THE FUTURE WAS BULLSHITSeven Technologies We're Supposed to Have by Now INTERVIEWS BY ROCCO CASTORO AND SIGURD KONGSHØJ LARSEN
ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHRISTY KARACAS
Thinking about the state of technology today makes us want to curl up in the fetal position and cry like the Star-Child from the end of 2001 (if it had galactic diaper rash). Where is all the cool future stuff they promised us in cartoons and sci-fi movies from the 50s through the 70s? What is with this primitive life we’re all leading?
According to the future of the past, we should be cruising around in flying cars, living forever, and shooting our enemies with death rays so that they won’t live forever. Yet here we are, driving in cars on the ground, dying in our 80s, and having to resort to bullets for our murdering needs. WTF, future? In fact, you know what? Fuck flying cars. We should just be teleporting everywhere by now. Fuck!
Here are the current states of some imminent technological breakthroughs that have yet to break through, as told to us by the people who might actually finally make them happen.
Tap, tap, tap. We’re waiting…
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LASER GUNS
Peter A. Schlesinger, president, HSV Technologies: We formed HSV Technologies with the idea of creating a nonlethal weapon that uses ultraviolet laser beams to immobilize a target. An associate inventor assisted us with the initial patents and formulations. Proof-of-principle testing was conducted at the University of Southern California and was overseen by Dr. Richard Scheps, one of the most qualified experts in the laser and optics field in the US. Our main objective is to assist law enforcement. Unlike a standard Taser, our UV beam immobilizes the skeletal muscles of any organism within nanoseconds. They will be subdued for as long as the trigger is held, and the device could be used to immobilize several people at the same time. So if the individual has a thumb on a bomb trigger or pistol, there’s time to approach him or her and still have some seconds left to remove the weapon and handcuff the suspect. Another application of this technology is a vehicle-disabling device. Let’s say a patrol car is chasing OJ Simpson, who refuses to stop. The officer could shoot a laser and entirely disrupt the car battery, effectively disabling the vehicle. We don’t have a prototype yet because of inadequate funding, but there are people attempting to copycat everything we’re doing at this very instant. If HSV is able to raise the seed money, we could have a working model in our hands within six months.
The verdict: You’ll most likely be vaporized by one during WWIII. |
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See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on May 17, 2009 wrote:
you become energy at the speed of light. and you can never travel as fast as light because light travels in instantaneous bursts, so fast as you may be going, light has already bursted ahead of you. | | Anonymous, on May 7, 2009 wrote:
I want to become unstuck in time! | | Anonymous, on Apr 28, 2009 wrote:
"it’s only theoretically possible to go forwards through time, not backwards.
this is why we havent experienced time travellers. duh"
Hasn’t it been proven that it’s impossible for man to travel even close to the speed of light? We would break down. So, therefore, the wormhole is the only real option, and if wormholes are there, going forward or backwad through time would be the same level of difficulty. | | Anonymous, on Apr 28, 2009 wrote:
it’s only theoretically possible to go forwards through time, not backwards.
this is why we havent experienced time travellers. duh | | Anonymous, on Apr 27, 2009 wrote:
dude! you must be the smartest person ever! are you in fact from the future? | | Anonymous, on Apr 24, 2009 wrote:
Hasn’t time travel been proven to not exist since we haven’t encountered travelers from the future. You can’t tell me they are all secretive enough to keep this on the lowdown. | | Anonymous, on Apr 24, 2009 wrote:
Christy Karacas, how I love thee. Hey Vice, you should have CK do some comics soon. Keep Johnny too but let Christy get some comic love. | | Anonymous, on Apr 23, 2009 wrote:
where is the contraption that talks to my grandma on the phone so i dont have to sit through 90 mins of torture each sunday afternoon? that’s prime pot and couch time. | | Anonymous, on Apr 23, 2009 wrote:
i want to know if puffy shirts and powdered whigs are ever coming back in style | | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
steal our money with SNICKERS on the inside! | |
| megabreath, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
vending machines, yeah. they do as they’re told except sometimes they steal our money and snicker on the inside. | | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
Wow way to steal the entire idea for this article from Warren Ellis’s Doktor Sleepless. Where’s my fucking jetpack? | | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
I like to think vending machines are a type of servant robot. | | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
could laser tag kind of count as a laser gun? what about a laser pointer? yeah? no? | | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
wheres the hoverboard? | | Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
No one ever predicted the internet, and that’s so much more useful than a laser gun or jet backpack.
No one predicted the internet? Do your research. Plenty of people did. | | Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
No one ever predicted the internet, and that’s so much more useful than a laser gun or jet backpack. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
youse guys should do a show about this type of steez on vbs | |
| joey carrera, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
yes, robo servants are what the fuck i wanna see. ive been wishing for those fuckers since the jetsons and what do we have to show for it now? absolutely NOTHING besides a roomba which can’t even get me a fucking beer. people are still fucking blow-up dolls for christs sake. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
if time travel is possible then it has already happened. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
time travel seems highly unlikely, and think about the problems people would have with criminals traveling back in time to change things! | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
flying cars? highly unlikely anytime soon. i mean you’ve seen the rocketeer episode right? 35 seconds in flight at a time = LONG way to go dudes | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
reversal of aging may not happen tomorrow but for now, rich people have plastic surgery | |
| zerotransfat, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
yanno, as a kid growing up watching GI joe, i always thought that laser guns would be no problem, considering how everybody was shooting laser from their guns instead of bullets | |
| Taylor, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
I agree. Surveillance has already reached incredible levels. It was something like 20 years ago when the US government showed it could read license plates from space. How much have we progressed since then? You can’t ask for much more than that.
As we’ve seen with Google streetview, everything is going to be available to anyone soon. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
what is the difference in this version of quantum teleportation and what raymond kurzweil describes as emailing physical objects? they would both work in terms of binary code, yes? | |
| The Max, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
flying cars will only be for novelty. magnetic transportation is going to be the next breakthrough in green transit. electromagnets will pull and push you to your destination in complete silence and emission-free! | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
Thanks for this list, I love cracked.com style garbage | | Anonymous, on Apr 18, 2009 wrote:
lets steal it and turn it on them | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
its cool, in the future ill be a gazzilionaire | | | Next 30 comments > |
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