Published March, 2009
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BOYS The days of moronic sneaker dudes with colorful shoelaces are long gone. Guys won’t be caught dead in anything other than muted, somber colors. Forget about skinny jeans—the guy who pulls off the widest jodhpurs without looking completely stupid wins. Tweed ankle-length 1920s pants and dark suit pants pulled halfway up on the calf are all over the place. They’re worn with black ankle socks and fancy shoes that will blind you with their shininess. |
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Cardigans, vests, and penguin coats are still the cornerstones of outerwear, with Wood Wood and Vibskov putting new spins on old styles. Accessories like round glasses, suspenders, bow ties, and black Charlie Chaplin bowlers add flair. A 1930s camera bag found in a Brooklyn thrift store for five bucks will impress the shit out of anyone. In fact, if your wardrobe consists of stuff you bought outside the country, people will follow you around like Jesus.
GIRLS After years at the forefront of oversize, overprinted street and club fashions, Danes have yanked the handbrake and made a screeching U-turn back to the beginning of the 20th century. Sure, Danish girls are still laughably overdressed, but in a more distinguished manner. Exaggerated versions of the hunter and secretary looks are popular and also helpful in identifying relationship status. Single girls looking to rope a manly beast opt for the refined-hunter style, wearing dresses or skirts imprinted with classic British deer, dog, and rifle patterns, along with high-collared blouses and wool stockings. The secretary trend is a subtle way of signaling that you’re in a “serious relationship.” These girls wear tweed skirts and wool cardigans, topping it off with big bows and pearls. No matter what their style, the hair is up in knots, and long necklaces coupled with a monocle, animal paw, or old watch pendant take a titty dip. |
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BOYS The smarmy bookworm look is now very popular among Finnish guys. In order to appear manlier and more sophisticated than they really are, boys are sporting shirts or turtlenecks in basic colors, cardigans made for geriatrics, secondhand blazers initially tailored for much wealthier people, and leather boots. During the colder months, they wrap it all up in well-designed parkas or trench coats. |
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The perfect fit for pants is neither too tight nor too baggy, and a thick, well-groomed mustache is the most sought-after accessory that you can’t find at the boutique. It’s a trend not all Finns can follow because of genetic hairlessness, so guys who have the face of a villain from a silent film are coveted. There’s still a small but colorful lot who combine Nikes made for 12-year-olds with tacky sweaters Bill Cosby wouldn’t wipe his ass with, but these fellows are thinning out due to the permeation of machismo throughout Finland.
GIRLS Having realized that “looking cool” relies on appearing apathetic and laid-back, previously so-called fashionable Finnish girls have embraced an antifashion trend. Put simply, not giving a fuck is now chic. Mixing leggings with a flannel shirt out of a 4 Non Blondes video is a good start. Insanely high heels designed by misogynistic gay men go perfectly with this outfit and show that secretly you do give a little bit of a shit. When it comes to hair, forget about the punky, complicated cuts of yore. Girls are letting their manes grow and a piss-hued dye is popular with those who idolize Edie Sedgwick in the twilight of her junkie phase. Fur hats and fur scarves are now mainstays, and ladies are gobbling up anything made of a combination of lace, leather, and fur. As for jewelry, you can’t toss a hunk of cubic zirconium into the street without hitting a stack of overlapping silver bracelets and gypsy rings. |
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TO BE CONTINUED
GLOBAL TREND REPORT 2009
New York & Los Angeles | Montreal & Mexico City | London & Berlin | Melbourne & New Zealand |
Milan & Barcelona | Paris & Amsterdam | Antwerp & Tokyo | Copenhagen & Helsinki | Vienna & Stockholm |
 Anonymous, on Apr 1, 2009 wrote:
"I really hope girls in Helsinki dont wear there hair like that..thats pretty hard to look at"
you must be referring to Copenhagen, and if not then your judgment is fucked | | Anonymous, on Apr 1, 2009 wrote:
the danish girl looks like the person at the supermarket that blocks the aisle while searching for the perfect red onion and all i’m trying to do is get a bud 40. then the ludicrous song gets stuck in my head and i have an extra swagger in my step on the way home. | | Anonymous, on Mar 31, 2009 wrote:
she doesn’t have much of a titty canyon to dip into although the idea of a monocle necklace is surprisingly turning me on | |
| captain cheesepuff, on Mar 31, 2009 wrote:
"I really hope girls in Helsinki dont wear there hair like that..thats pretty hard to look at"
What? Straight? | | Anonymous, on Mar 30, 2009 wrote:
I really hope girls in Helsinki dont wear there hair like that..thats pretty hard to look at | | Anonymous, on Mar 30, 2009 wrote:
jesus.. the denmark pair look like they were forced to go to academic camps every summer and were limited to 30 mins of tele a night. is the girl going for anti-matching? | | Anonymous, on Mar 30, 2009 wrote:
danish dude looks like sherlock holmes and dr. watson rolled into one asian supersleuth. watch out or he’ll do some derivatives too. | | Anonymous, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
so i guess copenhagen sucks dick? lol? | | Anonymous, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
i like the idea of dressing for singledom very much--but what happens if you’re sleeping with someone consistently or other tricky non relationship statuses--then you wear a secretary jacket with an arrow on it or something? but yeah, i predict that this trend- coupled with ever increasing laziness will make this catch on. i heard about this new invention where you can like meet singles who are walking on your street. its really creepy and will prob lead to rapid cyber fucking. iphones will start coming with condoms and no alley way will go unsoiled.
