NEWSLETTER

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BY ANDY CAPPER

This is the devil saying: “I am Lucifer! I will take over the world!”

This is one of his slaves, gravely agreeing that what his master says is true.

“Nollywood is the answer to CNN,” says a star of Nollywood Babylon, a Canadian documentary about the Nigerian film industry—a veritable movie factory that churns out 25,000 films a year at a budget of less than $10,000 each. I was so intrigued by the idea of cheaply made Nigerian films that on a recent trip to Monrovia, Liberia, I picked up a bunch of Nollywood movies from a downtown DVD shack called Trans International Entertainment Business Center. It doubled as a barbecued-chicken-feet outlet.

I bought films like Deadly Consequence, Emotional Problems, and Romantic Issues and then watched them all with intense disappointment. They were little more than American soap operas set in dusty Nigerian villages. They had plots so unfollowable and audio so bad that they were impossible to watch for more than ten minutes each.

But then I started watching a film, or should I say a QUARTET of films, by Pastor Kenneth Okonkwo, who’s regarded as one of Nollywood’s most important producers. The film is called 666, and it is the most retarded-hilarious-fucked-film-to-watch-while-everybody-in-the-room-is-high-as-shit-at-4-AM thing I have seen since we covered that Turkish remake of Star Wars back in 2002.

Here the devil sends a laser beam down to one his slaves in an effort to destroy the world by using the laser beam to open up a grave for another devil, who is blue.

The slave gladly receives the laser beam.

The four episodes of 666 (each has its own DVD) follow the efforts of the devil to take over the world and how he enlists the people of Nigerian villages to do so. The devil is a large, bald Nigerian man with a beard. He has a team of female concubines who sit beside his throne in hell. He is constantly surrounded by flames and is always laughing maniacally about how much he’s going to destroy the world. “I am Lucifer! I will take over the world!” he shouts while his evil bitches laugh.

In the first scene of 666, the devil sends two assassins up to earth to kidnap a pregnant woman. They cut her belly open in a tunnel and steal the baby, whom they baptize in the service of Satan. Throughout the movie, Satan terrorizes the people of Nigeria despite the efforts of Pastor Okonkwo (yes, he also stars in the film). Okonkwo often sends lightning bolts down to hell by the power of extreme prayer.

Here, Pastor Okonkwo prays that the devil’s laser beam does not awaken the other devil.

The devil’s slave is hit by Christian lightning generated by Pastor Okonkwo’s prayers.

In part two of the quartet, the kidnapped child returns to earth and causes all manner of problems. He seduces a woman in her late 20s by flashing lasers out of his eyes; he goes on a bar crawl and possesses a woman who then kills a priest. Then, when a gang of Christians capture him and attempt to ritually stab him to death, he uses his powers to brand each of their foreheads with a lovely 666.

Weird shit happens every five minutes in these movies. The special effects (wobbly devil eyes and laser beams shooting down from heaven) are accompanied by zow! and zap! noises that sound like they’re from a late-70s arcade game. It is the most fun ever, and while hardly an answer to CNN, it must be sought out by everybody reading this and made into a cult classic. I don’t know how many of you will make it to Liberia or Nigeria to buy DVDs anytime soon, so you know what? I’ll put them up on YouTube. Search “666, Nigeria, Vice” anytime after October 1. Deal? Deal.


Watch out for more on our trip to Liberia, where we learned about this jewel of a genre and hung out with General Butt Naked, on VBS.TV.

