IN THE MAGAZINE

DISNEYLAND AFTER DARK

By Sam McPheeters

(Page 2 of 2)


N - Narcs
Yet another mystery. Antonio has heard that, at any given moment, one out of every 15 guests in Disneyland is plainclothes security. What seems plausible in daytime (I have noticed a lot of suspiciously muscular lone males on the Indiana Jones ride) looks impossible on Grad Nite. There aren’t enough youthful cops in this world to pull off a 21 Jump Street infiltration on this scale. Stopping at the Plaza Inn at 1:30, one of the chaperones tells us she’s heard that every roaming janitor is undercover 5-0. Maybe, but I don’t see that many janitors either.

O - Orifice
At 2:06, we find ourselves snared in a queue at Splash Mountain. “This is how I feel right now,” Antonio says, pointing to a sort of H.R. Gigerish hole in the plaster wall. I nod solemnly. Four more hours to go.

P - Plaza Inn
My little group cashes in our meal ticket for a high-carb prison breakfast. In just a few short hours, the Plaza Inn has turned into a giant teacher’s lounge. Chaperones have commandeered every table, reading or doing crosswords. What kind of a mixed-up scrooge brings a crossword-puzzle book to Disneyland?

Q - Quarreling
No one has seen a single happy teen couple, only lots of early-stage breakups, angry handholding, and assertive, irritated young women actively ignoring their downcast men. Maybe it’s the tension release of graduation. Or perhaps the young women of 2009 suddenly realized that 18-year-old men don’t have much to offer a relationship besides unmanageable libidos and grunts.

R - Reality
Reality begins to resemble a badly scripted, brightly lit Sci Fi Channel original movie. I come to understand that my reward for standing in line for Pirates of the Caribbean should be a cot in a dark room and not screaming robot pirates.

S - Skunk Weed
I sniff the air loudly in Frontierland. “Is that...” I start to ask before my comrades pull me along, lest we have to intervene on the side of authority.

T - Twilight
The Plaza Inn has itself graduated. What was, at 2:30, a teacher’s lounge is, by 5, a bus-station lobby. Teachers sprawl across tables or slumber huddled in the corners. The sky ominously brightens and the crowd resembles refugees fleeing a calamity. Spooked, I grab a free coffee and myself flee.

U - Unreality
The thudding bass from the KIIS party sounds more and more like a torn speaker cone. No one looks good at this hour. I realize; it is J o’clock in the morning and all of us have to be up at queef.

V - Victory Lap
One final loop around the park at 5:30. The benches have filled with sleeping bodies and the murmurs of fresh hook-ups, the aftermath of one giant sexy teenage skunk-weed party.

W - Withdrawal
Ejected from paradise at 6 AM, the entire parkload of humanity trudges back on the tram road. This time around I can understand Disney’s reluctance to offer us tram rides (RE: vomitus).

X - X It (wrong)
The bus ride is silent until Antonio comes to and asks, “Where are we going?” Turns out the driver, being human, needs sleep just like the rest of us. We’ve been heading the wrong way on a highway that would’ve eventually led us to San Bernardino in time for an early lunch. “I must’ve missed the exit,” she mutters to herself over and over, like a mantra. It’s only one hour added to our journey, and I think we all learned a valuable lesson (RE: airhorns).

Y - Yawning
I don’t think it’s rude when people yawn in public. It is a tad inconsiderate when the driver of my bus can’t seem to keep her mouth from gaping wide as the bus weaves into and out of its lane.

Z - Zzzzzzz
I’m back in my car by 7. It’s another hour home. Then I am piloting my own body into bed, slipping under the covers with a final, scary realization: I’m so tired now, do I have any guarantee that I’m not still at Disneyland, dozing in a bush, dreaming that I made it out safe and sound?

