You know when the DJ has just pulled some insane cross-table double- record-scratch and everybody's screaming, then the bass comes whipping in like zoooooOOOOOSH and it feels like a sweaty man in chaps is forcing his entire balled-up hand into your asshole? That moment is what Belgian techno fans live for. Enlarge/Comments DOs & DON'Ts
Rather than ejaculating in you, Shawn the human sperm just wriggles up your little yum-yum and turns into the worst baby since your stepbrother Aaron. Enlarge/Comments DOs & DON'Ts
Johnny Ryan is a Howard Stern Show superfan. He’s followed the shock jock since 1990, back when Stern’s Saturday-night TV show was included in his family’s cable package. Every couple of years he updates an ongoing poster project that features Stern and his band of Wack Packers. Here’s his take on who’s who from the bizarre and fascinating world Stern created more than 20 years ago. Click on each character to get their story straight from the horse’s mouth. For those of you on browsers that are incompatible with our mp3 player, we've included simplified transcripts of what he's got to say. Which I guess makes the mp3s redundant.
INTERVIEWS BY ELLIS JONES
He’s pretty funny I guess. I like the fact that he sticks a napkin up his ass. That’s funny stuff. He has like, anal leakage or something.
He’s a wrestler from the 80s; from the first wrestle mania. Hulk Hogan defeated him and got the belt and it was like a big, incredible moment for America. But now he’s just this broke-down wrestler type. He’s a real hot head and Stern has him on the show once in a while and he explodes at the drop of a hat. It’s pretty funny.
Um, he’s okay. I saw him at a book signing once. He seems kind of mentally disturbed but he’s definitely not as interesting as some of the other Wack Packer’s.
He’s the guy who wrote Goodfellas. At first when he appeared on the show he was still in the Witness Protection Program, or he was supposed to be, so he would show up via satellite in disguise and stuff. But as the years have passed, now he doesn’t give a shit. He’s interesting because he’s always drunk or on drugs. There was something about him being kidnapped and raped, and the kidnapper videotaping it. I’ve never seen it, but supposedly there’s some video out there of him being anally raped in the woods.
He was great. He doesn’t come on the show anymore because he and Howard had a falling out. I don’t think he could take the abuse that they would give him constantly, but he was hilarious.
I guess I can take or leave Jessica Hahn but she was a big part of the show in the 90s. A lot of the women on the show who are supposed to be like hot pieces of ass were never really appealing to me. They're all sort of gross porn-star types.
He used to do a website called jumptheshark.com, then he started working with Howard when he moved over to Sirius radio. He does the aftershow after Howard does his full radio program and then they have like, a wrap-up chat where they talk about the show. It’s actually pretty entertaining.
She’s like a secondary-type Wack Packer. She doesn’t show up very much, and her shtick is just she’s this senior citizen who raps. But I think the most interesting thing he ever did with her was, they have this machine in the Stern studio that people can sit on and it like vibrates and is supposed to bring you to some orgasm. So they did it with her and it was pretty gross and weird. I don’t know if it worked. It seemed like it did, but I think it was going to make her move her bowels so they had to get her off there.
He's the director of Howard’s OnDemand TV channel. He’s a real asshole on the show. He’s a super conservative, arrogant, contrary-type guy. He always brags about creating this device that you can clip onto your golf cart so you can videotape your gold swing. It’s called like, the “Video Caddy” or something. He’s always plugging it. I had to look it up online to figure out what it looked like. That’s what he’s holding in the drawing.
He’s not one of my favorites, but he’s someone who calls into the show a lot. He’s sort of just a regular caller who sometimes has some funny opinions.
She was in a car accident recently and almost died, but before that she was just like a total mess. They had a beauty contest for Miss Howard Stern and she won, mostly because I think she has this weird baby-type voice. They’ve never done another Howard Stern beauty contest since, so she’s been the perennial Miss Howard Stern. I don’t know if she’s on drugs or something, but she’s just a total whack job. Howard TV did a reality show where they followed her around and she was just drinking constantly and vomiting and having french fries come out of her nose.
Cliff Palette wasn’t all that interesting. He was just one of these guys who had a like a weird speech pattern, and Howard’s a big fan of people who have legitimately weird speech patterns or stutters or things like that. He actually died within the last couple of years. He was kind of blah, but he was supposed to be a nice guy.
Howard likes people who can either fart on command or queef on command. Eve the Queefer was one of the more popular queefers. It’s kind of hard because over the years there have been several queefers and several farters, and I had to narrow it down to the two most popular queefers and farters.
Captain Janks is actually very interesting. He was one of the first Stern fans to calling in to like local news stations or Larry King-type shows. He starts out normal then drops some kind of Howard bomb. He was of the original Howard Stern prank phone callers, but I think recently he got in trouble with drugs and other shit, so he hasn’t been doing it a lot lately. He did some pretty good prank phone calls back in the day.
I don’t know if you know that Mr. Skin website, but it's this whole industry that’s devoted to finding nude people, nude celebrities, and nude actresses or whatever on film and video. Mr. Skin was just a regular guy who would come on the Howard Stern show and talk about the latest movies and who was nude in it and at what time in the video so-and-so was nude. It was always kind of entertaining.
