SCREWED BY SEARCHAn Entire Generation, Em-Bare-Assed on the WebBY SAM MCPHEETERS
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The author, at 15, with pie, in Woolworth’s.
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In 1984, I was 15 and always eager to learn something new about the human experience. For some reason, the photo booth at the Central Avenue Woolworth’s in Albany, New York, was my preferred venue for these lessons. Where could I document the creepy JFK mask I’d built? Where could I destroy stuff? The photo booth, that’s where. One day, I saw a guy get pelted with a cream pie on TV. What does that feel like? I wondered. That weekend, I bought my first pie and got a ride to Woolworth’s.
An odd thing happened as I headed for the booth, clad in my yellow raincoat and clutching my pastry box. An angry, overweight black woman charged over so quickly I momentarily assumed she was the store manager or an undercover cop.
“Whatchu doing?” she demanded.
“Getting my picture taken,” I said.
“Mmm-hmm,” she said suspiciously.
Since there was nothing more to say, I stepped into the booth, drew the cloth curtain, deposited my quarters, and pied myself. And once again, I learned something new about the human experience—getting socked in the kisser with a coconut cream pie is a lot scarier than it looks on TV. For one thing, the filling gets up your nose and you can’t breathe. For another thing, the angry, overweight black woman stood just outside the booth, demanding to know what I was doing in there.
“Whatchu doing in there?” she yelled.
Experiment completed, I cleaned my face as best I could and emerged to wait for my pictures to slide out of the machine’s little slot. My new guardian waited right along with me, not even pretending to browse through the nearby bargain bins. After what seemed like several hours of mechanical churning and gurgling gestation, the booth delivered my photo strip. I quickly retrieved this before she could see the pictures, but the angry, overweight black woman simply snatched the strip from my hands and scowled at the evidence. For a strange moment I stood there baffled, unsure if she was going to give me back my photos or not. I was just a kid, with no apparent recourse. I didn’t know that she wasn’t the store manager or an undercover cop, and I definitely didn’t have the disposable income to go out and buy another pie. There was a long, awkward pause, and then she finally grunted and relinquished my property.
“Thanks,” I said, meekly.
For years, that misplaced courtesy has haunted me as a signature moment of teenage cowardice. Only recently have I understood that the thanks was, in fact, quite warranted. I owe this woman a tremendous retroactive debt for providing such a ready-made analogy for my adult life. I know now that there is an angry, overweight black woman lurking over everything I do. Her name is The Internet, and she will not rest until every self-inflicted pie strike has been chronicled, archived, and exposed for all to see.
A dozen years later, I found myself on a flight to Anchorage. My band had booked several shows in Alaska, and the trip had the feel of a tremendous Jack London adventure for boys. After the first craggy peaks of landfall appeared in the window, a thought came to me.
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| darthvice, on Jul 29, 2009 wrote:
yeah now it is just instantly put up on like facebook or myspace and you see videos and pics of the shameful acts. before you could just get a hold of the polaroid and burn it... | | Anonymous, on Jul 29, 2009 wrote:
AddHigga
Best article ive read on here in awhile!
but im in the 20 something post gen-X thang thang. And i gotta say its not so easy, i still wasnt prepared for my new employers(Oil Corp that owns my province and will black-list you for life for failing a drug test) to find out that im a hip hop artist and in a band, then i didnt anticipate them to log onto my Myspace all of them huddle around and find pictures of me posing with marijuana and with joints & blunts in my mouth.
Now i havent been drug tested yet, but the internet has got me drinking a lot of cranberry juice and sleeping in a garbage bag and under 3 blankets. | | Anonymous, on Jul 22, 2009 wrote:
i’m seeing miri’s granny panties! | | Anonymous, on May 4, 2009 wrote:
Great article. However, I feel like kids growing up now are going to be dealing with nude picture/video mishaps with so many cheap digital cameras around. After all, there’s no nosey black lady supervising your webcam. | | Anonymous, on May 3, 2009 wrote:
This is beautifully written. It’s a shame that vice is read by so many drooling morons now. | | Anonymous, on Apr 27, 2009 wrote:
Not necessarily. I have been in photobooths with three and with four. Photobooths are not all created equal. | | Anonymous, on Apr 25, 2009 wrote:
Photo booth= FOUR pictures.
Last one missing.
Hmmmmmm. | |
| rabies babies, on Apr 24, 2009 wrote:
once you had the curtain drawn there wasn’t anything she could do. the photobooth curtain is almost as holy as the dressing room curtain. even old black chicks know this to be true. | | Anonymous, on Apr 24, 2009 wrote:
there are more underage virgins in middle america than ever before. you need to look up the evangelical christians. they are taking over shit and it ain’t gonnna be pretty. | | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
@ghostfingers
we’ll se so fucked up by that point i doubt there will even be any underage virgins. ooh, corruption! thank you internet.
| | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
that kid looks like the main character of the Wonder Years. man I miss that show | | Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
That’s pie-larious!
| | Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
overweight black ladies are always trying to put a kink in your fun armor. did she cross her arms and put all her weight on one foot? that means you’re really in for it. | |
| jiminy, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
a kid in england i think has already beat you to the punch but instead of "i have herpes" he painted a giant dick on his parents’ roof. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
haha. why is that when i look at the photos all i can think of is the wonder years. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
I think every middleschooler has a similar photobooth experience. mine involved cramming 5 12 year old girls into one booth and then all of us fighting over whos head was in the middle | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
big deal, you took some stupid photos (which i think are actually pretty cool/clever for 15) and now it’s being dug up on the interweb. boo fucking hoo | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
15? you look 12. and like a loser. | | Anonymous, on Apr 18, 2009 wrote:
blah bluh blah bluh blah. people are googling me, bluh bluh blah blah blah. the 90s. | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
born again$t would have had a fun song about this shit YEEEEARRRGGGHH | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
you look like a kix kid. mcpheeters tested, mcpheeters approved. and you have very square hands. your birdie finger should be longer than the others. what’s up with that? | |
| sketchballer, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
i think usually when someone tries to kill with kindness they are really just too big a pussy to call someone out. fuck killing someone with kindness, kill them with murder. it works better. | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
"...that misplaced courtesy has haunted me as a signature moment of teenage cowardice."
I hate when you go to kill someone with kindness and you miss. | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
Imagine how pathetic that woman must be to spend minutes of her life harassing a young boy outside a photo booth at woolworth’s..was it amelie? | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
mcpheeters as a lil kid. priceless. I dont want to see his man-face. | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
I think if St. Pete started a page of funny videos it would be a home run. 90% of the best shit will never be seen by anyone but him | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
watching parents put youngn’s embarrasing stuff on the internet makes you think that those memories that were all rotting on VHS are no the case for future spawn. Changes. | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
damn i never thought about st. peter’s search engine. heavenly google will go into beta any time now. then you can see what your grammy did in her youth and she can’t say shit to you about ass exposure. | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
i just sent over $600 to albany so you know what? fuck albany. new york should be the capital of new york. | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
You’re an idiot | | | Next 30 comments > |
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