NEWSLETTER

BY ROCCO CASTORO
PHOTOS BY ED ZIPCO
Special Thanks to the Wreck Room

Portugal

France

Japan

Jamaica

Sweden

Mexico

Belgium

USA

Germany

PEDRO Liqueur From Beira**

SOPHIE French Absinthe

MASAKI Shōchū

OMAR Jamaican Rum

MILÈNE Aquavit

ALEJANDRO Silver Tequila

MOENEN Jenever

ALYSSA Bourbon

VANESSA Hunt-master**

Last October, a nice Chinese doctor named Ting-Kai Li retired from his post as director of the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. During his tenure, Dr. Li headed up research that explored how and why drinking lots of booze is more likely to turn certain people into sweaty goobers with permanently bloodshot eyes and tawny livers. One of his most important discoveries was that some ethnicities are genetically predisposed to be prolific drunkards while others are born naturally averse to the sauce. Ask any Native American and they’ll tell you this is old news, but Dr. Li was the first to provide a thorough explanation of alcoholism in relation to genetics.

Most of Dr. Li’s work focused on alcohol dehydrogenase, the enzyme that the liver uses to metabolize the poison that makes it easier to have sex with ugly people. Certain populations (particularly the Chinese and Japanese) carry a mutated gene that makes it more difficult to process alcohol. When they drink more than they should, the side effects come on quickly: Blood rushes to the skin, the heart pumps rapidly, and the stomach starts to feel like it’s digesting a four-pack of AA batteries.

It sounds fascinating, but only the sober are interested in reading in depth about scientific discoveries. Testing Dr. Li’s findings in a controlled, real-world environment was the only way we could truly explore the progenitorial dangers of alcohol consumption and warn the global citizenry. It was also a good excuse to get a bunch of foreigners drunk and laugh at them.

The assessment required us to round up an array of different ethnicities,* send them to a bar, and make them drink. To be completely fair and to compensate for their ancestors’ limited alcohol selection, each participant was assigned a spirit from his or her homeland. We then quizzed each with questions about national culture, history, and geography as both a barometer of lucidity and an additional method of embarrassment. Answering a question incorrectly meant taking a shot, and the winner would be determined by who was still able to answer questions correctly and coherently after three hours. These are our findings.

* Russians, anyone from anywhere in the UK, and Poles were excluded because these territories have produced some of the highest-functioning drunks of all time. We cite Boris Yeltsin, Winston Churchill, and Pope John Paul II as evidence.

** The trademarked names of these spirits have been translated into English because we did not have legal permission to use them. Google our translations to decipher what their labels really say.