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Comments

Anonymous, on Sep 16, 2009 wrote: who the fuck pops adderall for fun. does deep concentration and constant pissing trip you out...
Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2009 wrote: "Anonymous, on Jul 7, 2009 wrote: Hey dickweed below me, did you read this at all? It was his "teacher friend" that works at the school and he asked permission to write about it. What the fuck is wrong with you?" Yeah dickweed
Anonymous, on Jul 7, 2009 wrote: Why I didn’t get the singer from my favorite band when I was that age is beyond me. I miss everything cool. >:0
Anonymous, on Jul 7, 2009 wrote: Hey dickweed below me, did you read this at all? It was his "teacher friend" that works at the school and he asked permission to write about it. What the fuck is wrong with you?
Anonymous, on Jul 6, 2009 wrote: If you hate your job, Sam McPheeters, I suggest you find a new job. Which you’ll be forced to after your principal reads this article. Do you really think you’re the only one in your school who reads VICE? the second you piss of one of your students he’ll mail this article to your principal.. the net is not anonymous.
Anonymous, on Jul 4, 2009 wrote: good article but nice copout on the x lol
Anonymous, on Jul 3, 2009 wrote: scumnation says ’ are that gang of midgets still gang banging Snow White.’
	donaghy, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: the first time i rode haunted mansion i was blown away that the ghost was riding next to me. that was hightech shit back in the day.
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: Aahhhh memories. I grew up about thee blocks away from there and it was my hangout all through my childhood.. In high school we’d take acid there all kinds. So fun
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: scumnation says ’ did anyone shag mini mouse?’
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: such a good place for drugs. as long as you keep your shit together the employees dont seem to mind, if not encourage it if they notice your pieplate pupils, theyll shoot you a quick lazer/photon signal as if to say, i know what your up to, and i like it.
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: It does not take an hour to get to Anaheim from either Compton or Long Beach unless your bus rider is a retard, which sounds possible. There is no mention of anyone getting off the rides while they are going. When I was a teenager, we were really into that - Haunted Mansion being the best one, and the only reason to ride Small World is to get off the boat and hang with the kids for a bit. This was all before 9/11 though.
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: Disney is weird but you got to hand it to them. They do know how to shoot fireworks and have parades.
	halzer, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: i liked epcot when i went. does that make me a dork? spaceship earth is a spaceship! in a pointy sphere!
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: We don’t call it "Grab Nite" for nothing - working Disneyland Grad Nites is simultaneously disgusting and hilarious.
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: bezitted, hahahahahah!
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: McPheetsers is agood writier.
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: this whole experience sounds terrible for everybody, kids included.
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: my class went to six flags for senior day. walking around stoned with tons of high schools kids at an amusement park is strange enough during the day, let alone at night.
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: this seems like a miserable experience not to do on mind altering drugs
	jnevs, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: HAHAHA what did you expect chaperoning a bunch of 17 and 18 year old kids on grad night. your lucky it didnt turn into a ruckus drunken brawl. sex drugs drinking and especially vomiting should all be expected....
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: Theme parks are havens for lewd activity. A bunch of hormone driven teens would jizz all over the place.
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: Dude you are the worst chaperone
	komodo, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: i went to disneyworld once but once i rode it’s a small world i told my parents to never bring me back. i heard they recently tore down the dumbo ride. what the fuck? that was the best thing!
Anonymous, on Jul 2, 2009 wrote: Oh.. I thought this was about the hippy alternative band DaDa. Fuck off.
Anonymous, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote: more than a little depressing on more than one level.
Anonymous, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote: that was fucking horrible. oh my god.
Anonymous, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote: This is the finest piece of journalism I have ever read, please read my blog, trashmansreader.blogspot.com/
Anonymous, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote: Disneyland jail is underground and there’s a picture of a sad Mickey in a striped prison uniform. A few of my classmates were taken there during my grad night waaaaay back in 2001.
Anonymous, on Jul 1, 2009 wrote: i remember doing this. our bus driver got lost heading to the park, my friends got dumped by girl he had been dating for 2 years while in the line for pirates of the caribbean and i ate a pot brownie and watched the fireworks with a girl and her friends i had just met. pretty good time for 17.
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