IN THE MAGAZINE

FEUDAL DELUSIONS

Missile-Making Samurai Hideyoshi Hashiba is Ready for War

INTERVIEW BY LI KOUJI, TRANSLATED BY LENA OISHI, PHOTOS COURTESY OF HIDEYOSHI HASHIBA



This past spring North Korea test-fired yet another Taepodong missile over Japan. It was the third such launch in just over a decade. The Taepodong is the Thor’s hammer of three-stage ballistic death devices, and the Japanese citizenry is rightly afraid of getting pounded. At the top of the list of freaked-out Nipponese is a man named Hideyoshi Hashiba who’s so spooked he’s fabricated his own tank and a private battery of missiles to defend his great nation.

If the name Hideyoshi Hashiba sounds familiar that’s because a) it was the moniker adopted by 16th-century peasant Hideyoshi Toyotomi on his way to becoming one of the most powerful rulers in the country’s history and b) you are a Japanophile nerd. As the presumptive second coming of this legend, Hideyoshi has accordingly erected himself a proper samurai castle in the Odagawa Domain, a state of his own making. He also runs a fancy lodge, which is a kitschy replica of the Japanese parliament building complete with its own hot spring. But that’s just a side gig to his primary endeavor: building weapons with which to blow the North Koreans to smithereens. What Hideyoshi’s arsenal may lack in actual destructive power is more than made up for in symbolic heft. It’s just that no one’s really sure what, besides insanity, is behind the symbolism. So we asked him.

Vice: When did you first surmise that you and the original Hideyoshi Hashiba were one and the same?

Hideyoshi Hashiba: When I was 22 or 23. It was all very sudden. The chief priest of a temple told me, “You are the reincarnation of Hideyoshi Toyotomi.”

That seems pretty cut-and-dried.

Back then I didn’t really think anything of it. However, when I was 28 I was arrested for a corruption scam related to an election and spent some days in a police cell. During that time, a friend of mine brought me a book about the real Hideyoshi Hashiba called Seishun Taikouki [Tales of the Young Hideyoshi]. As I began reading, I realized that he and I led similar lives. That triggered my fascination, and I started to harbor desires to grow powerful and unify the nation like he did.

Did people flip out when you took his name?

Oh, they thought I was completely mad. But now that I’ve established myself as the resident crazy man, the town and I have an unspoken understanding.

Didn’t you run for mayor and appear publicly in full samurai gear? Why would you do a thing like that?

The late Hideyoshi Hashiba was a civil-war commander, right? I wear armor in adherence to his practices, to show that I am more than ready for battle.

What about your mini-state, the Odagawa Domain? What kind of man builds his own fake county?

When I first bought land in Aoyama prefecture, there weren’t any paved roads. It was a beautiful place, though, and leaving it in that state was such a waste. I decided to make some roads, develop the mountainous areas, and build my own house. I also moved my parents here, but they were extremely lonely.

Did they leave?

I thought about it and realized that if this became a tourist area they’d be surrounded by people all day and wouldn’t be lonely anymore. So I decided that the best thing to do was to dig for a hot spring.

Uh, don’t you live in the mountains?

Everybody told me I was a fool for thinking there’d be any hot springs in such a mountainous area, but I proved them wrong. At 4,300 feet aboveground we managed to dig up 75 tons of hot water and ran a hot-spring bathhouse here for a while. Soon I began to think I needed a bigger attraction to gain visitors, so I renovated my own house into a castle, built a replica of the house of parliament, and made it a hotel.

Was the construction of giant homemade missiles part of the refurbishment?

Somewhere along the way we started talking about the North Korean Taepodong missile issue. I have no faith in the current Japanese government, and as head of the Odagawa Domain I thought it best to start taking matters of national defense into my own hands.

Did you design the missiles yourself?

Yes, we produced the missiles at our factory in the Odagawa Domain. It took about a year and cost around 35 million yen [just over $350,000].

What kind of missiles do you have?

Right now I have 12 Patriot missiles that don’t fly, one nuclear warhead called an Interplanetary Ballistic Missile, and the Super Fighter Hashiba 7. That one actually works if you load it with liquid oxygen and alcohol.

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Comments

Anonymous, on Jun 18, 2009 wrote: This guy is definately not a quitter. I like that.
Anonymous, on Jun 17, 2009 wrote: how long before there is a news report that an unexpected missile has been launched from somewhere in japan. world war 3 will be this guys fault
Anonymous, on Jun 17, 2009 wrote: fake or not who cares, look at this guy its awesome and the thought that a obviously unhinged gentleman can get his grubby mitts on some sketchy missiles makes me think that the free world is working well.
Anonymous, on Jun 17, 2009 wrote: fake? yeah i’m sure they built him a missile silo for the photo shoot.
Anonymous, on Jun 17, 2009 wrote: This guy rocks I love the picture! I wish we had more successful nuts like this in australia.. a great story! Im going to try and visit this place one day.
Anonymous, on Jun 17, 2009 wrote: you’re all idiots, especially vice for making this $hit up
	skidmarx, on Jun 16, 2009 wrote: he needs some of the bullets for his gun like in roger rabbit when it opens up and a tiny guy with a hatchet hits the target but his would be equipped with nunchunks.
Anonymous, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote: i love the clash between the really old, traditional setting/ clothes with the new, hightech weapons.
Anonymous, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote: he looks like a DO posterchild.
Anonymous, on Jun 15, 2009 wrote: crazy is one thing. crazy with missiles that don’t function correctly is something else. this is the kind of shit all crazies should aspire to.
Anonymous, on Jun 13, 2009 wrote: it’s more like he knows how tourists will react to that kinda eccentric guy. so he made a plan and began on gathering the profits. plus most of his customers can be from china. if i was a chinese, i would have spent some dough to stay at his place and jerk me off with my nationalistic ego
	hi fructose, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote: missiles are always in the hands of people not sane enough to use them responsibly. his don’t even work!
Anonymous, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote: if this was my grandpa i’d take him to show and tell every week.
	greeksalot, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote: He’s read books on missiles?? Oh shit, Kim Jong Il is fuuuuuuucked
	greeksalot, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote: Interplanetary Missiles? Who the fuck is this guy trying to keep out? Martians?
Anonymous, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote: "But now that I’ve established myself as the resident crazy man, the town and I have an unspoken understanding." Is there a time when the Japanese DONT have quiet respect for something? Oh, right, foreigners.
Anonymous, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote: The pictures alone made this a good read. Does that make sense? I don’t care.
	Aemon, on Jun 11, 2009 wrote: he seems like an old japanese militarist who’s shrooming particularly hard.
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: I love the pictures that go along with this article, look at the guy he is obviously not all there. complete awesomeness.
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: how did the resident crazy man have $350000 to spend on missile development?
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: Quite amusing, yet, all his ideas and ideology sounds very much of that good ol’ militarism.
	poozer, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: twelve missiles that don’t fly. so that makes them bombs. i don’t get it. even if the north korea missile landed on his missiles it would defeat the purpose since everything would blow up in his backyard. this guy is nutty.
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: So if a missile flies at the perfect angle and at the perfect altitude he can take it down if his aim isn’t more than two inches off. Haha...
	The Max, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: Oh my god. This man is hilarious. Somebody could make a documentary on him and it would be a comedy without trying. 12 Patriot missiles that don’t fly. An Interplanetary (!!) Ballistic Missile.
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: fuck this is like the funniest shit ever that dude rocks
Anonymous, on Jun 10, 2009 wrote: "Right now I have 12 Patriot missiles that don’t fly" hahhahahhahaha shit that’s what i needed
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