IN THE MAGAZINE

VICE MAIL

Letters - The Brazilian Issue

GONAD GAUNTLET
Dear Vice,

Where do you find the people who do the bizarre “experiments” (e.g., seeing who can hold their shit in the longest while wearing a diaper and chain-smoking) or for the interviews with the couples who “just had sex”? They are so boring! I don’t blame you guys. I love reading this stuff. I guess what I’m saying is next time you guys need someone for those pages, I’m your girl! Seriously. Feel free to look me up on MySpace/Facebook. In fact, I’ll do you one better: myspace.com/kelleology.

Yours,

KELLEY YULICH
Garden Grove, CA

PS: I loved the “Who’s Hungry?” interview with the Japanese cannibal. I’d give up being a vegetarian only to taste human flesh.

OK, sure. We like adventurous people. Here is your challenge: 1) Get a camera (Polaroid preferred, but we will reluctantly accept digital if necessary). 2) Go to a bar that you don’t normally go to. 3) Get as many photos of human balls as possible. We’ll pay you $5 per sack. Godspeed!


SLACKS FLACK
Dear Vice,

What the fuck?! For years I’ve had to scavenge for your magazine, making my rounds to random record stores, vintage-clothing boutiques, skate shops, and other bullshit stores. I had to do this since you consider mailing things “a huge pain in the ass to deal with.” But I didn’t mind, I liked your “Don’t subscribe to Vice” disclaimer. But now I think you got your skinny jeans two sizes too small and it’s affecting the blood flow to your brain. You’re just gonna bow down to some eBay douchebags trying to make a quick buck off of lazy fucks? Come on! Bust a few more rails, shotgun some beers, and fight this!

D. TORRES
Brooklyn, NY

It’s time to set the record straight about pants and Vice’s stance on pants. Probably 25 percent of people in this office wear skinny jeans and most of them are in the marketing department so they can’t help it. But a quick glance around the editorial section reveals not a skinny jean in sight. Probably because we all have guts and if we wore skinny pants we’d look like Kermit the Frog (except for Liz, who is a teeny person and thus wears correspondingly teeny pants). Still, though, even moms wear skinny jeans now so it hardly qualifies as a trendiness indicator anymore. What else are you going to make fun of us for, wearing “tennis shoes”?


THE BEST LITTLE GIRL IN THE WORLD
Dear Vice,

I’m a reasonably healthy 22-year-old female with several strong yet cute and trendy narcotic vices (alcohol, nicotine, various herbs, and white powders), black dry wit, and a pretty face. I’m smart, quirky, and well read; my aesthetics run to the ironic, postmodern, and indie; I have snappy dress sense and tend to look like a hip 1950s-era secretary or librarian (what trendy bloke wouldn’t want to get fucked stupid by a girl in a frilly blouse, pussy-bow cardigan, pencil skirt, thigh-highs, and kitten heels?); I shave my legs and underarms and trim my pubes; I am clean and smell very good all of the time; and when I get drunk, which I do on good dark beer, hard liquor, or fancy wine, I tend to giggle and talk about my favorite albums as opposed to, you know, stupid or inane things. And I’m an artist and poet, although I’m not threatening, as I never read or show my best works to men. Oh, and I can fuck enthusiastically twice a day, give great head, and ride a road bike in a skirt.

You may have now deduced that I am an extremely fuckable commodity. However, I cannot seem to get a steady date and since I’m not all that crazy I think the main reason is that I am chubby. DOs and DON’Ts captions and commentary seem to support this hypothesis. As evidence, I submit my measurements: 34-25-37. For further reference, I am 5’5” and weigh 127 pounds; my skinny-jeans size is 27. FATASS, I’m aware. When I was a teenage punk, I was anorexic, but I went off that diet plan and now regret it. I’d like to lose another two inches off of my middle and bottom measurement as I’ve heard 35-24-36 is about the ideal female measurement. I’m not sure if this would take five pounds (leaving me at 122 pounds) or ten pounds (117), but I am committed to doing this. (I’m vegan and typically eat about 1,200-1,500 calories per day, so it’s not as though I am lazy or anything.) I’m also unsure if the girls I am trying to live up to are more like 33-22-34/35, and that will take an even longer commitment.

The thing is, I can lose five pounds in two months by near starvation alone (I just did so, I used to be 132 pounds, 36-26-38—a veritable heifer!), but after two months I really have to eat a bit normally for about a month. So achieving a more favorable size for dating a good-looking boy with dress sense and a nice vinyl collection would take about five months. Ideally I would like to have a companion for shows and indie-rock festivals by the summer, so I muse in writing, do you think some fashionable fellow somewhere, someone who does not have a fat fetish or self-esteem issues about his tiny dick or mates who would rib him about not being man enough to get a thin chick, would accept a girl who was slightly above the typical Viceland/Willyburg/Shoreditch size?

