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The best way to guarantee no one ever breaks into your trailer is to combine the two things that civilization has, throughout history, been most afraid of: pirates (hence the Jolly Roger) and working-class British people (hence the Burberry). Nobody would dare fly a plane into this thing, much less try to burglarize it while the owners are at the bar drinking pints of black Sambuca and beating their children with spiked bats. Comments/Enlarge | See all


There’s a certain type of guy who loves living in Brooklyn so much he brags about not having been to Manhattan once in five years and the word “Manhattan” is often interchangeable with “a woman’s vagina.” Comments/Enlarge | See all






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“3 STORIES”

By Robert Walser, Translated by Damion Searls

Published December, 2009
Robert Walser (Swiss, 1878–1956) embodies, for us, one of the highest points of modernist prose. Hermann Hesse said of Walser that “if he had a hundred thousand readers, the world would be a better place,” and we agree with old Hesse there. Walser was underappreciated in his time and is still sort of a loosely kept secret today, passed around by writers and literature nerds like a test of how good one’s taste really is.

The most often reported part of the Walser mythos is that he suffered from mental illness, so let’s just tell you about it here. In 1929, at the age of 51, Walser, who had been hearing and seeing things that weren’t really there, entered an asylum. He would remain committed for the rest of his life, but he continued to produce what was long thought to be insane scribbling until two heroically thorough scholars, Werner Morlang and Bernhard Echte, finished deciphering the incredibly small handwriting in the 1990s and published six books’ worth of Walser’s late stories and a novel. Only when Walser was moved, against his will, to another asylum in 1933 did he give up writing; as he famously told a visiting friend, he was there to be crazy, not to write.

But all of that is secondary to his brilliant work. We know that people like their writers to be nuts and everything because it’s somehow romantic. Go ahead and feel that way if you want, but also please read Walser’s
Selected Stories, his autobiographical first novel, The Tanners, and what we think is his best novel, Jakob von Gunten.

The following three stories are from Walser’s 1916 collection
Prosastücke (Prose Pieces). This is their first time in English.


THE ITALIAN NOVELLA

I have strong cause to doubt if readers will like a story like this about two people, two little people, namely a charming nice young woman and an honest good and in his own way at least just as nice young man who enjoyed the most lovely and heartfelt relations of friendship with each other. The tender and passionate love they felt, each for the other, was like the summer sun in terms of heat and like December snow in terms of purity and chastity. Their kind mutual intimacy seemed unshakeable, and their fiery, innocent inclination toward each other grew from day to day like a wonderful plant rich in color and as rich in perfume. Nothing seemed able to disturb this very sweetest of conditions and very most beautiful trust, and everything would have been nice and perfect if only the honest good dear and young man were not deeply familiar with the Italian novella. His precise knowledge of the beauty, splendor, and magnificence of the Italian novella turned him, however, as the perceptive reader will soon see, into a real numbskull, temporarily robbed him of half his healthy common sense, and caused, forced, and necessitated him one day, morning, or evening, at eight, two, or seven o’clock, to say to his beloved in a dull voice: “Hey, listen, I have something to tell you, something that has oppressed, plagued, and tormented me for the longest time, something that will make perhaps both of us unhappy. I cannot keep it from you—I must, I must tell you. Gather up all your courage and fortitude. It may happen that these dreadful and frightful tidings will kill you. Oh, I want to give myself a thousand resounding slaps on the face and tear out my hair.” The poor girl fearfully cried out: “You’ve never been like this before. What is torturing you and racking you with pain? What is this dreadfulness that you have kept secret from me until now and now have to confide in me? Out with your words on the spot, so that I may know what there is to fear and what there is still, somehow, to hope. I do not lack the courage to endure what is most difficult and bear what is most extreme.” – She who spoke these words trembled throughout her whole body, of course, with fear, and her unease spread a deathly pallor over all the charms of her face, otherwise so fresh and pretty. “Listen and learn,” the young man said, “that I am alas only too thoroughly expert in the Italian novella, and that precisely this knowledge is our undoing.” – “What do you mean, for God’s sake?” asked the pitiful young woman, “how is it possible that education and knowledge could make us miserable and destroy our happiness?” At which point it pleased him to reply: “Because the style of the Italian novella is unique in its beauty and vitality, and because our love has no such style to show for itself. This thought makes me miserable, and I am no longer able to believe in any happiness.” Both the good young people let their heads, their little heads, hang down for apx. 10 minutes or a bit longer, and were completely taken aback and adrift. But little by little they regained their composure and their lost faith and they returned to their senses. They picked themselves up from their mournful and dispirited state, looked each other affectionately in the eye, smiled, held hands, cuddled up close, were happier and friendlier than ever before, and said: “We want to take joy and pleasure in each other, now as before, despite all the style and splendor of the Italian novella, and tenderly love each other as we once did. We want to be modestly satisfied and not worry about any exemplary models that could only rob us of our own tastes and natural enjoyment. To be bound to each other simply and truly and be warm and good is better than the most beautiful, distinguished style, which can go hang as far as we’re concerned, right?” With these merry words they kissed each other in the most heartfelt way, laughed at their laughable dejection, and were once again satisfied.







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Comments

Anonymous, on Dec 29, 2009 wrote:
This made my day- and still so relevant! Disappointment because your relationship doesn’t resemble the fictitious ones you see? (The Romance/Comedy is our modern equivalent to the Italian novella) I approve of this first story wholeheartedly!
Anonymous, on Dec 19, 2009 wrote:
Wow. Kickass.
Anonymous, on Dec 16, 2009 wrote:
this issues so good im going to shit in my pants

Anonymous, on Dec 14, 2009 wrote:
I have strong cause to doubt if readers will like a story like this about two people, two little people, namely a charming nice young woman and an "honest good and in his own way at least just as nice young man who enjoyed the most lovely and heartfelt relations of friendship with each other" true no one likes reading about normal, nice people. bring on the trash, drama and smut!

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