the future looks bright | | Anonymous, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
misogynist fags designed heels but straight men really like them. or maybe they dont. i dont wear them and i dont have a boy friend, but i had a gay friend who advocated for them very strongly---so maybe (just maybe) it means men know men and im a lesbian by default. done. a sneaker-doning bull | | Anonymous, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
THere is no way those two came from denmark, seriously denmark is the most boring place in the world, ever. | |
| joe bananas, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
Is that the finnish version of machismo? doesnt really strike me as the most masculine guy ever perhaps a little faggy. | | Anonymous, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
whats with copenhagen girls? they look like christmas gift wrap. | |
| zerotransfat, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
man if people really dressed like that in copenhagen, everyday must seem like a walk back in time. it almost makes me wanna go hunt for dinosaur fossils or look for king tut’s grave | | Anonymous, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
isn’t the tan trend fairly recent in popularity? i’m fairly sure that fair skin used to be desired because it showed that you were wealthy enough to not have to do your own work. this probably wouldn’t work for the finns since they’re all pale, unless everyone is really rich. | | Anonymous, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
if that’s what not giving a fuck looks like the giving a fuck girls would probably melt my eyeballs. | | Anonymous, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
are there wires in pants like that? they look like leg sails but your legs already move on their own. form before function, sure, but they just trick you into thinking they have fat thighs or sympathize with a despot. | | Anonymous, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
Don’t discount Cosby so easily - he’ll wipe with almost anything. | |
| joey carrera, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
yes, the helsinski broad IS stunning. i dunno, i kinda like the super pale thing. its got like a classy thing about it..i dunno can’t put my finger on it but i dig. | |
| gnarwhal, on Mar 27, 2009 wrote:
fuck me in the eyesocket! that snow pixie is smoking! her nipple-boob contrast must look like the japanese flag. | | Anonymous, on Mar 26, 2009 wrote:
the copenhagen style seems a bit unreal, but i’m very much liking helsinski’s fashion. i feel like helsinski should’ve been new york’s look. feel like it’s a better match overall. | |
| bogart the can, on Mar 26, 2009 wrote:
i’m kinda stunned at Copenhagen dude. and i know these are generalizations but jesus, does anybody really dress like that on a day to day basis? i didn’t know this was based on the most eccentric | | Anonymous, on Mar 26, 2009 wrote:
are all scandinavian girls crafty? all the crochted sweaters and stuff leads me to think they leave the birth canal with a roll of yarn and singer machine. that has to be painful. | |
| dingo dick, on Mar 26, 2009 wrote:
wow, the helsinki girl is stunning but is everyone there so fucking pale. i realize it’s finland but jesus these two could use sunscreen with a negative ph number. she looks albino-y. | | Anonymous, on Mar 26, 2009 wrote:
i like dressing up like my name is fritzel and i dance for chocolate pretzels....puffy pants will never go out of style | | Anonymous, on Mar 26, 2009 wrote:
looks like colorblindness might not be so bad in denmark. | |
| ciego167, on Mar 26, 2009 wrote:
fashion is finlands number one export- second only to fish, and rubber vomit in a close third | | Anonymous, on Mar 26, 2009 wrote:
finland looks sexier than ever. it just goes to show you, a mustache is the perfect accessory to any outfit | | Anonymous, on Mar 26, 2009 wrote:
they should call the copenhagen collection the "you better be a martial artist or you are going to get your ass beat constantly spring collection extravaganza" | | Anonymous, on Mar 26, 2009 wrote:
that piss hue is what naturally blonde hair looks like you assholes. | | | Next 30 comments > |
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