HELLO TITTYBreast Milk Cupcakes Are Nature's Candy
WORDS AND PHOTOS BY MILÈNE LARSSON
A while back, PETA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, made all the “weird news” columns in the US by suggesting that Ben & Jerry’s should use breast milk, like the kind your mum fed you from her mum tits, instead of cow milk. What crazy nuts! What a shocking idea! WRONG. It is a FACT that breast milk is healthier for you than cow milk.
In case you’re still dubious towards imbibing of le lait teton, we forced our friend Patrick to do a taste test: Breast-milk cupcakes vs. some regular old cow-milk cupcakes. He was hesitant, but we were like, “Suck it up, wimp!” And we went on, “Don’t you think it’s weird that humans are the only mammals who still drink milk as adults? And not even our own, but baby fluid for a whole other species? Did you ever think about the fact that we’ve mutated our own stomachs in order to be able to digest bovine baby fluid, Four-Eyes?”
And then Patrick went, “Let’s eat these cupcakes, by Christ!” After quietly chewing for a few minutes, he whispered, “I… I can’t tell any difference at all.” But we said, “No, you have to choose one.” So he held up the cupcake in his right hand and said, “This one is vaguely tastier.” And guess what, it was the boobcake! Breast milk officially wins!
And just in case you’re still dubious, we found and interviewed a BREAST-MILK EXPERT who confirmed what we already know: That we are smarter than you.Vice: Hello nutritionist and breast milk specialist Elisabeth Kylberg. Can adults benefit from breast milk like babies do?
Elisabeth Kylberg: I think that adults shouldn’t drink milk at all, whether it’s human or cow milk. It’s food for babies. Cheese and yogurt, on the other hand, are good for us. Still, the longer women breast-feed, the smaller risk they run of getting breast and ovarian cancer. I wouldn’t be surprised if breast milk is one day used as a medicine—it’s been proved to kill cancer without even damaging the afflicted cells. So what’s healthier for us to drink, cow or human milk?
Definitely human milk, but I don’t think there’s a market for it. Is it possible to lactate without actually getting pregnant?
There have been several cases of women who’ve adopted babies and breast-fed them, or grandmothers who breast-fed the baby if the mother passed away. In most cases, they weren’t able to produce the same amount of milk as women who were pregnant, but if you stimulate the breast with a baby sucking on it, for example, it will eventually start producing milk. Even men can start producing milk after heavy breast stimulation, but their milk is not as nutritional. So if we survived a plane crash and were left on a desert island, or in the Andes like in that movie Alive, we could actually survive on our own milk?
Ha ha, for a while maybe.
See all articles by this contributor Anonymous, on Aug 20, 2009 wrote:
Am I the only one who is disgusted by this? I guess so. | | Anonymous, on May 19, 2009 wrote:
I have breast milk on a regular basis. It’s really yummy. And after drinking it, you will usually feel really comfortable and content because of the hormones. It really is the best milk for people to drink. In fact, I always wonder why there isn’t a public breast milk industry the way there is a cow’s milk industry. It’s a good way for women to make money. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
why is everyone up in arms about us drinking cow milk but animals don’t drink other animal’s milk? of course they dont they’re fucking animals. i guarantee you if i put breast milk in my dog’s bowl he’d drink that shit so fast the bowl would be spinning. | | Anonymous, on Mar 13, 2009 wrote:
what the fuck is in the sprinkles bowl? looks like neon chex mix and a single googly eye sticker. breast milk is wacky enough without the randars sprinkle toppings. | | Anonymous, on Mar 12, 2009 wrote:
A man can not produce milk from his breast. I should know, I have two blisters on my tits from trying. | | Anonymous, on Mar 12, 2009 wrote:
It looks like her necklace isn’t all the way out. Like it gets that far and then her jugs hold it up. | | Anonymous, on Mar 12, 2009 wrote:
hm, i thought tit milk would be more yellow. that looks like run of the mill 2%. i guess it depends on what the lady eats? | | Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
Very first question of the interview;
"Vice: Hello nutritionist and breast milk specialist Elisabeth Kylberg. Can adults benefit from breast milk like babies do?
Elisabeth Kylberg: I think that adults shouldn’t drink milk at all, whether it’s human or cow milk. It’s food for babies. Cheese and yogurt, on the other hand, are good for us."
