NEWSLETTER

BY LIZ ARMSTRONG
ILLUSTRATION BY NICK GAZIN



There are the ladies who’ll use their abdominal plumbing to make $7,000 helping a couple make a baby, and there are the girls who’ll use their vaginas to make $7,000 fucking a bunch of other girls for a porno. Both are long shots in terms of realistic scenarios and equally as weird and dirty, but the former situation involves injecting foreign hormones for months while the latter just means dealing with them for a few hours. As a cash-poor person with few hang-ups when it came to sex, I went with the quick option.

Through an ad on the internet, where all great ideas are born, a gentleman said he was collecting a group of classy girls to help produce a sex video for a wealthy jet-setter he referred to then (and at all times thereafter) as “The German.” The German was going to pay each lady involved $7,000 to perform acts of love on one another in an indeterminate professional set with big lights and cameras with angles and stuff.

Shit, it was most likely a scam, but whatever. In the squeak of a chance that it was actually real, that wasn’t so bad. And besides, I had poked around in girls enough (though certainly with no prowess, nor for prolonged amounts of time) to know that I really liked doing it. So I took a photo of myself in a short turquoise polyester kimono and red lipstick, poised in a suggestive way against my lavender bedroom wall, a coy hint of labia just peeking out beneath the hemline. I emailed that as my headshot, along with a note about how I was comfortable with women and had worked in the sex industry before, so this was right up my alley.

I heard back right away. I don’t remember the guy’s name, so I am just going to call him the director. He told me how hot I was and that I was in for sure. He just had to collect a few more girls of my caliber and then he’d get back to me.

To speed the process along I decided to ask the lady I’d considered my on-off girlfriend for a couple of years, even though we both had on-off boyfriends too, if she’d like to join me in this enterprise. Why not share the probably-imaginary-but-maybe-not wealth? Though I do believe there was some degree of genuine mutual love between this girl and me, she wasn’t gay and I was still denying that I was, so not a lot got done in the fucking department. Though we’d had real sex once or twice, it didn’t last long and we were both drunk. The most intimate act we’d really ever committed was kissing while lifting up our shirts to lightly rub the fuzz on our bellies together. But so what, we could totally do a hardcore porn together with a bunch of strangers.

I told the director I had another hot girl for him. He replied that before he could tell her yes, he wanted to make sure she and I had “chemistry.” I thought that was kind of bullshit, but honestly, I was curious about that as well. So we all met up at my apartment, where she and I kissed and undressed each other like old pros. I was ecstatic to finally get to touch her while sober, even if it had to come at the expense of an audience of one bald black man dressed for a Ralph Lauren linen safari. That was the only time I ever heard her orgasm—or fake it—whichever was the case.

Afterward, the director declared that we seemed genuine and had passed the test, and that now we should go talk business over beers and french fries. The situation was beyond surreal at this point—we’d just fucked, like really fucked, for the first time in two years of knowing each other, and it was in front of a stranger—so we were like, “Sure, yeah, drinks and food with you seems perfectly natural,” as if from there on out the director was to be part of our relationship.

He got us psyched with mumbo-jumbo about contracts and exclusivity and branding our names (I decided I was going to steal as my porn moniker the birth name of this one totally uptight, stuck-up, snot-faced virgin cunt who’d been giving me a hard time, just so that any time someone googled her name they’d think she was a filthy lesbian). And then he nonchalantly tried offering us $150 each to go back to my apartment and eat us out simultaneously. We decided that wasn’t the most professional move on his part, but we politely declined and moved forward to the next phase of the film.

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Comments

	enstigator, on Oct 6, 2009 wrote: i guess that is plush carpet but it looks like you guys have ewok legs.
Anonymous, on Oct 4, 2009 wrote: You’re awesome. Great story. Sounds like something I might do.
Anonymous, on Oct 2, 2009 wrote: eat two girls out simultaneously? hes a pro
Anonymous, on Oct 2, 2009 wrote: kissing and rubbing belly hair? lesbians are weird.
	shep, on Oct 1, 2009 wrote: pre-porn burritos. should’ve just gone ahead and done a sack of white castles.
Anonymous, on Oct 1, 2009 wrote: I hope this is fiction because if it’s not you’re a sincere fucking idiot.
Anonymous, on Oct 1, 2009 wrote: pics or it didn’t happen
Anonymous, on Oct 1, 2009 wrote: he doesn’t have a very good viewing angle. i would be on the other side, whiskey in one hand, penis in the other.
Anonymous, on Oct 1, 2009 wrote: Names were changed and farts were carefully placed to protect the innocent.
Anonymous, on Oct 1, 2009 wrote: not going to disclose the name you were going to use, eh?
	Rook, on Oct 1, 2009 wrote: "I bet they would have written you a check for $10k instead, and said, ’Hey, oops! Wire us $3k, and we’ll call it even!’ And then, if you were stupid enough, you would have, and your check would have bounced a week later." Sounds like you were taken by a missionary in Nigeria that needs to wire his college son tuition money one too many times.
	noiseZ13000, on Oct 1, 2009 wrote: this dude would of kept u guys practicing for hours then the day of the shoot BAM vanished like a green ghost fart
Anonymous, on Oct 1, 2009 wrote: I bet they would have written you a check for $10k instead, and said, ’Hey, oops! Wire us $3k, and we’ll call it even!’ And then, if you were stupid enough, you would have, and your check would have bounced a week later.
Anonymous, on Sep 30, 2009 wrote: good call, burritos
Anonymous, on Sep 29, 2009 wrote: check out how intently the purple dude is watching this ghost fart lezzie action. not that i blame him.
Anonymous, on Sep 28, 2009 wrote: nick gazin art is so great. always a good laugh
Anonymous, on Sep 24, 2009 wrote: If only I could fart green ghosts.
Anonymous, on Sep 23, 2009 wrote: And she wasn’t consider the employe of the month?
Anonymous, on Sep 18, 2009 wrote: ugh... reads like a woman wrote it
Anonymous, on Sep 16, 2009 wrote: "search backroom facials in limewire!" this amazes me not because of the facials in backrooms but because i didn’t know anyone still used limewire.
	lowbrow, on Sep 16, 2009 wrote: so you’re saying you got about a grand every three minutes of munch time? i could be a fucking millionaire!
Anonymous, on Sep 16, 2009 wrote: Is that seven grand each or seven grand between you all?
Anonymous, on Sep 15, 2009 wrote: search backroom facials in limewire!
Anonymous, on Sep 15, 2009 wrote: Wow! That was fantastic. I’ve always wondered what the psychological of porn, it’s forever putting of my ...ahem... strokes. Very interesting, it’ll no doubt make it harder or softer depending on how you look at it!
Anonymous, on Sep 15, 2009 wrote: hilarious, excellently written
Anonymous, on Sep 15, 2009 wrote: If this piece is sincere, you are almost unbearably stupid, tisk.
Anonymous, on Sep 14, 2009 wrote: lesbian farts are the worst
Anonymous, on Sep 14, 2009 wrote: haha you got yelled at by a porn director!! loser.
Anonymous, on Sep 11, 2009 wrote: Yea, good thing she got out of there in the nick of time... before getting farted on and having to eat some herpes-stricken poonan.
	duck duck goose, on Sep 11, 2009 wrote: 150 to GET eaten out? hmm....
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