NEWSLETTER

PHOTOS BY ED ZIPCO

The challenge: Go to the thrift store and pick out five of the most hideous, ridiculous outfits you can scare up for 50 bucks. Make your friend wear them all day, every day, for a week no matter what—no changing plans, no wussing out, and don’t explain what you’re doing either. In return, your friend tries to fuck your style up just as bad. OK? On your mark… get set… CLOTHES!

Girl Challenger #1: Liz I locked myself out of the apartment while walking my dog and had to trudge about a mile deep into Bushwick to my friend’s house, where my spare keys live. I didn’t have my phone on me and her buzzer was broken so I stood out there and screamed her name until someone in the building let me in. If I told you how many men called me “Princess” or “Precious,” you would become very depressed, as did I. Amy Kellner called me “adorable,” and she meant it sincerely. My therapist said the exact same thing, mostly because of the hat, which gave me very itchy hairline acne, boil-style. I felt flappy, pink, lost, embarrassed, and cocker-spaniel-y, all day long. Once I flushed a toilet two times in a row by accident, because I just didn’t know what I was doing anymore. At the grocery store I kept bumping into things and people continually asked me if I needed help. At the end of the day I decided to just give up. I bought a giant bag of barbecue potato chips and ate them on the train.		Girl Challenger #2: Jamie It was my first official day as an unemployed person, so I slept until noon, then went to do some grocery shopping at the Food Bazaar by the projects. The dudes hanging out in front didn’t give me a second glance. Either airbrushed Looney Tunes characters are cool in the hood these days or I looked so crazy nobody wanted to fuck with me. Then I went over to Bedford to do some job hunting. I inquired in a few bars and Subway. They all said no. Ran into an old friend from college. He knew me back when I dressed like a goth-punk cheerleader every day, so my outfit didn’t faze him. Over coffee, I cheated and told him what I was up to. He registered little surprise. Later, I got my hair trimmed by a friend, who remarked, “What the hell are you wearing?” Maybe as punishment, she gave me awful feathered bangs to go with my outfit. I tried to be nice about it, but losing my job plus wearing awful clothes had made me extra-sensitive and I almost cried.

Boy Challenger #1: Phil I feel like with this outfit, Rocco was trying to bring my Asianness into the spotlight. This was the day of Obama’s inauguration, so I think a lot of people just thought I was being proud of my diversity. It was also my first day back at school, so I guess my teachers think I’m the weird kid now. The truth is I spent all day practicing my posture and balance because that piece-of-shit plate hat wouldn’t stay on, even after I pinned it to my head. That thing is NOT a hat, no matter how the Goodwill people tried to market it. People in New York are used to seeing crazies and idiots, so I didn’t get a lot of reactions besides a few glances on the train or at school. But no one seemed to care that I was wearing a woman’s zebra-print jacket with some weird plastic all over it. The hat was the big deal. People at school asked me if it was a Korean thing and some little kid on the subway asked me why I was wearing a plate on my head, no joke. See? Even the kid gets it.		Boy Challenger #2: Rocco I felt a little bit schizophrenic in this outfit. Not only did Phil decide to mix the jungle-man shirt with the red leather pants, I had to stick the Teletubbies-meets-Annie Hall hat on. I swear LL Cool J wore this hat in ’96. I looked like a dude who tells everyone he’s got a “killer bike” that’s really a moped with a lawnmower engine. The cutoff gloves pushed me from weirdo to total fucking creepo status. You know who wears tiki shirts, ass-suffocating leather bottoms, fruit-bowl hats, and punked-out fingerless gloves all at once? Child predators and Kid Rock. As fucking hideous as the pants are, they’ve actually changed my life a little. I’ve been hearing a lot about what a nice ass I have! Seriously, no one even said anything about the hat or the shirt. But all these girls at work and on the street kept staring at my butt, and one of them even grabbed it. I also got some catcalls on my way home. I don’t know how I’m going to go back to wearing normal pants after this. It’ll never be the same.

CONTINUED
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