NEWSLETTER

TEXT BY SANTIAGO FERNANDEZ-STELLEY PHOTO BY THIAGO DA COSTA

Oscar Niemeyer, left, with the author in his trunks of shame.

After a week on assignment at Vice’s spanking new São Paulo office, I headed to Rio de Janeiro with the VBS crew for a day with Brazil’s most famous ass, Watermelon Woman. Pleased with how things had gone thus far, we decided to follow up with a night on the town. It went well enough but by 3 AM, plenty drunk, I left the others at the bar and headed back to the hotel to get some rest.

As I walked the 100 yards to our hotel on Copacabana beach, I was besieged by a swarm of prepubescent kids asking for money and cigarettes. Like every city I’ve visited in Latin America, Rio is teeming with these types—aptly referred to in Rio as piranhitas (baby piranhas)—so it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary and I certainly wasn’t concerned for my safety. Actually, I didn’t have any money on me anyway, which I communicated by pulling my pockets inside out and doling out smokes.

Eventually the brats left, replaced by a slightly older criminal who wondered if I needed my shoes shined. I waved him off and continued on my way, but he kept pointing at my feet and insisting I make use of his services. I finally stopped to explain that I was wearing sneakers and that sneakers don’t take well to polishing. Which is when I realized: My right leg is covered in liquid human shit, which is dripping from the top of my knee down to the sole of my unshined shoe. The little monsters had set me up for an elaborate, diabolical, and disgusting shoeshine scam.

I told the guy to fuck off and turned to leave. As soon as I did, he pulled a gun from his shine kit and stuck it against the back of my head. At least my pants had already been shit for me. That was convenient.

So I went with the empty-pocket spiel again. I noticed that two of the urchins from before had returned and were trying to rip a shitty gold ring from my finger. It was a souvenir from my visit to the border of Kazakhstan and China, and its only value was sentimental, so I took it off and handed it over. The team skipped off happy and victorious.

A few shit-soaked steps later I was at the hotel. I tracked human pudding all over the carpet, headed up to my room, and spent three hours trying to clean Brazilian street-kid crap off my pants and sneaker. I was scheduled to interview legendary architect Oscar Niemeyer the next day at 9 AM, and my poo-stained jeans were the only decent clothes I’d brought with me from São Paulo. I can live with stains. But there was no masking—or bearing—the stench. I was forced to interview the 101-year-old Mr. Niemeyer in my bathing suit like a total dick, as you can see above. The urchins had taken not only my cheap souvenir ring, but also my dignity.

Thanks a lot, Brazil!

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Comments

Anonymous, on Sep 6, 2009 wrote: I’m surprised they didn’t shoot you for having no money.
Anonymous, on Jul 13, 2009 wrote: I hate kids.
Anonymous, on Jun 24, 2009 wrote: There is onluy one way to be happy here in Brazil! STOP to be serius!
Anonymous, on Jun 6, 2009 wrote: kids are right why didn’t you wait with the group to leave the club? pussy cant hang past 3?? brazil is an awesome place but unfortunately its not the disneyland you guys got goin here.
Anonymous, on Jun 4, 2009 wrote: SHESH! Not good for fresh!
Anonymous, on May 29, 2009 wrote: He’s 101 but he still works everyday and is sharper than an X-acto knife. Didn’t your mother teach you to respect your elders and not show up to their homes wearing stranger’s excrement?
Anonymous, on May 23, 2009 wrote: The fact that the Stalinist architect is 101 years old made you feel more self-conscious about the shit stench than if he was 61 or 31? How come?
Anonymous, on May 21, 2009 wrote: Not really. Getting shit on is getting shit on.
Anonymous, on May 21, 2009 wrote: Check out that shit the intern did for the blank issue contest. That nigga started a riot. You got off maad easy.
Anonymous, on May 20, 2009 wrote: Consider yourself fortunate . . . no nevermind.
Anonymous, on May 20, 2009 wrote: You kinda deserved it for being that stupid. 1- When you’re in a foreign country try your best to know how locals live and act like one. Have you seen any wasted brazilian walking alone on your way to the hotel? Bet not. Calling a taxi was probably a good idea. 2- always have a backup plan. 1 pair of jeans? cmon... since you made that mistake, then buy yourself another one, for god sake. you could get some nice pants for 60 bucks. Besides, you got drunk, covered in liquid shit and was forced to interview one of the world’s most respected architects in ridiculous shorts. Give the kids some credit, that’s gotta be the greatest practical joke ever.
Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote: always trying our best!! hope you liked. greetings from Rio, you dick! p.s. - thought about a new pair of jeans, Einstein?
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: yeah oscar’s dick must be at least 12 inch
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: couldnt you have bought some pants in the morning or something?! come on, be a problem solver!
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: i wonder why they even bothered with the whole shit part of it. they could have just pulled out the gun to begin with and it would have been easy
	boggle_brains , on May 18, 2009 wrote: how were the kids able to pour shit on you without you even noticing??
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: Oscar Niemeyer has a big dick.
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: I like that the top of half of the outfit looks professional enough but then you just gaze down, and everything goes to shit (because of some shit).
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: liquid human shit is the worst kind of shit to have on you. the stuff gets all up in the fibers and soaks into the thread.
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: that’s why they tell people to dress shitty in brazil
	superfunk, on May 18, 2009 wrote: Excellent story. Shit happens in shitholes like Brazil.
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: Sounds like this story was built on top of an outdated guide book travelers warning. The police shot all of those street urchins in the 90s.
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: yo cool that you brought only one pair of jeans dude respect
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: thats a fcking good story. sounds like you have actually got the right man for the job here. kudose