THE FUTURE OF FASHION - PART 1Fad Forecasts for the Twenty-TeensPublished March, 2009
BY SAM MCPHEETERS, ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHRISTY KARACAS
It might seem presumptuous to make fashion predictions after a decade that saw so few fashion innovations. With the exception of a few extra gadgets, a bit more midriff, and the occasional message scrawled across a sweatpants backside, people in 2009 still look a lot like people in 2000. If the last decade is any indication, we probably won’t be seeing the snazzy gear of Back to the Future II any time soon.
But this is looking at fashion with the myopia of modern expectations. The 2010s have already announced themselves as a sharp departure: new president, new economy, new priorities. If anything, a more instructive guide for the new era is the gulf between 1960 and 1970, a decade that began with men in hats and ended with hippie orgies on every street corner. Here are ten predictions for the fashions of the next ten years.
1. EPAULETTES
I’m not talking about the foppery of Austin Powers–era London or the hammy power-enhancers of corporate 80s shoulder pads. The epaulettes of the 2010s will be both elegant and authoritative, a surefire boost to America’s flagging morale. As our Great Leader has decreed, the time has come to set aside childish things. Imagine everyone strutting around with the humble confidence of General Grant’s two-star shoulder pads, the majesty of young Robert E. Lee’s shoulder brushes, or the pomp and swagger of Cap’n Crunch’s shoulder muffins. It’s morning in America all over again, and this time it’s personal. |
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 Anonymous, on Apr 18, 2009 wrote:
no, the next level in fashion is somewhere between hating life and making the best of it by shopping at the goodwill more often, and totally tucking every shirt in, I don’t care if its a Disney’s "The Little Mermaid" t-shirt’s, tuck that bitch in, accessories will be shells around your neck of course (boys and girls,) top that off with a poker hat a pair of cyclops glasses, and your in the game, you just gotta make sure you don’t ever give off a Hunter S. Thompson vibe or else you failed miserably, to top it off you’d have a kids shirt instead of an Acapulco shirt, now your fucked, 2010 is all about forecasting transcendence, its about being atheist, and dressing like God. | | Anonymous, on Apr 12, 2009 wrote:
2 TB micro SD cards by 2011. saw it in vegas. | | Anonymous, on Mar 31, 2009 wrote:
Epaulettes the future? They’re already here. | | Anonymous, on Mar 28, 2009 wrote:
except that moore’s law is limited by physical constraints guys | | Anonymous, on Mar 26, 2009 wrote:
Does every page need a quiznos fucking add in my face. Not visiting this website anymore. | |
| | | Anonymous, on Mar 23, 2009 wrote:
I think you’re spot on re: body recorders, and camo comes in and out of the mainstream all the time.
Here’s one you missed - body armor in the mainstream. I’ve already ordered a set for me and the wife. | |
| joey carrera, on Mar 17, 2009 wrote:
my favorite has got to be tonsures. the futuristic "friar tuck" is what i’d like to call it. | | Anonymous, on Mar 16, 2009 wrote:
i wonder if nicer asses can charge more for assvertisements. it would only make sense... | | Anonymous, on Mar 16, 2009 wrote:
200 gig ipods? who in their right mind needs that much shit on their hip? i mean, it’s cool and technology and iphone apps that can help me find the nearest shitter and all that but if i get more than 10 gigs my thumb would die from scrolling. | | Anonymous, on Mar 16, 2009 wrote:
You should have Christy Karacas do an animated fashion thingamajig. Love me some CK ’toons. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
no thanks on the shoulder things but i will take one of the thor helmets. that thing fucking rules. | |
| jizzmopper, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
i want tuning knobs for our soon to be itunes heads that stick out of our necks like frankenstein. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
It would not suprise me if the bodyrecorders came in sooner rather than later. As scary as that is I still think ass advertising will be a surefire way of making some cash. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
Could leg extensions be the future of wnba? they would have to be able to dunk if the doctors could give them a few more feet. Breast and dunking? could be a winner. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
I think that monk haircuts are the way forward, I want to see this embraced by the future. It will also give balding men a better chance of getting some. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
Im soo into sexting at the moment, shame those kids got put away for it. haha. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
so much fun could be had with the body recorders. good old, illegal, bad, dirty fun. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
I dont really think any of this is particularly fashion forward... thick rimmed glasses, distressed clothes, fedoras... this is nothing new | |
| Dilettante, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
I think the trash bag poncho is going to be vogue in a month or two It will be the "green" recession answer to the stylish rainwear trend. Truly fashion forward blokes will wear them with detachable epaulettes | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
bluetooths are already bad enough. i can’t stand it when i’m in a store and someone next to me starts talking all of the sudden and i can’t tell if they’re talking to me or some schmuck on the phone. it’s like when someone you don’t know if waving in your direction and you don’t know if they’re trying to get your attention or someone behind you but the last thing you want to do is turn around and look for the other guy. | |
| poozer, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
chris martin and company looked like idiots. actually seeing them at the grammys was the final straw. dressing up like royal chimney sweeps is fucking dumb. i’m sure it was martin’s idea and he forced the rest of the band to follow suit, no pun intended. what a douche. he also ruined what little was left of gwyneth paltrow. go dance on beach in slo-mo, you turd. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
black frame glasses are not fashion of the future. They’re fashion of the hipsters. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
I can’t go without the clothing of Back to the Future II. If you can’t zip up your own jacket you need more help than fashion technology. However, I will take that Hoverboard. When do those hit the streets? | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
Chris Martin wore epaulettes at the grammy awards and it looked bad ass. I cant wait to start seeing that on people | |
| lazy eyez killa, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
so that’s a tonsure, huh? i always called it a friar tuck cut. i always thought it would be fun to wear a hat and rip it off to reveal my inverted crew cut. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
not so in this case because black-framed glasses are here to stay. how long ago did buddy holly die? they’re been around pretty strong since then, i don’t see why they won’t make it another ten years. | |
| lowbrow, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
hold up, doesn’t mcpheeters wear black frame glasses? is that fair? isn’t it like jeremy scott predicting everyone’s going to wear telephone cord print dresses? i call bullshit. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
I’m fucking blown away that skulls can throw peace signs. He’s got fingernails too. That’s fucking awesome. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
NWO | | | Next 30 comments > |
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