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PATENT PENDINGBY CHRIS NIERATKO Over the years I have come up with some ingenious, inventive designs to help mankind. I have written them all in a notebook. I have showed this notebook to no one. I have been meaning to submit them to the patent office but I just haven’t gotten around to it. Not a whole lot of time for patenting with all that porn I have to watch. But soon I will bring my inventions to life and then the world will bow before us. [Maniacal laugh] Bah ha ha haha ha. 
TOP-LOADER LAPTOP Ever miss the look and feel of a typewriter? The clickity-click-clack of the keys singing, then the DING of making it to the end of the line? I know I do. And I miss not being able to make corrections without Wite-Out. So I came up with a new top-loading PowerBook that types each letter onto the paper as you hit the key. No corrections allowed! WE STRIVE FOR PERFECTION! Want to delete a word? Misspelled something? Tough titty. Start over. It’s gonna be great. I think it will bring Americans together; with all these Communist hippies trying to brainwash us to “Go green,” this will be a chance for all of us to join together and get back to our nonrecycling, destructive, and wasteful roots… all to the sound of that poetic noise of the Underwood that Shakespeare typed on. A MOUTHLESS WOMAN Remember the Twilight Zone movie? There was that one chick with no mouth? That was the sexiest girl I’ve ever seen in my life. I understand completely that a mouthless woman gives me no chances for future blowjobs, but really I have no chance of future blowjobs as it is and my wife has a mouth. But imagine how much quieter the world would be if we could engineer women without mouths. I don’t hear you imagining! A CELL PHONE WITH LASERS We’ve all been promised more than a little headway in the laser department for more than 30 years without seeing shit. Hello! Laser-developing motherfuckers! Star Trek and Star Wars gave a laser striptease a lifetime ago and we still haven’t seen any action. I really don’t give a shit about an iPhone with a GPS because a) I have GPS in my car and b) I have eyes in my head. Where’s a Chinese restaurant? Let me look around. Oh. There’s one. What I need IS FUCKING LASERS. I need them to slice things, I need them to maim animals in the way of my car that I don’t want to kill, I need them to kill people in the way of my dog that I don’t want him to maim, I need them to shoot my mouthless woman in the ass just to remind her she can’t scream. AND I NEED THEM NOW. So please, Bill Gates, I know you have lasers up in that crazy tomorrow-house of yours, please share. Make the * key the laser button. No one uses that button anymore. *69? What the hell was that about? This is the future. * = laser = dead! PERMANENT WINDOW-LOCK BUTTON I need a way to make it so my car windows don’t go down at all. Odd request, yes, I know. It has nothing to do with fart jokes or hot-boxing my weed smoke, but I suppose it would be useful in those departments. I drive everywhere with my small, 20-pound dog, Benny, on my lap. He often steps on my wiener and it hurts awful but generally I like having him there; I can rest my head on his back at red lights and take naps. The only other problem with him sitting on my lap aside from crushing my nards and occasionally trying to turn the steering wheel with his paws is that when he puts his foot on the door rest he opens all the windows. It makes me nervous he’s going to jump out at 65 mph. It also sucks when it’s 18 degrees in January and suddenly every window is wide-open and I’m on the phone and unable to close them without pulling over on the side of the turnpike. So I’ve invented a car with no window buttons at all. The windows will be merely for display purposes. Temperature will have to be regulated by an annoying, constant adjustment of the AC and heater. I haven’t figured out what I’ll do about drive-thrus or tollbooths but those are a far second on my list of needs after making sure my dog can’t lower the windows. Or maybe I can just put the window buttons on the roof. He can’t reach the roof. Scratch everything I just said. My invention is dog-proof window buttons on the roof. TITTY-MILK-CATCHING BAG You know how the horses that pull the carriages in Central Park have those bags under their asses to catch the shit as it falls? Well, this is basically the same thing except for pregnant chicks, so that none of their precious breast milk falls on the floor and is wasted. (Please make no correlation between horses and pregnant chicks or horseshit and tit milk. This is supposed to be a positive invention.) A LIGHT THAT NEVER GOES OUT You know, because everyone loves the fucking Smiths right now. AN EXERCISING MEXICAN It’s not to say Mexicans do not exercise. I just want one that exercises for me so I can lose the weight. I will not be fooled into exercising by a video game. Nintendo can package the Wii any way they like, I’m still not getting off the couch to do shit. If Nintendo wants to increase calisthenics then they can invent a Mexican that will exercise for me while I lie on the couch and lose the weight. THE VICE CAMERA This point-and-shoot camera will allow everyone to become a professional photographer of the highest Vice caliber by never allowing your photos to be in focus, always blasting them with a flash far brighter than Weegee would have ever used, and always being overexposed while still being under-dramatic. LONNIE SOUND-BITE MACHINE Have you been reading about my wife’s retarded Uncle Lonnie on the Vice blog? You should. He’s great. Lonnie is 60 years old but thinks he’s four. Or seven depending on what day it is. He uses some of the most colorful language I’ve ever heard anyone ever use, retarded or otherwise. So I’ve invented a little key-chain recorder that has some of Lonnie’s most popular catchphrases loaded into it, such as: “Go fuck your shit,” “Go shit in the terlet,” “Go suck your ding” (he calls peckers “dings”), “Fuck you, Potsy,” “Go to hell, asshole,” “Blow it out your ass,” and “Are you gonna go the fuck home?”
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