He doesn’t work at the Stern show anymore, but he used to be a producer. His thing was he was a really good-looking guy but wasn’t very smart. He was also a little bit of a hot head, and I think he got involved in drugs. Everyone thought it was funny to question his sexuality. They were always accusing him of being gay.
Riley Martin is this old black guy who claims to have communicated with aliens. He has a radio show on the Stern channel where he talks about hanging out with aliens and what the aliens say. I think the funniest thing about him is that it seems like he’s kind of drunk all the time, but he always has this really deep sonorous voice that brings this gravity to the bullshit that he’s saying.
He's another one of those guys who just has a weird speech pattern. I guess he did crack back in the 90s or something and stroked out. It fucked up his speech so now he talks funny. They use him to make prank phone calls.
There was always a regular group of comedians who would come on the show and Howard had a really good rapport with. Richard Lewis was one of those guys who I think jived really well with the show.
There's not much to say about him. He was just this regular gay guy who came on the show once in a while.
He started showing up on the show early on. Jackie the Jokeman was a regular who quit so they started searching for someone to fill the void that Jackie left. A.J. Benza was one of those guys. I guess he had some kind of E! True Hollywood show or something where he was the host. He wasn’t very interesting, but then he got into a fist fight with Stuttering John and he was immediately fired because he punched Stuttering John in the face.
He was an intern for Howard Stern in the 90s. He was funny because he had all these grand aspirations of doing radio and being an actor, but he had this shitty Long Island or New York-type accent and just seemed like a loser. They would make fun of him all the time. He was always the one to cook Howard’s potato and stuff.
He was some guy who worked in the sales department at the radio station Howard was at before Sirius. They discovered that he did a pretty good Woody Allen impression just with his natural voice, so they started using him whenever they wanted Woody Allen to call into the show.
Again, he's another of those regular comedian guys who worked really well with the show.
He's this big, tough Hell's Angel type. He’s been a bouncer and I guess he was a bodyguard for Pam Anderson. Then he was on that show Oz. He has some interesting stories about beating the shit out of people and stuff.
He basically took over the Jackie spot on the show permanently but he’s not on the show anymore since he tried to commit suicide in December. Everyone’s kind of waiting to see if he’s going to come back.
He’s another weird-voiced character on the show—kind of a retard with a real high-pitched voice.
He works for Sirius as some kind of sales guy or executive type. I think he's friends with Howard. When his name comes up Howard likes to bust his balls. I guess that's his role. Not too interesting.
This guy was really amazing. He did a dead-on David Letterman impression. They would say “David Letterman’s here” and this guy would say horrible things as David Letterman, and it sounded just like him. I don’t think he does the show anymore, I think a lot of people get burnt out on the show after a couple of years.
When I was living in Massachusetts we didn’t get the Howard Stern radio show, but we got WOR in New Jersey and every Saturday night they would have this Howard Stern show that was mostly skits. One thing they would do was get this moron and give him a list of ridiculous and horrible questions, then send him to important events like award shows and press conferences and have him ask these completely insane questions. They were fucking hilarious.
He’s kind of a recent addition I guess. He’s a weird caller from Canada who seems like he has a really horrible life. He might be a little bit mentally ill. He calls in once in a while and has incredible emotional breakdowns over the phone.
There was like a year when I moved from Massachusetts to Seattle and I didn't have the Stern show, and I think Vinnie might have appeared sometime around then. The most interesting thing about him is he gave Howard these tapes he'd made for his wife where he's like wooing her with this weird romantic baby talk. He also writes really stupid music but I think he thinks it’s great and sometimes they play it and make fun of it.
Bob Schimmel just died like a week ago, but he was another regular comedian who was really funny.
Teddy started out as an intern, now he does something like working the boards. He’s most famous for being Artie Lange’s assistant, and Artie had a really famous in-studio blow-up where he started yelling at him and then jumped over the console and beat the shit out of it.
Howard was really into the whole O.J. trial and they had this thing where they would bring somebody in wearing an O.J. mask to sit in during Playboy evaluations or something. He wasn’t all that interesting but he seemed to be on quite a bit.
These two guys singlehandedly revived the Stern show. After Stuttering John left Stern to be the announcer for the Tonight Show, Stern had a contest to win John’s job. Richard Christy, who’s like this metal drummer from Kansas, won, but I guess they decided the runner-up, Sal the Stockbroker, was good enough too. They probably do some of the best prank phone calls in history. Some of their stuff is on par with the Jerky Boys, if not better.
Well that’s Howard’s sidekick. She reads the news. People always say that she’s the straight man on the show, that she’s the voice of reason, but I think she might be the fucking nuttiest one of them all.
He's a guy from way back. He is some kind nut, who would just say weird shit with some sort of speech impediment. Not too exciting.
He was the attorney for the Buttafuocos during that whole Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco thing. Howard was really involved with getting those guys on the air, so I think that's where he knew him from. He just became sort of a regular caller.