Would someone be so kind as to tell me how it is that milk is "FOOD FOR BABIES" and cheese and yogurt, which are clearly dairy derivatives of that baby food, are not baby food? No, in fact, they are good for us? What exactly do they remove and/or add to the milk to make that quantum leap from unsuitable to part of your balanced diet? | | Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
What’s next, shmegma cheese? | | Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
Nice. I only drink tit milk from wine glasses as well. Something that special would be unrefined in anything less. If you use real crystal you’re a true pimp. | | Anonymous, on Mar 11, 2009 wrote:
i tried this with my girl but she was dehydrated so all i got was a couple puffs of powdered milk dust. bummer. | |
| megabreath, on Mar 10, 2009 wrote:
milk is great but i’d prefer a titty full of beer like the mr. move praises | |
| b4by f4ce, on Mar 10, 2009 wrote:
if i wasnt so tired i might get a boner from the milk fountain flic, if my roomy wasnt home i might try wank to it..haha! yawn! | | Anonymous, on Mar 9, 2009 wrote:
you know what? at first i didn’t get the hello kitty reference so when i just read the title i read it like the "hello moto" commercial voice which is kind of even funnier than the hello kitty way. | | Anonymous, on Mar 9, 2009 wrote:
i always thought people had a single milk duct until i witnessed someone squeezing out mother’s milk. shit shoots out at all angles. awesome. | | Anonymous, on Mar 9, 2009 wrote:
all in all this article kinda freaks me out, the thought of drinking breast milk makes my skin creep a bit. But I am relived that cheese is still cool, couldnt of handled losing that. breast cheese???.....not cool. | | Anonymous, on Mar 9, 2009 wrote:
Finally! proof that if stimulated enough males can produce milk! thanks vice you just made me $20! | |
| itsjustlikesleeping, on Mar 9, 2009 wrote:
Ahh, the halcyon days of my girl being pregnant and the sheer joy of tasting the sweetest tit-ay milk ever. If given a choice between breast or cow milk, I would choose breast every time. A.) Its tastier. B.) Its Healthier. C.) It comes from a tit, not an udder, so yeah, that is much hotter. | | Anonymous, on Mar 9, 2009 wrote:
Does any other dumbass have a conspiricy theory they want to share with us? | | Anonymous, on Mar 9, 2009 wrote:
The milk is NOT a part of the food pyramid! Though corrupted milk-farming countries add milk to the food pyramid and makes sure school kids drink it. You know, to make money… | | Anonymous, on Mar 9, 2009 wrote:
Not recommended for coffe. | | Anonymous, on Mar 9, 2009 wrote:
cow milk isn’t as good as we’re led to believe, when milk is pasturized and processed for production they strip the milk of its natural nutrients then "fortify" it with nutrients which really don’t stick to the milk, so milk straight from a cow or human is healthy, but store bought milk isn’t. So unless you own your own cow the milk your drinking isn’t healthy, unless its your wifes/gf’s | | Anonymous, on Mar 8, 2009 wrote:
"I think that adults shouldn’t drink milk at all, whether it’s human or cow milk. It’s food for babies."
What planet is she on??? It’s taboo for adults to drink breast milk that’s why we don’t... but cow milk has all forms of essential nutrients, calcium, not to mention clinically proven anti-cancer, anti-bacterial properties not found in the same proportions in cheese. Why else is it the food of choice in the Food Guide/Pyramid?? It’s not just for babies!! | | Anonymous, on Mar 7, 2009 wrote:
"My granny once made teas in a hospital with breast milk by mistake and no one knew."
And how, exactly, did she do that? Did her tit suddenly erupt like Mount St. Helens directly into a tea cup?
No, she was in the hospital after giving birth to twins in the 40’s and she was in a week, so she went to help the nurse make teas and the nurse saw that there was no milk so went away to look for some. My gran found a jug of milk in the cupboard (it was the 40’s)and not knowing that it was breast milk, made the teas with it. The nurse came back and realised it was breast milk but said they would just use it anyway. | | Anonymous, on Mar 7, 2009 wrote:
"Even men can start producing milk after heavy breast stimulation"
my Girlfriend likes to play with my nipples its a bit weird but beats wanking. anyway i dont want to start making milk, how much is heavy stimuation? lord help us all
| | Anonymous, on Mar 6, 2009 wrote:
breast milk, Homo Yogu or Mature Tibetan Man Cheese… they should do a Soylent green remake! | | Anonymous, on Mar 6, 2009 wrote:
"Definitely human milk, but I don’t think there’s a market for it."
Aha. Wisest thing she said. | | Anonymous, on Mar 6, 2009 wrote:
Eating one of those cupcakes looks about as much fun as being on a coachtrip with norovirus. Dude, I salute you. | |
| sam i am, on Mar 6, 2009 wrote:
7 is the world average age kids stop breastfeeding? that’s fucked if that’s what you mean. | | Anonymous, on Mar 6, 2009 wrote:
I was breastfed by two wives post pregnancy. If I could do it with a thrid wife, I would.
Black Sun | | | Next 30 comments > |
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