It’s not as though I would admit to an eating disorder around him (I’ve learned from past experience), and guys love dainty eaters, so I doubt my means would get in the way of this end. I am simply tired of knowing that, due to my bit of junk in the trunk, I am considered a pass-around snack as opposed to a sit-down meal, so to speak, and that men at the shows I attend probably think that, while I am incredibly fuckable if they put me in lingerie and get drunk enough, my proper role is supine with eight piglets suckling off my tiny triangular teats. Oh yeah, another thing, due to having drastically starved myself as a teen my breasts are a bit small and they point down. Yes. Droopy breasts at age 22. I may as well shoot myself. But I cannot afford cosmetic surgery, just as I cannot shell out for anal bleaching for my olive-skinned, half-bred Cajun-colored butthole, so I suppose any potential mate will have to compromise on a few small matters either way. I’m thankful that at least I keep impeccable personal hygiene and have tiny, trim labia, a symmetrical vulva, and nice tight vaginal walls. If my sex partners close their eyes I’ve been told I’m a fine steak to pound.

For serious, Vice. This is a genuine question and I feel that, if you are going to encourage this mind-set among my peer group, you should at least have the courtesy to address my concern. And I am more than willing to take the plunge and devote myself to the standard you put forth in your reply.

Thank you for the load off my mind,

JOY
Via email

Rather than sending you a list of links to the mountain of DOs and DON’Ts that contradict your claim that men like bony chicks, in addition to one of our favorite Vice fashion shoots of all time featuring hot chubby girls and titled “Dear Anna Wintour: You Are Wrong,” we’re just going to tell you that, news flash: You have an eating disorder. And possibly a touch of body dysmorphia, too, considering that the measurements you describe are fairly tiny. A 25-inch waist? You’re a size 4, lady. The real reason you can’t get a boyfriend is because you’re being a shallow cunt and you want to date shallow cunts of the male variety. Just chill the f out and maybe take a Feminism 101 class at your local college or something. You sound like a Barbie doll.

