SKINEMABy Chris Nieratko
Great Sex During Pregnancy
Adameve.com
Dir: Ernest Greene
Rating: 10
Can you do me a favor? Pretend like you didn’t see the picture above and when I ask you to guess what my wiener put inside my wife’s guts, just say, “I don’t know, what?” and then when I tell you, act surprised. OK?
Hey, guess what my wiener put inside my wife’s guts? You don’t know? Come on. Take a guess. Give up? A freaking baby! My wiener shot a baby into my wife’s stomach like NASA used to shoot monkeys into space. It’ll return from its voyage in her belly on September 11, to honor everyone who died in the World Trade Center. I’ve been meaning to suggest to my wife that we name the baby World Trade Nieratko. Or Fuck Iraq Nieratko. Or maybe spell Iraq with a U and not an I so the baby’s initials would be F.U.N.
It’s probably not a smart idea for me to make any of those suggestions right now because the baby-naming topic has been a real issue lately. From the moment I met my wife, Cris, I knew I was going to marry her, so it wasn’t long until I began declaring that when Chris and Cris would have babies we’d be naming them all Chris, or a variation thereof, like George Foreman. Many people laughed at what they thought was a joke. I was being serious. And my wife seemed to be going along with it. Even last year when we made that lazy baby who quit on us before we even got to name it, she was still on board the All Chris Train. But something has changed. And I don’t like it.
We were trying for nearly two years to make this baby, including the time of the lazy baby. We’d given up stressing over it and returned to fornicating for pleasure as opposed to procreation. It was cool. Making a baby was kind of an afterthought to getting it on—we’d give each other a sly look like, “Do you think?” But we never said anything out loud.
Then on Christmas morning my wife woke me up with a small wrapped gift. Inside was a dipstick with a + sign on it. It was the greatest Christmas present anyone had ever given me. And a sign that we should name the baby Christmas! Christmas Present Nieratko! Chris for short. I danced around the house singing Christmas carols. “Everyone loves Christmas!” I screamed, “Even the Jews! Our baby will have its own holiday and songs sung in its honor! Christmas Nieratko! I love it. I’m dreaming of a white Christmas! It is going to be white, right? It better be or you got some ’splainin’ to do, Lucy!”
“We’re not naming our baby Christmas,” she replied.
“Uh… what?” Just like the Grinch who stole Christmas, my wife shattered my Christmas dreams. Then she told me if it’s a girl she wants to name her Chloe. “Chloe?!?” I screamed. “We can’t name her Chloe! Chloe is a porn star’s name! Or worse yet, that actress who plays a Mormon on HBO. No. No. No. No Chloe. Christmas!”
“And if it’s a boy?” My wife asked.
“CHRISTMAS! It’s a gender-neutral name! Christmas if it’s a boy and Christmas if it’s a girl!”
“No Christmas.” She replied.
And that’s where we left it. I’m still in shock that my wife doesn’t like the name Christmas. I had to walk away.
CHRIS NIERATKO
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on May 22, 2009 wrote:
i love having sex wiv my pregnant missus but were bored of doin the same positions all the time we need something different to try | | Anonymous, on May 14, 2009 wrote:
my legal name is christmas... | | Anonymous, on Apr 24, 2009 wrote:
That "great sex during pregnancy" guide is fucking hot and creepy. Everyone is so horny. I feel like if they had a shot inside the belly the baby would be spread eagle giving himself a fetal hummer. | | Anonymous, on Apr 24, 2009 wrote:
Chris, your maturity level is perfect for blowing fart bubbles with lil 9/11 but when the thing emerges you gotta be a daddy, ok? | | Anonymous, on Apr 23, 2009 wrote:
Do you think it’s easier for porn stars to squeeze babies out? | |
| | | Anonymous, on Apr 23, 2009 wrote:
christina. | | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
OH! i know. name it nicholas (like st. nicholas, like jolly old st. nick, like Santa, like CHRISTMAS) you see?! its all relative | | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
Im not going to lie, the thought of Chris having a child is a little scary, but I have faith. good luck!! | | Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
my kid’s name is holiday! | | Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
<cough> Christmas carol. Get it? | | Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
"you should name her carol"? really? did you read the article? that doesn’t shorten into chris at all | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
Osama Bin Christmas Nieratko. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
you should name her "carol." wacka wacka wacka | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
You should just say, "okay. chloe it is." but then whenever your wife’s not around call the kid christmas. once it gets older and starts talking, you may hit some problems, but at least you’ll get a solid few years in with christmas. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
There are no "gender-neutral" names. Now that girls named Alex outnumber boys named Alex, "gender neutral" = Girl’s name.
Naming baby girls is easy. You can name them anything and it’s cute. For boys you have three possibilities: John, Steven, and Faggy McGirlsname. Until someone thinks it would be "cute" and "gender neutral" to name their baby girl "John." Then we’ll just be left with Steven. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
@dingo
hey, a girls gotta stay fly during pregnancy too right? only thing is, im surprised that shit hasn’t popped the fuck off from that growing belly | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
I hope there is a stipend included for the kid. You know all his friends are going to see this and fuck with him for getting fucked in the womb by an 18-inch cock. | |
| dingo dick, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
is she still wearing her navel ring? jesus, this is a classy broad we are dealing with her. | |
| joey carrera, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
i’ve always liked girls with boyish or gender-neutral names | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
what i have always wondered is if there is really a big demand for pregnant porn, do they have to keep some of the adult industry in a rotation of getting knocked up? do they have enought whoopsies to make up this fetish or do they have to let johnny cum lately launch the jizz rockets up the love tunnel? | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
how about you concede the first name, but make sure that you get to choose a middle name, you have to choose "danger" it would work so well. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
It really does look like Doppler Radar. In a way, it’s like a storm that you know is coming but it’s going to hang around and fuck up your house for 18 years. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
how does preggers porno work? not like they have any morals left in their body or anyting, but do they really have various porno cocks up in their vag while the mother is 7 months pregnant? that sounds a bit disturbing...poor kid!!! | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
christmas isnt so bad, it could be something weak like shrove tuesday or passover. those would suck as names. | |
| enstigator, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
as long as he/she doesn’t go by christ i think christmas is okay. although i guess mexicans have been naming their kids jesus for decades, so nevermind. go for it. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
pregnant sex is just a bit wrong, surely you could damage the kid?? you know its born with a dent the shape of your bellend, right in the middle of its forehead. what kind of life would that kid be able to lead?
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| zerotransfat, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
i like christmas. i think it works just fine! think about it, you could keep the name legally as christmas, but if he/she doesn’t like it (chances are he/she won’t) then they can simply go by "chris" just like mommy and daddy! aww | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
stay away from any holiday, month, or time of day. they are all white trash. christmas, check. april, check. dawn, check. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
ugh.. nina hartley makes me sick. a little part of my sex soul dies every time i see her. | | | Next 30 comments > |
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