THESE ASSHOLES WON'T SHUT UPTwenty-Four Hours of Legislative Assembly Television
WORDS AND PHOTOS BY VANESSA BARBARA, TRANSLATED BY PETER AZEN
In February 2008, Senator Mário Couto of the Brazilian Social Democratic Party came down from the podium and threw himself toward his rival, Gilvam Borges of the Brazilian Democratic Movement Party. Borges retaliated by pushing him. Before being separated, they vigorously insulted each other: “Your Honor, you are a charlatan!” Couto shouted. “You bum,” replied Borges. On another occasion, Angela Guadagnin of São Paulo’s Workers’ Party carried out, in the middle of the Legislative Assembly, a cheerful jig to celebrate the absolution of corruption charges against a friend. Between the chairs of the plenary congregation, she shook her ass vigorously in the high Brazilian tradition as cameras immortalized the event on public television.
Stuff like this happens with such frequency that I decided to spend a weekend watching a broadcast of the Legislative Assembly Television of the State of São Paulo for 24 hours straight. I kept a diary of the proceedings so that the rest of the world can understand what local politics are like in Brazil. To prepare I took a nice shower, put on my best PJs, and planted myself on the sofa. I switched the television to channel 7 and caught a representative in midspeech: “Within the medium intelligence that God gave me…” Soon the first debate of the night started, and two citizens with shiny shoes explained the trifling details of the agro-economic situation in the city of Jundiaí. Later, defending himself against the popular protests against the installation of a prison in the city, a deputy declared, “This is already surpassed, from the point of view that it is already installed.” It was going to be a very long night.
9:03 PM Within the cozy confines of basement S-46 of the Legislative Assembly, deputy Aldo Demarchi speaks to the television audience, stating that he’s learned a lot “in respect to the respect of citizens’ rights.”
9:16 PM The deputy has just made his third utterance of the elegant phrase “where at” in his proceedings.
9:19 PM “São Paulo is a pearl,” says the deputy, while shaking his golden wristwatch. The host interrupts with a question about the intensive planting of grains in the countryside.
9:25 PM At this point, the debate transitions from factory farming to the person who originally introduced Australia’s eucalyptus seed into Brazil.
9:29 PM Important note: It seems the deputy has a crooked pinkie finger.
9:32 PM A tiring documentary about the Tietê River begins, and for half an hour it focuses on the indigenous people of Brazil and the etymology of the word “Tietê.” At exactly 9:48, I order a pizza. Shortly after, the documentary ends with the desperate sounds of sultry moans.
10:01 PM There’s a debate going on about an inspection vehicle’s environmental inspection. At 10:06 I take my first pee break and make a mental note: “It seems like September.”
10:34 PM The pizza arrives.
10:36 PM An unidentified deputy: “The priority that is the biggest priority excludes the priority that is a smallest priority. This is logic. This is elementary.” The crowd goes insane.
10:57 PM The Legislative Assembly’s president, Barros Munhoz of the Brazilian Social Democratic Party, receives some compliments from his colleagues. They call him “comrade” and “an exceptional person.”
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| greeksalot, on Jun 1, 2009 wrote:
These guys need to be put in a cage match with the British Parliament and the Thailand Assembly. Or is it Taiwan? Either way, our congress sucks. | | Anonymous, on May 27, 2009 wrote:
i want to watch this. it might just be the new torture for illegally detained prisoners now that water-boarding has been nixed. | | Anonymous, on May 22, 2009 wrote:
anger | | Anonymous, on May 21, 2009 wrote:
I rather sit through a penis enlargement without antithetic. God bless you for enduring. | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
this might’ve been better as a blog entry. | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
i’m falling asleep reading this shit. when i need to read and reread a single sentence multiple times, that’s a bad sign. | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
I wanted to drill a hole in my fucking face reading this. | |
| bad news brown, on May 18, 2009 wrote:
this dude looks like a toad or like a pavarotti minus the beard | |
| road_kill, on May 18, 2009 wrote:
you should have watched some Brazilian telenovelas instead. that would have been fun! | | Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote:
who thinks “It seems like September.” when they are peeing?!! what does that even mean? | | Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote:
that guy in the picture looks like she has something shoved up his ass. someone give the man a taco! he needs to loosen up | | Anonymous, on May 15, 2009 wrote:
is there a Legislative Assembly Television channel for the U.S? i bet it would be even more boring than this... | | Anonymous, on May 15, 2009 wrote:
urgh, I cant imagine having to sit through 24 hours of that. Sometimes i accidently sit on the remote and switch it on the spanish news channels and even those brief three seconds i have to listen to it is pretty unbearable. | | Anonymous, on May 13, 2009 wrote:
my favorite line in all of this is "The deaf look confused" hahah. amazing | | Anonymous, on May 13, 2009 wrote:
ah, even politics in south america are like a telenovela. I love it | | Anonymous, on May 13, 2009 wrote:
the designated speaking section is also a trap door. | |
| anonymouse, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
i like the designated speaking area. i guess that’s what that is. outside of this box you will not speak! it’s like holding up your hand in class. you know you face serious consequences if you don’t wait until called on. | | Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
i think i could have lasted an hour or until my first high wore out, whichever was first. | | Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
I wish our politicians could get away with the gangster haircuts. Foreign statesmen never fail to impress me with their trims and make me crack up. | |
| duck duck goose, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
first thing i thought when i saw this pic - the farting preacher. | | Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
"k, you get tired when you eat an egg? i’m sorry what was the topic again?"
It’s a metaphor you mongoloid | | Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
what a sigh of relief to hear the doorbell ring for pizza! | | Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
ok, you get tired when you eat an egg? i’m sorry what was the topic again? | | Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
dude looks like one of the three tenors. that would have been a lot more cool that a fatass politico. | | Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
another example of why i have forgotten any interest i used to have for politics. the next time i’m out and someone starts the politics discussion i’m going to mention this experiment and see how long they want to continue. | |
| lowbrow, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
you filibustered yourself. why? i can’t think of anything more painful. | | Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
*yawn*
*rub eyes*
*yawn* | | Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
sounds slightly better than c-span but nowhere near as awesome at the british parliament. | | Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote:
Is that a wheelchair lift? Wow... | | |
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