OOH, OOH, OOOOH, OOOOOOOF!The Technology of Teenage KicksCOMPILED BY VICE STAFF
Rubbing yourself up against a dink or giner is good for having an orgasm, but all too often these organs of pleasure are attached to a human being who may end up causing you trouble, strife, or, worst of all, LOSS OF MONEY.
In this time of economic world downfall, many are opting out of sex with other people, preferring instead to pleasure themselves using a technique known as “masturbating,” “jerking off,” or “onanizin’.” It’s normal for both men and women to use their hands or store-bought “dildos,” “Rabbits,” or “anal ass-destroyer ass exploders” to practice masturbation, but thriftier, smarter people are looking back to their early teenage years, when household implements were utilized as objects of erotic stimulation, often in the woods behind the school playing field or their grandparents’ bathroom as Gramps snored noisily in front of Murder, She Wrote.
Keen to investigate these methods, we conducted a transatlantic scientific experiment to deduce whether the technology employed in teenage sexual explorations is effective enough to render future human copulation redundant.
The three criteria were:
1. Goodness of feel
2. Difficulty of use/assembly/cleanup
3. General skeeze factor
We now present you with our findings.
 Anonymous, on Nov 18, 2009 wrote:
ladies, wouldn’t you worry about the cat scratching or biting you? Or does that risk just make it sexy? | |
| noiseZ13000, on Nov 17, 2009 wrote:
hahait seems normal for a dude to try all those ways pf jerkin it, but the girl just came off as a skeezer, with the cat and cucumber and telling us "its" almost baggy... gross (hope the enjoyed these methods cause shes not gonna be getting action any time soon | | Anonymous, on Nov 16, 2009 wrote:
why didn’t he try the hollowed out banana peel wrapped in duct tape?? worked so well | | Anonymous, on Nov 15, 2009 wrote:
i must be the cleanest person alive since i discovered the full capacities of a showerhead ;) | | Anonymous, on Nov 15, 2009 wrote:
i must be the cleanest person alive since i discovered the full capacities of a showerhead ;) | | Anonymous, on Nov 15, 2009 wrote:
i must be the cleanest person alive since i discovered the full capacities of a showerhead ;) | | Anonymous, on Nov 15, 2009 wrote:
SHOWERHEAD!!!!!!! :P
...just in a clean bathroom. | | Anonymous, on Jun 30, 2009 wrote:
The cat doesn’t look to shy about it so I don’t think you need to be either Kelly. | | Anonymous, on Jun 27, 2009 wrote:
my cat licks my pussy all the time :p the first time was an accident, a nude nap only to wake up from a fantasy that my cat had caused. hehe.. i may or may not have pushed her away. | | Anonymous, on May 10, 2009 wrote:
This article is hilarious, and kind of sexy... apart from the bathroom and that guys socks. Which immediately removes all sexiness because those two things are both SO GROSS. | | Anonymous, on May 5, 2009 wrote:
I’m a girl (and straight) but the sight of that redheads jugs made me want to flick my bean raw! But the mood was killed but the gross bathroom no wonder she fantasizes about getting fucked in a nice bath, you couldn’t get yourself clean in there.
Seriously Vice why does everyone affiliated with you have to live in a squat? How about spend less money on crack and more on socks and cleaning products. | | Anonymous, on May 4, 2009 wrote:
A long time dare of mine has been to go the grocery store and only buy lube and a cucumber... As for awesome masturbation tools, I was lucky enough to have a jacuzzi in my house while growing up. The funny thing is I told me sister about it, and every time one of us had a jacuzzi, we’d have to deal with that knowing look from one another... | | Anonymous, on Apr 26, 2009 wrote:
this one time, i got the idea that it might be ok to shove a crayola marker up my butt, so i tried to shove it up there, but it didn’t fit and i was disapointed with the result, so put it back in my desk drawer and never though about it again. | | Anonymous, on Apr 26, 2009 wrote:
lightning loven’ | | Anonymous, on Apr 25, 2009 wrote:
"bizarro world?" is that where all the 2s go ’appearing’ like 8s in the hopes of getting their clits sucked by pussies?
Yeah, I read it there.
STILL VILE.
UGHHHHHH. | | Anonymous, on Apr 24, 2009 wrote:
Um, cats don’t have the same taste as humans you fucking retard. For all we know to them pussy juice could taste like salty creme brulee.
Also, if you’ve never seen a cat take a shit, that’s simply because you’ve never tried to see a cat take a shit. Granted that’s a perfectly logical platform for living out your life, I’m just saying it isn’t the island from Lost is all. | | Anonymous, on Apr 23, 2009 wrote:
why yes, i have seen a cat take a shit. right on my lap. granted, it was retarded from drinking antifreeze, but still..... | | Anonymous, on Apr 23, 2009 wrote:
"cat licking vagina...i’m calling the human society"
is that like a human league spin-off? | | Anonymous, on Apr 23, 2009 wrote:
You fucking scumbags. That cat isnt that stupid to go down their. Cats are fucking hygienic - you ever seen a cat take a shit? No. Cause theyre fucking smart and dont want to lie around or eat near their own shit. You know how fussy cats are. There’s no way that cat is going anywhere near her vagina, or anyone elses for that matter. Like what’s been said on this site before, unless you’re really horny, a cunt really doesnt smell (or taste) that good.
Skweekah | | Anonymous, on Apr 23, 2009 wrote:
...."do people wear mismatched socks?"
Ummm yes, who could be bothered finding the other right coloured one. I have better things to do. And if they are under your pants who gives a damn? | | Anonymous, on Apr 23, 2009 wrote:
This article is genuinely hilarious. And as for all the people banging on about ’perversions’. Lighten the fuck up, you all do it. | | Anonymous, on Apr 23, 2009 wrote:
cat licking vagina...i’m calling the human society | | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
"wtf no popcicles"
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WUT?! | | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
if the two of them are really that desperately horny why dont they just leave cats and mattresses alone and fuck each other. then we dont have to read about their perversities any more | | Anonymous, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
Im going to have to agree with some of these people. That girl is totally busted AND completely twisted and fucked in the head. just nasty overall | |
| barrack obama, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote:
KARLEY SCIORTINO, I can fill in for the cat. | | Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
how do you find a cat dick? i had to google that shit just to confirm they had them. | | Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
Oh Priceless, That is a horny cat, I hope you got him/her after yourself, a relationship is all about taking and giving. | |
| jiminy, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
after a few months of experimentation i came back to the simple dry hand on penis method. fewer rashes and less clean up. | | Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote:
Anonymous, on Apr 20, 2009 wrote:
VILE. call me a prude (or straight), but it is revolting, as a female, to see an unattractive female jack herself off.
UGH.
UGHH.
Unattractive? Are you reading this on bizarro world? | | | Next 30 comments > |
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