IN THE MAGAZINE

VICE MAIL

Letters - The Technology Issue

JOIN THE FAMILY
Dear Vice,

My original plan was to write this big, elaborate bullshit letter, but I guess I’ll just get to the point. Around November, I bought The Vice Guide to Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll. When it finally arrived in the mail, I got super-excited. I was around halfway through the Crime section when the most awful thing happened. My French teacher took it away from me. To make a long story short, the administration deemed it “inappropriate” to have in school, there was a parent-teacher conference thing, I had ISS for a day (but was rescued by my awesome hippie biology teacher and pretty much just chilled and jammed out in her class all day), and the book then got destroyed by my parents. You know how much that sucks? Like a fucking shitload, man. I’m still very sad. This happened around mid-December. Well, I still love you and your magazine, even though I can’t afford it. ($40, seriously?)

Love,

KARLA CRUZ
Brownsville, TX

PS: Guess who’s not getting the Vice picture book for her birthday.

Look, all those teachers and parents and assorted squares don’t understand you. They never will. They don’t get you like we do. I suggest you drop out of school, steal your mom’s jewelry, pawn it, get a Greyhound ticket to New York, and show up at our office directly from the bus station. We’ll help you find some sort of work and a place to, you know, crash. It will be fun! An adventure! See you soon?


A MISINFORMED LETTER FROM AN IGNORANT PIECE OF SHIT
Dear Vice,

I feel like I should write something complimentary about your magazine, but that is stupid. If you didn’t think you were making a good magazine, you would probably write about other things. That’s as close as I can come to the obligatory you-guys-are-awesome- but-you-should- change-something opening sentence. In any case, I think your literary reviews section is a little weak. While I like the fact that you review comics and collections of photography and random oddments, I dislike the fact that the literary reviews appear infrequently and you almost never review novels or in-depth examinations of international politics—especially in light of your Fiction Issue and the occasional mention of some rogue journalist who has written a spectacular book about something interesting that I have barely heard about. Basically I feel that the appreciation of the written word in the Western world is withering and dying, which is tragic because books are the best medium for intelligent social and political commentary, which in turn (hopefully) leads to people who think more deeply and critically about everything. Apparently Vice bears a tremendous influence on a certain demographic, and it would be nice if it wielded that power to promote a greater degree of literacy. Honestly, if you look at the number of articles in any given issue of Vice that are either about bands or interviewing band members, it seems like it wouldn’t be too great a sacrifice to cut one interview with a band and replace it with a review of a book or an interview with an author.

Looking back on that last paragraph makes me wonder why you accept letters from any dickhead off the street with an opinion. Most of the letters you print are from either conservative people who are appalled by your magazine, politically correct people who are appalled by your magazine, or people who want to tell you how mind-blowing some article was. And then every once in a while someone trumpets some cause that loosely relates to something that you wrote. That’s nice, I guess.

KYLE WELLS
Via email

I don’t even remember the last time we interviewed a band in the American edition of Vice. Seriously, when was that? I guess we did something about taking DMT with the band Growing like six months ago? But hmm, let’s see… We recently ran the first English-language excerpt of Roberto Bolaño’s 2666 (you know, the MOST IMPORTANT AND CRITICALLY LAUDED BOOK OF THE YEAR) and the first published excerpt from Blake Bailey’s brilliant and also widely praised biography of John Cheever. And the massive fucking Fiction Issue that you gloss over so quickly, the third annual one, in fact, was full enough of great writing and interviews (see the next letter down for a little more on that) to last a numbnuts like you a whole year.

I guess my point is, asshole, why didn’t you find out what the fuck you were talking about before rattling off your little bookmobile of an email? The only “power” I want to “wield” right now is my fist into your face, repeatedly.


PRAISE FROM A MASTER
Dear Rocco,

I received the three copies, the check, and the tax form. Thanks for all that you have done. I want to give you a little feedback on the issue [V15 N12, the Fiction Issue].

The only negative is the size of the font. It’s too small. It reminds me of the font size used in credit-card agreements. But after that, just about everything is positive. I love the cover photo. Every day I kiss her ass for good luck. I’ve often wondered why literary magazines don’t use more soft-core photos such as that one. The issue leaves the other magazines that publish fiction in the dust. Overall I would give it an A-minus.

The Fred Pohl and Harold Bloom interviews were excellent. I was glad to see science fiction well represented. The Sam McPheeters and Robert Ferrigno pieces were my favorites. I’ll nominate the Ferrigno for Pushcart. If he didn’t write crime fiction, I would look for his books. His website is one of the best I’ve seen.

As you know, I was concerned about the proofs. But I found not a single typo. The nubile intern who typed the manuscript did a good job and did not make a transcription error. And someone gave it a careful proofreading. I guess you know the quotation from Oscar Wilde: “A poet can survive anything but a misprint.”

I was impressed with the work of the copy editor. He corrected some of my oversights and dumb mistakes. I was amazed that he knew another name for the Norwegian forest cat. (The one I used is from my aunt’s cat book.) Does he do freelance copyediting? Would he be interested in copyediting the manuscript of my novel? I would send him small portions, enough to fit into a 9x12 envelope. There would be no deadline of any kind, so he could do it when he had a chance. Please ask him to get in touch with me if he is interested.

I’ll be in Florida for about a week over the vernal equinox. My plan is to rent a car, stay in budget motels, and explore the area between West Palm Beach and Miami. You’re from the Gulf Coast of Florida, but if you have any useful information about the Atlantic Coast, please let me know.

