28, 2008 wrote:
bag hutch |
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Anonymous, on Oct 31, 2008 wrote:
sink ma teef innit
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| Tiago, on Oct 16, 2008 wrote:
The eyedrops are not american |
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Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2008 wrote:
That is not a "cheap slingshot" in the rattlesnake egg envelope. Spin the plastic or metal ring that is suspended by the two rubber bands and put it back in the envelope like that.. then, when someone opens the envelope it makes a loud noise (as the rubber bands unravel, spinning the button against the paper)and they yell and then everyone laughs. say duh, you cheap thief. |
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Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2008 wrote:
GOD BLESS AMERICA!!! |
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Anonymous, on Jul 11, 2008 wrote:
Edgy stuff!!!!!!!!!! |
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Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2008 wrote:
I’ve been enjoying hot spotted cock for years. |
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Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2008 wrote:
BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE haha I saw that at work the other day and the bagger and I couldn’t stop laughing!
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