EPICLY MADE OVERI Tried to Get Marisa del Santos L’d
BY CHRIS NIERATKO
PHOTOS BY CHRIS NIERATKO (SORT OF)
Girl skateboarders aren’t hot. It’s just how it is. I wish they were but they’re not. It’s a dude’s activity and so they feel they need to act/dress the part of a dude to get accepted. The premier girl skateboarder is and always will be Elissa Steamer, and for the better part of her career she dressed, drank, and acted like a dude (not that there’s anything wrong with that…). It wasn’t until recent years that she found and embraced her inner sexy mama and really started getting dolled up. And you know what? Under her oversize dude jeans and t-shirt was a hot tamale.
Within the past two years a new girl skater has started to emerge and Elissa has taken her under her wing. Elissa’s protégé is a young gal from just outside of Chicago named Marisa del Santos.
Marisa is badass. She has to be—she rides for Zero Skateboards. If you’re unaware what that means, it means she rides for the skateboard company that jumps down the biggest stairs, grinds the gnarliest handrails, and generally gets the hairiest (in the case of Marisa that applies to both her skating and her armpits). I am a huge fan and supporter of Marisa and that says a lot because all girl skaters suck (except Elissa). They skate with what I call “puffy butt,” which is when they stick their asses way out like their jeans were full of Charmin like in those old toilet-paper commercials. You may think a woman sticking her ass way out during any activity sounds sexy. It’s not. Not sure how to explain it but it’s painful to look at.
Marisa doesn’t skate with puffy butt. Neither does Elissa. (I know, the names sort of rhyme, and yes, I have thought about them both naked together many times.) They jump down shit that most dudes would pee themselves if they even thought about ollieing.
Recently I interviewed young Marisa for my mild-mannered day job at The Skateboard Mag. I quickly learned that not only has she never gotten L’d, she’s never even kissed a boy. She had never even been on a date. (Side note: “L’d” is a new term for me. I learned it from one of our 14-year-old skaters at our Hoboken Skateshop. Back in April, Eric said he was going to the school dance and was going to get L’d. “What’s that?” I asked. I thought it was a new drug term. No, it’s short for “laid.” I knew F’d but had never heard L’d. So I bet Eric that he wouldn’t get L’d at the dance. His dad owns a burrito spot, and I bet him one burrito that he wouldn’t get L’d. I’m not sure what he was going to win if he did get L’d but it doesn’t matter because he didn’t get L’d. And four months later he still owes me a burrito. I WANT MY BURRITO, ERIC!)
It broke my heart. Recently my wife said she wasn’t really comfortable having sex during the last month of the pregnancy. I found myself in a state of confusion and disarray. I know that it takes a few months for a woman to get back to having sex after the baby, which meant I was looking at three months without having sex. I have not gone three months without getting L’d since I started getting L’d 20 years ago. I’m not certain I’ll survive this stretch.
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| gnarwhal, on Nov 9, 2009 wrote:
chris is anything but typical. asshole is dead on, though, i’ll give you that. | | Anonymous, on Nov 6, 2009 wrote:
poor you - you are. i am even more sorry for your stupid wife that will fuck such an idiot! how can people like you become kids. but hopefully your wife, just fucked a better one... | | Anonymous, on Nov 6, 2009 wrote:
chris is a typical male asshole. | | Anonymous, on Nov 6, 2009 wrote:
dude, ur an asshole. maybe yu should skate in a fucking dress. | | Anonymous, on Oct 28, 2009 wrote:
the article is funny but its so unrespectful to marisa, she’s good the way she is plus she ripss | | Anonymous, on Oct 3, 2009 wrote:
Marisa is awesome but this is some seriously tired shit. | | Anonymous, on Sep 5, 2009 wrote:
This dude looks like his (or his wife’s?) retarded uncle
that’s cool! | | Anonymous, on Sep 4, 2009 wrote:
you tried to get her epicly laid!! hahah good one | |
| dangerboy, on Sep 3, 2009 wrote:
for everybody that thinks this is misogynistic, keep in mind marissa probably dosent think so, so why the fuck do you care? | | Anonymous, on Sep 3, 2009 wrote:
