NEWSLETTER

See all articles by this contributor

AUTHOR: Chris Nieratko

Girls Who Puke
(couldn’t find director’s name)
Totally Tasteless Video

Working for Larry Flynt allows me to access all genres of porn, even bottom of the barrel shit like Girls Who Puke, which, although not even slightly erotic, holds a special place in my heart. I guess because, like the girls in this video, I am a typecasted puker. I’ve done some great work in the past and hope to go on to write amazing films about the trashiness of suburban New Jersey, but the fact is that no matter what I do or how big I get, because I was on MTV’s “Jackass” for 30 seconds of puking, I’ll always be “that puke guy.”

Is that how these bitches want to be remembered? By the looks on their faces I don’t think they really give a fuck. They seem to love swallowing a cup full of cum and then puking all over a hotel bed that is romantically covered with green garbage bags. There’s really not much here to turn you on, but this may be the best video to throw on at a party ever. Girls get fucked from behind and puke up their lunch at the same time. They puke on dudes’ dicks while giving head. They puke on themselves. It’s the classiest porn I’ve ever seen.

Ass Clowns
Thomas Zupko
Extreme Associates

Max Hardcore’s videos disturb me. He likes to spit on girls, call them cunts and smear lipstick all over their faces and pussies. In one of his videos he told the young girl, whose ass he was plugging at the time, to say hello to her father. She smiled into the camera and said, “Hi, daddy. What do you think of your little girl now?” I wanted to cry. I thought about being that girl’s father and how it would break my heart that my demon sperm could create such an abomination. Then I began to think about my days as a sick and twisted college student and how me and my friends weren’t much different than Hardcore. We would crush girls’ worlds all the time. Getting a girl drunk enough to take one of us home meant the entire crew would come over and start urinating and defecating anywhere and everywhere. After she passed out we would steal the TV, VCR, microwave and any other thing of value that we hadn’t shit on. Sometimes we’d even steal the girl’s purse. It makes me cringe to remember it now. Looking back on all that naughtiness I can’t help but think of my loving mother and wonder, “What do you think of your son now, mommy?” But those days are long behind me. I’m sure there are other, younger kids out there trying to live up to the legend of The STDs (that’s what we called our crew) but they all fall short. We were a unique vehicle of hate, never to be recreated. Just as Max Hardcore is the most warped porn maker ever, guys like Thomas Zupko are just cheap imitations. Sure, he spits on girls, smears make-up all over them and smacks and demeans the whores but, like me as a teenager, he doesn’t do it with class. And it’s that little touch of class that they’ll remember you for.

< PREV

MORE FROM THIS ISSUE

NEXT >