SKINEMABy Chris Nieratko
IT’S SUNNY IN BRAZIL
Vivid.com
Dir: JJ Cobs
Rating: 8
A bunch of my friends are pro skaters from Brazil and they’re always telling me the craziest stories from their childhoods of murder, drug mules, and prostitution. Brazilians have a natural lust for life that comes across in the way of a huge ear-to-ear smile, which can be rather disengaging when connected to words like, “My father owns a rock quarry in Brazil. At least once a week when I was growing up they’d find a dead body that was dumped in the quarry. Have you ever seen a three-day-old dead body on a Monday morning?”
In America, if you smile when telling a story most of the time you’re bullshitting. In Brazil, they’re always smiling—weirdly, almost uncontrollably. When I went to Rio to check it out for myself I doubted the seediness of it. Three days into my visit I had to step over a corpse to get inside a club. It made a believer out of me. Six hours later the corpse was still lying outside the club, barely roped off with police tape. In NYC they’d tape off the entire city block, but down there, the tape was more like a half-assed chalk outline.
I sort of want to take my wife to Ipanema because of just how serene it is, but at the same time there are parts of Rio that are hell on earth. One of the skaters we were with almost got his stomach emptied with a shiv in the middle of a very happy, very upbeat festival. To this day I’m still not sure what caused the stir but I can tell you my knowledge of Portuguese and my explanation that the guy who did nothing wrong was an idiot, was sorry, and would immediately leave the country were the only things that spared his life.
That corpse club doubled as a whorehouse. Unbeknownst to me, nearly every club doubled as a whorehouse. And there I was thinking, “Boy, they really love Americans down here!” One of the skaters on the trip ended up porking one of the ladies in a bedroom upstairs. He returned and joined me by the bar, exhaled loudly and said, “Fucking girls is just not the same anymore.” “What? When you have to pay for it?” I asked. He then explained to me that whatever Eastern European country he grew up in wasn’t big on circumcision. He spent the majority of his life and the first part of his sexually active years making hump with a highly sensitive eel in his pants. The problem was that as he grew into a teen and then an adult his foreskin did not grow with him and so every time he’d get an erection his flesh would tear. At first it wasn’t that bad but as he aged, he said, it got more and more severe—often covering hot and horny girls with prick blood. Lots and lots of prick blood. Enough prick blood to dump on Carrie’s head.
They eventually had to circumcise him. It was just before he turned 20. He told me he had a lifetime of fucking under his belt before they cut his wang’s toupee off and ever since then he’s had about one-tenth of the pleasure and enjoyment he used to get from sex. He told me he wished he could go back in time and choose not to get cut, that he’d tolerate the blood and the pain and the torn flesh for the rest of his life just to be able to feel how he once felt.
I told him that was the saddest story I’d ever heard.
CHRIS NIERATKO
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Sep 6, 2009 wrote:
That was stupid. | | Anonymous, on Aug 10, 2009 wrote:
"WORST WRITTEN ARTICLE EVER. I think this article, including photos and title, was randomly generated by a computer."
Is that you, Chris? | | Anonymous, on Aug 9, 2009 wrote:
WORST WRITTEN ARTICLE EVER. I think this article, including photos and title, was randomly generated by a computer. | | Anonymous, on Jun 13, 2009 wrote:
alls I know is I am glad to have my foreskin. | | Anonymous, on Jun 12, 2009 wrote:
I’m an uncircumsized Eastern Europen and I call the whole tearing and blood story bullshit. I also started masturbating at the age of 5. | | Anonymous, on Jun 4, 2009 wrote:
Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
thats why you should play with yourself at an early age, that way your foreskin will stretch, geez nobody knows nothing around here...
Best advice ever. I’ve played with my dick since I was five years old, and now I have a 9-inch pleasure-pole inside my pants. With foreskin and all. I feel bad for you uncircumsized fuckers. | | Anonymous, on Jun 1, 2009 wrote:
your dick is more sensitive if it has a foreskin because the foreskin protects the head from getting desensitised to shit, like it would if it spent its whole life rubbing against your boxers. | | Anonymous, on May 28, 2009 wrote:
The glans is only the most sensitive of the dick after you’ve taken off the foreskin. It’s like saying Detroit is the whitest city in America (if you don’t count all the blacks and iraqis). | | Anonymous, on May 28, 2009 wrote:
What he says has no logic. The glans is the most sensitive part of the penis. It follows that if you retire the skin from it, you will feel MORE, not less... | | Anonymous, on May 27, 2009 wrote:
negrotaco rules | |
| rabies babies, on May 26, 2009 wrote:
hmm, i never thought about brazilian porn before. now i have something new to look for online. | | Anonymous, on May 23, 2009 wrote:
What the fuck. I thought I was learning about Brazil, then he’s off talking about his buddies dick.
This writer sucks (probably) | | Anonymous, on May 22, 2009 wrote:
the foreskin keeps the head covered so it’s not knocking around the inside of your jeans. when the erection comes, its it’s more sensitive. who the fuck doesn’t know that | | Anonymous, on May 22, 2009 wrote:
that picture’s hilarious. please tell me it was staged though? | | Anonymous, on May 20, 2009 wrote:
everyone always says sex is better uncircumcised but I dont buy it. I think that is just a myth uncircumcised guys spread in order to justify their wrinkly dicks. I DONT BUY IT! | | Anonymous, on May 20, 2009 wrote:
yuck. bloody uncircumcised dicks. what a nightmare | | Anonymous, on May 20, 2009 wrote:
chris nieratkoo is fucking hilarious...everything he write is stupidly genius | | Anonymous, on May 20, 2009 wrote:
its feels better with foreskin becasue without it your penis turns into a finger.
Also, who the fuck cares HOW Christ writes his shit? | | Anonymous, on May 20, 2009 wrote:
bad news brown, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
what the fuck? why would it feel better WITH foreskin? am i missing something here?
Clearly, your missing your foreskin. The removal of foreskin is like removing the clitoris. You can still enjoy sex, and even cum, but it’s not going to be as strong. Btw, This article is horribly written. Seriously. I know it’s only Vice, but I’ve seen better writing on a cocktail napkin. | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
"In NYC they’d tape off the entire city block, but down there, the tape was more like a half-assed chalk outline."
Ah yes, the notorious Catholic respect for life.
What a joke. | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
This column is so shitty! Big deal, you know some pro skaters. You suck the wrong end of a douche. I am uncircumsized and never had a problem, but everyone’s different, I guess. | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
i don’t know why, but my friend looked that shit up or something and they had a numeric statistic for how many times more pleasurable sex feels with foreskin. i was like, ’what the fuck,’ but secretly i was kind of wishing i still had mine. | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
I think your full of shit! | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
What did I tell you about letting your dick drip? | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
I think the whole theme of the Brazilian Issue is "DON’T FUCKING GO THERE" | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
a three day old body on a monday morning would surely ruin my entire fucking week | |
| bad news brown, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
what the fuck? why would it feel better WITH foreskin? am i missing something here? | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
what? no tape tea and perfume huffing stories? | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
<why not just fucking get circumsized?>
best comment ever. interesting how many 6 year olds read this site... | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
dead corpse? ain’t no thang! just step over the mother fucker. | | | Next 30 comments > |
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