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THE VICE GUIDE TO GOLD DIGGING Every time I buy Vogue I spend most of the time looking at the ads. I want all that shit. I’m supposed to want all that shit. That’s what the whole male bird/fe- male bird thing is all about. Unfortunately, someone forgot to pay me. How am I supposed to buy Agent Provocateur lingerie on $32k/year? I got ripped off. At the other end of the spectrum, you have an entire demographic of lonely, old, rich, white men who hate their wives and will do anything to increase their portfolio of masturbation fantasies. That’s where my new job comes in: the hustle. Tonight, for example, I am going to have an evening filled with an exquisite meal and pre-planned conversation. I take off my sneakers and rummage through my closet looking for something sexy (not slutty), classy, and sleek. Maybe something backless? I strap on the stilettos, the black dress. I want to put my jeans back on but instead I put on a thong. Off comes the Chapstick, on comes the lip gloss and mascara. My stomach turns over as I wait for the doorbell to chime but nobody likes their job so I grin and bear it. At least I gave the car back. GETTING READY Before going out on the safari, make sure your shit is pretty. Shave those pits, put a little scent on yourself, and for god’s sake do not go out in full slut gear. Do yourself up nice like you shit pure milk chocolate. It’s all about finding some dupe that’s going to treat you like a princess with no reciprocation. For some reason, women are under the distinct impression that you have to give up the booty to get the cash. In fact, giving up any piece of you will ruin the whole set-up. I’m not even sure they really want to touch you. It’s like teenage girls screaming for N’ Sync. If one of those boys stopped running and lay on the road naked their fans would faint with confusion. The really rich men just like the game. They hunt money all day and they are intent on hunting cunt all night. So take the small advantage nature has given you, your pussy, and work it until that money pump runs dry. LOCATING THE TARGET I want you to go where all those rich boys are. The coffee shops where grown men ask for skim milk in their lattes. Those trendy juice bars they go to after they’ve spent an hour at some clinic ensuring they stay regular. Make sure that you pick a man that is married and in his thirties or forties. Stay far away from the divorced man or anyone with kids. The former is way too desperate and the latter is more concerned with paying for Catholic school and braces than buying you a new coat. He may look like the average slob, but trust me; the ones with real money can’t dress themselves for shit. Don’t be deterred by that wholesale liquidators get-up. You can fix his wardrobe later when you have to be seen out in public with his tired ass. Until then, pretend not to notice that he’s wearing sandals with socks.  GETTING UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL Sit your fine self in close proximity of the target. The trick here is to get him to speak to you. He has to talk to you first. There’s a few ways to get him to utter the first word. The surefire way is to make eye contact and look down, Molly Ringwald-style. Real shy and sweet, like you’ve never sucked a dick in your whole life. If he’s smoking, look around frantically and obviously for a lighter. He has to play the gentleman. With the first initial contact out of the way, make sure you notice his speech pattern. If he spits out some Ebonics, leave. You are looking for the prep-school-raised, lacrosse-playing fool who is entirely oblivious to the real world. The type of guy that goes to lectures on the history of landscape architecture. Find out what he does. If he says investment banker you have the sweetest plum. If he responds with public school teacher, back away gracefully. You probably have an underappreciated, underpaid boy at home. You don’t need another one. After the small talk you will be invited out. Explain apologetically that you have a boyfriend but you’d really like to have coffee because “you seems like an interesting person.” After that, get his phone number. Do not give him yours. SETTING THE TRAP Call him up and make a play date. Something harmless. Make sure during this conversation that you inquire to how his week was. Ask questions that imply you really care about his racquetball game and his boss. Pretending you are interested is the surest way into his pocket because you know no one else is listening to his bullshit. Meet somewhere quaint and dimly lit for dinner. Be early like you couldn’t wait to hang out. This dinner is extremely important. It will set the tone for the rest of the relationship. Get all the information you can out of him. Where he lives, if he’s content with his life, what kind of self-esteem issues he has. Flatter the fuck out of him. “Wow, could you teach me how to play backgammon?” and “I don’t even know what ‘ethics versus social aesthetics’ means. I’m stupid I think” are good ones I’ve used in the past. Near the end of the evening make it clear you have a boyfriend but you are not satisfied. Even if your man gives it to you till you pass the fuck out, tell the mark that it just isn’t working for you and you are confused. At some point he’s going to call you and ask you to go to a Habermas lecture on the “Failure of the Modern Project” because you were so fascinated by it at dinner (I was?). Tell him you’d really like to go, but you have a previous engagement. He’ll be devastated, but hang up anyway. Call him back exactly 17 minutes later and tell him you’ve canceled that lunch just for him and that you’ll be waiting for him in half an hour. Get to really know him during your discussions for the next couple of meetings. Take him places he’s only thought of going to in his cool-place wet dreams. Take him to quaint galleries, a hip, black club on the lower east side, trendy shows in dirty bars. Some place where his money obviously doesn’t matter. Men with cash are on to us gold diggers, so offer to pay for something every once in a while. Something small like cigarettes or a drink. Under no circumstances do you ask for anything! Just be your ultra hip self - the coolest girl he’s ever met. DOUBLE THE FANTASY Introduce him to a hot girlfriend of yours. Not only does he see more options on the horizon, he now has all kinds of bisexual fantasies to add to the mix. My friend Jessica is always down, because she knows she’s getting an expensive meal or free booze. Allowing him to meet your friends makes him feel like part of the gang. Like he’s making moves. Be careful though. Bring them around only once or twice. You don’t want him moving on to your friend. Inevitably, he’s going to make some type of junior-high move on you. The kind where he tells you that you are really pretty or that you are supersmart. Don’t worry, he won’t get too aggressive because he knows that you are otherwise engaged. The manner in which you reply to these lame come-ons is important. Touch his knee and make sure you say “thank you” in the sweetest voice you possess. Say something corny like “You’re not so bad yourself.” He’ll keep the compliments coming every time you hang out. Make sure to keep your responses varied. Try telling him your friends said he was cool or that you can’t understand why women aren’t all over him. Never tell him you want him. That, my dear, is the kiss of death. CLOSING THE DEAL We are now on the fifth date. Here’s where it gets tricky. If you’ve been following my instructions, then you’ve been portraying yourself as a naïve femme fatale in the making who needs just a little guidance from an older, wiser man. Whatever is lacking at this point in your life is what you bring up in your next conversation. Let’s say you need rent. (You have the rent money, but an extra couple hundred dollars could be well-spent on those red heels you’ve been sweating from D&G). While sitting at that swanky bar he’s going to ask you what’s new. Fidget a little and tell him how you thought you would make rent for sure but you lent money to Jessica and now, now you can’t make rent. Then just wait. If he pauses you may have to look like you’re going to cry. Money-back guarantee he’ll offer you the money. When he does, take a minute before saying, “There’s no way I could pay you back. Ever. You know I make shit at my job.” Now you’ve sealed the deal on a potentially long-running scam and it’s totally legal. From here you can get all sorts of free shit. Need an air conditioner? Tell him how your ex stole it from you last apartment. Sympathy always works. You and your girl want to go see Ghostface but don’t have the cash? Take him along and you’ll be right up front looking good. Need a reference for your resume? Well goddamn! Guess who’s a CEO? CELESTE ARNOLD Top photo caption: A fake modeling photo of Celeste and some of her most recent toys. Clockwise from top right: $1,800 Evisu jacket (not in chart), laptop, mixing board, Event monitors, stereo, Technics 1200, mixer.
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