All best,

KEN GANGEMI
New York, NY

Associate editor Rocco Castoro responds: Thanks for the kind words, Ken. I highly recommend checking out the DivaDuck tour in downtown West Palm. It’s a narrated musical excursion through the historic district in an amphibious bus and it ends with a relaxing float down the Intracoastal Waterway. Their slogan pretty much sums it up: “It’s a bus. It’s a boat. It’s DivaDuck!”

Comments

Anonymous, on May 15, 2009 wrote: i’m not sure i’m following you (below me). you don’t want literature and you also don’t want photo spreads, or at least those done by johnnie craig? ps - when johnnie craig is good, he’s real fucking good. keep putting his stuff in vice.
Anonymous, on May 15, 2009 wrote: ’Ah crap...mail’s been a bit sparse this month - we’re going to have to use this ’moar literature’ thing...’ ’Oh well, in that case make sure you reply to it rather inanely, taking particular care in belittling the sender as much as possible. After all, we don’t want anyone other than us thinking they have valid opinions.’ Fiction Issue? Brilliant. Don’t have to write about books for another year then, yeah?. It’s not like anyone cares about them anyway and besides you have far too little space to spare with all of Jonnie Craig’s god-awful photo spreads.
Anonymous, on May 7, 2009 wrote: Kyle. You are the person that figures out the cheapest thing to bring to the potluck aren’t you? You probably take home the leftovers too. You suck, Kyle.
Anonymous, on May 7, 2009 wrote: the guide to eating pussy will teach you more useful things than half of what you will learn in high school. trust me, eating a good snatch is worth more than knowing about tangents and cosines.
Anonymous, on Apr 29, 2009 wrote: manhood101 . com BITCHSLAPS the pussified, chronic "nice guy" in all of us. check out their latest destruction of this sackless effigy of anti-masculine wonder: manhood101 . com
	ghostfingers, on Apr 22, 2009 wrote: half the highschoolers in texas probably can’t read and one that can gets a magazine taken from them. stupid.
Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote: everytime i hear "hipster" part of me dies i believe. is there a more overused word anywhere right now?
Anonymous, on Apr 21, 2009 wrote: Ha ha ha ..............U silly hipster wannabes get a look at the real deal and u flee running back home to momma! What do u think a hipster is anyway: a mainstream citizen? Kari Ferrell is a coyote in this time of the COYOTE spirit. She will lead the way rather than be assailed by the smaller spirits that think themselves so cool. Coyote is an agathokakological figure, like Dr. Who, composed of both good and evil. This young woman may show a bit more evil, but rest assured, she is not only human, but she is the cutting edge. She is coyote and Vice Mag will yet rue the day it let her escape. Get used to it, hipsters, you’re OBSOLETE...........................ha ha ha
Anonymous, on Apr 16, 2009 wrote: i wonder what they would have done if the book was skinema instead.
Anonymous, on Apr 16, 2009 wrote: if i wrote you a letter in blood, maybe my own, maybe not, would you scan it and use that instead of transcribing it?
	dick butkus, on Apr 16, 2009 wrote: It always wigs me out when people say things "Vice has a tremendous influence over a certain demographic."
	mike d, on Apr 15, 2009 wrote: goood to hear that there are stilll nubile interns.
Anonymous, on Apr 15, 2009 wrote: Kenneth "No Deadline" Gangemi. I LOVE YOU
Anonymous, on Apr 15, 2009 wrote: reading kyle’s letter, i get the feeling he thinks writing like this will get him a shot at writing for vice. in a way, i guess he did.
Anonymous, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: kyle- i don’t care if you want to belittle the magazine but jesus that must have been the most boring letter i have ever read, including notes from my grandmother. seriously, don’t you have anything better to do?
	ciego167, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: the feedback bonanza continues- less shitty music blogs,more true tales of scandalous sex, drugs, and quilting
Anonymous, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: although oliver twist is on sara palins book burning queue, somehow Vice is allowed. i heard she really digs skinema
Anonymous, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: Vice- I used to be a christian, but after readng you magazine and masturbating furiously to Kern photos, i have renounced my faith. Is Vice full of godless heathens spreading the seeds od Satan? Love, Julia
Anonymous, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: Dear Vice, Don’t mess with Texas. Sincerely, The Brownsville, TX School Board
Anonymous, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: perhaps you should have a vice party and let gangemi mc it. he was hilarious when he got slammed and read his stories. dress him up in a tux and give him all the free booze he can hold. i’d go.
	special ed, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: i would love to hear about karla somehow making her way over to brooklyn from texas. definitely follow-up worthy material
	shep, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: couldn’t it fall under the umbrella of sex ed? it’s not like DARE worked, why not go straight to the source?
Anonymous, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: i bet the teacher’s lounge was never the same after that fateful day when karla’s book was taken. aren’t teachers all about freedom of speech and press? not it texas, eh?
Anonymous, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: i had forgotten how good the bloom interview was! the harry crews was my favorite. no wonder the man has so many stories, he’s had so much happen to him.
	tanger, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: why aren’t there divaducks in every city with a navigable waterway? i say the more amphibious vehicles the better.
Anonymous, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: @Karla Read it online. I know you don’t get the feeling of having the magazine in your hands, but why spend $40 when your parents are going to throw it away anyway?
Anonymous, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: my copy of sex and drugs and rock and roll has part of the corner torn off and blood drops on it from when i found someone doing lines of meth on it at a party of mine
Anonymous, on Apr 14, 2009 wrote: Well now I like Gangemi even more.