IN THE MAGAZINE

VICE MAIL

Letters - Moments Like This Never Last

See, now this is just the kind of mail we want. A cute little postcard from a friendly little lady who draws a parade of hats at the bottom and tells us how funny and great we are and even tells us that we kept her in bed all day. No boat-rocking, complain-y, look-at-me, look-at-me whiny reader bullshit. Just a sweet card from a nice person who does cute stuff. Was that so hard?


BLACK HOLE FUN
Dear Vice,

[Re: “Ripping the Universe a New One,” V16N6] I’d like to give this guy a pat on the back. Everyone is too quick to dismiss failed attempts such as his and NASA’s when in reality the successful attempts are things that should be considered miracles. It was only 40-odd years ago we sent a monkey to space and now everyone thinks it’s no big deal. We have a space station! That was sci-fi shit only a little while ago!

ANONYMOUS
Via viceland.com

Another letter we can get behind. Earnest, funny, and short. Good work.


DICK DOUBT
Dear Vice,

The article you recently published about penis mushrooms ruled! Consequently, I sent it to a friend. He told me I was probably duped because there is no way penis mushrooms exist. I disagree with him. So, I’m writing to double-check the credibility of your magazine. And to prove Ian wrong.

Make me proud,

KELSEY STREET
Kelowna, Canada

We’re on a roll this month. Another not-bad letter. Dear Kelsey, dear wee credulous Kelsey, all of that article is 100 percent true. We are journalists, not professional liars. Tell Ian to suck it.


THE SWEET LIFE
Dear Vice,

[Re: “Sugarcoated Slavery,” V16N5] I work in a sugar mill in Guatemala as an engineer and I have to say that working in the fields is easily the toughest job in the process, yet workers here are given a place to stay, food, and plenty of electrolytic fluids to stay hydrated. They are so energetic that they will demand to play soccer at noon during lunchtime. The conditions are not as bad as they used to be; workers have a free medical-treatment clinic, a dental clinic, and schools built for their families. So it’s a tough job, but it’s not slavery.

ANONYMOUS
Via viceland.com

Congratulations, you give your indentured servants warm Gatorade as they meekly play soccer to please you. It’s nice to be king. Do you let them get on the internet in your air-conditioned office too? Doubt it.


GUCCIMANIA
Dear Vice,

Could you please be as obsessed with Gucci Mane as anyone with half a brain (in a bad way) is right now, please? I know you already did him way back but he’s about as far from conservative and dull as they get in this day and age… Unless you are conser-vative and dull yourself, in which case you think southern rap isn’t real hip-hop and Gucci Mane is wack, in which case you are LAME, in which case you need to catch some cases, in which case you could ask yourself, “In which case am I appearing now?” because you would have different cases and it would get confusing. Please do a WHOLE ISSUE on Gucci Mane La Flare. And this is a letter to your magazine, not a comment, even though it looks like one.

ANONYMOUS
Via viceland.com

Gucci Mane? What a random fucking rapper to love so much. What’s your favorite sitcom? According to Jim?


CRASH AND BURN
Dear Vice,

[Re: “Squat Thrusts,” V16N5] These days, packing up my girls and moving into a squat or a commune doesn’t sound like bad idea. That old rant about all of us being nothing more than so much cattle or cannon fodder to the corporate beast doesn’t sound so far-fetched. Maybe jumping off the grid and doing our own thing is the way to go. Who’ll miss us, right? Funny how simple it all seems. If we just took care of each other a bit better, stories like this would be fiction.

STANLEY HALEN
Via viceland.com

Come again?


BOLO WORMS
Dear Vice,

Are bolo ties ever going to stay in vogue more than a month at a time? I swear the window for them being seen is about as wide as one of their strings. I hated them until a couple of years ago and now I like them. It helps if you’re skinny, though. They make fat people look extra-wide-loady.

ANONYMOUS
Via viceland.com

Wait, what?