Craig was one of those guys who auditioned when Jackie the Jokeman left. He could do a really good impression of Gene Simmons from KISS and he would do Sam Kinison and a couple others. I wasn’t a huge fan of his but he was all right.
He was one of the regular comedians. I’ve never really been a big fan of his comedy. I preferred when Gilbert Gottfried came in and did his Andrew “Dice” Clay impression. That was far funnier.
Back when Howard was on terrestrial radio, on KROQ, this guy was either the program director or the manager of the radio station. He was always the suit that was telling Howard “you can’t do this" and “you can’t do that.” He was a real square.
She was a regular caller right after 9/11 when everybody was crazy about Al-Qaeda and Arabs and what Osama bin Laden was doing. She would call in with her weird, crazy political theories and conspiracies. At first it was all political, but then Howard started to take it over to more personal territory like “Who are you dating?” and “What’s your sex life like?” and she stopped calling.
He’s just another one of the guys with a speech impediment who would call in every once in a while. If you had to rate all the different people with speech impediments who call into the show I don’t think I would put him high up.
He works for Howard TV in some capacity, like he’s a cameraman or a producer or something. He's been there for 20 years or something. Howard will berate him every once in a while—same thing with that other guy that I mentioned who would cook Howard’s potato. The funniest thing about them was when they would fuck up.
He’s another recent one, but he might be one of my favorites. He has this weird relationship with the show where he can’t stop calling in, but Stern and all those guys are constantly making fun of him and trying to get him to do humiliating things, like fly with balloons. And he always gets mad at them and says he’s never going to call again. There are a lot of Wack Pack types where if Howard said “I’ll put on the radio if you eat dog shit,” they would do it. But Eric is more difficult and I think Howard finds that interesting.
She's another caller who has a really bizarre speech pattern. She has an extremely gravelly, high-pitched, bird-type voice. It’s strange. Howard always hangs up on her because it’s a really grating sound. Whenever she calls in they play the sound of a crow cawing—that’s what she sounds like.
He’s from early on. Al Lewis was the guy that played Grandpa on The Munsters. I don’t know how he got hooked up with the Stern show but Stern used him as a regular on his TV show and at his events. He’s a really cranky, cantankerous guy. I guess he was good in that way, that he was always willing to fight and argue about stuff.
This guy's a double whammy because he’s got a really funny voice, but he also does lie detectors, like he’s an official lie detector guy. So if they accused someone on the show of being gay they'd bring in the lie detector guy to ask “Are you gay?” and do the test.
They’re Howard’s parents, who have always been a regular part of the show. Howard would call his parents and talk to them on the show.
He’s this creep who likes women to vomit on him. They’ve had him in the studio a couple times and had women stick their finger down their throat and vomit on him. When you hear his voice he sounds kind of beaten, I guess because it’s hard to find a woman who will vomit on you I guess. Imagine trying to find somebody who will do that. It’s a difficult life.
He would show up on the show back in the late 80s, early 90s. He and Howard had some kind of friendship outside the show, but then I think what happened was he got some kind of morning radio gig in Connecticut. That put a strain on their friendship, so they weren’t really talking for a while. I think they might have reconciled in some way.
Stern also had a guy on the show named Daniel Carver who was the head of the Ku Klux Klan and is a total racist, but he is pretty mild compared to these people. They seem to be really angry, so for a while he would have them on the show and fit them into different segments. Like if they did a “Hollywood Squares”-type thing he would put them in one of the squares. But I think it was starting to bum him out so he doesn't use them anymore.
I guess I would qualify him as another one of those guys with a weird speech affect. I don’t know if he was the tallest man in the world, but he was this giant, like a legitimate giant, like he was 8- or 9-feet tall. He had this really deep, deep voice that was funny to hear on the radio.
She was on the show pretty regularly and then she dated one of the guys from the show, Benjy Bronk. She seems kind of nuts. I wasn’t a big fan of hers.
When Howard went to Sirius he started a news organization that was all things Howard Stern and she was one of the reporters. She seemed very emotional, like she would cry at the drop of a hat and they used to play pranks on her that made her quite upset.
Sam Simon is one of the creators of The Simpsons. I don’t know if you can see in the picture, but he’s holding up a little picture of somebody. Howard has a stylist named Ralph who all the fans hate. Everyone thinks he’s annoying and arrogant and he sits around all day playing with action figures and doesn’t have to work. Somehow he became friends with Sam Simon, almost to an extreme point where Ralph was going over to Sam Simon’s mansion and staying in the guest house for weeks. Whenever anybody would call in and criticize Ralph, Sam would call in and defend him.
I guess his father had connections with the Mafia. He became friends with Eric the Midget, and in a way he’s like Eric the Midget’s manager. Now whenever Stern is dealing with Eric the Midget he’s also dealing with Johnny Fratto.
He’s sort of boring except that he calls in regularly to the show. I guess he came out as being gay on the show. Those are the only two things I can think of about that guy.
That’s Howard’s new wife—his second wife.
There was a period of time when they would have this guy, who had a website—I don’t think it was pornographic—but it was a whole website about tickling women. That’s all it was, just tickling. It never went farther than that sexually. He was really serious about it, which made it really funny. There was nothing funny about tickling to him. So he would come on the show on a semi regular basis and talk about it and do tickling demonstrations.
He worked at that strip club Scores in some capacity, which the Stern show had a close relationship with for several years. Then after that he switched over to Rick’s Cabaret, which is another strip club.
She was some hot black chick who would come on the show and claimed to worship Howard but she'd refuse to take her clothes off or anything. She doesn’t come on the show anymore. She wasn’t that compelling.
He was this guy who would come on the show and he was just some white guy, but he would dress like that with the big afro wig. But he did a really good, Chris Rock-type black guy voice. So yeah, that was his shtick.
He’s just a regular caller on the show. He would call in almost every day and you could hear him smoking in the background.
They do a lot of song parodies on the show and a lot of comedians and fans submit parodies, and he’s one of the more popular and prolific of those.
That’s Howard’s producer who they would always berate and call an ape.
He was also a song parody guy. Stern gave him a show where he’s sort of a new Dr. Demento and he plays funny, dirty music.
He’s someone who worked at the radio station that Howard was at. That was something that Howard was known for, that he would include just random people on the show, like the janitor at the radio station, like “Come on, get on the air.” Then they started including him in bits and stuff.
She’s another one of the news crew on the Howard 100 news. Not much to say about her, just straight, square.
I mentioned before that Eric the Midget would ask Howard for stuff, and Howard would say “If you want to go on American Idol you have to fly with balloons,” and Eric would always refuse, whereas this guy Double A was the opposite of that. They would say “If you want to meet The Rock you have to dress like an elf or stick something up your ass.” He was always willing to be humiliated to meet these celebrities, wrestlers mostly.
He’s another comedian.
He was also a regular comedian and then he dated Robin Quivers for almost a year. Then they split up and now he doesn’t come on the show much anymore. But he was really funny. He used to do prank phone calls where he would wait for telemarketers to call him, then he would fuck with them and record it. I think it was called “Terrorizing Telemarketers.” It was pretty funny.
He’s another of the people who write song parodies for the show.
She’s this weird spacey hippie type lady. She had a show on New York Cable Access, or maybe she still does, and Richard Christy and Sal the Stockbroker started calling her show and harassing her. They were really hilarious calls. Then Howard brought her onto the show and gave her her own show for one or two nights.
Some people consider when Billy West was on to be one of the golden ages of the show. He did the voices for Ren & Stimpy and Futurama. He is really good at doing voices and impressions, so when he was on the Stern show he would be that old, racist baseball manager Marge Schott. I remember my favorite thing was there was this controversy about these Bugs Bunny cartoons that were sort of racist against Japanese people. They did this whole bit on the show where Howard was interviewing racist Bugs Bunny about those cartoons that he did. It was really hilarious.
He’s a real loser and a drunk. He has like a dead arm and I guess he lives in a trailer. But they did this funny bit with him where it was a contest to win like $5,000 and this woman had to stayed handcuffed to Jeff the Drunk for a weekend. So they filmed this whole thing of them being handcuffed together. It was just funny to watch her hold his arm through the bathroom door as he took a shit.
He’s another regular comedian caller to the show who dresses like a clown and tells really filthy, racist jokes.
They just had a "Next Wack Packer" contest where people would come in and they try to be the next Wack Packer and I think win some money. This guy won the contest but he hasn't done anything since then.
Back in the late 80s, early 90s, there was a Howard Stern pay-per-view event called U.S. Open Sores which was a tennis match, but with other stuff going on. Celestine was this armless, legless black woman who played this little Casio thing with her tongue as a street performer. They got her into the event and had her play the National Anthem. It was a pretty powerful moment.
He was an intern and I guess his most famous moment was when Fred Norris, the guy who does the sound effects, was having his bachelor party and Fred got so drunk that he made out with Gay Rich and then Fred proceeded to pass out and I guess he fell down some steps and busted his head open and they had to call an ambulance. That's where I know Gay Rich from.
He would eat mice and worms when they had that old Channel 9 show. I don't really remember him too well.
He’s another regular comedian, I guess he does some impressions or something. I can’t remember of what.
Mark Harris is great. He’s this total queen in his 30s who married an old Hollywood actress/singer, Martha Raye, who's in her 80s. It was very controversial, this young gay man marrying this old woman who is probably rich. There was a lot of speculation about why he was marrying her, and Howard would poke fun at it, but never enough to insult him. Of course Martha Raye died and Mark kind of came screaming out of the closet, but he also writes his own weird Broadway show tunes about politics. He’s kind of a show staple.
He’s definitely Wack Pack royalty. He’s this black midget with fucked-up teeth and I guess he’s kind of retarded but he’s really funny. They get him to do all sorts of things and he says funny shit on the show. I don’t know, it’s a retarded midget. That’s comedy right there.
He’s the ringmaster of the show. He’s pretty brilliant to create this whole amazing world. It’s basically a soap opera. You tune in every day and there's this family dynamic where he’s like the father and Robin’s kind of the mother and there are all these crazy uncles and children they're constantly dealing with. I think that’s sort of the aspect that hooks you gets you to start caring about these people and what’s going on. It’s pretty amazing.
He used to be a regular on the show in the early. I have to admit I wasn’t a huge fan of Sam Kinison. I guess I think he’s OK.
He is famous for marrying Amy Fisher, the woman who shot the Buttafuoco woman in the face. Lou and Amy made porno movies together and they play this dialogue on the show and it's pretty funny. They include Lou whenever they do Playboy contests but they also like to bust his chops about his wife being a murderer.
He's got sort of a Chinese accent but he also has this sort of weird speech affect where he is almost unintelligible. They do contests where they have him recite the lyrics of songs and people call in and guess the song he is reading.
She’s another great Wack Packer. She hates Howard, hates the show, but they continue to be able to get her back on in various ways. I guess she’s some local New York nut that likes to pretend she’s Underdog and dresses up like him. But she takes it dead fucking seriously. It’s that dynamic where she hates the show and thinks Howard is the devil, but likes the attention and getting on the radio to spread her message to the world.
He’s another great one. He’s dead, but his name says it all. He was just this drunk dwarf that came on the show and was pretty regular for a while.
I mentioned Ralph before, he’s Howard’s stylist who everyone universally hates. He might be one of the most hated characters on the show. He actually kind of looks like Howard. Howard’s mentioned that people will see him at restaurants and say shit like “Yeah I saw Howard and he’s a lot shorter than I thought.” I tried to capitalize on the resemblance, but he’s also got the laser pointer in his hand because he was famous for doing these Playboy evaluations. They’d bring these girls in and he'd point out their flaws with the laser pointer. It was really obnoxious.
He is a producer on the show. I’m trying to think of what makes him interesting. He gets into fights a lot with that Scott Depace guy who made the video caddy, because he’s really liberal and Scott Depace is really conservative.
Shuli is this guy who was a regular caller and would make up games and then he became a reporter for the Howard 100 news. He’s different than the other reporters in that he’s kind of a comedian in some capacity, whereas all the other reporters on the news are just straight-up reporters.
He's another producer on the show. He always seems really angry. When he was a kid he had cancer. Howard said he went to visit him as a kid, and now he’s working for Howard.
Oh yeah, I forgot about him. He’s just this freak that came on the show. He was kind of funny in that he had a real attitude on him. I don’t think they’ve done anything with him recently.
She's a Puerto Rican porn star. Her hook is that she is 20-something but she looks like she's 12, so she attracts people on the basis of the pedophelia experience but it's legal because of her age. She's got a really thick accent, so Howard finds it funny that she's saying these really dirty things.
He used to be a writer on the Stern show. People are still debating this, but he seemed to think he could leave the show and find something better but never has. I think he has a show on the Stern channels, but I don’t listen to it. It’s a lot of stupid jokes. He’s not like a Jerry Seinfeld comedian where he comes up with bits. It’s just jokes like from a joke book.
He’s another writer for the show. He's done some Andy Kaufman-esque bits where he gets into these trances and acts crazy in front of people and they record it. But he’s mostly just an in-studio recorder on the show, not one of my favorites.
That’s Howard’s limo driver. I guess it’s fun for people to pick on him because he always seems so irritated and angry all the time. He also works for that strip club Rick’s in some capacity, so he’s like another strip club connection for the show.
I guess he’s a producer in some capacity where he like watches TV and Tivo's shows for Howard to play and comments on. But he’s also funny in that he has a really difficult time communicating. He sounds like the kid from Napoleon Dynamite. He’s also very reserved and he doesn’t like to talk about himself, so Howard likes to play with that and tries to get him to reveal things it seems too painful for him to reveal.
She’s great. She was this black woman who was really angry, just in general. She seemed to like Howard but she hated Robin and she would get really worked up. The best thing was when Artie would try to get her going by insulting her in some way. Once you get her going she starts losing her mind and they start arguing and fighting. And it’s comedy.
He’s sort of this relatively new Wack Packer. He has a really funny voice, I don’t even know if I can explain it. He was brought onto the show by the Bloodhound Gang. I guess they knew him in Pennsylvania or something. But he’s got a funny voice and he seems slightly retarded, so they used him for phone calls and things like that.
Bobo is a frequent caller. He has a really bad wig that they always make fun of. “Hair system,” that’s what he calls it.
He works at Sirius, I think he’s the assistant to the program director, Tim Sabian. J.D., the nerd kid, got in some kind a war with Jared because Jared’s so good looking. I think that made J.D. mad and he didn’t like Jared, so there was some kind of cold war going on in the office and Howard liked the play that up. Then they did a bit where they had them handcuffed together for a weekend for money or something.
Probably the greatest comedian that’s ever done the show. He’s just hilarious, and the impressions that he does are great. I mentioned my favorite is his Andrew “Dice” Clay. It is just hysterical. But he also does the Dracula impression and his Groucho Marx and Paul Lynde are fucking great. And he has this insane maniacal laughter that they play all the time. They have clips of him laughing and they just play it.
He was a psychologist or therapist who would come on the show, like if somebody was having a problem with somebody on the show or with their wife he would come on and they would try to figure it out on the air. Very entertaining.
He’s definitely one of my favorites. He was some guy who would run around New York in women’s clothes, like fishnet stockings and pumps and a full face of makeup. They found him and brought him on the show and he was just totally out there. But there was also something shady about him and he’s not on the show anymore. I think the guys at the show got scared of him after he killed some old woman with a U-haul, like he ran her over. He hasn’t been on the show since, but he was a riot. He would use really big, giant words that you'd have to look up in the dictionary. He was so proud of knowing these words and knowing that you didn’t know them.
Female body builder. She also had a really good voice for radio because she was a woman but had a really deep voice. Howard was always questioning whether she was a man or a woman. He was like “Show me that you’re a woman,” and she would always refuse.
He is or was the editor of the National Enquirer. He calls in every Thursday and does this game where he tells four gossip stories and one of them is false, according to him. Everyone in the studio has to guess which one is the false gossip story. There’s a cloud coming out from behind him because there’s one thing he’s most known for. He called in and was on this feed before they put him on the air and I guess they caught him blasting a huge fart. So, they just kept playing it over and over. They’d mix it into songs and stuff like that. It was hilarious.
He took over the Stuttering John role, but he was on the West Coast. He’d go up to celebrities at award events or press conferences and ask them really weird and insulting questions.
He’s just another regular comedian who would show up on the show. He’s funny.
He’s another member of the news team. Out of everybody on the news team he’s the one you’d most think of as a straight-laced traditional news guy, which makes it funny when he reports on people having a craptacular at their apartment because he’s doing it in a completely straight news voice.
The recent Bigfoot is some schizophrenic from Vermont. He’s also got a weird speech pattern. He seems a little slow, too. It’s funny.
I guess he’d be considered just another regular caller. Sometime he would show up on different game shows they had.
Well, it kind of says it all. He’s a retarded guy. I think he lives in Portland. He has a really funny classic retard voice that they like to use. Sal and Richard like to prank call him and play games with him.
He’s another regular caller. He would show up for different games and girl evaluations for a while. I think Howard finds there are some callers whose opinions are interesting enough that he thinks, “Well, I guess I’ll put them in the show.” I think he was one of those guys. Haven’t heard too much from him lately though.
He’s another regular comedian who'd call into the show. I guess he got his job on Law & Order because the guy who created that show was listening to Howard Stern when Belzer was on. That’s the story I heard.
He’s the program director for the show or the channels. Howard likes to bust his balls every once in a while. He’s not too interesting.
That guy is pretty funny. I guess he lives with his parents somewhere. He does really great impressions, but he’s also a musician. So, he’ll do a song with the voice impression of the artist. He’ll do a Beatles song and do an impression of Paul McCartney. When he calls in he’s basically doing a whole show with the music and the impressions and all this stuff. It’s funny.
Jackie had a cat that got ran over, so it became this running joke where people would call in and say, “Fuck Timmy the Cat.”
Another regular comedian. He actually has his own show on one of the Stern channels now.
She was another regular comedian on the show, though not my favorite. But, what are you gonna do?
She was on the show once and it was one of the greatest moments. She’s just this girl who showed up outside the studio. She came on the air and begged Howard to help her get some kind of acting career. She wanted to be famous and she really wanted Howard to help her. Then she had this emotional breakdown on the show. Even to this day they still use clips of her breaking down and crying and making all these emotional declarations.
Again, he’s another regular comedian that came on the show. But, he became more than that when Howard started interviewing his family and he saw how fucked up this guy’s life was and how incredibly angry he was. He’s probably one of the angriest comedians I’ve ever heard, which is entertaining.
He’s not on the show anymore, this was in the 90s. He was slow, not retarded, but almost there. They’d have him come in for panels. They did a great bit with Bill Maher, who at the time was doing Politically Incorrect. So Bill comes on the Howard show and does Politically Incorrect, but with the Wack Packers. So Bill's having political discussions with Slow Adam and Beetlejuice, a bunch of other retards and freaks. It was hilarious.
He used to play Sulu on the old Star Trek show. He’s got this really great deep voice. When Howard moved over to Sirius radio he brought Takei over to be the announcer for the radio show. Now he’s become a really integral part of the show. He only does a week every two months or so, but it’s pretty amazing how well he has fit into the show given that he’s a gay 70-year-old Japanese-American man. They bust his balls all the time, talk about really graphic stuff, and he just rolls with it. He’s very open about his relationship with his husband and their sexual activity. It’s fascinating and funny.
He works for Howard’s news show in some capacity, I’m not really sure what. He’s got a really high-pitched voice, and he recently came out of the closet.