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Comments

Anonymous, on Jan 30, 2010 wrote: hysterical.
Anonymous, on Jan 11, 2010 wrote: all u fuckin haters i don’t see anything wrong with niaja movies, it’s just entertainment ya’ll, so get with or go to hell. waffiboy
Anonymous, on Oct 4, 2009 wrote: ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN GET THIS MOVIE BESIDES A TRAILER ON YOUTUBE? Would love to use it for VJ footage. If anyone finds an available source online please drop me a message at: timothytimothytitus@gmail.com
Anonymous, on Oct 3, 2009 wrote: youtube?
Anonymous, on Oct 3, 2009 wrote: "The tortue"
Anonymous, on Oct 3, 2009 wrote: The tortue
Anonymous, on Oct 2, 2009 wrote: Where is the youtube?
Anonymous, on Oct 1, 2009 wrote: i didn’t see your post on youtube, but the trailer is on there, and a link to more nollywood movies online...
Anonymous, on Sep 30, 2009 wrote: fuckin nigerians, who told ya those guys are selling dvds? they’re freakin’ selling heroin,coke, and God freakin’ knows what,how i know? coz i live in monroeville, lib, west africa.
Anonymous, on Sep 29, 2009 wrote: "You don’t need to go to Liberia or Nigeria to find these.. If the Vice staff spent less time in Williamsburg and the LES and went pretty much anywhere else in NYC (try Harlem, Flatbush, North Staten Island) you’d know that vendors selling Nollywood DVDs are ubiquitous here. " This was written by Andy Capper. If you’d read Vice for more than a week you’d know that he is the Vice UK editor you fucking retard.
Anonymous, on Sep 28, 2009 wrote: that first picture is so great. what an awesome moment captured
Anonymous, on Sep 28, 2009 wrote: You don’t need to go to Liberia or Nigeria to find these.. If the Vice staff spent less time in Williamsburg and the LES and went pretty much anywhere else in NYC (try Harlem, Flatbush, North Staten Island) you’d know that vendors selling Nollywood DVDs are ubiquitous here.
Anonymous, on Sep 27, 2009 wrote: second the license and screen comment. i hear hype about this shit all the time and can’t think of anybody more capable of sifting through it than the deep pockets and drug thrill mentality of vice
Anonymous, on Sep 26, 2009 wrote: u can get tons of nollywood shit from dalston or peckham.
Anonymous, on Sep 22, 2009 wrote: if these dudes got their hands on jacob’s ladder they would shit an adobe brick.
Anonymous, on Sep 22, 2009 wrote: starring kimbo slice as satan.
Anonymous, on Sep 21, 2009 wrote: nightmarish but great
Anonymous, on Sep 21, 2009 wrote: way to go on a headtrip with this one
	Crys_chi, on Sep 18, 2009 wrote: I’ve been watching Nollywood films since I was a kid, it’s great to have them here in the states. They are truly insane! I love them. There’s also a wide variety in genre, not all are Christian or religious related.
Anonymous, on Sep 14, 2009 wrote: I guess I wouldnt really expect anything produced by nigerian christians would be good
Anonymous, on Sep 12, 2009 wrote: why don’t you retards just pony up the $2 to license the film and screen in on your website ?
	duck duck goose, on Sep 11, 2009 wrote: so you’re telling me god throws lightning bolts and the devil shoots lasers? i may have to reconsider things.
Anonymous, on Sep 11, 2009 wrote: this is a horrible film for drug party. it is a sure fire way to turn a good trip into a bad trip
	potato riot, on Sep 11, 2009 wrote: There are movies like this in every part of the world that isn’t Europe and America, they are really freaked-out and fun to watch.
Anonymous, on Sep 10, 2009 wrote: don t need to trek to nigeria ,shit s all over fulton
Anonymous, on Sep 10, 2009 wrote: kind of reminds me of the 9th gate only more Nigerian and less johnny depp.
Anonymous, on Sep 9, 2009 wrote: anyone ever heard of ’curse of the wicked?" same mental shit i reckon.
Anonymous, on Sep 9, 2009 wrote: they sell these in the market near my house. they are everywhere.
Anonymous, on Sep 9, 2009 wrote: how did you even find this? seriously, where would one stumble across something like this?
Anonymous, on Sep 9, 2009 wrote: the little devil children are the creepiest parts