HUNG LIKE A GASTROPODThe Rigors of a Snail-Genital Illustrator
INTERVIEW BY BRIONY WRIGHT
ILLUSTRATIONS BY MARTIN PÜSCHEL
| This is the land snail’s private area. The creatures possess both male and female sex organs, which are planted pretty much right on their faces. For Martin, this is the starting point—the majority of his work focuses on the goop inside the penis. |
Martin Püschel is a German illustrator living in Australia whose cardinal contribution to fine art is a portfolio of intricately detailed snail wieners and vaginas. According to Martin, who is based out of the Australian Museum in Sydney, cameras aren’t able to capture the anatomical detail he finds in his microscope. So in the name of science he spends eight hours a day, five days a week, inking his masterworks, showing a level of enthusiasm usually reserved for the fondling of human reproductive organs.
The reason for all this obsessing, Martin says, is that detailing and identifying the intricacies of snail sex parts is the only way for the science guys to determine the differences between species. To learn more, we tracked him down in his lab at the museum, where he was quietly and patiently going about his curious business.
| Say you sliced some guy’s dick in half lengthwise. That’s this, but on a snail. Those pustule things inside the penis chamber on the far right are what identify this species as Torresitrachia crawfordi. The pustules (in other species referred to as riblets or pilasters) are thought to function as a key-lock system, helping to prevent crossbreeding—like a conscience might in humans. |
Vice: Hey Martin, how did you land a gig drawing the infinitesimal genitals of mollusks?
Martin Püschel: I’m part of a team dedicated to tracking all the different types of snails in Australia.
Wait, there are enough unidentified types of snails in Australia to require a full-time team?
Over the last little while we’ve found 120 brand-new species in Western Australia alone, and there are bound to be more out there. It’s up to the scientists to describe what we find, and a large part of this process involves my diagrams.
Do you ever illustrate the entire snail, or is it all about their sex bits?
Usually I only draw the reproductive organs—the vagina, the uterus, and other stuff. Sometimes I draw the kidneys and the heart. Snails don’t have brains, but they do have hearts.
I’ve always thought of snails as little more than the putrid trails of goo they leave in their wake.
Snails are useful because they eat the leaves that fall off the trees and their shit is a good fertilizer. They are the facility managers of Mother Nature. Doing what I do, you really come to realize just how extraordinary nature is.
But how extraordinary can snails really be?
Well, probably the most interesting feature is that their reproductive organs are right next to their heads. Most snails have both male and female organs, and when they meet each other they decide who will be the man and who will be the woman in that instance. It’s all quite complex.
One last question that’s been bothering me for a while: What are the implications of accidentally stepping on a snail in the garden? Can the shell grow back?
No. If you crush the shell it’s all over.
| Snails get boners, which retreat back into the body when not in use. To the left is a drawing of the inner workings of the species Amplirhagada montalivetensis’s erection, as identified by the thick swellings (pilasters) inside the penis chamber. The snail’s basket, if you’re wondering, is embedded in the digestive system. |
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The riblets above, from the species Xanthomelon prudhoensis, are believed to have a stimulating effect during snail sex. Most land snails perform a ritual courtship before mating, lasting anywhere between two and 12 hours. The resulting eggs will produce as many as 100 adorable baby snails! |
| | | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote:
the thing that is supposed to be a vagina isnt really anything. there isnt even an opening. how does that work | | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote:
these look kind of dirty. bottom right one definitely. | | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote:
His talent is without question. What worries me is spending it all doing something that no one could give a shit about. What if Terry Gilliam decided to make McDonald’s commercials. You can’t waste talent like this. | | Anonymous, on Aug 26, 2009 wrote:
you could call a snail a dickhead and it would totally make sense | | Anonymous, on Aug 26, 2009 wrote:
hermaphrodite snail sex. mmmmm. vbs needs to get on this maybe do a video for us | |
| thedon, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
how do they decide whose the guy and whose hte girl? do they shoot for it. | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
i wonder how got into this | | Anonymous, on Aug 25, 2009 wrote:
heehee, snail boners | | Anonymous, on Aug 24, 2009 wrote:
snail sex is so complicated. who knew?! | | Anonymous, on Aug 24, 2009 wrote:
and here i thought snails were simple creatures. silly me. | |
| hi fructose, on Aug 24, 2009 wrote:
looks like when you put a bean in water in first grade and it sprouts. | | Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote:
of course this would have to be an australian thing, not much else going on over there. | | Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote:
so they are born with both, im never telling a snail to go fuck its self because then it would and i would feel like a douche | | Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote:
why is this interesting? i dont care about snail boners, but im commenting so perhaps i do.
| | Anonymous, on Aug 18, 2009 wrote:
Does this mean that telling a snail to go fuck itself isn’t a put-down? | |
| sam i am, on Aug 18, 2009 wrote:
so is this what snails look at at the sperm bank? | | Anonymous, on Aug 17, 2009 wrote:
so is snails all he can do? no other phylum? | | Anonymous, on Aug 17, 2009 wrote:
12 hour sex! lucky snails | | Anonymous, on Aug 17, 2009 wrote:
he claims all this obsession is about "determine the differences between species"....hm. or perhaps it is a pirvy fetish? | | Anonymous, on Aug 14, 2009 wrote:
do snails even enjoy sex or is a purely biological thing? what a waste | | Anonymous, on Aug 14, 2009 wrote:
i dont think snails do the whole blow job thing
VVV | |
| halzer, on Aug 12, 2009 wrote:
if their reproductive organs are right nex to their faces does this mean they could suck their own dick? that’s what i want to know. | | Anonymous, on Aug 12, 2009 wrote:
That would be an odd job. Finding new species of snails. I can’t imagine what the daily routine must be like. | | Anonymous, on Aug 11, 2009 wrote:
so they’re all born like jamie lee curtis was? | | Anonymous, on Aug 11, 2009 wrote:
my hope is that one day people were say they were hung like a me. | | Anonymous, on Aug 11, 2009 wrote:
hehe. boners. | | |
| thedon, on Aug 11, 2009 wrote:
they have to decide whose the man and whose hte woman? that must get complicated. | | Anonymous, on Aug 10, 2009 wrote:
i don’t feel quite as bad knowing that each time they do it a hundred new little buggers are going to sprout forth. but yeah, stepping on a snail is a total bummer. | | Anonymous, on Aug 10, 2009 wrote:
snail boners, eh? what are we talking about? a few millimeters? | | | Next 30 comments > |
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