NEWSLETTER

BY HAMILTON MORRIS
PHOTOS BY MAGGIE LEE

Photo by John W. Allen

There is a mythical shroom that is unlike any other shroom. For, you see, this mushroom looks like a penis—not just a little bit like a penis, as many mushrooms do, but exactly like a penis. Perhaps you’ve heard of it? And although mushrooms usually spring forth from the earth as if from the toes of the gods, the penis mushroom is about as natural as a cocker spaniel. In other words, it’s totally man-made and if it were ever placed in the wild it would die instantly.

So what is this magic little cock-looking guy all about? Where did it come from? Who made it? I recently sought to answer these questions and was met with a dizzying world of magic, lies, and unsolved murder. And I was tripping balls the whole time, too.


The mushrooms arrived packaged like live internal organs, only in a blue Igloo beer cooler. I threw back the lid to find it filled with smoke. Garlands of carbon dioxide fell over the edges. I stuck my face inside and blew. Rows of methodically stacked penis mushrooms filled the cooler, an impressive array of lengths, girths, and colors. Most were a creamy manila. Others were white as alabaster. They were all nestled on a fuming bed of dry ice. I had never seen mushrooms like this before, and I grabbed one but immediately recoiled, surprised by how fleshlike it felt. Then I reached back inside, picked one up, and slid it, smoking, into my mouth.

Now, previously my friend Richard had the opportunity to eat a quarter ounce of penis mushrooms. He found that to be a massive overdose. Minutes after eating the last one, he called the police on himself in a beshroomed attempt to order an apple by phone. When an ambulance and the cops arrived at his apartment, he was unable to tell them his name or what year it was. They injected him with $600 worth of antipsychotics and took him away on a gurney. Upon his release from the hospital, he could barely remember what had happened. He’d blacked out. With the above in mind, I was a bit apprehensive about stuffing my mouth full of penis mushrooms, but I did it nonetheless.

I am not one to complain about the taste of mushrooms. I might even go so far as to say I savor the taste of the occasional eighth. But the penis mushroom was like nothing I had ever put in my mouth. Each time I bit into it, tiny motes of bitter shroom dust flittered through the air. I gagged trying to get it down. I went to lie in bed awhile, where I closed my eyes and saw penis mushrooms bursting from pots of gold coins, stars, and rainbows. Then I hopped up and proceeded to fill my mouth with more mushrooms. I neglected to weigh them out. I later realized that I had eaten half an ounce.


In 1971, ethnobotanist Terence McKenna traveled through the Amazonian jungle to investigate a mysterious blue ectoplasm that gushed from the mouth, anus, and genitals of shamans in the midst of drug-induced trance states. The ectoplasm evaded any sort of classification. It was fluid and frothy, an ultraviolet phlegm existing outside of space and time, a potential bridge between thoughts and the material world. McKenna knew that if he were to study the ectoplasm, it would have to be under the guidance of psychedelic mushrooms. He set to work. He guzzled mushrooms and dissected his feces looking for any traces of the metaphysical blue snot. In the midst of

his experiments, he discovered a monstrous Amazonian mushroom growing on the dung of local Zebu cattle. It was taller and thicker than anything found in American soils. McKenna collected the spores and brought them back to the United States. In his disappointment over the failure to find the ectoplasm, he did not realize the gravity of his discovery of the spores, his microscopic gift from the jungle.

In San Antonio, Texas, renowned mycologist Steven Pollock was dissecting feces for a different reason. His greenhouse was overflowing with pickup-truck loads of horse manure, and his kitchen stove was jam-packed with large bags of broiling excrement being prepared as an experimental mushroom substrate. Pollock had recently received a spore sample from McKenna labeled “Amazonian.” He dusted the specks into a mason jar of manure and put them aside to grow.


CONTINUED
A NICE, THICK, UNCUT 12-INCH SHROOM | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | >

< PREV

MORE FROM THIS ISSUE

NEXT >

POST A COMMENT [SIGN IN] Hi, in case you haven't heard, you can now sign up to become a "member" of Viceland.com, which entitles you to all sorts of amazing benefits like pictures and a nickname. Click here to make your own profile. You can still comment if you don't, but you gotta do it all 'nonymously.

Name:
Comment: