PHOTOS BY ED ZIPCO
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Girl Challenger #1: Liz
After yesterday, today was a breeze. I felt like a fun babysitter, and all day long I wanted to cheer people up and sing songs and bounce around. Some guys even sincerely complimented me on this t-shirt, like they were impressed that I had such refined taste in superheroes. Ladies, here’s a tip: Wear an awful t-shirt of a comic book character and suddenly you’re a dick magnet.
At work, however, my bubble was burst when someone told me I looked like MIA, which is the worst insult I’ve gotten since some dude drove up to me as I was walking down the street and yelled, “Where are your tits?”
Otherwise, I felt pretty all right with this outfit. I was in my kooky jammies, you know? Nothing ever goes wrong in kooky jammies. |
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Girl Challenger #2: Jamie
I woke up and thought, “Maybe I’ll wear my blue dress toda—oh.” Donned my “sexy” outfit, then went to local clinic for a free HIV test. “I like your makeup,” my nurse remarked. “I wear it like that too when I’m not at work.” Waiting for my results was not nearly as funny as I had hoped. Everyone looked dejected and sick of having kids. Found out I don’t have AIDS, yay, then went to inquire about more jobs to no avail. Upon my return home, the cat freaked out and attacked my dangly skirt.
That night, I hit the Whiskey Pub in Tribeca. The place was full of bros in business suits. One of them grabbed at me as I squeezed past him and went, “Hey hey hey!” but he probably does that to all the girls.
Next, I stopped by the Levee, where a tall dreadlocked man kept whispering dirty shit in my ear. “You’re so sexy, I just wanna mmm!” I pretended it wasn’t happening until he went away. Ran into a male friend, who declined to comment on my outfit but maybe hugged me for a little too long. |
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Boy Challenger #1: Phil
As soon as I put this on, I started to feel like an old tai chi master trying to adapt to life in the modern Western world. Someone told me I looked a little like Erykah Badu. I disagree, which is maybe why I ended up adopting a slight Asian accent and whispering that night when I was drunk and hitting on girls. I think at one point I might have even busted out some sweet tai chi moves when I was dancing with one of said girls. She was totally into it, I bet.
I must admit I really liked wearing the shoulder pads. I’m not really the beefiest of dudes, so it was nice to have that extra boost. Ironically enough, I felt more masculine than usual. At one point, I thought about cutting them out and putting them in all my shirts. But then I was talking to this girl, and she put her hand on my shoulder, being all affectionate, and was like, “Ohhh, what’s that? Are you wearing… shoulder pads?” Then she “went to the bathroom” and I never saw her again. Fuck Rocco. |
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Boy Challenger #2: Rocco
This was just embarrassing. I wasn’t wearing any pants (long johns aren’t pants) and I looked like a toddler who was dressed in his teenage brother’s hand-me-downs. And, I was freezing. When I got really cold at work, I would make like a turtle and tuck my hands and knees inside the shirt. My penis was hibernating all day. Five separate people at work thought they were being really creative with their zings and asked me if I forgot my pants in the morning.
I will say, though, after wearing this, I get why girls like wearing dresses. It’s definitely a lot more comfortable than pants, which can be so constricting sometimes. I felt like I was lounging all day. Also, when I went to the supermarket after work, I briefly considered the amazing possibilities of stuffing all my purchases into the dinosaur-size space under my shirt and running out, but I pussied out at the last minute. |
CONTINUED
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