NEWSLETTER

BY SERENA PEZZATO    PHOTOS BY GIORGIO DI SALVO



Earlier this month we ordered up some Phiero pheromone cologne to see what all the fuss was about. This stuff is supposed to make a man more irresistible to women than LL Cool J after bathing in a pool of Spanish fly, beaver musk, and balm of Gilead. It arrived last week, and boy does it reek. Opening the box was like lifting up a mattress that had a Japanese rentboy’s corpse underneath it. We were fairly confident its supposed magic powers were marketing fabrications, but we wanted to see what would happen if we spritzed someone with half a bottle and sent him to a few of Milan’s trashiest nightclubs. The test subject was Marco Zanoni, aka Illegal Kikko: a slightly rotund, charmingly shy young man who at last count has seen every episode of Twin Peaks seven times. It was a complete disaster.

Vice: Tell us about your wonderful night, Marco.

Marco Zanoni: Outside the first bar I spotted two girls leaning against a parked car. I was a bit nervous, so I had another drink before stepping out to approach them. Unfortunately, I’d had a lot of booze already, and on my way over I threw up. Violently. I leaned over some plants and puked my guts out. I puked so hard I broke a blood vessel in my nose, and by the time I got up I had blood running down my face. The girls must have seen me because they left. I headed in the direction of another girl, but as soon as I got to her a very menacing guy popped up and she said, “I have no time to waste.”

Ouch. Did you even get a word in?

I think I shouted something like, “Illegal Kikko controls Italy!” but I was still all bloodied up. Whatever. She wasn’t all that. 

How did it go in the second club after you wiped the barf off your chin? Were the ladies more receptive to the powers of Phiero?

We ended up in a Latino place filled with guys in white shirts. I tried my new cologne out with two girls right by the entrance and one ran away, saying she didn’t want to be photographed because she was a professional dancer. The other looked like Shrek. I think the pheromones worked on her.

Oh, do tell.

Well, at first she said I was a clown because I told her about the experiment. She thought it was all “a plot to get a handjob” and that I had made everything up to get one from her. I called her an idiot—but, remember, I was pretty drunk. I explained: “There are ten people looking at me and a guy taking pictures. Do you think I’d set up a circus like this to get a handjob off of you? I don’t think so.” It seems that she liked the strong type, because she changed her attitude after that. And she made it clear that I could count on a handjob.

All right!

Now that I think about it, maybe it was the cologne. The girl was ready to go.

Did she end up touching your penis?

No. I told her no. For the sake of science. 

There goes your only chance this year.

I saw another two girls I wanted to experiment with, so I had to let Shrek go.

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Comments

Anonymous, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote: it depends, b.o smells like shit but sometimes my boyfriend smells really good after he works out. its not a b.o smell, its just musky and i like ittt
Anonymous, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote: pheromones are totally real and the weirdest things smell good. apparently b.o is a pheromone.
Anonymous, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote: lmfao. i had no idea you could bust the blood vessels in your nose from puking. i need to tell me friend dave. once he learns of this he will definitely believe he needs to party righteously harder.
	TonyFunfetti, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote: whoah he mustve coughted up some spicy sort of gabagole or maybe galamad for his noseto bleed like that. perhaps this scent has different effects when afterwards doused in douche puke.
Anonymous, on Jun 13, 2009 wrote: LOLISSIMO
Anonymous, on Jun 13, 2009 wrote: Too awesome. Pheromones are the new black.
Anonymous, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote: walked all the way back to new york with his tale between is legs.
	zerotransfat, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote: yikes, talk about a shitty start to an even shittier night
	greeksalot, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote: C’mon, seriously? Youre expecting to get pussy when youve got a guy following you around with a camera and youre puking in front of every group of girls you come across? Jesus.
Anonymous, on Jun 11, 2009 wrote: Any guy who uses terms like "saucy accessories" is looking for dick anyway. How did the stuff work on guys?
Anonymous, on Jun 11, 2009 wrote: boring.
Anonymous, on Jun 11, 2009 wrote: this is great.
Anonymous, on Jun 11, 2009 wrote: LMAO!
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: you should of walked in shirtless, extra exposure, extra success imo
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: i think you can learn a lot from this study, 1: you can pop blood vessels in your nose through vomiting. 2:girls generally dont dig on the guy who has just thrown up. 3: Kikko rules Italy.
	joe bananas, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: he told her no for the sake of science. somehow i just dont believe it. I also like the technique of trying to pick up girls in the kebab house. a European classic.
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: puke so hard your popped a blood vessel in your nose?? that sounds like an injury on nerds experience
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: ILLEGAL KIKKO CONTROLS ITALY!
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: i hope that they did invent this stuff to humiliate him. never before has an article been summed up so perfectly as "it was a disaster." awesome.
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: he puked so hard he ruptured a blood vessel in his nose?!?! what the hell that is some serious vomming, why couldnt you have got that on tape i would on the floor pissing my self.
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: LAWL
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