Comments

Anonymous, on Aug 29, 2009 wrote: there not gonna pay u u fukin dum bitch who would pay that ??
Anonymous, on Jun 3, 2009 wrote: i’ve also got some "junk" in my "trunk" (god thats lame) and i have real good relationships and fuck like a bunny too - it’s easier if you can actually support yourself and the guy doest ram his hip bones right through you... and yeah this chick below is right - it’s all about confidence. go and get some for your fucks sake.
	tico, on May 30, 2009 wrote: When I stopped caring about my measurements, everyone started noticing how hot I am. I’m 27 years old, 5’ 8" and US size 6-8 hourglass figure, and almost every straight man and bisexual woman that I’ve met in the past year has a hard on for me. It’s insane! Confidence gets a girl everything that dieting can’t. PS - The emaciated Willyburg guys that like stick girls are fags anyways.
Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote: You guys should really think about a sack of the month club.
	bad news brown, on May 18, 2009 wrote: 34-25-37? overweight? fatass? what the hell? do you really need people to tell you that those measurements are like every guy’s ideal measurements in a girl? i mean, unless you’re going for the coked up bulimic model look, you’re doing better than ok.
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: "I am more than willing to take the plunge and devote myself to the standard you put forth in your reply." why would you go by what Vice says? they are just going to fuck with you and give you some ridiculous response
Anonymous, on May 18, 2009 wrote: D. Torres needs to get over it. scavenging for the magazine is part of its novelty. Vice plays hard to get, and I like it. I dont need any slutty magazines
	road_kill, on May 18, 2009 wrote: $5 per sack!? shit, can I get in on that challenge?
Anonymous, on May 17, 2009 wrote: i weight the same (and wear a size 27) but i’m 5’9". i concider myself on the thin-normal scale. 5’5" and 130lbs is curvy. not fat by any means but "maybe not have that second helping" kinda chubby.
Anonymous, on May 17, 2009 wrote: I hope Joy never attends a Feminism 101 class because god knows society needs chicks like for guys to fuck before they meet their chubby true loves.
Anonymous, on May 16, 2009 wrote: HAHA only read the first bit of that joy’s "account of my life so far" but she seems like a self obsessed nutcase and I’m a self obsessed nutcase! Seriously!Size 27? Oh oh I’m chubby! Well your not are you really? Maybe you can’t get a steady date because it seems like you may be talking about interesting shit but you only ever really talk about yourself and your incapacity to find a suitable mate. Guys don’t only like skinny chicks! I must prefer a girl with a good round butt and some flesh to the size zero planks to so desperately aspire to look like.
Anonymous, on May 15, 2009 wrote: that girl has shown how fucking clever she is, and could be great, if she wasn’t so fucking shallow! Try and think that boys (at least I don’t) want a long term relationship with some dumb bitch that cares about nothing but their image - they’re only for fucking. Girls like you (the author) are girls worth sticking around for. you’re interesting, just fucking forget about your image and fucking chillllll
Anonymous, on May 15, 2009 wrote: seeing who can hold their shit in the longest while wearing a diaper and chain-smoking sounds hilarious! how did i miss that?
Anonymous, on May 15, 2009 wrote: 5’5 weighing 127 pounds is NOT chubby at all. that girl is delusional. I dont even want to acknowledge her stupidity with an insult..
Anonymous, on May 13, 2009 wrote: KELLEY !!! extra easy = i like !!!
Anonymous, on May 13, 2009 wrote: its true. moms do wear skinny jeans. my mom went out and bought three of the same pair of jeans as me, and then just to piss me off went and blew a few hounded bucks on some true religion ones too. shes good.
Anonymous, on May 13, 2009 wrote: I like Kelley’s challenge. mainly because Vice isnt looking for boob shots for once! lets see some nasty balls
	A Taipan, on May 13, 2009 wrote: Kelley seems to fit into the Vice mentality. I wish Joy would do the universe a favor and fuck a chainsaw. Seriously. There should be a death sentence imposed for submitting this tripe. What did she expect a pat on the back and friggin’ hi-five? Sorry triangle tits, no love here.
Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote: kelley, nice ass!
	Paolo, on May 12, 2009 wrote: Dear Joy, You sound dull as shit. "guys love dainty eaters", did your vagina tell you that?? I have a penis and I love a chick who can put back some hot wings (huge Archie Moore’s fan), I also know of several other dudes, also con huevos, who couldn’t care less about a girls caloric intake. The bottom line is at some point when you have a boyfriend you are going to become comfortable enough with him to pour over the details of your self obsession to him or at least in his company and this is going to make you look like a, well, a dumb twat. Sorry, it’s true, if your willing and obviously stoked to share this hyper personal information with a world full of faceless strangers imagine the diatribes the poor sap who’s fucking you will have to endure. YOU NEED THERAPY!!!
	somehowkelle, on May 12, 2009 wrote: also vice did you have to add the link to my myspace that was for you not all of vice land. fuck me now ive got messages from strangers coming at me left and right.
	somehowkelle, on May 12, 2009 wrote: umm i fully intend on doing this. so if any of you guys want your ball sac pictured in vice or whatever do me a favor snap a shot (polaroid preferred) and send it my way.
Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote: My guess is that the occasional "white powders" Joy employs involve Welbutrin and other various anti-depressants. Can you imagine humping her with her skin so baggy it feels loose around her skeleton?
Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote: The cannibal would probably be more than happy to assist Joy in shaving a few inches off her waist. Why don’t you set that up?
	komodo, on May 12, 2009 wrote: think of it like this - tight pants reduce sperm count. do you really want another generation of these fucks clogging up the sidewalks and taking over your favorite bar once someone tells them it’s cool? no, you don’t. let them wear their skinny jeans and let’s pray the sperm count thing is true. also, their trust funds will have run out by then and let’s be serious. few of them have real jobs. we don’t need any more kids growing up in the welfare system.
Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote: KELLEY Even better, go to a gnarly gay bar with a male friend as the photog, don’t tell him the whole story, he’ll get more cuz he ain’t a hatchet wound like you. split the proceeds 75/20 (with the 5% going to me) SLACKS FLACK Deal with it, vice can be a bitch to get a hold of. fuck off and subscribe. JOY God, that was an ordeal.
Anonymous, on May 12, 2009 wrote: thank you anonymous! you summed this shit up right!
Anonymous, on May 11, 2009 wrote: KELLEY YULICH You need to go to a really nasty gay bar, and you could make some serious money SLACKS FLACK How touchy are you people about wearing skinny jeans, jesus, nobody really gives a shit about that, but seriously wheres the list of places people can get the magazine from. thats all anyone wants to know JOY "trim my pubes... I cannot shell out for anal bleaching for my olive-skinned, half-bred Cajun-colored butthole... and have tiny, trim labia, a symmetrical vulva, and nice tight vaginal walls" You sound cool but whats with all the intimate details about yourself, you need to get therapy, but hey at least your "a fine steak to pound" right?