OMG it’s Mrs. Doubtfire!!! | |
| komodo, on Sep 3, 2009 wrote:
chris just made marisa cooler through this. not by association. by showing that she doesn’t give a flying fuck, unlike you crybabies. | |
| tanger, on Sep 3, 2009 wrote:
ha! haven’t heard anything about jennifer grey in ages. you’re right, though! she does! | | Anonymous, on Sep 3, 2009 wrote:
"Sophisticated Marisa" looks like the chick from Better Off Dead meets Jennifer Grey in Ferris Beulers Day Off | | Anonymous, on Sep 3, 2009 wrote:
I’m sure Chris would gladly write something berating himself. Oh wait, he does it almost every column he writes. Marisa’s a big girl. She can take care of herself. You sound like the asshole whiner of the bunch. | | Anonymous, on Sep 3, 2009 wrote:
vids of marisa "ripping" please?? | |
| hi fructose, on Sep 3, 2009 wrote:
"I won’t lie. This article made me laugh, but really man it’s not cool to bash all female skaters like that. Not all of us suck or as you put it stick our asses out before doing a trick. This double standard bullshit needs to stop. These lame expectations people have for women shouldn’t fall into skating. It’s about individual in every sense. Be it skating, dressing, music, it’s all up to you. How feminine or butch some female skater is fucking trivial and a waste of time. Marisa rips and that’s all that matters. End of story."
fair enough. i think anyone that has read nieratko before will know he’s pulling everyone’s chain but for someone not familiar with his shit you could read it that way.
by the way, this doesn’t mean i want anything to change about the way he writes, thinks, laughs, or shits all over people. not that he would. | | Anonymous, on Sep 3, 2009 wrote:
SHE LOOKS AMAAAZING IN THE 2ND PHOTO!! | | Anonymous, on Sep 2, 2009 wrote:
I won’t lie. This article made me laugh, but really man it’s not cool to bash all female skaters like that. Not all of us suck or as you put it stick our asses out before doing a trick. This double standard bullshit needs to stop. These lame expectations people have for women shouldn’t fall into skating. It’s about individual in every sense. Be it skating, dressing, music, it’s all up to you. How feminine or butch some female skater is fucking trivial and a waste of time. Marisa rips and that’s all that matters. End of story. | | Anonymous, on Sep 2, 2009 wrote:
feminists are ugly. so are girl skateboarders. that is all. | | Anonymous, on Sep 2, 2009 wrote:
LAME
| | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote:
why did anyone think it was a good idea to let nieratko give someone a makeover. thats a girl’s job. a stylish girl’s job. | |
| enstigator, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote:
"it’s shit like this that turns me into a goddam feminazi, & i usually think feminazis are annoying"
they are. so are you. shut it. | | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote:
it’s shit like this that turns me into a goddam feminazi, & i usually think feminazis are annoying | | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote:
...writing this baked after watching Observe and Report will never make that okay, duude. Signed, a guy | | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote:
+and then I got to the "r.a.p.e. is more pleasurable than photographing an unwilling subject" & I wanted to dropkick his nuts into his eyesockets. | | Anonymous, on Aug 28, 2009 wrote:
Wait, isn’t Peggy Oki basically the definition of hot girl skateboarder? So from there he had me questioning his mental/dickal acumen... | | Anonymous, on Aug 27, 2009 wrote:
THIS IS ONE OF THE WORST ARTICLES I HAVE SEEN IN VICE. QUIT THE MISOGINSYSTIC TREND YOU’VE HAD FOR SO LONG AND ACTUALLY POST SOMETHING WORTH READING. THIS ARTICLE SUCKS.
| | Anonymous, on Aug 27, 2009 wrote:
seriously, i can’t wait to grow up and look good for a guy named "SKIDMARX" | | Anonymous, on Aug 27, 2009 wrote:
congrats, cn. for once you know how to dress better than someone. what happened to your fat sidekick? | |
| skidmarx, on Aug 27, 2009 wrote:
it’s because they are tomboys. most of them aren’t hot to begin with and the ones that are you don’t know about until they grow up and decide to wear girl clothes and try to look good for guys. | | | Next 30 comments > |
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