SEX SMELLSWe Doused a Nerd in Pheromones to See What Would Happen
BY SERENA PEZZATO PHOTOS BY GIORGIO DI SALVO
Earlier this month we ordered up some Phiero pheromone cologne to see what all the fuss was about. This stuff is supposed to make a man more irresistible to women than LL Cool J after bathing in a pool of Spanish fly, beaver musk, and balm of Gilead. It arrived last week, and boy does it reek. Opening the box was like lifting up a mattress that had a Japanese rentboy’s corpse underneath it. We were fairly confident its supposed magic powers were marketing fabrications, but we wanted to see what would happen if we spritzed someone with half a bottle and sent him to a few of Milan’s trashiest nightclubs. The test subject was Marco Zanoni, aka Illegal Kikko: a slightly rotund, charmingly shy young man who at last count has seen every episode of Twin Peaks seven times. It was a complete disaster.
Vice: Tell us about your wonderful night, Marco.
Marco Zanoni: Outside the first bar I spotted two girls leaning against a parked car. I was a bit nervous, so I had another drink before stepping out to approach them. Unfortunately, I’d had a lot of booze already, and on my way over I threw up. Violently. I leaned over some plants and puked my guts out. I puked so hard I broke a blood vessel in my nose, and by the time I got up I had blood running down my face. The girls must have seen me because they left. I headed in the direction of another girl, but as soon as I got to her a very menacing guy popped up and she said, “I have no time to waste.”
Ouch. Did you even get a word in?
I think I shouted something like, “Illegal Kikko controls Italy!” but I was still all bloodied up. Whatever. She wasn’t all that.
How did it go in the second club after you wiped the barf off your chin? Were the ladies more receptive to the powers of Phiero?
We ended up in a Latino place filled with guys in white shirts. I tried my new cologne out with two girls right by the entrance and one ran away, saying she didn’t want to be photographed because she was a professional dancer. The other looked like Shrek. I think the pheromones worked on her.
Oh, do tell.
Well, at first she said I was a clown because I told her about the experiment. She thought it was all “a plot to get a handjob” and that I had made everything up to get one from her. I called her an idiot—but, remember, I was pretty drunk. I explained: “There are ten people looking at me and a guy taking pictures. Do you think I’d set up a circus like this to get a handjob off of you? I don’t think so.” It seems that she liked the strong type, because she changed her attitude after that. And she made it clear that I could count on a handjob.
All right!
Now that I think about it, maybe it was the cologne. The girl was ready to go.
Did she end up touching your penis?
No. I told her no. For the sake of science.
There goes your only chance this year.
I saw another two girls I wanted to experiment with, so I had to let Shrek go.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Jul 7, 2009 wrote:
i wanna see a picture of the shrek girl | | Anonymous, on Jul 7, 2009 wrote:
glad to see the guys still smiling after he pukes till he bleeds out of his nose. what a trooper... | | Anonymous, on Jul 7, 2009 wrote:
dude. that chandelier is make from cups. sorry, off topic, but christ. only in la (or italy). | | Anonymous, on Jul 7, 2009 wrote:
Did you know a recent study showed that the smell of farts is an aphrodesiac? No shit. | |
| TheDon, on Jul 7, 2009 wrote:
its hard enough for an ugly dude to get ass without someone creepily taking a picture everytime he comes close...cant blame it all on him | |
| bum tickler, on Jul 6, 2009 wrote:
try giving them cocaine to smell. they really like that. | |
| donaghy, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote:
if you did this again and made him look filthy rich you’d get drastically different results. | | Anonymous, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote:
you’ve never had puke come out your nose? YOU’VE NEVER HAD PUKE COME OUT YOUR NOSE??? | | Anonymous, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote:
how does puking and nose blood vessels connect?? very strange | | Anonymous, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote:
pheromones aren’t real. you cant make an ugly person attractive by dousing them in perfume...you just cant | |
| skidmarx, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote:
he should have gone with sex panther. it’s made from real bits of panther. | |
| komodo, on Jun 30, 2009 wrote:
i hope this guy one day finds his laura palmer and stops wearing scents immediately. | | Anonymous, on Jun 27, 2009 wrote:
Humans lost the gene for the VMO? Not actually the case. Doctors recently found it again - and the nerve which leads to it. (That, and if that’s the case, tell me why I can tell you when/if a woman will ovulate, and if she’s pregnant just by sniffing her head). | | Anonymous, on Jun 27, 2009 wrote:
OK, so the cameras destroyed the experiment and you kept going with them for no reason. Science? Dude, do it again on your own and then get interviewed. | | Anonymous, on Jun 27, 2009 wrote:
Humans can’t detect pheromones. Recent research shows that at about the same time our primate ancestors gained color vision, they also lost the genes for so-called vomeronasal organ (VNO) receptors, the organ responsible for detecting pheromones in the animal kingdom. There is also no real evidence that humans even produce pheromones. Nobody has ever found a molecule or compound that can be definitively identified as one. This guy was doused in nothing more than B.O. | | Anonymous, on Jun 27, 2009 wrote:
Look, this short lived project proves nothing. Try it under "realistic" circumstances, then post it.....drunken dbags with no alcohol tolerance with OR without magic scent get hand jobs from overweight chicks... | |
| jnevs, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote:
This guy is hilarious he needs his own tv show. I cant believe he fell busted his nose open then threw up so hard he busted blood vessels... i wish i coulda seen that | | Anonymous, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote:
this kid could smell like beckhams grundle i still wouldnt go near him. | | Anonymous, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote:
puking to the point of breaking a bloodvessel in the nose. that is rough. id stay away from that gook | | Anonymous, on Jun 26, 2009 wrote:
If the girl looked like Shrek, it probably wasnt the pheromones. Ugly chicks want lovin too. He shouldve given it to her. | | Anonymous, on Jun 25, 2009 wrote:
if youre puking so hard you bursting blood vessels, youre probably in no shape to pick up chicks | | Anonymous, on Jun 23, 2009 wrote:
Brilliance with regards to the comment below. I move to BUMP *BBS*. | | Anonymous, on Jun 19, 2009 wrote:
scumnation says ’just be an animal with animal smells if she’s in heat she won’t give a fuck about how your smelling’ | | Anonymous, on Jun 18, 2009 wrote:
@anonymous dont you mean beef curtains.... | | Anonymous, on Jun 18, 2009 wrote:
kebabs stand for so much more in europe, get past the meat flaps and it is all plain sailing...... | | Anonymous, on Jun 18, 2009 wrote:
haha youve got to love this guy, its hilarious, he knew this was going to be a farce so did what everyone should do and got completely blazeboats and made a dick of himself. nothing but love for him.. | | Anonymous, on Jun 16, 2009 wrote:
his nose looks like cocaine abuse | | |
| skidmarx, on Jun 16, 2009 wrote:
getting himself in vice will do more for his sexlife than any cologne ever will. | | Anonymous, on Jun 16, 2009 wrote:
gay | |
| lazy eyez killa, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote:
let’s get real. he isn’t don juan and he’s super into twin peaks (that’s cool, i love the peaks myself, but hang in there with me). he could douse his dick in potpourri made of angel farts and still not get the kind of girls he’s going after here. let him get sweaty at a comic convention and he’s getting so much poon his dick will need a week break. | | | Next 30 comments > |
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