|
|
|
Itsi and his galactic wang.
|
SABERSEGGING
The Two Greatest Inventions of All Time, Together at Last
BY JASON CROMBIE
When history looks back at our quaint little era, it will focus on two things, the two most outstanding technological achievements of mankind: Segways and lightsabers. Segways are the chariots of the modern age, and lightsabers are the sabers of the modern age. Why hasn’t anyone thought to combine them? Well, we have. We have thought to combine them into a genius new sport called Sabersegging that we here at Vice magazine have invented. Copyright: us. Step 1 was inventing this genius game (done), and step 2 was sending Vice correspondent Jason Crombie off to become the first Sabersegger ever in existence. Take it away, Crombo.
Before you can Saberseg, you must first master both Segging and sabering. Itsi Atkins is a horny, gnomelike gentleman and New York’s foremost Segway instructor. He’s actually New York’s only Segway instructor, since no one else wants to do it. It was difficult to master the art of the Segway, not because I’m a slow learner or anything, but because Itsi was primarily concerned with teaching the two ladies who were there with me. I kept asking for a go but Itsi couldn’t or wouldn’t hear me. He was too busy telling Amy and Gabi to “show us your girls.” According to Itsi, Segways are controlled by sticking your boobs out as far as possible. At one point Itsi actually jumped on a Segway behind Amy and did a reach-around move like the pottery scene from Ghost, only not as consensual. It’s also worth mentioning that later on, Itsi produced a large leather paddle, which he used to strike the ladies’ bottoms as they whizzed past on the Segways. I am not making this up. Itsi has a thing for paddlin’, and he explained that in his free time he likes to participate in a little light Segway S&M.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Apr 27, 2009 wrote:
haha the last picture with the guy jumping is hilarious, you know they are all imagining him jumping and hovering in the air or something, i just think that the guy in the checked shirt is getting a bit too invoved, looks like he is actually on the edge of his seat watching this epic duel.. | |
| foxface, on Apr 27, 2009 wrote:
"Most of the Jedis come in full costume and most have their own assortment of customized and sometimes homemade lightsabers"
this to me, sounds like they are taking it a little too seriously. i guess everyone needs a hobby but getting dressed up and being a jedi is as bad if not worse than medieval reeinactments you see in the park.
| | Anonymous, on Apr 27, 2009 wrote:
@anonymous. are you a segway/lightsaber rep. you poo poo face ( hows that for school yard) | | Anonymous, on Apr 24, 2009 wrote:
Looks like they had fun. I will never understand when people feel the need to be negative towards others that have never done harm to you. If they are having fun why become beligerant. If it is not your thing, hey cool. But why bring negativity to people that you do not even know. I never understood the elementary school yard mentality of name calling.
As to taking things seriously, do they look like they are taking things seriously, they are running around on segways with lightsabers. If they took it too seriously i think they would not do something like that. Just looks like they are trying to have some fun, even if you approve or not.
Again intersting article. Wonder what other segway or saber related things exist out there. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
of course it would be the douchebag with the goatee who would be doing the headstand segway action because he is officially the "man". | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
the second picture has some seriously closeted gay guys. | | Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
haha, itsy never did get along with the other kids. | | Anonymous, on Apr 19, 2009 wrote:
hate to say it but i think this itsi guy has it all figured out | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
his name is itsi? god, were his parents hoping he’s be killed before reaching second grade? that is child abuse. | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
i always thought that lightsabers were cool,then douchebags start taking it all serious and it becomes one of the lamest things ever. | |
| halzer, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
correct me if i’m wrong but didn’t boba fett have a segway-like thing that flew? how are you supposed to keep up with a flying bounty hunter on one of these? i’ll tell you - you aren’t. | | Anonymous, on Apr 17, 2009 wrote:
why the hell do segways exist?? seriously i saw hulk hogan on one and part of me died. he isnt the immortal one anymore. | | Anonymous, on Apr 16, 2009 wrote:
so that’s what santa does the rest of the year: cock fighting, but with neon saber cock in place of roosters. | | Anonymous, on Apr 16, 2009 wrote:
this combines the two worst things in the world | | Anonymous, on Apr 16, 2009 wrote:
i can almost see the emergency room staff’s eyes when you try to explain that you broke your clavicle light saber dueling on a segway. | | Anonymous, on Apr 16, 2009 wrote:
Headstand-Segging looks awesome! I have always wondered what my cat sees when he terrorizes the house except upside-down! | |
| smokey robinson crusoe, on Apr 16, 2009 wrote:
i want to see some sabercock jousting. the first man thrown from his segway must jabba the other man’s hut. i don’t know what that means either but by the time this is a reality we can figure something out i’m sure. | | | < Previous 30 comments | |
| |
