IN THE MAGAZINE

BY CONOR CREIGHTON, PHOTOS BY STEVE RYAN

It happens to a lot of men. You meet a beautiful girl, and for some reason you can’t divine, she’s attracted to you. You get to know her, take turns putting your mouths in unspeakably awkward places, establish sides of the bed. Then one day, like a dead fish to the head, it hits you—your girl has an object of affection that’s dearer to her heart than you.

Dildos, double dongs, sister’s alone-time pussy pal, void fillers, oyster shuckers, curtain rods, stocking stuffers, clam hammers, flower trowels, spleen spelunkers—they come in many forms with as many different monikers. And all are an equal menace to the self-conscious male. So we set forth one bright afternoon in early summer to visit Europe’s largest sex-toy factory and duke it out once and for all with the greatest threat to the flesh-and-blood penis since Abraham invented circumcision.

Click Here for more photos of the Fun Factory

The Fun Factory is located on a small extension of land near the Weser River in Bremen, North Germany. The building sits low on the horizon, between a car-parts warehouse and a paper mill, looking like the kind of prefab factory they build as a backdrop on big-budget movie sets. But when you get in tight and put your face up against the glass pane of the front door, you’re struck by a fantastic wall of color that’s less a den of sin than it is Romper Room.

Dildos, like cars and chocolate bars, are produced on assembly lines, and the operatives who busy themselves molding, massaging, and cleaning them are not the sweaty-palmed phallophiles you might think they are. They’re about as normal as an average German mother, albeit one who might turn a blind eye to the bondage gear littering your living room when she makes a surprise visit.

Take Sabina, for instance. She’s been working at the plant for five years. Her favorite vibrator is the Dolly Dolphin, a pocket-size trooper based on the smiley, bottlenose half of Flipper. Dolly is splash-proof and nontoxic (yay, moms!) and comes equipped with a powerful motor that makes it buck and jerk like it’s trying out to sing for a Joy Division cover band. But the production of these devices is a lesson in nonchalance. “Our job is just like we’re producing pencils,” Sabina says, her hands deep in soapy water while she scrubs the latest batch of masturbatory sidekicks. Down the aisle, the Russian girls are stoically ramming what will one day be a girl’s best bud into nondescript packaging. It’s hard—but not necessarily joyless—work making fake dicks.

The factory employs as many men as it does women. Twenty-something Benni is one of the youngest male employees. When he’s out catting around Bremen, the people he meets will assume the Fun Factory is a disco. Once he explains that it’s actually the genesis of female gratification, these new friends tend to get a little excited. But do dildo-factory credentials get a person laid? “It can start a conversation, and in order to have sex with someone, first you have to talk to them. So in some ways,” says Benni, “Yes, it does.” As the line starts backing up and he wades into a pileup of teeny black rubber members, he awkwardly admits to having a couple contraptions in his own arsenal.

Gunther is a couple decades older than Benni. He’s got the cool blue eyes of a seasoned porn videographer and wields a blade through the excess silicone of new molds like he’s gutting herring. “It’s just a job,” Gunther says. “I’m not embarrassed by what I do.” Not that we asked.

Gunther shares a workstation with Fritzy, a mousy little woman who blushes when pressed to speak English but doesn’t bat an eyelash when a shipment of love beads comes rolling down the assembly line. She’s working on a package of anal vibrators called Stubbys, which have a safety grip at the base so enthusiasts’ buttholes don’t vacuum them up into the netherworld. We’re told this happens often enough to make it a legitimate concern. “We see pictures on the internet all the time,” says Fritzy, her hands furiously stuffing motors into dark, seven-inch shafts. “Surgical operations, vibrators covered in blood… The anal muscle is very strong. People don’t realize.”

They make around 400 boyfriend replacements each day at the Fun Factory, which has been producing sex toys for the international market since 1995. In the industry they call the process “cooking”: Liquid silicone is poured into a mold, heated and cooled, and then removed and assembled.

Dirk, the CEO of Fun Factory, founded the company with his former wife. Nowadays he is single but appears to be taking bachelorhood in stride. “Most girls I meet know the company before they know me,” he says, wearing a shirt-and-jeans combo that only a European CEO could get away with. Much to our dismay, he adds, “This is actually a very nonsexual atmosphere. We don’t have the usual taboos here, but apart from that it’s a very normal workplace.”

We bring it to Dirk straight: Aren’t his products doing to men what the dishwasher did to dishwashing gloves? “Vibrators are your friend, not your enemy,” says Dirk. He has the same tone of voice that drug dealers adopt when giving ten-year-olds their first hit of smack. “When you go to a woman’s house and find a huge vibrator in her bathroom, you should remember that she brought you home because she wants to have sex with you. And if she plays with herself, she loves herself. That’s really important.”

In all, it’s about 150,000 battery-powered artificial dicks a year, and each one with the ability to hunt down G-spots like a truffle hunter’s pig. It’s no surprise that the Fun Factory lays claim to its share of direct-hit orgasms. Dirk’s secret weapon is his quality-control group: A crack team of 20 individuals—14 women and six men—between the ages of 20 and 45, who spend their days at home in pajama tops and slippers, testing Fun Factory products. At the end of a four-week test period, the group presents its results, and Dirk’s design team decides to forge ahead or consign the would-be pleasure plumber to the must-try-harder bin. Previous iterations that didn’t make the cut were a line of vibrators shaped like famous buildings and another one that took its inspiration from a crocodile.