She spells her name funny. She's a transsexual, and she’s really scary. I think she lives in a squat with a million cats. Most recently she did this thing with High Pitch Mike where they had a giant plasma TV that whoever did the most horrible disgusting thing would win. People called in saying like, “You can jizz on my foot. You can do this or that.” And so, High Pitch Mike said Siobhan can squat on my face for two minutes. So they were like, “OK. You can do that.” So Siobhan squatted on his face and he won a TV.
I mentioned him earlier. He was the head of the Ku Klux Klan, who became a regular. It was funny how he would include him in Hollywood Squares or Family Feud-type events. He’s definitely entertaining, because he stands by the fact that he hates Jews and blacks, but Howard is a Jew and Robin is black and it doesn’t seem to bother Daniel.
He’s a porn star. I’ve never seen any of his porno but they play them on the radio. He has this catchphrase where when he’s coming. He says, “Ahhh. Droppin’ loads!” So they play that clip all the time.
Hate Man is wearing a mask on the poster because I don’t know what he looks like, but he’s a regular caller. For a while they were playing his calls when he would call in and just berate everyone on the show. He would make racial comments about Howard being a Jew or Robin being a nigger. Or there were a lot of calls about him wanting to rape Robin, really brutal. I’m not a huge fan of his calls, but I felt like he was becoming such an important part of the show that I had to get him in there someway.
He started the Stern fan message board and then started hosting the Super Fan Roundtable on the Stern channels. That’s what he does.
She was this spacey old lady who would get nude for Howard and he’d always get grossed out by it. She was kind of nuts. She felt like Ronald Reagan stole her blueprints for the White House or something like that.
He followed the Captain Janks blueprint and started doing those phony phone calls to TV shows and other radio shows. A lot of those prank calls at that time had to do with tricking people into letting you be on live TV and then dropping the Howard Stern name. Then Howard would play it on the air.
She actually died recently. She was an elderly porn star. They thought it was funny to play elderly porn, and then they found her. She kind of became a regular on the show. They’d use her for prank calls and stuff. You know that part in The Shining where Jack Nicholson goes into the bathroom and there’s that old lady in there? She sounded like that, but she’d be talking about really sexual stuff. It was always really creepy when you’d listen to her on the phone trying to hit on somebody in that really graphic language.
He's the engineer of the show, and he’s always sort of characterized as being really depressing. He was a chain smoker, and they always made fun of him for constantly smoking and being a real downer, a real sad sack. And he fucks up a lot, so they’re always berating him for that.
He’s not really that interesting. He was just a regular caller on the show who was called Hook Nose Mike because he’d always call in and call Howard a hook-nosed Jew bastard.
He is part of the Howard news team. I guess he’s not so much of a reporter as he is the announcer for the news.
He started out with a cable access show and was another one of those people who Sal and Richard would prank. When George Takei was having his bachelor party on the Stern show they brought Jonah Falcon on because he has a 14-inch dick. So, he went on the show to show it off. He’s not a big fan of the Stern show, but he’s a fan of George Takei being on Star Trek. I guess he wanted to meet George Takei and show him his penis.
She’s a porn star who participated in a bunch of different show things, like a contest where people got to sleep with her in some capacity. If they wanted some prize to be like “a date with Tabitha Stevens,” she would participate.
He was another one of the guys that, after Jackie left, he was sort of in the rotation of comedians that they would bring back to fill in for a week or couple of weeks. I think there was a period of time when they thought that he might take over permanently for Jackie, but that didn’t happen.
He might be my least favorite character, but he was part of some major events on the show, so I felt like I should include him on the poster. He was in a boxing match with Stuttering John. He was really unpleasant and unfunny and annoying. I don’t think anybody liked him. He went to jail for tax evasion for a while, and then once he got out of jail some things came to light and there were rumors that he had filmed a porn movie in Howard’s studio. They started questioning him about it and he got really angry and I think he’s never returned to the show.
One of the all time greatest guests on the show. He was just a really fascinating guy . He was hyper clean, like he had all these crazy rituals. He wore a diaper. He’d put on hemorrhoid ointment every day. After he took a shower he wouldn’t use a towel, he would use paper towels. He also did little consumer reports on the show, but it would be for weird reasons, like “Aunt Millie’s Tomato Sauce” is the best but instead of putting the sauce on spaghetti, he would drink it.
He was the guitarist and singer in that band Mountain from the 60s, but he became friends with Howard and I guess he has written some music for the show. He kind of appeared on the show every once in a while. He and Howard had a very brief late-night talk show on Fox. He was the leader of the band when they had a band for that show.
Houston was another porn star who participated in games and stuff. Bradley King of all Proms was this kid who won a contest where you could bring Houston to your prom. She's most famous for doing some kind of huge gang-bang with like 300 guys or something. I think that’s since been topped, but at the time she was gang bang queen.
Back in the 90s they were like this deluded rock act, like super serious, and they wanted Howard to put their song on his soundtrack for the Private Parts movie. It was obvious that he had no interest in doing it but they were really adamant and really angry. They were so arrogant too, like they thought they were the greatest band ever and they were going to be huge, like “If you don’t put this on your soundtrack you’re really going to regret it.”
