SKINEMABy Chris Nieratko
WE YUM YUM CUM
Clubredlight.com
Rating: 8
I hate when people speak to their kids in baby talk. It’s annoying. Then people wonder why their kids turn out to be mental midgets with no social grace and an inability to function in the real world. It’s because when they were young the dipshit parents were saying, “Ohh, did you make a poopsy whoopsy?” or “We yum yum cum cum in our tum tum.” I want to walk over to those people, backhand them, take their babies away, and say, “You are an asshole. You do not deserve that baby.” And then I will walk away, baby under my arm, and I’ll go down to the river, down to the river we ride, and I’ll yell to the bushes, “Hey, junkies! Who wants a baby? I’ll give you $20 to take this baby.” I’ll stand there until all the eager junkies get into a single-file line and I will inspect them one by one until I find the absolute most shot-out one and I will say, “You. You will teach this baby the ways of this world.” And I’ll hand the child off to the fiend. He’ll ask where his $20 is and I’ll say, “Do you have change for a hundred? No? Then I’ll have to owe you.” I’ll turn my back and leave that child to be spoken to like an adult, to learn how to make it in this cold world without any care about a load of “poopsy whoopsy” in its dungarees. Maybe the junkie will teach the baby the difference between its inside voice and its outside voice. I don’t know. I don’t care. I don’t care if the only thing the baby learns is which is its best vein, it’ll still be better off than being raised by the type of animals that use baby talk on kids.
When my nephew was one and a half I taught him how to make a good cup of coffee. Every morning at my mother’s house I’d talk out, step by step, how much water and grounds were needed to make the type of rocket fuel I need at 6 AM. He’s 7 now and has never made me a cup of coffee but it doesn’t matter because somewhere deep in his psyche the information is stored away, and one day when he moves off and gets his own apartment he will instinctively know how to make a cup of coffee superior to that of any shit, overpriced coffee franchise. Hell, he might even start his own coffee conglomerate as a result.
As the due date of September 11 for our new baby boy approaches, I find myself not just doodling funny birthday-cake designs of storks flying into the Twin Towers but also making a list of initial introductory lessons/conversations I plan on having with this kid such as: never pay for sex twice (the second time means you’re dating), always snort your pills, there is no way to learn to play the guitar in seven days (it’s just not possible), hippies and their stupid music will always suck and be a cause for anger, you can really save a lot of money cutting coupons, don’t mix your booze, and lastly, if you want, if you work hard, you can be the White Obama. The future is wide open. And I will impart all of this to him in as normal a voice as I am speaking to you with right now.
CHRIS NIERATKO
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Aug 7, 2009 wrote:
this an insult to junkies | | Anonymous, on Jul 7, 2009 wrote:
the worst is when a stranger talks to someone elses in baby talk...that shits just perverted | | Anonymous, on Jul 7, 2009 wrote:
wat does this picture have to do with the article | |
| bum tickler, on Jul 6, 2009 wrote:
can you imagine the kinds of lines you could snort with a straw that size??? holy shit. | |
| donaghy, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote:
baby talking a girl isn’t bad as long as she’s calling you daddy at the same time. | | Anonymous, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote:
uh oh... september 11 due date?? thats definately a bad omen | | Anonymous, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote:
whats worse is when people speak to their animals in baby talk!! want to kill them! | |
| skidmarx, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote:
it probably fucks with their heads anyways. babies can hear you talking when they are in the womb so when the get out finally and you start talking to them like idiots they are probably wondering what the fuck is up. | |
| komodo, on Jun 30, 2009 wrote:
shit, did you see the video of the 8 month old russian kid operating a backhoe? kid can’t shit in the toilet properly but can operate heavy machinery. think about that for a minute. | | Anonymous, on Jun 27, 2009 wrote:
this is truth. | | Anonymous, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote:
its so true. the baby genious material that they are pumping out these days is astounding. the commercial they have out where 2 month olds are speaking sign languange and mandarin while writing novels is amazing i dont know how they figured out that babies are way smarter than us anyway. | | Anonymous, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote:
the woman taking the straw up the butt looks like my aunt nancy. | | Anonymous, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote:
I fucking hate baby talk too. If youre gonna make your child a retard by talking to him in gurgles and mumbles, leave that shit at home, dont make us listen to us. | | Anonymous, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote:
9/11 Birthday? sucks for that kid. | |
| TheDon, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote:
This sounds the best advice for raising a child I’ve ever heard. Also training your child to make your coffee in the morning is a stroke of genius | |
| rufiomania, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote:
this would have been so much awesomer if it was a giant capri sun packet squirting fruit punch all over her ass. i love you chris. | | Anonymous, on Jun 23, 2009 wrote:
skinema articles have never been really about the porns themselves. i’ve read the skinema book (*****) and it’s always been a running biography in progress. | | Anonymous, on Jun 22, 2009 wrote:
I miss way back when the skinema articles actually briefly included funny porn reviews. Now it’s just like Dear Diary, with more disappointment. | | Anonymous, on Jun 17, 2009 wrote:
mixing your booze always ends in hilarious events. either for you or others around you. | | Anonymous, on Jun 16, 2009 wrote:
Its true that information does stay in your psyche. I was surprised with what ease I do shit for my aunt. She will be layed out on the couch and use a certain tone in her voice to order me to get something and I automaticaly do it and I catch myself doing it after and then be like wait a minute get your own damn soda. Its just engrained. | | Anonymous, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote:
i like how the "CUM" is dipped in frosting on the DVD cover | | Anonymous, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote:
ok now i will look up tia tanaka on my office computer. | |
| TonyFunfetti, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote:
my child will know from womb that poop is really shit and also how to purchase a reliable self-timed coffee maker. that way it;s done when the kid wakes up to take his shit. | | Anonymous, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote:
oh god! that picture is so typical. Im sure thats an american tourist freaking out all the europeans. what else is new. | | Anonymous, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote:
its biological programmed in girls to talk stupidly to anything that they perceive as a infantile. babies, puppies, kittens, you name it. the change the pitch of their voice...they cant helo it | |
| poozer, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote:
this sounds like a great reality show. chris, you should start a production company. you’d probably have to film it in a third world country, but hey, that’s more inspiration for skinema articles. | | Anonymous, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote:
"Dungarees"? How quaint. | | Anonymous, on Jun 13, 2009 wrote:
I am going to use your philosophy on my newborn nephew. I may be a loser and his parents may be blithering idiots but that’s no reason why he needs to be. I will force him to read Kafka at a young age and teach him things that will help him score with women later in life. | | Anonymous, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote:
i love the cum droplets on the font. what will they think of next? | | Anonymous, on Jun 11, 2009 wrote:
Do they make airplane mobiles for cribs? | | | Next 30 comments > |
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