SKINEMABy Chris Nieratko
LIVE IN MY SECRETS
Vividalt.com/ Kanearmy.com
Dir: Kimberly Kane
Rating: 10
I’m working on a new VBS show called Sexy Slumber Party in which I have sexy slumber parties with naked porn stars and we have popcorn and girl talk until they start to cry and tell me how they were abused at a young age and that’s what drove them to hand out cinematographic blow jobs for the world to see. My first test run was with Kimberly Kane, the sexy director of this DVD. I took my dog to her apartment. I’m new to the rules of having a dog.
The last time I had a dog was when I was a kid. I loved that dog so much that I took him everywhere with me: to school, to church, to the dentist. I often thought that the makers of Sesame Street had seen me take my dog to the dentist and that’s how they came up with that “Me and My Llama Go to the Dentist” bit. I sang a very similar song when I took my dog to the dentist so I really don’t think it’s just a coincidence.
My point is I’m new to the rules of dog ownership because back then, there were no rules. And in my mind there still aren’t any. But there are. And my wife knows all of them. Not just about dogs (even though she never even had a dog before. So what makes her the authority?) but about everything: about cleaning kitty litter, about putting dishes away, about using different serving spoons for everything you serve instead of just licking the one off.
One rule she keeps bringing up is that I need to ask permission of people for whether I can bring my dog to their home. I don’t like that rule. I think it’s stupid. I don’t think my dog likes that rule either. We’re free birds, man! We don’t believe in dog rules. To humor her I lie and say that I asked if it was OK to bring the dog even though I didn’t, and then when I ring the person’s doorbell, I hold my dog up and shove his irresistible dog face in their person face and ask, “Is it OK if I bring my dog in?” This pisses my wife off to high heaven but tough titty. What’s the person going to say? No? I can’t bring my dog in? It’s too late! We are already in! My coat is off and my dog is sniffing shit! Where do you keep the beer? I planned on pulling this maneuver on Kimberly Kane but my wife thwarted my plan. “Did you ask her?” “Of course,” I replied. “You didn’t. You better call her and ask.” I didn’t. I texted. I knew we were close to her apartment, and by the time she received my text and responded, it would have been too late. It’s like I was pulling the same move except futuristic.
I guess it was lucky I texted her because when she opened the door she thanked me for giving her a heads-up and how she H-A-T-E-S people who just bring their dog without asking because once someone did that and the dog pissed in her apartment or whatever, blah, blah, blah. As she was telling her little Dog-at-My-House anecdote I started to get pissed off. Did I look like someone who had a pissing dog? Worse yet, did she not feel the class my dog was exuding? Just for that I wanted my dog to piss in her apartment. But he didn’t. Because he’s better than that. But I would not go quietly into that good night—as she kept on dog bashing and saying how gross dog pee on a carpet is, I asked her, “You do know you let strangers cum in your mouth for a living, right?”
Me and my dog totally high-fived and he told me that was a good one.
CHRIS NIERATKO
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.
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| catbird, on Jul 27, 2009 wrote:
oh wow, that’s a ballsy move! | | Anonymous, on May 21, 2009 wrote:
Im more of a rabbit man myself.
| | Anonymous, on Mar 31, 2009 wrote:
if you want to read up on guys like the ones above perhaps you’re reading the wrong magazine. i’m sure your local adult book store could be of service. | | Anonymous, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
wow a peter singer reference | | Anonymous, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
I read the entire thing, with hopes there’d be some information about the blokes in the speedo’s at the top.
there was nothing. just more of vice’s crappy articles about absolute jack shit.
get back to being provocative, cunts. | |
| smokey robinson crusoe, on Mar 25, 2009 wrote:
zombie porn. surely this has been done by someone, right? that’s a porn genre i could really sink my teeth into. | | Anonymous, on Mar 23, 2009 wrote:
Homey down the end has let shit slide since picking up his wings in the force. | | Anonymous, on Mar 19, 2009 wrote:
dear person who thinks the world would be a better place if everyone adopted a child instead of a dog-- why are you reading a vice article that should have been about porn? why don’t you read newsweek or something? spot, blown. also--ur specist. like racist but involving animals. go read peter singer instead of this | | Anonymous, on Mar 19, 2009 wrote:
arent your teens/20s FOR letting strangers come in your mouth? at least ma-ma gets paaaaaid | | Anonymous, on Mar 16, 2009 wrote:
"Dogs are filthy, disease carrying yes-men."