The name says it all again. She would just come on the show and Howard would say “Hey, look at the this,” and this woman would just take a fucking two-foot kielbasa and shove it down her throat and pull it right out again. That was her thing. That was all she was good at, and that was all she did.
Much like the queefer, he’s sort of the go-to farter whenever they need somebody to come in and do farts. Every once in a while he’ll think of some new trick to do with the farts. Sometimes they’ll have people come in who are like “Will you play our song on your show?’ and Howard will be like, “OK but you have to let this guy fart in your face.” They’ll use him for things like that. Sometimes he’ll put like baby powder on his sphincter so when he farts a big cloud of powder flies out.
Not too interesting, he’s just the cameraman for Howard TV.
He was this really funny kid who would go on the Howard Stern TV show and he would claim to be able to blow smoke out of his eyes. He would smoke a cigarette and then hold his nose and mouth and you’d see him push really hard to try to blow smoke out of his eyes. He used to do sort of Jackass-y things, like put firecrackers on his dick and stuff like that. He was just this sort of nut, but he went to jail and then he died in jail.
He’s a Wack Packer from long back. He’s another guy who has a weird speech pattern. It’s hard to really pinpoint what it is, it’s just this really bizarre way of talking. It’s almost like he talks like he has peanut butter stuck on the roof of his mouth. I guess they call him Elephant Boy because they claim that he sounds like the Elephant Man in the Elephant Man movie.
He’s a director or producer or something for Howard TV. Not too interesting.
He’s the sound effects man for the show so like any of the sound effects that Howard plays on the show, that’s all Fred.
I first saw him on the U.S. Open Sores show and he just got up on stage and lit himself on fire. He sprayed his whole body with lighter fluid and lit himself on fire. So I guess he was known for doing wacky shit like that.
He was an intern for the show and I guess he had Tourette's, but it wasn't really pronounced enough to make it amusing. I'm kind of glad he's not on the show anymore.
He was another one the people who came in a lot during the period between Jackie the Jokeman and Artie Lange. He sort of played the same role that Artie Lange would eventually play. But he did a good job. He was funny.
He won a contest in the 90s where Howard had a contest for fans to write a theme some to Robin Quivers’s news segment. He had a really thick Cuban accent so he did this almost-talking thing where he was portraying Robin’s dad who molested her when she was a child. It was done from that perspective, but it was done in a real heavy Cuban accent. He’s been on the show occasionally since then but I don’t know if he’s ever really been able to top that. They’ve used him for prank phone calls and stuff.
I think he used to be more on the show in the early days. He was really good at doing this crazy high-pitched woman’s voice. He was probably with Howard when he was on NBC but I don’t think he was able to go over when he went over to KROQ. Every once in a while he would show up.
He was the producer of the Channel 9 show. He was a real square nerdy type who looked like Marvin Hamlisch and I think they just liked to bust his balls.
Howard has a show every week on his channels where he has interns that go on this show and just talk about what’s going on. This guy’s the host of that show.
She use to be a DJ in New York. She was on the same radio station as Howard, but I think she played like punk music. She didn't really seem to like what Howard was doing but I think Howard liked that kind of conflict so he would bring her on the show and they would get into these arguments about how he portrayed women and his sense of humor.
Just another retard that called in to the show. She’s kind of funny too in that whenever Howard’s interviewing her he can ask her the craziest questions and she’ll always agree. If Howard has a guest on like Jimmy Kimmel or someone he’ll be like, “Did Jimmy Kimmel rape you?” and she’ll be like, “Yes.” She’s funny.
He started out as a frequent caller who came up with games to play on the show and he just started doing interviews. He is one of those reporters who will go out into the field, usually kind of movie-comic-nerd events, and he will interview nerds at those kinds of things.
He has a really bad stutter and Howard gave him a talk show because he’s very liberal and political so it’s funny that he has his own radio show and he’s like talking about politics and stuff even though he can barely talk at all. He has a really sad life but it’s kind of creepy too.
He is the producer on Howard TV. Recently they had that little farter guy on and he was in there holding the microphone up to the guy's asshole.
He is another guy who writes song parodies. His specialty is songs that open up Robin's news segments. He seems to write a new one every day.
He is another stutterer who calls in. He's got a really weird stutter where, when he is stuttering, it goes into this high register which sounds really funny. He's also very conservative and the other stutterer, John the Stutterer, is very liberal so they like to have those two guys argue politics.
He is the inventor of the Sybian which is this vibrating machine that you can sit on and it makes you orgasm.
He's like 80-something years old but there was this whole weird thing where they had him on but they also had this woman agree to sit on the Sybian. They thought the woman was just going it sit on it and he would run the control but he ended up doing this weird thing where he sat on the floor and was sort of embracing her and encouraging her to have orgasms. It was a bizarre moment.
He was an early intern on the show. I think he is a semi-famous stand up comedian now, but his greatest contribution to the show was when he left the intern position he had a friend with a stutter who replaced him and he ended up being Stuttering John.
He's another one of the stuttering crew. Howard likes stutterers. He was on early in the show but I think his wife didn't want him to be on the show anymore so he stopped.