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Comments

Anonymous, on Nov 16, 2009 wrote: dude, theyre ALL a bunch of wussies! anyway- pretty useless contest, could’ve been much better, if done rightly without asking stupid questions they probably couldn’t have answered correctly if they had ben sober... stupid waste of time as usual
Anonymous, on Nov 2, 2009 wrote: Would have taken a gram or two with me.
	catbird, on Sep 1, 2009 wrote: that looks like fun! I wish I could have been there to represent the austrians!!!
Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote: the french girl with the absinthe was the luckiest. getting drunk on absinthe would be sweet
Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote: jager and i’d be done after three or four of them. i hope it was bordering on ice cold.
Anonymous, on Aug 26, 2009 wrote: Moenen looks like a little bastard taking that shot. I want him to lose.
	halzer, on Aug 26, 2009 wrote: masaki is a pussy. still, i wouldn’t want to drink with him. i’d want to drink with milene and alyssa.
Anonymous, on Aug 26, 2009 wrote: Masaki looks like one tough dude. I wouldnt want to drink against him
	dangerboy, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote: what kind of bourbon is alyssa drinking?
	kennyp, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote: why is everyone so pissed their country wasnt involved? how big they expect this content to be?
Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote: "Anonymous, on Aug 24, 2009 wrote: so what ethnicities are actually more prone to alcoholism. I wanna know Dr. Li’s results" Google it mongoloid
Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote: Your impetus to survive a boozy session depends on your surroundings and need for survival. 36 hours ago I was in Geronimo’s shot bar in Tokyo with a 6ft6’ Finn, 2 Turkish gangsters/businessmen , Kiwi and Aussie barstaff, Irish Guy, 2 Brasilians,2 Netherlands, and a beautiful Japanese girl. I had started drinking beer at 4pm to get over the D.T’s from the hangover from saturdays cosplay party. Knowingly missed the last train at 12 so had to drink through to get to my 11 am flight (beautiful Japanese girl) - we shot whatever is in a kamikaze, a quickfuck, slippery nipple and a dirty cowboy, at least vodka, tequila, jager, Zambuca, Baileys, Black label, Chu-Hi and receipt for a 20,000 yen round. Japanese girl was throwing up by 1 after the 3 jacks and soda and the first shot and dozing in my lap by 2. Brazilian girls were sloshed, slutty and sexually aggressive by 3 (in a bad way) The Kiwi was pouring her shots away (owner) The Turks gaped mutely at the brazilians, the netherlanders lost ability to speak English and walk to the loo. Finn was babbling but able to handle the Brasilians while me and the Irish were merely talking crap through until last orders at 6. Exchanged jovial abuse with Aussie dragged the Finn across Tokyo, packed and negotiated my 28kg of luggage through monday rush hour to the airport on public transport for a 13 hour flight whereupon I watched the Watchmen, Coraline, the international, Traitor and some crap teen Horror thriller drinking asahi and scotch. Got back to london to be immediately abused by asian busdriver and find an email from the Japanese girl asking me to fall in love. And so to bed. I dont even care about your article anymore, I just want to bask in my own awesomeness.....
Anonymous, on Aug 24, 2009 wrote: I’m glad Mexico didn’t win. Man toes. No, dude. And at a bar!
	hi fructose, on Aug 24, 2009 wrote: yeah we get it guys, you all like to drink and you all think your nationality could outdrink the rest. is that really something to brag about? and who gives a shit? sometimes i wish my tolerance was lower so i didn’t have to spend so much when i go out.
Anonymous, on Aug 24, 2009 wrote: so what ethnicities are actually more prone to alcoholism. I wanna know Dr. Li’s results
Anonymous, on Aug 24, 2009 wrote: The English Kid says..... What about us Brits? A typical Geordie lass could probably drink anyone on the planet under the table, Newcastle in fact, could probably drink more alcohol than exists in the world, before falling over.
Anonymous, on Aug 23, 2009 wrote: scumnation says ’ Right we’ve done the drinking, now can we do the shagging?’
Anonymous, on Aug 21, 2009 wrote: blah this country, blah that country. jesus. okay, next time maybe they will have all 587 countries represented. what the fuck do you think this is, the olympics? enjoy it for what it is. funny.
	tammy faye, on Aug 21, 2009 wrote: "Who gives a shit that most good drinkers are alcoholics." Um, I don’t think anyone has. The "outrage" has been over the exclusion of some countries, which I feel was legitimately explained.
Anonymous, on Aug 21, 2009 wrote: No way Canada could hang with "the States" if this was a real contest. No way.
Anonymous, on Aug 21, 2009 wrote: True, true. It seems like the only COOL country in Asia that VICE is aware of is Japan. Obviously, Korea was excluded because they CAN drink like fat kid eats candy.
Anonymous, on Aug 21, 2009 wrote: fuck the fuckin’ micks.
Anonymous, on Aug 21, 2009 wrote: OH VICE IS BEING REEEEEEALLLY COOL AGAIN and instead of even mentioning us Irish they’ve gone with ’cooler’ nationalities - like that well dressed Jamaican (jamaican drunks? who cares!) and a lovely German and American girl. Americans cant even drink. Ever! I’m with a Swedish girl and believe me, they cant drink either. absolutely useless. Czechs are top of the drinking stakes mind you. No picture of a lovle Czech girl for this article. Tut tut tut. Oh Vice, why do I even bother. Ur simply TOO COOL!!!!!!!!!!!
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: black and asian peaple usually cant drink, mexicans spanish and whites are drunks. baaaaaaaaam thats it right there on the money.
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: Swedish people are good drinkers. Southern Europeans are shit drinkers. Americans are crap drinkers. English and Irish people are good drinkers. Who gives a shit that most good drinkers are alcoholics.
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: What about the Irish? Where ever you find an Irishman, you’ll find a piss-head. Guaranteed.
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: Contrary to most people’s perceptions, I adore german women. Some may call it a fetish, I call it a healthy obsession. In fact, when I saw the picture of ’Vanessa’ downing her shot, I think I fell in love with her almost immediately. Would you be able to pass this message onto her if it isn’t too much trouble, and if she is brave enough, would she be able to message me back with an acknowledgement. My email address is hilzofkikiro@hotmail.com and I can be found on Facebook if she searches Lello Wrathman. Despite her efforts , if it came to red wine, I’d shit on her hands down. Many thanks for being a potential in-betweener
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: hahaha Canada’s pisssssssed.
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: i love that everyone takes such pride in their nation being able to get fucked up the most, is this a standing on our world view?
Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote: im with scumnation, bottle of buckfast and it would be on like donkey kong.
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