NEWSLETTER

On the surface it may seem like a dreary, grAy retirement home for librarians where having fun is prohibited and every night is Blockbuster night. You may know it as merely a logging town where there are still hippies on every corner and the beard/Birkenstock/patchouli meal deal is practically de rigeur, but there's a new Vancouver taking over. It's called Vansterdam and it has everything that Amsterdam has, even the shit. Let's start with the nude beaches.


NUDISTS

It may often be referred to as a welfare line with x-ray specs, but what other major North American city has a nudist beach minutes from downtown where revelers can partake in top-notch "wholesome family nude recreation" on a daily basis? Sure, watching skinny drunk men in nothing but lumberjack vests and cowboy boots can be a bit hard on the eyes, but for every thousand-or-so schizophrenic Kim Mitchell-types there are also one or two breezy delights like Watermelon. Here she is at the "Bare Buns Fun Run" (an annual Wreck Beach fundraiser) reclining in all her naked glory while her tits are painted to resemble watermelons.

The Wreck Beach Preservation Society's website wreckbeach.org has directions, updates of events, beach etiquette and even has a live feed camera that shows current weather conditions.

STRIPPERS

Vancouver has your typical peeler bars (The Naked Ballet is usually the first stop when foreign dignitaries tour the city), but Burlesque Night is different from the usual erotic fare. Reaching back into the past to resurrect 1950s burlesque, Cecilia Bravo of Fluffgirl Productions has been producing these monthly shows for three years. Pin-ups wear pasties, g-strings and vintage clothing at the W.I.S.E. Hall and everyone screams like people did back before university, when having fun didn't mean you were stupid.
Burlesque Night is every month at the W.I.S.E Hall in East Van. Call 604.254.5858 for info.


ORGIES

For people who want to have sex every ten minutes, Vancouver offers an assortment of marginal sex coalitions. One of VICE's faves is Club Bacchus, a monthly swingers party held in "a newly renovated ballroom." People dance and mingle, and then retire to "hospitality suites available for partying" as the sign says. "Both rooms have two beds and there will be trays of meat and cheese in the rooms." You can even put salami on your tits. As you leave, the sign on the door states "Everyone is welcome, regardless of age, race, or body type."

A similar mentality applies to the Vancouver Leather Alliance (VLA), whose motto is: "We are a pansexual 'leather' oriented social group promoting trust, compassion, pride and most of all fun in the leather community." They also mention bi-annual rites of passage nights, in which people's deepest, darkest leather fantasies are acted out no matter how purple  their bums get.

Write the VLA at PO Box 2253, Vancouver, BC, V6B 3W2 or call them at 604.688.WEST, extension 2035.


POT

The entire province of British Columbia is turning into one big grow show and you can practically blow smoke into a policeman's face with impunity these days. Why? Cuz everybody is stoned. Take the "Marijuana Supper Club" run by Cherise Mitchell, for example. All the food is made with weed (we recommend the Jah Smoothies). But David Malmo-Levine, a self-described "cannabis consultant" and one of the icons of the city's pot establishment, says the battle is still not quite won. He was recently jailed for trafficking at the "Dutch Embassy" and the "Harm Reduction Club," an ad-hoc center he created for the recreational use of marijuana. "We're in the same place the homosexual community was in four years ago. We're on the verge of gaining our dignity."

For those who want to find Cherise's little haven, go to the head shops in Gastown and ask around. If you don't look like a cop, someone will probably set you up.


HEROIN

For those who can't stand that hippy shit, Vancouver also has the cleanest heroin in the world. Just around the corner at Main St. and Hastings, the Balmoral and Sunrise hotels are the places to be on welfare Wednesdays, when all the Inuit hookers and out-of-work loggers congregate for a good old-fashioned shindig. East Van's welfare program doesn't discriminate; you only have to live here for about a week to get it. This is way more rock bottom than Amsterdam ever dreamed of. For years now, the city has been in the midst of a scabies epidemic that castigates everyone from ravers to rastafaris and the scabies vortex of the universe is quite possibly the rug at the Ivanhoe hotel.

Thanks to this final missing link, Vansterdam is every bit as vice as its European cousin. From the upscale, burlesque dancing to the heroin scratching of bug-infested  pubic hair, we finally made it.

CC VOLTAGE
with greatly appreciated contributions from evilgus@crazyasspimp.com, that awesome girl from Bommagear and Cori Howard.

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