WHEN MEN WERE AWESOMEVisiting George Washington’s House With Joe Preston
WORDS AND ILLUSTRATIONS BY SAM MCPHEETERS
This May I finally visited Mount Vernon, plantation home of America’s first president, George Washington. Joe Preston escorted me. By this point, the burly bearded bassist (Earth, High on Fire, Melvins, Thrones) had joined me on three and a half tours. We’d intersected in various far-flung states and had all sorts of low-wattage wacky adventures that can best be described as incidents: the Wrong Basement Incident (Salt Lake City), the Reindeer Sausage Incident (Anchorage), the Quitting Bassist Incident (Berkeley).
My feelings about Virginia reflect the Cops Incident. The last time we’d both been in this state together, almost a dozen years ago, two angry policemen drew their weapons and threw me against Joe’s van. It was a simple case of mistaken identity. I was at the tail end of a five-year sentence in Richmond Mind Prison and the incident neatly summed up my feelings about the place. But I’ve since taken pains to distinguish Virginia from its capital. It’s a beautiful state, the cradle of modern democracy. Sadly, during my entire miserable half decade of residency, I never took the time to visit Mount Vernon. Today’s drive down from Philadelphia—a road trip the first president himself made countless times—would correct this mistake.
We arrived at the Mount Vernon parking lot and found a space bordered by incongruous old cobblestones. Could this have been where George Washington once parked his mule?
“Camera on belt. Check,” Joe said, glancing about the lot and taking in our immediate neighbors.
“Christian bikers. Check.”
We paid and set out from the orientation center. Our lane curved around and led us on a small path toward the main house. We passed several groups in matching solid-color t-shirts. One young man wore a we are virginia tech shirt. Joe and I approached the Bowling Green, Washington’s glorious front lawn, and stood to face the distant house itself. The bright red tiling on the roof resembled cartoon fish scales and looked brand-new, hinting at superhuman maintenance. I felt a distinct magnetic aura of paternalism that is hard to fully describe. Before me was the home of America’s father, ground zero for American fatherhood itself.
“I feel like I’m at my dad’s house,” Joe said, unprompted.
“Does your dad live on a 1750s Neoclassical Georgian-style plantation?”
“No.”
“Your dad could easily be reading this article, so choose your words carefully.”
“Yeah,” Joe said, squinting into the mid-afternoon sun. “I’ll choose those words very carefully.”
We followed the curving path past the house and headed down toward the wharf. It was a gorgeous North Virginia afternoon, marred only by the rising thermometer. A selection of ash trees, red maples, and bur oaks shaded our passage. Farther off, hundred-foot tulip poplars swished overhead and a lone, bold chinquapin oak shushed from side to side in the warm breeze. These are some of the best-cared-for trees on the planet. Some were planted by Washington’s own hands and still adhered to his 1785 landscaping renovations, reward for having been away from the house for eight long years of war. The grounds appeared as an untouched idyll protected by an invisible force field, forever shielded from the depravity and rot of the outside world.
“We’re just tiptoeing around the obvious,” I said. “This is basically the set of Zardoz.”
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| kennyp, on Aug 27, 2009 wrote:
@halzer
i think he just has a big dip in | |
| halzer, on Aug 26, 2009 wrote:
look at that square jaw on washington. wait, or is that a tumor? eeeeeesh. | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
Dude, everyone wants to recreate the Rocky scene. If the Field of Dreams was still around and you went don’t tell me you wouldn’t walk through the corn. Don’t even lie, man. | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
Joe Preston and Sam Mcpheeters are amazing, amongst the best.
| | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
is there actually a constant stream of morons running up the stairs of the philly museum of art? that would piss me off. | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
i would probably feel the need to dress up if i went to mount vernon. somehow shorts and a tshirt woudlnt cut it | |
| thedon, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
what does the JP stand for? | | |
| kennyp, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
im gonna have to try an 18th century get up | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
thats a tiny ax. | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
Hooker boots are always good for something. Here, it’s chopping down cherry tress while wearing really gay Chewbacca attire up top. | |
| megabreath, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
i didn’t know about "zardoz" before this but i can see this being like a boorman film. that dude is crazy. | |
| duck duck goose, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
george washington wasn’t left handed! | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
“Christian bikers. Check.”
always the first group i look for. | | Anonymous, on Aug 24, 2009 wrote:
whats going on in picture number 2? is that the cherry tree incident or something | | Anonymous, on Aug 21, 2009 wrote:
Brad Neely illustration? | | Anonymous, on Aug 19, 2009 wrote:
You shouldn’t put wooden dentures in water. They’ll rot. | |
| tallywacker, on Aug 18, 2009 wrote:
poor george. can’t play guitar with your teeth when they’re made of wood. | | Anonymous, on Aug 18, 2009 wrote:
I’m with you. You should dress up for visiting dignitaries’ homes. You don’t need coattails and three-cornered hats but a certain modicum of decorum should be par for the course. | | Anonymous, on Aug 18, 2009 wrote:
i realy like the first illustration. hopefully some wailing will be coming shortly. | |
| hooohaaa, on Aug 18, 2009 wrote:
my awesomeness is still riding pretty high i feel. | | Anonymous, on Aug 17, 2009 wrote:
"All that remained was a brownish puddle. " hahahah. | | Anonymous, on Aug 17, 2009 wrote:
my favorite part of this article are the little drawings. very entertaining | | Anonymous, on Aug 16, 2009 wrote:
McPheeters should really be a published author known to the general public at this point. Come on, world, step it the fuck up. | | Anonymous, on Aug 16, 2009 wrote:
I’m pretty sure that McPheeters is the only person that should ever be allowed to write for "Vice", but then I guess it wouldn’t be "Vice", it would be "Error", or at the very least, "Dear Jesus". | | Anonymous, on Aug 13, 2009 wrote:
like one of those guitars, but two guitars. | | Anonymous, on Aug 13, 2009 wrote:
ive been to mount vernon, its pretty sweet. | | Anonymous, on Aug 13, 2009 wrote:
i am a man and i am awesome | |
| Chloro-Phil, on Aug 12, 2009 wrote:
The reenactors are doing it for fun, but let’s say they weren’t. If you are getting paid to do that, is it legal to discriminate based on race? I think it should be. Having a black George Washington is only going to confuse the kids. | | Anonymous, on Aug 12, 2009 wrote:
I’ve been there and this is quite true. Once you get to Washington’s tomb it’s like, "Uh, okay. Yep. There it is." And you want to do the eye-roll and whistle but you catch yourself and you look around and everyone is feeling the same thing. It’s obvious. You show your respects but it’s strange doing that to someone you only know through history books and oil paintings. | |
| shelby, on Aug 11, 2009 wrote:
everyone that could afford slaves had slaves. it’s not like everyone south of the mason dixon had them. only the rich did. and lots of northerners had slaves too. don’t forget that. | | | Next 30 comments > |
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