LETTER FROM A COMMIE PINKO
Dear Vice,

This past Saturday was the Fourth of July. I really hate this holiday because it celebrates all the shit America does that fucks up the rest of the world, but at the same time it’s pretty fun. One of the best days of my life was on a Fourth when my friends and I did acid, watched the fireworks, and stayed up all night just living life, as gay as that might sound. So I’m wondering, how can I celebrate the Fourth of July without celebrating all the evil shit that goes along with it? How does everyone at Vice celebrate it? Thanks. Please keep writing about the real side of American life.

IAN
Via email

The do what to who now?

Comments

Anonymous, on Sep 14, 2009 wrote: No homo, or all homo? fag.
Anonymous, on Sep 14, 2009 wrote: Uhm... Gucci Mane is awesome, and saying that he is random and comparing him to According to Jim is funny, since Vice will probably be on his dick hard (no homo) in a year or so.
Anonymous, on Sep 9, 2009 wrote: vice is still sucking dick
Anonymous, on Sep 2, 2009 wrote: @below nice observation. canada is the worst.
Anonymous, on Sep 2, 2009 wrote: Angela was cool, but then i noticed the return address was from canada which means she SUCKS.
Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote: these are not very thoughtful responses! thats okay though since they arent very thoughtful letters either
Anonymous, on Aug 27, 2009 wrote: hey ian, you just did. cheers!
Anonymous, on Aug 26, 2009 wrote: bolo ties? what the fuck is that person talking about and dont they have friends to talk to instead of babbling to vice about stupid shit
	Grant, on Aug 26, 2009 wrote: "im going to show you a penis mushroom, then make you eat it. " Yes, please! You won’t have to make me. I’ll be happy to.
Anonymous, on Aug 24, 2009 wrote: angela has nice cursive
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: im going to show you a penis mushroom, then make you eat it.
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: gatorade blue is the water of life!
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: who is gucci mane?
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: FREE MAX B
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: that dude has a good point gucci is that shit. BURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
Anonymous, on Aug 18, 2009 wrote: Nice handwriting, Angela. You remind me of days when girls passed me notes in middle school.
	duck duck goose, on Aug 18, 2009 wrote: after two minutes i still can’t figure out what the man on the canadian stamp is supposed to be doing.
Anonymous, on Aug 18, 2009 wrote: "See, now this is just the kind of mail we want. A cute little postcard from a friendly little lady who draws a parade of hats at the bottom and tells us how funny and great we are and even tells us that we kept her in bed all day. No boat-rocking, complain-y, look-at-me, look-at-me whiny reader bullshit." Awwww well maybe you wouldn’t get these negative responses if you took the time to make sure your writer wasn’t treating the facts like an elastic band and making shit up to make a story sound cool.
Anonymous, on Aug 17, 2009 wrote: Angela rocks. I want her to make me a postcard
Anonymous, on Aug 16, 2009 wrote: instead of the jibber-jabber, ian should admit that bach is delicious
Anonymous, on Aug 15, 2009 wrote: Vice, most of the fucking letters were written better than your responses. Come on, guys.
Anonymous, on Aug 14, 2009 wrote: hey now! there is nothing wrong with According to Jim.
Anonymous, on Aug 14, 2009 wrote: hahah. the editorial responses to these are silly
Anonymous, on Aug 13, 2009 wrote: Paul’s Ricicles story is DEFINITELY better than Felicia’s pitch. No contest.
Anonymous, on Aug 12, 2009 wrote: i need to start writing more postcards.
Anonymous, on Aug 12, 2009 wrote: i just had my first 4th of july in the usa and it was awesome. suck it
Anonymous, on Aug 12, 2009 wrote: The penis mushroom article did rule, but I’m still waiting on the write-up on the ever elusive clitoris cap.
Anonymous, on Aug 12, 2009 wrote: bolo ties are okay as long as they aren’t on me. i get a kick out of them but they look like ass.
	skidmarx, on Aug 11, 2009 wrote: ian. seriously. fuck you. it doesn’t celebrate what we do to fuck up the rest of the world. it celebrates that we aren’t fucking up the rest of the world under the union jack. i, for one, celebrated as any red-blooded american should, with lots of beer and meat products cooked over an open flame. good day, sir.
	thedon, on Aug 11, 2009 wrote: Dear Ian Fuck you. Love, America
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