Isn’t that their charm?? | | Anonymous, on Mar 16, 2009 wrote:
this is fucking stupid - dog-loving twat! | | Anonymous, on Mar 16, 2009 wrote:
If someone shows up at my house with a dog i will not let them come in. Dogs are filthy, disease carrying yes-men. | | Anonymous, on Mar 15, 2009 wrote:
That’s Seaside Hts., N.J. in the photo. Those are not porn stars. Since Coney Island has been sealed in bags and been up for sale on eBay you might consider Seaside if you’re jonesin’ for skanky unpasteurized thrills. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
wouldn’t it kind of be self hate if a porn star wouldn’t let a dog into her house? | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
in this situation my wife wouldnt say "did you ask her"...she would say "if you even think about having a sleep over with a porn star I’ll leave your ass and take the dog with me"
Chris, your lucky. | | Anonymous, on Mar 12, 2009 wrote:
i met a dog that could give hive fives, no kidding. her name was eleanor (how fucking money is that for a dog name?) and you said "high five" and she’d just straight up and match whatever hand you held out with that side’s paw. i hope she’s still roaming a backyard in east atlanta. she had her laps all marked out in dust paths. | | Anonymous, on Mar 12, 2009 wrote:
My dog has figured out that farting gets a response out of me so whenever he cuts one loose he turns his head to see what I’m going to do. It sounds like the last little bit of air escaping a balloon. | |
| sweetpeen16, on Mar 12, 2009 wrote:
yes, this article is fantastic. yes we are on earth with dogs, yes i am not drunk. yes. A+ | | Anonymous, on Mar 12, 2009 wrote:
that is an insightfully hilarious dog | | Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
I’ve found you can get away with voicemails too. None of my friends ever check them, so you can call at a time you know they won’t be able to answer, leave a message, then later your bases are covered and they have no idea what’s happening, but it’s their fault. In a way, it’s better than the text because you get your way and make them feel like the shithead of the situation for not checking their messages. Win-win! | | Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
My dog doesn’t write, but she sure likes licking my feet when I get out of the shower and licking dog butt anytime, doesn’t matter if a shower was involved or not. | |
| donaghy, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
a "how to fuck a stripper" miniseries would be a welcome addition to your videos. | | Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
my dog writes, it’s in pissy paw prints and the lines he leaves when he does the butt scoot acroos the hardwoods. | | Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
more people should be getting hyped on sexy slumber party vbs has been getting lame lately | | Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
Reading this made me miss having a dog for the first time since growing pubes. | | Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
wish my dog would give me 5. Your so luck CHRIS NIERATKO. I wish I was you. | | Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
I love the adverts that come on around xmas about sponsoring a dog for a few pounds a month. It was at the point where the ad goes "he will even write to you" that i started to think...bulllllshit. | |
| yikes snakes, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
I had a dog that would eat anything, one xmas she ate an entire box of quiality street choclates, shiny colored wrappers and all. For two days her turds were coming out all glittery, like turd gems. | |
| rusty, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
dogs are usually better than people and in nieratko’s case almost assuredly better than him (he wouldn’t argue this) so kimberly should have taken it as a gesture of goodwill, like "look, i know i’m a huge piece of shit, but i brought along my awesome dog to even things out, cool?" and her response should be "totally." | |
| mark twaint, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
This story rules. People really can’t deny bringing a dog in their house, they’d look like fucking assholes. You can’t hate on dogs, it’s like hating on fun. | | | Next 30 comments > |
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