Functionality is obviously the most important aspect of a vibrator, but personality is a close second. People develop emotional attachments to their sex toys, and the company often receives desperate letters from customers looking for discontinued lines. The idiosyncrasies, Dirk says, are also regional: The Belgians like the color orange but not red; the French enjoy soft violets but won’t touch yellow; and the North Americans, well, the North Americans don’t keep their eyes open long enough to care about color—they buy whatever’s in arm’s reach.

“The whole point of life is reproduction, and that depends on sexuality,” says Dirk as he escorts us to the door after a long day. The sun is dropping slowly over the ancient city of Bremen. “And remember,” he calls after us, “a sex toy is never a replacement for a real penis—it’s an addition.”

An addition. As we drive off, the phrase is just enough to keep us from turning around, ramming through the metal doors, and setting the whole factory ablaze. The brazen casualness of the Fun Factory is not helping our insecurity issues. They realize that they’ve won and are now patronizing us. Still, we know vibrators and dildos are not man’s natural enemy. They’re just another of your girlfriend’s annoying friends: ever present, always in the right, and a constant reminder that you’re as dispensable as the guy attached to the penis she used before yours.

See all articles by this contributor

Comments

Anonymous, on Aug 31, 2009 wrote: You need to get over your insecurities dude. My girl prefers my cock over her dildo any day. Its just for when I’m not around. They are fun to use on her and they love you more for it. They are just a dirty toy.
Anonymous, on Aug 31, 2009 wrote: Hey Skidmarx, are you retarded? Last time I checked vibrators don’t give you lung cancer. The worst they do is give insecure idiots sexual performance complexes.
	bedroommatters, on Jul 21, 2009 wrote: Toys are fun but NEVER replacement items. Only enhancement items. To fill in those moments when your lover can’t be there. Besides, who says you can’t have a whole lot of fun together with your new colorful friend. A little imagination here, people!
Anonymous, on Jul 6, 2009 wrote: i never knew the ass was so powerful a vacuum. wow. and to necessitate a safety harness. damn.
Anonymous, on Jul 6, 2009 wrote: "It’s hard work making fake dicks." I love it.
	catbird, on Jul 6, 2009 wrote: hahaha,"vibrators are your friend, not your enemy" love it
Anonymous, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote: scumnation says ’ it so the doctors can find them in the dark hole when they get lost’
	skidmarx, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote: why so colorful? joe camel is illegal but these dildos look like kids toys. isn’t that kind of a double standard?
Anonymous, on Jun 30, 2009 wrote: scumnation says ’ nah i might choke on it and that would be me fucked forever’
	komodo, on Jun 30, 2009 wrote: what about an artichoke, scumnation? would you fuck an artichoke?
Anonymous, on Jun 29, 2009 wrote: scumnation says’ i’ll fuck anything with a heart even one that’s not ticking’
	rufiomania, on Jun 29, 2009 wrote: scumnation, i applaud putting your name down but do you know how gay is looks when you post like that a million times? let me tell you, it looks gay, okay? why not get an acct so you don’t have to start every comment like that? deal?
Anonymous, on Jun 29, 2009 wrote: the first time i used a sex toy on my gf was a little strange but then i discovered it makes for less submarining on my part so i was fully behind it. it’s not that i dont like going downtown, i do, but man, it will wear you out you knwo?
Anonymous, on Jun 28, 2009 wrote: scumnation says’ that muslim woman in the first article could do with one. she has either worn her fingers away or had them cut of for non muslim activities.’
Anonymous, on Jun 27, 2009 wrote: mom?
Anonymous, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote: In order to have sex with someone, you have to talk with them first"- No shit
	anonymouse, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote: "Previous iterations that didn’t make the cut were a line of vibrators shaped like famous buildings and another one that took its inspiration from a crocodile." oh my god. dildo experts couldn’t figure out that crocodiles and buildings aren’t things girls want to shove in their cramholes? who is running these places?
	rufiomania, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote: that lady looks really happy. maybe she’s on the study group for new dong shapes and ass ticklers. rubber cock a doodle doo!!!!!
Anonymous, on Jun 25, 2009 wrote: they look like seacreatures!
Anonymous, on Jun 25, 2009 wrote: scumnation says’ i bet it makes her fanny fart.’
Anonymous, on Jun 25, 2009 wrote: If your man’s shit in bed...
	el guapo, on Jun 23, 2009 wrote: it looks like a gloworm with a candy coated shell.
Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2009 wrote: sex toy tester... best job in the world, or worst?
Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2009 wrote: Dolly Dolphin does not sound user friendly. to many bells and whistles to it...sounds dangerous
Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2009 wrote: my friend moved to new york last winter and couldnt find a job so finally just applied to work in a warehouse and it turned out to be a dildo packaging warehouse! HILARIOUS
	steve ryan, on Jun 20, 2009 wrote: This was an education. Visit the "Good Vibrations" post on my blog at wordpress for more photos and the making of video.
Anonymous, on Jun 19, 2009 wrote: fuck that. use those things on your girl while you fuck her. unless she dies of 1000 spontaneous orgasms, you’ll turn into a sex god. also, since that thing is "her friend" you can call it a threesome
Anonymous, on Jun 19, 2009 wrote: hiiiiii pppooppps
Anonymous, on Jun 19, 2009 wrote: alright. DILDOS!
Anonymous, on Jun 19, 2009 wrote: mmmm i love that this shows you a lot of things that end up in vaginas
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