PHOTOS BY ED ZIPCO
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Girl Challenger #1: Liz
The most alarming thing about this outfit is that the skirt is a child’s size 10 and the waist is made to bubble out wider than the hips to catch a little girl’s blubber. Seriously, everyone, stop feeding your child garbage, then convincing the stuffed goose she looks like a princess by dressing her up in prancey skirts. You’re grooming her for a future of diabetes and unreciprocated oral sex. Anyway, after yesterday’s plunge into negative-zero low self-esteem, I realized if I was going to get through these next four days I was going to have to own these outfits and just be like, “What? I shop at Vampire Freaks, now go fuck yourself.” So I dragged around this vinyl mud flap and jingled like a dog collar all day long and behaved as if I were really hot because of it. I had to DJ at a “cool” bar, and to my horror my friends didn’t say a thing. I hadn’t given them any warning I was doing this, either, which means they thought this was how I naturally dressed myself for the day—and not only were they not surprised to see me look like I was rejected from both The Crow and The Matrix, they were OK with that. |
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Girl Challenger #2: Jamie
I went to Curly’s in Manhattan for brunch with my BFF. People often think we’re a couple because we kind of are, just minus the sex part. This was especially true today, because I was wearing mom jeans and two baggy shirts, and she was dressed really cute.
I shopped for taxidermy at Obscura, then back to Williamsburg to return some expensive shit a smooth-talking hot guy had coerced me into buying. As much as I would’ve liked to try hitting on him in my outfit, he wasn’t there.
By this point, the pants had started to chafe my vagina. I hoped this was due to friction and not some kind of thrift-store crabs they’d given me through my underwear. I stopped by the Vice office to see that Liz actually looked kind of hot in the clothes I’d put her in, that bitch. She then gave me some pigtails that made me feel extra-special. Like, “the older boys got me to blow them behind the bleachers by telling me it was a game” special. Perversely looking forward to getting to dress “sexy” tomorrow. |
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Boy Challenger #1: Phil
Here Rocco put me in my “gangsta” look. This was the only shirt I wore that was not from the women’s department. But please note that in addition to the bedazzled necklace and unintelligible words, it does in fact say “OMG” on it somewhere. The hat kept my head nice and toasty, though.
I have this one class on Wednesdays where the professor’s a real har-har type and I knew he was going to have a field day with me. I walked into the classroom, trying to duck toward the back as much as I could. A friend of mine asked me what the deal was, and I flipped out on her, telling her to shut the fuck up before the teacher noticed. Class started and we were sitting there for a good half hour. I was thinking he was concentrating on teaching for once and I could get away shame-free. But of course, right in the middle of a sentence, he looks at me, and here it goes: “Did you find that hat in the trash? Didn’t you have a better hat? Is it at least keeping you warm?”
The next day I found my dog eating it. |
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Boy Challenger #2: Rocco
I think this was probably Phil’s worst work this week. This look just wasn’t that bad. The shirt is a little old-lesbian, but hey, at least it fit me, unlike every other shirt I had to wear. Apparently putting little guys in big clothes never gets old.
At least I still had the pants. Those things are the biggest confidence-booster I’ve ever worn. I walked down the street and, again, girls totally stared! I felt like I was in a soda commercial. I liked them so much I fell asleep in them when I got home from work. However, I stopped loving them when I woke up and my legs were so sweaty I thought I had pissed myself. It was even less fun when I had to take a good five minutes to peel them off slowly so I wouldn’t give myself some sort of weird chafe. But you know, after I hung them out to dry and they were back to their normal texture, I fell in love with them all over again. I’ll keep them for special occasions. |
CONTINUED
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